[ nobody likes me everybody hates me ]
So. I go riding today. Well. Sort of. I get to ride for five minutes. The rest of the 3 hours, I'm working. Now, I understand working, I'm not a slacker. I really do understand it, and I was glad to work to get to ride but, hell. The guy that owns the stable almost just sent me home without letting me ride, and what the hell kind of thanks is that? I did everything that old bastard asked.
You know what my dream is? To be an American manga-ka, or a writer. It's hopeless, I know, since I'm shitty at both. Well, that's my dream. Keep that in mind.
I get in the car to go home. I'm moderately happy. The horse I rode was a good horse; smart, beautiful. A very good girl. And mom is happy. Well. For two seconds she is. Then she starts talking about dressage. And I say, "Mom, we've already discussed this. It would take all the fun out of it." And she starts in on me. Like she thinks my dream is dressage. She knows goddamn well I want to be a writer or an American manga-ka. She's already told me that she's not going to force me into dressage.
And what does she start yelling at me for? Well. She wants to force me to do dressage.
What the fuck? What. The. Fuck? I'd like to see her try. She said that she worked at Churchill Downs, knowing she would never get to even sit on those horses, just to be near them, just to smell them, from 4 in the morning till noon. WHO IS SHE TO TELL ME THIS SHIT?! She was too fucking FAT and too fucking SCARED to ever get on a horse! She didn't every WANT on a horse, cause she's fucking SCARED of them. So who is she to tell me what to do?! She thinks I just want to half-ass it, like I complained about the work! My GRANDMOTHER understood that I didn't want to do dressage. But mom thinks that, since I get a free ride because I'm doing WORK, that I have to do dressage to make up for it. She's a fucking HOG that only cares about HERSELF and MONEY.
Does she even CARE about my dreams? Because if she does, she's smashed them all to bits. I hope she's happy.
I hope that she remembers that stress gets me into the hospital, when I'm back in the hospital. I hope that she figures out she's causing the stress.
18th birthday, you can't come fast enough. Hell, even 16th would work. I could run away at 16, and actually do something for myself. Actually be HAPPY, maybe.
Or maybe I'll just stress myself out so much, I'll go back in the hospital. Maybe I'll even die, wouldn't that be grand? I'd bet I'd be much more happier. There's nothing good here in this world, as far as I'm concerned.
You know what my dream is? To be an American manga-ka, or a writer. It's hopeless, I know, since I'm shitty at both. Well, that's my dream. Keep that in mind.
I get in the car to go home. I'm moderately happy. The horse I rode was a good horse; smart, beautiful. A very good girl. And mom is happy. Well. For two seconds she is. Then she starts talking about dressage. And I say, "Mom, we've already discussed this. It would take all the fun out of it." And she starts in on me. Like she thinks my dream is dressage. She knows goddamn well I want to be a writer or an American manga-ka. She's already told me that she's not going to force me into dressage.
And what does she start yelling at me for? Well. She wants to force me to do dressage.
What the fuck? What. The. Fuck? I'd like to see her try. She said that she worked at Churchill Downs, knowing she would never get to even sit on those horses, just to be near them, just to smell them, from 4 in the morning till noon. WHO IS SHE TO TELL ME THIS SHIT?! She was too fucking FAT and too fucking SCARED to ever get on a horse! She didn't every WANT on a horse, cause she's fucking SCARED of them. So who is she to tell me what to do?! She thinks I just want to half-ass it, like I complained about the work! My GRANDMOTHER understood that I didn't want to do dressage. But mom thinks that, since I get a free ride because I'm doing WORK, that I have to do dressage to make up for it. She's a fucking HOG that only cares about HERSELF and MONEY.
Does she even CARE about my dreams? Because if she does, she's smashed them all to bits. I hope she's happy.
I hope that she remembers that stress gets me into the hospital, when I'm back in the hospital. I hope that she figures out she's causing the stress.
18th birthday, you can't come fast enough. Hell, even 16th would work. I could run away at 16, and actually do something for myself. Actually be HAPPY, maybe.
Or maybe I'll just stress myself out so much, I'll go back in the hospital. Maybe I'll even die, wouldn't that be grand? I'd bet I'd be much more happier. There's nothing good here in this world, as far as I'm concerned.
