The Eccentric Eclectic

Solstice

2015-12-22T04:11:24Z

I always feel compelled to document the longest night of the year. It always makes me a bit introspective, the winter solstice. Maybe a bit maudlin. Another year gone by, and this particular year seems the fastest I've yet experienced. I feel like I never quite got going, always a little out of step, never finding my rhythm. I feel like I let the year just sweep me along, a passive bystander rather than actively living my life. I feel like I have very little of substance to show for a whole year. *sigh* But my parents woke me up this morning with a phone call to sing "Happy Birthday" (about an hour before my alarm was set to go off, but whatev), and the girls at work brought lunch to surprise us with a celebration of my partner's and my December birthdays. I'm warm and dry and fed and loved. And tomorrow the night will be just a little bit shorter...

Cat's got my tongue

2015-08-17T01:30:44Z

Having a kitten is good therapy. She's cute and cuddly and playful. She and my dog are peacefully coexisting. So have some random kitten pics.

Animal House

2015-07-27T03:15:07Z

Signs of Life

2015-07-21T02:11:27Z

It's only been about 5 months since I last posted here. I actually thought it might have been longer. I was afraid to look. Nothing overly dramatic has happened. Winter passed to a lovely spring, the day's grew longer and warmer. Spring gave way to the buggiest summer that I can recall. Seriously, there's been a bumper crop of beetles of all varieties. I've fought off a couple of viral URI's, but been well otherwise. Been stuck on the hamster wheel. I've found myself loosing patience - not patients, thank goodness - and realized that I've got to take some time off. I have to manage my schedule instead of letting it manage me and beat me into the ground. So I've scheduled some time off each month from now to October; sometimes it's just a day or two to make a long weekend. But it's something to look forward to and ensure that I at least try to maintain some kind of personal life. That's been sorely lacking of late.

I think my aunt was concerned about me, so she gave me a kitten a couple of weeks ago. She found the kitten in her parking garage in downtown Atlanta, on the ledge 5 stories up. It was just a little bitty grey kitten. Of the six people standing around for the hour it took to get the kitten down, she was the only one who volunteered to take it. She carried it to Petco to get some supplies before taking it home. When she checked her mail that evening there was a flyer for a missing kitten on her street. Turns out the kitten had escaped and hitched a ride with her to work! It was serendipitous that she was the one to take it back home with her. Her neighbor had found a litter of kittens in her grandmother's basement but couldn't keep them herself, so she was looking for a home for them. My aunt felt she and this kitten forged a bond with their shared adventure, so she decided to give her a home...with me. I've never had a cat before, so I was a little hesitant. I feel like I don't know what to do with them! But I couldn't say no to such a cute little adventurer. I've called her Scout. So far we've gotten along pretty well, except for when she wakes me in the wee hours attacking my legs or hands in an attempt to play. I keep her and the dog separate for the most part, though I'm gradually introducing them. They aren't sure what to make of each other. It's another adventure for all of us.

I feel this journal prompts me to write and writing helps ground me, helps me to reflect and gain perspective. I need more of that.

:-(

2015-02-28T06:48:58Z

LLAP

Answer for question 4220.

2015-02-03T04:50:55Z

I'm an inveterate letter hoarder. I find it difficult, if not impossible, to throw out cards and letters. I still have a box of letters from my childhood pen pal, stacks of old Christmas cards packed amongst the decorations, handfuls of birthday cards lying in drawers. I recently found an old card from my grandmother tucked in the back of a book - she would send a card for every single holiday like clockwork. Such tangible reminders of loved ones who are far away, or gone, are treasures.

It's not all blood and guts

2015-02-02T02:06:29Z

I think I did a good thing this week. I was seeing a five year old for a pre-op eval prior to dental work under anesthesia. He's a super cute little guy, but he's had a rough go. He was exposed to drugs and alcohol in utero and was born very small. He was adopted as a baby and sees many specialists for developmental issues and other complications. He is super sweet and a very cooperative patient. He felt fine but his "Baby," a little stuffed dog/blanket had an injury. Evidently, he's had this toy since he was an infant and it goes with him everywhere. Baby had a little chunk of his ear missing off the top where little guy had bitten it. He told me that Baby needed to see the doctor and get stitches. So, I got some suture and sewed the ear up. Mom said that he'd wanted to send Baby to see Doc McStuffins, but I think I got him patched up pretty good. Little guy seemed pretty pleased, even though Baby's got a scar now. I don't know about them, but it pretty much made my day. Sometimes, I really love my job. (And thank God for Doc McStuffins! I've never seen it, but it really helps kids not be afraid of the doctor, which makes my job easier.)

Answer for question 4178.

2015-01-05T02:49:47Z

Oh, collections. I've collected many, many things - rocks, feathers, bugs in the back yard, tea cups, coffee mugs, snowmen, owls, watches, prints, pottery, all sorts of miscellaneous odds and ends. I collect books - so many books, so many I've yet to read. I collect opened browser tabs containing posts and tales of all sorts that I've yet to read. I collect wish-lists and pin-boards and "favorites" full of bits and bobs. I collect acquaintances - people I almost know who kinda know me whom I mean to know better, keep in touch with better. I collect good intentions and best-laid-plans and clever ideas that remain inchoate concepts in one of the myriad half-filled notebooks that I also collect.

Eventide

2015-01-05T01:32:37Z

A murder gathers in the branches overhead
Collective eye gleaming, watching, calculating
Raising a raucous cacophony as the winter rays lengthen,
Stretched thin and pale in the biting air
And shadows gather, dogging my steps and nipping my heels
As the bruised sky bleeds into the west

Answer for question 4168.

2014-12-28T20:47:19Z

When I was a little girl, I was petrified of the ghosts in A Christmas Carol. Marley's face in the door knocker, the restless and shackled spirits wailing in the streets, the cloaked spirit of the uncertain future. I couldn't watch it during the holidays for years! The idea of all those tortured souls roaming the streets was pretty disturbing...as was the looming future, dark and forbidding and so closely linked to death. Heavy stuff for a little kid.

Answer for question 4162.

2014-12-28T19:53:28Z

Some people have mouths that are more...wet than others. You know, those folks whose words are accompanied by smacking, moist, spit-driven sounds. I find it so terribly distracting. I just want to tell them to stop speaking and just swallow or something! Ugh! Stop smacking!

Answer for question 4160.

2014-12-23T03:29:03Z

My first best friend, or the first person I thought of that way, was a little girl I met my first day in kindergarten. We went through most of elementary school together. She caused me so much heartache as a child. I didn't understand why she was so mean to me, why she told lies to me and about me. We were probably in third grade when I was crying myself to sleep about her again and I told my mom that she was so mean to me because she wasn't happy with herself. While she wasn't truly a good friend to me at all, she taught me a valuable lesson about human nature and the nature of true friendship. I learned that you have to find your own happiness and not look for it in someone else. I have no idea what happened to her once we went on to different schools. I hope she has found happiness.

Some people say a man is made outta mud

2014-12-22T05:17:41Z

Another year older and deeper in debt...

Taking liberties with the lyrics a bit there. Today was a great improvement over my last birthday which was spent as a patient in the hospital. The highlight of the day was getting to eat jello after a 3 days fast. :-P Almost anything's an improvement over acute pancreatitis. So, I spent a quiet day - sang at church, had my partner cover the hospital, hung out in my comfy chair. I'm grateful to be in better health, grateful to have a partner in my practice to rely on, grateful to be a part of community, grateful to have a warm and cozy home that's my own. I sometimes struggle to find contentment, focusing on the little problems and the things I need to fix. Always the things I need to fix. But it's important to take a deep breath and a big step back to get a wider view and take stock of the good. And there's plenty of good.

Thinky thoughts...

2014-12-20T03:10:13Z

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."

Yoda speaks the truth. Or rather, the truth Yoda speaks. This is abundantly evident in recent clashes between police and protesters, and especially in the events that prompted the protests. The root cause is fear. Fear of scary black dudes in the hood. Fear of hair-trigger cops with something to prove. Fear of being seen as a demographic rather than a person. Fear of losing out because someone else gains. And all that churning fear bubbles over into anger. Anger about crime, about violence, about poverty, about entitlement, about inequalities, about prejudices of every stripe. The seething anger solidifies into hatred. Hatred of anybody in a certain part of town, hatred of anybody in a uniform, hatred of anybody of a certain color, class, or creed. And who suffers? Everybody. Nobody wins. Both sides suffer. Worst of all the innocent suffer, caught in the crossfire or poisoned by the hatred of those around them.

Some people like to talk about a post-racial society. Maybe we'll get there. I hope we get there. But there is more to this than race. Humans throughout history have found ways to create division amongst themselves. I think it's an unfortunate byproduct of human nature to find a way to make it us vs them. All I know is that people don't change. A person, however, can change. An individual can choose their path. And an individual can illuminate the path for other individuals. Small steps, one at a time. Which path shall we choose - fear and darkness, or love and light?

12/13/14

2014-12-14T00:52:34Z

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” -Rumi

Saw this quote yesterday. I had been sitting on L&D discharging a mom and baby home and bitching and moaning about all the crappy hospital paperwork, bewailing the paperwork still waiting for me in the office, listing the things I have to do but have no time for. Instead of heading back to the office right away to tackle said mountain of paperwork, I decided to hang out with the nurses and play around on my phone. What should I see on my Pinterest feed? Why, that simply profound quote above. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Truth. It stings a little. I have no control over the way of things, just over the way I am.

And now for something completely different:
Today is the last sequential date of the century - 12/13/14 (for us Americans, anyway). I think they're pretty nifty occurrences, and I'm kinda sad that it's the last one I'll see. That's a weird thought.

And now, with my own mortality firmly in mind, I must go about changing myself. Or at least quit procrastinating and get back to my mountain of paperwork...

You are only coming through in waves

2014-12-01T02:52:40Z

Hello? Is there any body in there?
Now that I've got the Pink Floyd out of my system...

I was truly shocked to see that my last entry was in August. August! I knew it'd been a while, but I had no idea it'd been that long! I've had my LJ pals on my mind and I've been missin' you! I'm still kickin'! The story of my life is much the same - lots of babies, lots of patients, general insanity. I do have a new partner in my practice. She's great and we get along swimmingly. Unfortunately, administration has been a pain in the ass. The nitty gritty day to day details of running an office are downright demoralizing. I did not get into medicine to manage a business, fight insurance companies and Medicare and Medicaid, or practice defensive medicine. I just wanna take care of my patients. *sigh* But such is the modern practice of medicine in the United States. I feel like I spend my days jumping hurdles...

We've been pretty much slammed the last few months and running non-stop. Eventually, after a very bad week in October during which I had 2 patients within 2 days with 2nd trimester miscarriages I decided that I needed a break. I left my partner to hold down the fort for a week earlier this month and headed out of town. It was the first real vacation I'd taken in over a year. In fact, I can count on 1 hand the number of times I've even left the confines of this little town in the last year - and 2 of those times were to undergo a medical procedure! I went to stay with my parents in Chicago and it was fabulous. I didn't realize just how wound up I'd been until I got back and started getting tense again. Of course I jumped right back in and delivered 5 babies the week I got back to town, most of whom were born between midnight and 4 AM. Thankfully, this past week has been a bit quieter, quiet enough to enjoy the holiday in spite of being on call.

And now it's the end of November with the holidays and year's end just 'round the corner. I feel like the sands of time are more like quicksand dragging me under. The more I struggle, the faster I sink! Maybe it's a bit early for New Year's resolutions, but I've got to have a bit more sanity in my life and pace myself so that I don't lose my mind. Ah, well. For now we'll just keep on keepin' on. :-)

As if sharknados weren't ridiculous enough....

2014-08-16T02:58:38Z

The past month has been incredibly busy. Traditionally the summer is considered a slow time for outpatient medicine, but my schedule has steadily gotten fuller and fuller. On top of that, I've been buried under a veritable baby-lanche. I don't know what was going on 9 months ago, but evidently it was a very fertile time in these parts. I've delivered more babies these last few weeks than I have in the last 8 months combined. Of course, that means an awful lot of late nights and early mornings.

It started with a trickle at the first of the month - a baby here and there, not too bad. There was a week or so of calm before it all broke loose. It started with a stat c-section for placental abruption. A patient near term came in one night with abdominal pain. When the nurse examined her the baby's heartbeat was low and she had a gush of blood. I wasn't even on call, but I was the only doc they could get ahold of. Thankfully, I live really close to the hospital so I was there in less than 5 minutes; once anesthesia got there we got the baby out in 4 minutes. After a few minutes of resuscitation he perked up. Once it was all over and I got home, I was literally shaking from the adrenaline. Less than 48 hours later a patient came in the middle of the night with her baby's foot hanging out of her vagina. There really aren't words to describe that image. Of course that necessitated another stat c-section. By the end of the week the entire unit was full and all of them were my patients. I delivered over a dozen babies in July alone, and this month has been pretty steady, too.

Needless to say, I've not had time for much else. Having plenty of patients, and plenty of babies, is a great problem to have. But occasionally one can have too much of a good thing. I have a partner joining my practice later this month, so maybe I'll catch a break once she gets settled in. At least until flu season starts...

Potent Quotables

2014-07-13T01:55:37Z

I collect quotes

like feathers to line my cozy nest of thoughts

like verbal artwork to adorn the walls of my mind

like weapons to arm myself against the uncertain and the inevitable

like jewels to bedeck myself in the wisdom and wit of others

like mirrors to reflect my own inchoate thoughts and ideas

like windows to open my vista to new and challenging views

like anchors to hold me fast and keep me grounded

like wings to carry me above and into fresher air

If I can't have any truly original thoughts of my own, at the very least I should rethink the great thoughts of others.

Holiday Weekend

2014-07-07T04:23:30Z

The holiday weekend has been quite nice. I was out late Thursday after clinic, circumcising babies and grocery shopping, as one does. But Friday and Saturday afforded me the opportunity to sleep in and, apart from a few phone calls and a few fireworks, it was pretty quiet. Up until today the weather was pretty temperate, hardly typical for July in the South, and quite refreshing. I puttered around the house, did a few chores, didn't do a lot of other chores. I watched some historical documentaries and ate a hotdog in honor of Independence Day. I'm pretty boring. For me a good day off is a day in which I never have to change out of my pajamas. Makes me happy.

Hope y'all had a good 4th!

Speaking of small and furry....

2014-07-01T03:16:58Z

In other wildlife news, I have quite a few bunnies living around my house. Earlier in the spring I saw several large cottontails hanging out in my yard, which is comprised almost entirely of clover. I think the most I saw at one time was 4. Then a few months later I saw some much smaller rabbits browsing in the yard. They're really quite adorable. They just sit very still and eye me warily with their unblinking, liquid eyes as I come and go, then it's back to nibbling leaves. They let me get pretty close to them as long as I just walk by. They seem quite content. If only their smaller cousins would stay outside, too....

Dial M...

2014-06-30T00:41:38Z

I've become a mouse murderer.

A couple of weeks or so ago, I noticed some tell-tale signs of a rodent incursion. You know the signs. Being the stupidly optimistic type, or more likely in denial, I just thought that maybe they'd go away. It's been super rainy, and then super hot, so maybe they just came in to escape the weather and will then go on their mousy way. Unfortunately my dog is a complete weirdo (one of her many nicknames is, in fact, Weirdsmobile) and doesn't eat her food all at once. Many dogs ravenously empty their bowls as soon as you fill it. She just grazes when it suits her. Which apparently leaves a delicious and nutritious buffet for opportunistic mice. When I actually saw a mouse run from the dog's dish to the cabinet, pause to look over its shoulder at me, and then disappear into a tiny crack, I knew I had to do something.

I took to Amazon to research my DIY extermination options. I hastily eliminated live traps (sorry, but catch-and-release really doesn't seem a reasonable solution to infestation) and glue traps (the very definition of cruel and unusual). Traditional traps were also a no-go. Call me a coward, but I really don't want to look at little, bloody corpses or, heaven forbid, touch them. I like the idea of poison. It's a sort of passive-aggressive method of mousicide - just leave it out in a convenient location. If they come get it, that's on them. It's just the dangers of sneaking in to unsuspecting folks' homes and stealing food. That food may not be safe for vermin consumption. But there is the issue of where the erstwhile thief goes to die. If, for instance, they just go chill in the crack though which they came and succumb there, one might not learn of the mouse's passing until it became odiferously obvious. And that's a whole other problem. I'd rather not have to hunt down decaying remains hidden in inaccessible places. (I was actually surprised that one can purchase poison from Amazon. I guess they really do sell everything.) Another option that presented itself was the "no-see, no-touch" traps. They come in various shapes, sizes, and methods of execution. They're like tiny dungeons that imprison and kill the little interlopers. I was skeptical, but thought it might be a cleaner, more controlled way to rid myself of this nasty little problem.

I purchased a pack of these traps, and some poison as a back up. I placed a few traps in the kitchen using peanut butter and a piece of dog food as bait, since they seem to like dog food so much. I would check them a couple of times a day, and nothing. After a several days of this, I had almost given up. I decided to check them when I got home from work, and I caught one! It gave me a perverse sense of accomplishment to have successfully captured and killed one of the buggers. Optimistically, I thought that might take care of it, but I left the traps out just in case. Sure enough, I caught another. Feeling like an anti-rodent vigilante, I put out a couple more traps. I thought surely that'll be the end of it. Yeah, right.

The other night I was sitting in my chair where I happen to have a view into the kitchen. I saw something out of the corner of my eye and turned to see a plump little gray-and-white critter creeping under the edge of the cabinet toward the dog's dish. Like a loon I yelled at it, scolding "Mouse!" It stopped and looked at me and then scuttled back into the shadows for a moment. Then it started back toward the dish. While I'm looking right at it. The unmitigated gall! I jumped up and started toward it and it ran across the kitchen and took a flying leap over one of the traps into a crack.

So, I'm checking my traps and I'm doling out the dog's food in small portions. It's a war of attrition. I may yet resort to poison, or call in professional help. I've even thought of getting a cat since my dog is useless in this regard. Give her a bug, and she'll relentlessly pursue it. Give her a mouse and she'll sniff around a bit, watch the kitchen for a while, and then get bored and go lay down somewhere else while they raid her bowl. Traitor. If they weren't such sneaky little disease-ridden smug home-invaders, they might be cute. But no. The mouse must die.

Just breathe, please.

2014-06-28T18:37:57Z

I had a pretty difficult delivery last week. It was a first-time mom, a long labor, a lot of pushing. Baby looked fine on the monitor throughout. Labor had turned a sweet, mild-mannered young lady into a screaming banshee. I thought her head might actually start spinning. She did eventually successfully deliver, but the baby did not immediately pink up and, you know, breathe. The nurses started resuscitation with ventilations and compressions. The heart rate was low, respiratory effort was poor. As I took the stethoscope from one of the nurses to count out the heartbeats, I had the momentary panicky thought that this baby might die. This baby can't die. Baby, don't you dare die. After the longest 7 minutes of my life, the baby's first 7 minutes of life, baby was breathing on its own, looking around, with a good strong heartbeat. Both mom and baby turned out fine. All's well that ends well, as they say, but geeze! The sheer terror of those interminable minutes waiting for a newborn to recover from the shock of birth and take over breathing, living, is horrifying. The what-ifs are too terrible to contemplate. But they are essential to contemplate. Part of the job is being prepared for the worst case. But, God, I hate the worst case.

Earth turns slowly

2014-06-22T19:30:22Z

My home has become host to a bunch of fireflies over the last couple of weeks. I manage to catch a couple each evening to release back into the wild, but at least a half dozen hang out too close to the ceiling for me to catch. I don't know where they go during the day, but every evening they congregate in the living room. They'll meander across the room in their lazy fashion and slowly blink. Occasionally they hover low enough for me to scoop them out of the air and carry them to the back door. I've always enjoyed catching lightening bugs, but usually I have to go in search of them rather than have them come to me. Last night when I went to bed they seemed to become more active, lighting up the house. One followed me to my room. It was kind of magical to have little living night-lights floating around.

Summertime

2014-06-22T02:06:50Z

It's the Solstice today - a halfway point, a beginning, a transition. The sun lingers just a little longer this evening before it begins its gradual retreat. It always makes me a little wistful to think of the days getting steadily shorter from here. The weather is certainly in keeping with the true start of summer, hot and humid with plenty of sunshine. The insects are out in force providing the soundtrack for the evening. It's also my half-birthday, marking the midpoint of another year in my life. I spent the day cleaning. My house is clean, my linens are clean, my clothes are clean, my dishes are clean, my dog is clean. I don't know what the next 6 months will bring, but I feel a certain amount of anticipation. I want to enjoy these summer days, and not just count them down in dread of the coming winter. I want to enjoy the weekend, and not just count down the hours in dread of Monday morning.

The cycles of nature remind me of both the consistency of life, as well as its brevity. The moon waxes and wanes, the sun rises and sets, spring turns to summer turns to fall with or without us. There's comfort in that. But time slips along moment by moment and we are swept along with it, ready or not.

But enough philophosizing! It's summertime and the livin' is easy! Sip something cool and enjoy.

Time won't let me go...

2014-06-14T01:39:27Z

I don't like the thought of going through phases, of being in a phase, or something being just part of a phase. I like to think of myself as being steadfast and true, unwavering in my devotion. But phases are part of life. We can't grow without change, and change is a natural part of life. There's a point in childhood development that I think is a good demonstration of this. In early childhood kids will attempt to hold items in only one hand. They won't think to reach with their other hand. So, in order to pick up something new they have to put down whatever they're holding. That's so scary for us - to put down what we're holding to pick up something else, even if the something else is better. All too often I hang on with a white-knuckled grip when there is something better just within my grasp. I stick to the threadbare comfort of routine even when I find no joy or pleasure in it anymore. It's just background noise. I restlessly change the channel and check my inbox and like and fav and bookmark while a knot settles in my stomach and I have to ask myself why. I'm just punching the clock 'til bedtime, 'til time to get up again, 'til quitting time, 'til what?