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The thing that has been bothering me lately has been giving a BIT of an advantage to my depression, letting it pull me down. Only a little. Today was so far the worse, because I cried like an ocean of tears. But luckily, Shi was on and he helped me. Yeah, sure it was short and all but.. no matter the length, it still helped me. I don't feel as crappy now. But before I make my private post about that thing bothering me.. I need to know something. PLEASE, just PLEASE post a comment to this. To whoever is reading. Is it possible that you love someone with all your life, and that person loves you as well and as much, and you love even more than your own life and .. actually be attracted (a little) to someone else? Okay, if that's a little confusing.. Say you love this PERSON with all your life, and even more than your own life, and that PERSON feels the same and perhaps even more.. Is it possible that with all that I said, you feel a little attracted to someone else? That's all I will say here... And yes, this is still public. And yes, this entry is personal and public. I believe I shouldn't need to hide things from him, especially if I love him more than my own life. Well, off to make my private post. I'll be editing it a lot though. But.. you wouldn't know. No one would, but me. Unless someone hacks into my ID. And I might be making a new livejournal and all, but I will be sure to tell you guys. If you want to add it is your choice. But I'll keep it undeleted until the paid account status dies out, but also pay for the new account. And I'll be sure to choose a username I won't regret. Lol. I know it's a good thing to have a lot of mix feelings in here, but some things will put me down. And I want to begin anew.. .MOOD.:  Trying not to be confusing.
.BACKGROUND MUSIC.: Dunno. o.o
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Today wasn't that bad. My parents had that party but I was mostly hanging out with Cindy and Wendy (yep, they're sisters with 4 years difference) while their brother Johny just sat with us and all. Meh. I missed Yoel so much! I was like all looking at the cell every minute, if not second, to see if he texted me or not. XD YES I AM CRAZY FOR HIM! <.< We were like playing with the karaoke thing, choosing songs but I knew nothing what the Chinese characters said or what they meant. Meh. I don't really care.. Not important to me. But I do like this song by Jacky Cheung? that is sooo like how I feel for Yoel. Well.. at least I think it is. From what Cindy told me what the song was about and what the title meant. "I love you more everyday." It's probably singing about unrequited love but oh well. I'll use it to my advantage and use some parts for how I feel for him. Cindy will get me the song and hopefully the translations to the lyrics of the song later. So..yeah. ^^ And Cindy knows somewhat about him. <.< YEP! I showed a text and all.. and I think she knew something was up even before I told her about him, or showed one of his text, because I asked her, "do you believe there's someone for everyone that the someone will complete that person's heart and soul?" and stuff.. and she said that although she didn't find that someone herself, that she thinks it's possible. And I believe I said I did, but I dunno if she heard me or not. Well, whatever. I miss him a lot. YES! I'm totally crazy for him.. All I need and want in this world is him! But I suppose today wasn't too bad.. Heh. ^^ That was what I wrote in my GreatestJournal. Yeah.. I wrote my resolution just today but.. just leave me alone. ~_~ I don't feel so well anymore.. I dunno what's wrong with me! I hate myself.. I might actually leave the computer and internet on the whole night.. I don't like anything anymore.. No, incorrect. I just want him.. I need him damnit. I'm scared of what my mom will say or do when I tell her I'm moving there. I hope I have enough courage to go with my decision, and I really hope I will get accepted to the university he's transferring too. I really hope so. I suppose I can pray.. But prayers aren't always the thing. Gah, I feel horrible. ~_~ I feel like crying again.... .BACKGROUND MUSIC.: Who cares..
.MOOD.:  Not good but not worst.
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While I was cleaning my room because my dad said my friends might come up here, I thought of my New's Year resolution. And it is to change myself.. or my past self. Maybe I started that already, but it is to start doing things I like and things I enjoy. To start being myself, and not someone I'm not. To just stop pretending. And also to try to get a better self-esteem because that's not just hurting me, but hurting those close to me and those I love/care about. I'm going to start changing myself, for the good. And instead of finding faults in myself or others, I will start working on them (for myself) to change them. And if I can't, I will just have to deal with it and not start dwelling on them. To work on the things I'm good at. And there are things I'm good at.. I just have to explore. All those things people said that I thought was stupid or didn't apply to me, or just thought was foolish.. well, they're not. They're actually true. It's hard to take in stuff at that moment when you're angry or depressed or sad, or just plain emotional, but it gives NO ONE any reason to ignore those things. If you do, well, I can just call you ignorant. :P Why I'm posting this? Besides that I want people to know I will start changing myself and as a reminder to myself, I want people to also start doing some things listed here. Such as taking ANY kind of advice and thinking them through.. and not just for a few minutes or weeks, or even months. See them thoroughly, and see how it can help you. Instead of seeing how bad something is, look at what good they can do for you. Because every little thing is useful to you. And I mean everything. I don't know how I came up with that. I mean it's not like I've been to Church lately. <.< It just came to me. And I want to share this with everyone.. Perhaps it's because I found my true happiness, and I just feel complete now so I don't have to repress my heart anymore. And since that happened, I can start doing things I want and things I like. But that doesn't mean I'll be happy and dandy every second. I'll still be sad sometimes, or angry. Because nothing is perfect, and no one is perfect. I just found the perfect one FOR ME that completes my heart and soul, and even body. Everything and everyone has flaws and faults, but that doesn't mean they have to be dwelt on. And some of these words may sound like advice to you, but it's also for me too. To help me change myself. All I need is him and God. And of course my friends. I will do what my heart tells me, and do things I like and enjoy. It is my life and I only have one. I shall not dwell on the negative memories or negative situations I am in, or those I will be in. I will change. For the good. Okay, I'm done. You may go now. xD SHOOOOOO! And I'll probably change how I'll talk.. I will change myself, if not others. But also to change myself in hope that it may affect others in ways I may not know, or ever know. And I'm going to start just not taking too much consideration at what people have to say about me. The only people I should care about what they think about me is.. God, my special love Yoel, and when I get a job, my boss. But pretty much it's God and Yoel. I shouldn't and don't need to care about what others say or think about me. It's their own opinions, as I have my own. It's up to them if they want to let me know their opinions, but I will also let them know if it hurts me or not. I'm not going to sit there and let them push me back into the dark. Satan will lose. The shadows will no longer dance in victory. The light will prevail forever and more. (Psst, I'm really done now. XD) .MOOD.:  Empty, but not really.
.BACKGROUND MUSIC.: 2R but I'm not really listening..
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Happy New Year everyone! I wish you all a great, or good, 2005! Although this year was full of surprises, both good and bad, I will always remember it. Hopefully, lol. Well, it will always be in my heart.. the good ones. 2004 was the year I met the one who completes my heart and soul, and even body, and I will remember 2004 for him. It was also the year I graduated from high school, and the year I found my first love.. And I mean love, not crushes or infatuation. Those other guys were crushes only, even if I thought it was love. Because they never were love. And perhaps Steven wasn't my first love, because perhaps he was just something more than a crush but less than the love.. Or he was the unrequited love. But now I did. I found the one who loves me back, my everything. Everything I need and want in this world to survive and to just live. But anyway, I hope you all made New Year's resolutions! Because I haven't. o.o; Well... I don't think I have. Maybe to be with my special someone forever. Because I can't imagine myself with anyone but him. And this didn't just start today or yesterday or a week ago. I suppose it started since I met him. Besides, he's the only one who completely understands me... or if not 100% complete, then 99.9% complete. 1% for individuality. He's the only one I don't need to always explain myself to.. The one who I can always turn to for everything, whether it be love or friendship.. or both. And the one who feels the same as I. Heh, you probably think I'm happy and all. But.. although I am with him, and although he is my everything (everything good) to me.. I'd say content now. These past days, starting with Christmas, were kinda stressful for me.. With the voices and all, but I can bare with it as long as I know the love between him and I is strong. And it will only grow stronger as the second passes, and overcome any obstacle that falls in its path. We'll start a new and fresh life together.. A happy one. And if not happy, then a content one. Because life is about difficulties, but also overcoming it with that special someone. And I know everyone has a special someone! If you say you don't, then that means you never read my entries. <.< Because I used to ALWAYS say I don't have a special someone, ALWAYS say I don't deserve one.. but here I am, with that special someone. Maybe you won't meet him the same way I did. Maybe you will meet him from the street across your home or school, or in another city/state when you go to college. Or maybe you already met him but didn't know it.. Like a guy you just passed by walking to school or whatever. But point is, everyone has a soulmate. Anyway, I'll go and finish up what I can do for my RO skin and close up. Sleep. I gotta go out to wash and cut my hair in the salon tomorrow.. Some big party. Not that I care. <.< I just want to be with him. Guess I'll just be holding my cell when I can't go on the computer. xD I'll leave my internet on though, but I may not be able to talk much (yeah right XD). Well, Happy New Year everyone!! ^^;; P.S. - And wooo, my first long post here. XD Hehehe. .MOOD.:  content
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.BACK to the past.
..Dunno....
freezing hands and feet
Not feeling well.
alone...