i play my music loud so i dont hear the screams

an over all blah day.. got up helped my mom get rid of my old car.. thankfully .. it was killing our insurance.. went to lunch at olive garden.. came back.. and i proceded to go to work.. when getting there.. i was asked to do stock work.. not bad.. kinda miss it while i was working the cash office.. one problem.. i was filling in the valentines day grid.. like my lifes not depressing enough.. so i basically tried ignoreing all the fluttery hearts and the i love you's and the like.. one of the last things i put out was these little mail boxes.. i guess use for elementary school kids for the whole class valentines day thing.. sigh.. more memories i didnt need to be reminded of.. you all probably know the deal.. the whole class showes up with their cards and such and deals them out to everyone.. usually one is made for everyone just to be fair.. and afterward the subsequent giggleing and pointing often made my ears bleed even then.. at least thats what happened to most people.. however.. my case was a bit different.. instead of the subsequent giggles and finger pointing of boy's saying "ooooo... she likes you hehehehehe" or for the reversed side from the girl's .. "oooo he likes you heheheheheheh".. and just all around jovial kids stuff..to my dismay what usually happend with me was the collective girls would go to the one who gave me a valentine and wonder "y did you give him one".. with the responce of " i gave everone one.. just to be fair".. ahh sympathy.. cant get too much of that now can we.. maybe im exagerating this.. maybe im making a mountain outta a molehill.. its just when i look at the day of valentines day.. you either think its great or are completely disguested by it.. a day to either give thanks to what you do have.. or to be reminded of what you dont have.. and i probably have no room to complain.. cuz im sure there are ppl worse of than me.. im probably just being selfish .. but even those small things have always affected me.. they just build up .. cuz they always happen.. not once in a blue.. but constantly.. im sure all of you are just sick of hearing this.. i admit.. it is kinda annoying to hear my own thoughts like this.. but what other choice do i have.. ive exploded once too many times already.. thankfully few times were around anyone.. im seeing her tommorow.. what will i do what will i say.. nothing.. i cant say anything.. i cant do anything.. she and i are not together.. and i have to get that throught my thick fucking skull.. so many things to say.. but they would be inappropriate.. i love and respect her too much to do something that stupid.. i keep rolling what i said a long time ago.. but its so hard.. id rather have her happy and as my friend than be miserable and as my GF.. i have to stick to that like iron.. if i dont what good am i.. the "so close yet so far away" rings entirely too true.. she needs her space.. she needs to get her life in order.. even if im not supposed to be there.. i wont be the one who holds her back.. i cant be.. i should just enjoy her company.. thats what i must do.. her beautiful company.. heh.. im such and idiot.. to think i could be with her.. im such a fool.. why did i ever think that it could work.. beautiful.. intelegent.. fun loving.. i dont deserve that.. yet.. i desire that.. and thats my crime.. i wish the screams would just stop.. whos are they.. mine.. others.. past pains .. or future sins.. am i forever damned.. or am i just thinking too much.. do i face my demons only to be consumed by them.. ignore me.. you all are probably sick and tired of hearing this..