Here I am, writing you another email.

You opened a lot of doors for me in those few months.

You showed me there’s more than just black and white.

I was able to figure out what I actually wanted.

Now with the summer, I’ve had a lot of down time.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit.

I’ve learned more about myself than I ever thought possible.

I found out what’s wrong with me: I’m too dependent on you.

All those months in school, for the most part, I was only with you.

I lived and breathed you.

I’m not saying dependency is a bad thing, it’s just, I didn’t moderate it at all.
I realize now that I was probably too much.

And, it seems like you’re more relaxed now that I’m away.

I’ve been having terrible dreams lately.

The first one was me running down a hallway; I could see you at the end but I couldn’t get to you no matter how fast I ran.

Another was about me getting the same phone call over and over again; someone on the other end saying you didn’t care about me anymore.

The past three nights now, I dreamt you fell from your Duck, hurt your knee, and ended up in the hospital.

I know it’s silly…but these dreams seemed very real, especially the knee one.

So, when I’m actually awake, I want to know you’re okay.

I’m not afraid of water, heights, or bumblebees anymore; I’m just cautious when I’m around them.

I’ve realized that if I’ve got some kind of floatie, I’m okay.

If I have a handrail to hold onto, I know I won’t fall.

And I can just walk the other way when I see a bumblebee.

I said it before, I really hate to blame how I feel on this area, but I don’t know whose fault it is.

I kinda laughed to myself when you said, “You’re too pessimistic, you’ve been in Hurley too long.”

You have no idea.

In all honesty, I didn’t last a week here.

I truly hate who I am when I’m home.

I said in my last email that if I have a problem, I want to confront it right away.

I probably have already said everything to you at least three times, but I believe I need to stand up for myself and tackle this.

Even though it’s just something this small, it’s more than I’ve done in awhile.

There’s a part of me that is afraid of starting an argument with you but the other part says I have to get it out even if you've heard it.

To say that this issue is bothering me so much.

I find myself writing emails and texting often.

I always hope for a reply and I rarely get one.

I feel like I’m talking to a wall.

And I know we both get tired of me begging for a reply from you.

I know what you’re going to tell me: you’re busy, you have errands to run, you have friends there to hang out with, and you need some alone time too.

But, I'm saying I wish there’d be more room for me.

An email, a random text…I’m not saying everyday, just once in awhile.

I talk to you on the phone about every three days for about 5-20 minutes.

I miss hearing your voice, you saying you love me, that you think of me, and just generally talking.

My questions are:

Am I annoying you because of all this? - If yes, why?

Do you feel pressure because I depend on you?

Am I asking too much from you?

Writing is my way to release, and I don’t know if you want all this brought before you.

You’ve always said I could talk to you.

I send you these "letters" because I keep a diary, well, more like a blog...but I wrote hundreds of letters and never sent any.

When I send this to you, I know it’s being read and I know I’ll get a reply.

But above all things, I’ll see what’s coming out of these fingers and I’ll get another brain in the situation, a head that can help me if I ask for it.

I can learn more and hopefully shake free of troubles I cause for myself.I've made checklist for me along the way: