you must write, and read, as if your life depended on it.
Maybe I can't write because all I want to write about is the truth. The real truth. Not the pretty words. Not the vague ambivalent entries about things that are wrong with my life or love or other things I can't touch. Maybe I don't want to care anymore whether my work is creative and original (otherwise known as emo and cliche). Maybe I don't care whether every entry ends with an epiphany. Life is an epiphany, get the fuck over it.
I want to sit everyone down and say here it is. Here is my life and it is amazing and I wouldn't change one thing for the world. And while I had their attention, I would talk about how I see the world from the minute I step out of my brownstone to the last thing I remember while I'm falling asleep. I would talk about how I never sleep anymore and I'm always tired and how much I HATE that. I would tell them all about politics and life and love and coffee and the importance of breaking rules and being free. About New York and DC and Detroit and how I feel when when trains pass each other underground. I would tell them about jesus christ how irreparably changed my life has become. Because ain't that the truth?
So I'm going to keep trying to write. It's harder now, because the words don't flow like they used to, and they certainly don't fall like endless rain into a paper cup but it's important to realize that there is a reason for this. I think it's because life is complicated and wonderful and I have amazing people in my life who listen to my stories. The endless emails to aco and messages with rem and late night conversations with emma jane ground me and challenge me to think deeply about the life I am living and define the life that I wish to live. But that's no excuse to stop writing--for better of for worse this is where I do a lot of my thinking. I know that it's silly to keep an online journal--even if the world of never ending bloggers--but I don't care. It keeps me honest even if it doesn't keep me completely truthful. I don't want to twist too many people into my records, I don't want to say too much. But I'm going to keep trying. Because writing is the one in my life that I have never wanted to stop doing. Not once.
I want to sit everyone down and say here it is. Here is my life and it is amazing and I wouldn't change one thing for the world. And while I had their attention, I would talk about how I see the world from the minute I step out of my brownstone to the last thing I remember while I'm falling asleep. I would talk about how I never sleep anymore and I'm always tired and how much I HATE that. I would tell them all about politics and life and love and coffee and the importance of breaking rules and being free. About New York and DC and Detroit and how I feel when when trains pass each other underground. I would tell them about jesus christ how irreparably changed my life has become. Because ain't that the truth?
So I'm going to keep trying to write. It's harder now, because the words don't flow like they used to, and they certainly don't fall like endless rain into a paper cup but it's important to realize that there is a reason for this. I think it's because life is complicated and wonderful and I have amazing people in my life who listen to my stories. The endless emails to aco and messages with rem and late night conversations with emma jane ground me and challenge me to think deeply about the life I am living and define the life that I wish to live. But that's no excuse to stop writing--for better of for worse this is where I do a lot of my thinking. I know that it's silly to keep an online journal--even if the world of never ending bloggers--but I don't care. It keeps me honest even if it doesn't keep me completely truthful. I don't want to twist too many people into my records, I don't want to say too much. But I'm going to keep trying. Because writing is the one in my life that I have never wanted to stop doing. Not once.
