Interior shot: Man's office, kind of organized chaos, stuff laying about everywhere...A cold unfinished cup of coffee nestled amidst papers...A little plastic, feathered bird-dippy thing on the shelf behind him bobbing it's little red plastic beak into a small cup of red-colored liquid...A pack of cigarettes half hiding under some official-looking yet totally unimportant documents...A regular Joe (Nick) sitting comfortably in the middle of all this useless but too important crap to throw away...Someone knocks on his door and he looks up from his computer screen..

"Come in."

A young, newly-hired assistant steps in. She appears nervous, yet friendly. She looks around the office as if a homeless person's possessions have just exploded in the room and gives the man a slight smile that seems to say, ok he's a guy, this place looks like it harbors leprosy, but he seems sorta ok so I don't think I'm going to catch anything fatal...

"Yes? Can I help you? I ask. I notice that she is a little nervous, so I offer her a smile to break the tension. She's about 21 tops...Probably her first real job so I'll try to be patient. She is very small in stature, has big brown eyes and dark, colorless hair that doesn't quite seem to know what it wants to be when it grows up.

Blank stare. No expression. I don't think she understood the question. And so, I repeat myself.

"Can I help you, uh...?"

She actually seems to understand that I'm too stupid to have remembered her name so she doesn't let me struggle hard enough to hurt myself trying to figure it.

"Janice." she says.

"Yeah," I nod, pretending I knew it all along when both of us know I really didn't, that I'm only being polite, or trying not to look like I actually give two shits or whatever. "yeah Janice...What can I do for you?"

Blank stare. No discernible sign of comprehension whatsoever. Ok, I think to myself. She's nice, but deaf. I'll speak louder so as not to embarrass her. I raise my voice slightly to accommodate her special needs. "Yes Janice. Do you need something!?"

Blank stare. No reaction. Well, delayed reaction. Takes her to a count of ten to speak. I wait patiently for some incredible pearl of wisdom to fall from her overly-glossed lips. Ah! She's about to say something really spectacular!

"Hi." says Janice, and suddenly I hear Twilight Zone music playing in the background. Oh no, I think, I have another ostrich.

"Hello." I reply. The Twilight Zone music skips a beat then resumes again.

"Hi." Blank stare. Still no expression. Only this time she bats her eyes in some strange kind of annoying rhythm as if trying to use 'eyelash Morse code' to communicate with me. I blink back as if to signal that 'no, I don't know eyelash Morse code, and you're actually going to have to 'speak' in order for this conversation to move forward.'

I really don't know what else to do except to repeat myself and hope something sinks in here.

"Can...I...help...you?" I reply, slowly, so my question isn't misunderstood yet again.

"Yeah." Blank stare. No expression. More eyelash Morse code. She reaches up and starts curling a few strands of her no-color, pre-pubescent hair absent-mindedly. I sigh. Oh God. How do I begin to communicate with an ostrich? I do that 'ya wanna speed this up a little cause I haven't got all day' hand signal, and she looks around the room again. At this point I'm thinking, 'if she has trouble with the really simple shit, how in the hell is she going to comprehend the really tough stuff, like, what time is it Janice...?'

I find myself staring back at her and quickly remind myself that at least one of us has to keep going or I'm going to pass another birthday while she's standing there in the doorway. So I say,

"Can I do something for you?"

"Yeah."

Oh jesus, I think, kill me now.

I do that 'hurry up' hand signal a little more forcibly now, and finally there's a slight sign of life in her eyes. I give a small sigh of relief. For a moment there I thought I'd been dealing with an animated corpse. "yeah. I was just wondering..." she says.

Blank stare. No expression. Hair twist. More eyelash Morse code. This is the point when you finally begin to realize that you're not going to be able to have an intelligent conversation in any language, even if you try using Egyptian hieroglyphics and hand signals for the hearing impaired!

I take in a deep breath and let it out again, slowly. Patience Nick, I tell myself, she's young...Maybe she didn't learn to speak until just this morning, so maybe she's not all that familiar with the concept yet.

"What were you wondering, Janice?"

She draws herself up to her full two feet in height and appears to have a sudden ephinany. Oh joy, I tell myself, now we're getting somewhere! This is going to be good!

"I was just wondering if..." and her sentence trails off as if a rhinoceros just walked through the office and distracted her. Blank stare. No expression. Hair twist. Eyelash Morse code. Heavy sigh.

I actually sit back in my chair and stick a finger up my left nostril hoping that will gross her out enough to finish the sentence and get the hell out of here. It doesn't have any effect at all.

"You were wondering if...what, Janice?" I try throwing her a hint but, she doesn't get it.

"I was just wondering if you..."

Oh jesus wept. I pull my finger out of my nose and wipe it on the front of my shirt. What the hell, I think, not going to have any effect anyway so I might as well just give it up.

"Janice." I say trying my best not to jump up and wrap both hands around her neck and snap it in two like a toothpick. "Janice listen to me." I calmly say. "I have a very very busy schedule today...So if you have a question to ask, go ahead and ask it. I'll be happy to answer it to the best of my ability. Ok?"

"Huh?." Blank stare. No expression. More seconds tick by. Hair twist. Silence. Eyelash Morse code. Maybe if I suddenly jumped up on my desk and started humming 'Ride of the Valkyries' really really loudly while gesturing wildly with my arms, something might just get her attention and snap her out of this coma.

I find myself blinking back at her and then I almost slap myself for being so caught up with the possibility that she was actually capable of speech. I start throwing ideas out randomly so old age and arthritis doesn't set in while I'm waiting.

"You were just wondering who makes the coffee first thing in the morning right?" I ask. "No, no wait, you were just wondering if...you can have a raise. Yes, it's only your first day. I understand that. But you have to pay for all those 'people' lessons so maybe it wouldn't hurt just to ask right? No. No! I've got it!...You were just wondering if there's someplace private you can go here in the office to practice your pilates, cause it's three hundred thousand degrees outside and you don't like sweat stains under your arm pits but you're too embarrassed to ask me cause I'm a guy, right? Right!?"

No expression. Blank stare. Eyelash Morse code. Hair twist. Ostrich. A semi-long passage of unimaginably awkward silence.

"No." replies Janice flatly.

"Ok." I stick a finger back up my left nostril and leave it there. "Why don't I just ask a series of random questions and you just nod if any one of them rings a bell..."

"Uh." says Janice. "uh...Um. Ok..."

Holy Mother of Pearly Bailey. This can't be happening to me, I think. It's all just some terrible dream. My head is going to snap forward and suddenly I'll wake up and realize with a great sense of relief that it was indeed a dream. That Janice has been standing there talking to me the entire time like any normal person would, but that I haven't heard her because I've been in La-la Land. And so, it begins...

"Do you want to know where the ladies restroom is on this floor?" I ask.

"No."

"Do you want to know if we have any polar bears on the premises?"

"No."

"Do you want to know if I like orangutan eyeballs in my sushi?"

"No."

Sigh. Blank stare. No expression at all. More eyelash Morse code. More twisting of the hair. No nodding. An ostrich. Please someone, mercifully have me put to death. I'll even supply the lethal injection myself.

"You want to know what hours you're scheduled to work next week?"

Suddenly from out of nowhere, Janice nods once. It was so subtle though I almost missed it. I have to ask again just to be certain.

"So, you just want to know what hours you're scheduled to work next week!?"

Janice nods. Oh my God! I broke through! Halle-fucking-happy-lujah!!!

So see? It really isn't all that hard to ask a question when you don't understand something, or if you really do have something important to ask but you feel somewhat embarrassed to ask it...And when someone actually asks you your own question first, it's ok to nod immediately to save centuries from screaming by in the blink of an eye...

You guys get it now right?

Please just nod your head if you understand me...