so things are going well with nick. the only thing, which may or may not be ridiculous of me, is he's a Capricorn: when i looked this up about matches and stuff it tends to be that they don't work together at all, but on some occasions, as they are polar opposites of each other, it can work. he is the type to focus on logistics and work, a set time for play. and i am the type to focus on comfort, anytime play and my emotions. its sort of like a ying yang thing i guess: if we are conscious of our differences and except them, we could be wonderful.

i've already noticed ways he's so different from me. he has two jobs, he takes them seriously and has life organized into schedules. not that he speaks of them as such, but considering sunday is his day off and he uses it just for hanging out etc, the rest of the week is strictly work, no partying. of course those who know me know im not the type to sit down to a job and focus on it until i have a day free, i just happen to always make everyday free. im content with my life being unorganized and being a bum. if he were a bum like me, i think he'd be pretty upset with himself.

however this is something i actually like about him: if im going to be in a relationship i need someone who is in control of themselves and their schedules. luckily i will not be judged for mine: it just means i don't need to concern myself with his affairs, he is absolutely able and does take care of himself. i really admire it in him.

we finally talked about unstableness, and i told him about the crisis center and the depression/anxiety. we talked about cutters (as i have a few friends who are and such..), and are different yet similar opinions of it. he sees it as ridiculous and unnecessary, and has told me people who cannot stand on their own freak him out. well, in some ways thats just me. on others, and more as i would like to see it, i am more than able to take care of myself. if no one is relying on me to be one thing or another, and im not relying on them to be one thing or another, i see no problem. as for those who cut, well, we at least agree its a way to express mental pain, and that in the end it is unnecessary: i just think people aren't always aware if its a bad or good decision, just that somehow it gets it out of their chests. agreed. perfect.

our relationship is getting stronger fairly fast and as wonderful as it all is fast is usually bad. i think we both are aware of that and try to calm it down, but me being an "emotional crab" i need to know how he feels about me. i know he is happy and very much in love, but my nature to think to much is putting pressure on it. he knows i love him very much so he expresses himself often. i don't know what im doing sometimes. i think thats where i keep fucking up. so in this situation, i know i just need to say to myself.... shut up... enjoy this... focus on your homework, your audition, your bills, and the job you oh so need.


i think.

thats what i need to smooth out.