When Dear Abby has it all wrong...

mohavedatura — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 13:18:40 GMT

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 15 years. My parents did not attend my wedding because my mother's job was more important -- so my father never walked me down the aisle.

My brother is now being married for the first time. It will be his fiancee's third trip to the altar. Her father died years ago and they have asked my father to walk her down the aisle without even considering how I might feel about it.

When I explained to Dad how hurt I feel, he didn't understand. But he told me he would not walk her down the aisle if it caused me pain. Now my brother and his fiancee are upset with me.

Abby, can a groom's father give away the woman his son is about to marry? Am I being selfish in suggesting she walk down the aisle by herself just as I did? -- RESENTFUL IN MICHIGAN

DEAR RESENTFUL: The answer to both of your questions is yes.

My two cents: OK, so parents couldn't be bothered to show up to their daughters wedding but they can walk another woman down the aisle. Maybe I'm as petty as the letter writer, but I would find this to be a very painful situation. In my opinion, Abby's advice (or real lack thereof) just seems stupid and cruel. I wonder if she was going for edgy here with the one-word answer.

How do you guys feel about this one?

Something from Dear Prudence

mohavedatura — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 13:36:51 GMT

Dear Prudence,

I am in my mid-20s, and my best friend and I were very close. At the start of this year, we were in a car crash. I survived with a few broken bones. She was the driver and died on the scene. Everyone was devastated. My question relates to her material belongings. As I understand it, her grieving parents are slowly going through her possessions. Am I, as someone who spent years in a very tight friendship with this woman, entitled to go through her possessions, as well? I'm chiefly interested in gifts and trinkets that I gave her that would have sentimental value. I also lent her a book that would be nice to have returned. It would mean a lot to me if I could have some of her things (or at least have some of my things back). How do I gently broach the subject of her belongings with her family? Do I wait and risk having all the things I value thrown out? Should I just let it go, and know that I had and lost a good friend?

- I Lost Someone, Too

Dear Lost,
I wish I knew what book you'd lent your late friend, because I would be happy to order a copy for you myself, rather than have you assault these grief-stricken people and tell them there's a volume on their daughter's shelf that actually belongs to you. No, you do not have standing to rummage through her things. You've lost a friend and been through a terrible trauma, so I am trying to be generous about your unseemly desire to regift to yourself the items you gave this young woman. I'm assuming you two actually exchanged presents over the years, so what you have by way of remembrance are the things she gave you. You certainly could pay a call on her parents to see how they're doing. Keep in mind the pain you might evoke after all, you lived and their daughter died. If they offer that they'd like you to have something of hers as a memento, try to restrain the impulse to load a moving box worth of stuff. If they don't, be grateful that you survived a deadly accident, which is the ultimate gift.

Prudie

Personally, I think Prudie was unreasonably harsh. I hope the letter writer does not read this and experience (likely renewed) feelings of survivors guilt.

mohavedatura — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 14:41:46 GMT

Dear Annie: I have been married for 35 years to a man who, at any moment, will bring up things from our past that are very hurtful to me. And he knows exactly what he is doing.

Two weeks ago, he threw something in my face that goes back to before we were married. He had loaned me a small amount of money — less than $100. At the time, I was a single mom working a full-time job without the benefit of child support from my ex-husband. I guess I never paid him back. I had totally forgotten about it and couldn't believe he remembered — and apparently is still upset about it.

We are now the parents of three grown children. On the outside, we appear to be the perfect couple, but his continual badgering has left me feeling like a knife is being stuck in my heart. He knows how I feel about this. The only time he stops is if I start to cry. Why does he do this? — Hurt in the Midwest

Dear Hurt: Has your husband always been like this, or is it a fairly recent development? The fact that he hangs on to these grudges and uses them to make you cry is a form of bullying and an effort to exert control. If this reflects a change in his personality within the past few years, he may have a neurological problem that requires medical attention. Unfortunately, if it goes back 35 years, it will be difficult to modify his behavior, especially if he isn't willing. It is not, however, impossible. Get some counseling — on your own if he won't go with you — and learn how to respond in a more productive way.

My first thought is that something is wrong with this man. But really, this seems like emotional abuse. I do agree with part of this: she should seek counseling. But she should do it to find out why she's allowed herself to put up with this for 35 years.

Mod Post: Community Promotion

mohavedatura — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 14:37:10 GMT

Hello!

My apologies that things have been so quiet here. Promoting has been a bit more difficult than I expected :) However, I have joined us up with a similar com in order to get things going again.

I invite folks here to check out twitchy_eye . It is another small com, similar to this one, which focuses on letters to the editor. We all know those can be rage inducing at times, as well :)

Thank you.

Words of a Seven Year-Old

mohavedatura — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 13:25:01 GMT

Dear Annie: Three years ago, our 7-year-old granddaughter saw her mother kissing another man and told her father (our son). My question is: Was she right to tell him, or should she have spoken to her mother first?

This granddaughter's actions created a situation in her family that no child should have to endure. She still feels guilty about exposing her mother's affair. When she told our son, he did not react appropriately and lashed out at the child, as well as his wife. The family is still together, but my granddaughter suffers from stress and anxiety whenever our son reacts to the situation, which he still does on occasion.

So, Annie, what would have been the best thing for this child to do when she caught her mother cheating? — Concerned Grandparent

Dear Grandparent: There is no "right" answer. The child was too young to do anything other than what she did, and your son was too blindsided to react in a way that would have been less damaging. However, since Dad is still unable to control himself in front of his daughter and she is suffering, please urge the entire family to get into counseling. He should ask the pediatrician for a referral to someone who can specifically help his child. It's long past time.

I've officially lost my faith in humanity.

Possible Sugar Daddy?

mohavedatura — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 20:32:19 GMT

Dear Annie: I am an 80-year-"young" gay male and have been swept off my feet by a 55-year-old gay man. I went into this as a fling, but it soon became serious. I know several male couples who have a similar age difference, and the relationships have worked out very well.

I was previously in a relationship that lasted more than 50 years and have been single since my partner passed away five years ago. The problem is, I have really fallen for this younger guy. He asked me to marry him twice, but each time I told him we'd have to talk it out. He agreed, but we didn't actually get around to it. Two weeks went by, and then he called to say it was over and that was it — nothing.

I have left messages on his answering machine, but have received no return calls. I still have strong feelings for him and don't know what to do. Should I close the book on this and move on, or do I keep trying to see if it might take off? — N.Y.

Dear N.Y.: Either he isn't interested in you any longer, or he is too temperamental to wait two weeks. His way of handling your relationship strikes us as manipulative and immature. We know you're smitten with him, but he doesn't seem to be the best person for you. Please try to move on.

My first thought reading the letter is that this is a man trying to gain control over an elderly man. I don't know where the laws on gay marriage are in New York, but it sounds like marriage would be a way for the younger man to have access to the letter writers finances should he no longer be able to take care of himself. At 80, that might not be so far away. I'd say the letter writer dodged a bullet and that his intended partner has moved on to easier targets.

Question of Copyright

mohavedatura — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 13:20:38 GMT

I recently received this memo from the LJ Abuse Team:

Dear LiveJournal user mohavedatura,

We have received a report, properly formatted under the provisions set forth by United States law, indicating that your entry located at http://community.livejournal.com/cf_abby_tribute/236103.html violates the copyright of another. As such, we have suspended this entry.

If you feel that this report is in error or that your use of the material falls under one of the categories permitted under copyright law, you are entitled to file a counter-notification, also under the provisions of U.S. law; please contact us for information on how to do this. Filing a counter-notification indicates that you are willing to defend yourself in court against a charge of copyright infringement, and you may be bound by civil and possibly criminal penalties if you are found liable.

Regards,
Eric
LiveJournal Abuse Prevention Team

For those of you who don't feel like clicking, it is a post on the CF Abby site that basically rehashes one of the letters to the 'Advice Goddess'. Has anyone else gotten these before? Strangely enough, it looks as if my letter was the only one that garnered the attention. Those before and after it still remain as is.

I am wondering what it means for coms like this.

mohavedatura — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 13:40:26 GMT

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Roger" -- 64 and retired -- has a crush on a 25-year-old woman who lives in our small community and who runs a dress shop I frequent. Roger is usually quiet and reserved, but when he sees "Patti," he utters loud cries and runs to her side. He examines every detail of her clothing, makeup, etc., and takes her hand and compliments her on her soft skin, her ring or the color of her nail polish.

From the expression on her face and the looks she exchanges with the other women in the shop, it's clear she considers him a pest.

I have spoken up and said, "Patti must have a grandfather your age," or, "There's no fool like an old fool," but Roger ignores it. My concern is that he's making a fool of himself in public and, by extension, me. I'm so embarrassed, I can no longer walk into my favorite dress shop. Patti is popular. She has many dates and is not interested in Roger. I hate to be pitied by others. What can I do to stop this? -- OLD FOOL'S WIFE IN ALABAMA

DEAR WIFE: Roger's "crush" is a reflection on him, not you, so keep your cool and please stop calling him an old fool. It's insulting and belittling, so of course he'll tune you out. Try this instead, "Roger, when you act the way you do when you're around Patti, it's embarrassing to me. That's why I prefer you no longer accompany me when I go there."

Then, when you shop for clothing, go without him. And instruct Patti and the saleswomen that if Roger drops by without you to tell him he's welcome -- IF he's buying something for you. That way, instead of a problem, you'll have a windfall, and so will they. You can even leave a "wish list" with Patti in advance.

Most of Abby's advice. The letter writer should stop taking her husband out into public if he's going to act like an ass. However, I disagree with her first sentence. Abby, she is Rogers wife and companion for these outings. His acting like a thirteen year-old in heat when he sees this woman most definitely /is/ a reflection on her. Yes, it is natural for men to look at other women, but part of respecting your spouse is showing some decorum about it. He's embarrassing his wife and, frankly, deserves a little belittling.

Advertising

mohavedatura — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 13:14:04 GMT

It's been two days since we've started up and I think we have a solid concept. If there is one thing we're lacking on, though, it is people. I put up a blurb on community promo and invited a couple of folks who seemed to show an interest. However, I'll admit I'm at a loss when it comes to advertising. If anyone has any suggestions on places to advertise or people who would appreciate an invite, please let me know. I don't suspect we will have a huge community here, but perhaps enough to get some good discussions going.

Old Wounds

mohavedatura — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 05:22:51 GMT

Dear Annie: I am a successful and happily married 28-year-old woman. I have a good life, for which I am grateful, except for one thing.

When I was 15, a close family friend 15 years my senior was staying with my family. I considered "Shawn" to be like a brother. But one night, while my father was watching TV upstairs and my mom and older brother were out of town, he came into my bedroom and tried to force himself on me. Fortunately, when I begged him to stop, he did. He left the room, and I called my brother, crying. When confronted, Shawn admitted it and said he had asked forgiveness from God. Nothing else happened to him.

Shortly after the incident, I became sexually active, then promiscuous, and eventually started using drugs. I know now that a lot of my behavior stemmed from this incident. When I was 19, I moved 1,500 miles away and straightened out my life. Today, I am once again close to my parents and brother.

The problem is, many of my family members still associate with Shawn. Last spring, my father took him on an all-expenses-paid hunting trip. I told my mom how betrayed I felt. She agreed with me and said she'd talk to my father. But I just found out that my dad, brother and sister-in-law went to Shawn's for dinner last week.

Annie, how can I make it clear to my father how much this hurts me? He always says, "The past is the past," but I can't heal completely because I don't feel I was protected after this happened or now. Can I file charges against Shawn 13 years later?

-Betrayed in Missouri

Dear Betrayed: In Missouri, there is a 10-year statute of limitations for unlawful sexual offenses involving a person under age 17. Your father and siblings seem to be in denial about Shawn's character and are amazingly unsupportive of you.

You may not be able to get through to Dad if he doesn't want to face up to what happened. But it might help to discuss it with your clergyperson or doctor, or with a therapist who can also intercede with your family.

Sadly, I think this letter writer is being victimized by her family s well as Shawn. Imagine what the average man would do if he found out his buddy tried to force himself on his fifteen year-old daughter. Something like that is what should have happened here. I notice that the letter writer mentions that her life improved with distance from her family. It could very well be that she needs to keep that distance to stay sane.

Welcome

mohavedatura — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 05:15:23 GMT

This community is for people who love their advice columns and (sometimes) absolutely hate the advice offered. You can choose to post about columns from any media - be it newspaper or internet.

As of Saturday, March 20th we are brand spanking new. I am the queen of typos so, if you happen to see any, send me a line. In the meantime, join, get posting and spread the word.