Things I learned in the Deep South that might be funny some day…
Always at least wear socks. You might step on a really nasty bug (roach?), and it’s better not to get it on your foot. (this holds especially true if you’re in a room with a dog door, are walking in the dark, or are going outside) (porches count as outside) (that’s where I stepped on the roach) (thank god for the socks)
Bug-bombing your house will always produce at least one over-large dead bug, probably a roach, almost definitely a beetle, no matter how long it’s been since you saw a live one (for example, I’ve never seen a live roach inside), or how long it’s been since you last did it.
If you make the bed, the dog’s less likely to steal your pillow.
Don’t leave the windows open over night, or the cabinets will mould.
The walls might also mould if left to it, but are more likely to take two nights or more in a row. Painting with a mildewcide tends to reduce this risk.
There’s such a thing as mildewcide. It can be painted on. It can be tinted, almost enough so that you think it’s normal paint. But not quite.
Unless you’re painting your walls yellow. Then, you can’t tell.
Vapor barriers, when sealed against solid surfaces and to each other, can help keep bugs out. Sanity might just be able to be maintained in this fashion.
Nothing will keep the bugs out completely.
Never put your hand in the dog-food bag without looking.
Never look in the dog-food bag.
Never open bottom cabinets after nightfall.
If you have to open the bottom cabinets, open them while not looking at them. Wait a few seconds, then look.
If you’re really worried, like if this is an outdoor storage location, poke the object with your toe before retrieving it from the cabinet. Most likely, the bugs will find a more stable hiding-place.
Don’t look behind the object while poking.
Always store cups, bowls, and, basically, anything a bug could get caught in upside down. No, you can’t really do anything to keep the bugs off your dinnerware, but at least this way you’ll never know they were there.
If you’ve got a lot of spiders, you’ve got a lot of other bugs that you just haven’t seen yet.
Carpeting can be a bad thing.
Grass can be a thing to despise.
The bugs are there. It’s better if you don’t look when you see a flicker out of the corner of your eye.
Slap first. Figure out whether it’s a tickle or a bug second.
If it squishes, or if you feel something crawling on your skin, fling it away, don’t look at it.
If it’s big, pretend that you’re certain it was a leaf.
Sucking an ice cube can help stave off the swollen-tongue feeling of mowing the lawn in hot weather.
Holding an ice cube between your teeth, and breathing around it, can take the edge off the heat when doing something active in hot weather.
If your task is unpleasant, the painful chill from the cube clenched in your teeth will also help distract you from it.
The more you cut the grass, despite your hopes of killing it or at least thinning it out, the thicker and more bug-friendly it will become.
Weed’n’feed doesn’t kill grass.
Acid will only turn it brown. Give up – the grass likes the bugs better than it likes you.
Not-cutting grass at all results in long grass, which is worse than all of the above, put together.
Don’t park your car in long grass. Ever.
Don’t buy milk during daylight hours. It WILL spoil before you can get home. Even if the grocery store is down the street. Even if you’re at the gas station, and only a block from home. (unless your car has a/c, and you’re storing it in the passenger compartment. If you also make certain it isn’t in direct sun, you’ve got a fairly good chance)
Don’t keep any food in any place that isn’t sealed at least water tight, if not air tight.
Potatoes, even nearly brand new, can be found to be filled with maggots if not kept in the refrigerator. And I do mean filled. (And the bag was only three days old, and had never been opened – it was still sitting in the middle of the kitchen counter top, where I’d set it when I brought in the groceries.)
Drywalling is an art form.
Mowing the lawn can result in being covered in earwigs.
No matter how hard you scrub, or how hot or cold the water, the crawly feeling won’t go away.
Discovering oneself covered in earwigs can result in severe psychological damage and inability to sleep.
Getting really, really drunk can alleviate skin-crawling induced insomnia.
Drunkenness can be healthy. In some cases, it can be the only hope at remaining mentally stable.
Even a list like this one can be funny when you’re drunk.
Bug-bombing your house will always produce at least one over-large dead bug, probably a roach, almost definitely a beetle, no matter how long it’s been since you saw a live one (for example, I’ve never seen a live roach inside), or how long it’s been since you last did it.
If you make the bed, the dog’s less likely to steal your pillow.
Don’t leave the windows open over night, or the cabinets will mould.
The walls might also mould if left to it, but are more likely to take two nights or more in a row. Painting with a mildewcide tends to reduce this risk.
There’s such a thing as mildewcide. It can be painted on. It can be tinted, almost enough so that you think it’s normal paint. But not quite.
Unless you’re painting your walls yellow. Then, you can’t tell.
Vapor barriers, when sealed against solid surfaces and to each other, can help keep bugs out. Sanity might just be able to be maintained in this fashion.
Nothing will keep the bugs out completely.
Never put your hand in the dog-food bag without looking.
Never look in the dog-food bag.
Never open bottom cabinets after nightfall.
If you have to open the bottom cabinets, open them while not looking at them. Wait a few seconds, then look.
If you’re really worried, like if this is an outdoor storage location, poke the object with your toe before retrieving it from the cabinet. Most likely, the bugs will find a more stable hiding-place.
Don’t look behind the object while poking.
Always store cups, bowls, and, basically, anything a bug could get caught in upside down. No, you can’t really do anything to keep the bugs off your dinnerware, but at least this way you’ll never know they were there.
If you’ve got a lot of spiders, you’ve got a lot of other bugs that you just haven’t seen yet.
Carpeting can be a bad thing.
Grass can be a thing to despise.
The bugs are there. It’s better if you don’t look when you see a flicker out of the corner of your eye.
Slap first. Figure out whether it’s a tickle or a bug second.
If it squishes, or if you feel something crawling on your skin, fling it away, don’t look at it.
If it’s big, pretend that you’re certain it was a leaf.
Sucking an ice cube can help stave off the swollen-tongue feeling of mowing the lawn in hot weather.
Holding an ice cube between your teeth, and breathing around it, can take the edge off the heat when doing something active in hot weather.
If your task is unpleasant, the painful chill from the cube clenched in your teeth will also help distract you from it.
The more you cut the grass, despite your hopes of killing it or at least thinning it out, the thicker and more bug-friendly it will become.
Weed’n’feed doesn’t kill grass.
Acid will only turn it brown. Give up – the grass likes the bugs better than it likes you.
Not-cutting grass at all results in long grass, which is worse than all of the above, put together.
Don’t park your car in long grass. Ever.
Don’t buy milk during daylight hours. It WILL spoil before you can get home. Even if the grocery store is down the street. Even if you’re at the gas station, and only a block from home. (unless your car has a/c, and you’re storing it in the passenger compartment. If you also make certain it isn’t in direct sun, you’ve got a fairly good chance)
Don’t keep any food in any place that isn’t sealed at least water tight, if not air tight.
Potatoes, even nearly brand new, can be found to be filled with maggots if not kept in the refrigerator. And I do mean filled. (And the bag was only three days old, and had never been opened – it was still sitting in the middle of the kitchen counter top, where I’d set it when I brought in the groceries.)
Drywalling is an art form.
Mowing the lawn can result in being covered in earwigs.
No matter how hard you scrub, or how hot or cold the water, the crawly feeling won’t go away.
Discovering oneself covered in earwigs can result in severe psychological damage and inability to sleep.
Getting really, really drunk can alleviate skin-crawling induced insomnia.
Drunkenness can be healthy. In some cases, it can be the only hope at remaining mentally stable.
Even a list like this one can be funny when you’re drunk.
