recently

recently, in a mix of emotions, i feel like a psychopath.

anyone else getting this?
oh im sure.

i feel like crying always but i don't know why. little things, and the bigger things on top of that. oh, you don't have a spare cigarette? wah. oh i'm in total debt and won't be able to pay rent anymore? wah.

so why is that so? and WHY THE FUCK is my account $650 in the hole?!!! that makes no fucking sense at all... this is the kind of thing, this on its own, that will drive me to insanity and right back to that little crisis center i could call home.

i guess its time to go back on meds? but then my pride. my pride doesn't want to be medicated, in fact its kind of done with drugs at all, even alcohol. my pride is ready to be responsible and take control of my life and push me forward to achieve great things.

too bad the crazy is screaming give up.


i miss faces and feelings. i miss not caring. i miss... the missing.


so now i'm home, and the sound of techno music reminds me of the neurons in my brain on fritz. electric and fast and piling feelings and sounds and things.

i want the comfort back. sometimes i get the comfort, but it comes rarely again, as i suppose it would be.


my friends are really really great. i love all of them. but why do i feel like pushing them all away?

i used up all my passion on... i don't want to say what. i guess i just know and so does everyone else.
and yelling, crying, burning and fighting for you, THAT was passion. that was passion on speed. in minutes i took a lifetime of what i wish i told myself for you. you deserve it immensely, i just wish i saw it that way for myself too.

this money thing, this school thing... this is going to make me break.