The Age Of Reason

Reason #40 Why I'm Still Single

2008-10-17T13:37:47Z

JFK International Airport
Photo courtesy of Naamtobatao

I was flying out of Des Moines International Airport one time for my first veterinarian seminar to be held in New York...I was really excited to be going anywhere outside the state of Iowa, let alone to a major metropolitan city for the weekend, so my powers of observation were particularly acute that day...Now let me remind you that although Des Moines International isn't exactly JFK, it's still usually pretty crowded on Friday by commuters, vacationers and business people....So the chances of seeing anyone really interesting are pretty much nil...I had already checked in the bulk of my luggage and carried with me only my briefcase and a small leather satchel with a few personal items in it to take on board with me for the duration of the flight...

But as I approached the security station, I noticed a young, dark-haired woman with a pink Hello Kitty backpack on line a short distance ahead of me...When she turned around, I saw that not only was she quite attractive, with warm hazel-colored eyes and a flawless complexion, but she was also close to my age, more importantly though, she had a friendly, open face...Some women can be extremely beautiful, but they just don't "look" very friendly....She did, and that officially made her "my type"...(Not that I actually have a type, but if I did, she'd definitely be it!) We ended up next to each other in line and I was just about to say something witty, clever, and quite possibly brilliant, when the security guy pointed a long, bony finger at me and told me to put my satchel and briefcase on the table....

I was lucky enough to be the one random guy they select for additional screening...(this is apparently my lot in life, as I always seem to be the one guy they always pick out, I was beginning to wonder if people actually thought I "looked" like some kind of terrorist) I was then led into an upright glass coffin, though he referred to it as the "puffer machine"...Has anyone else ever seen one of these things!? You stand in this glass box, the doors shut tightly behind you and then it hits you with little bursts of warm air...

The machine then analyzes the particles in the air while you wait and just hope that the light finally turns green...If it turns red instead, that means it's detected traces of C-4 explosive, anthrax, or something similarly horrible along those lines and you're instantly incinerated...Ok I might be making up the incinerated part, but the rest is true...Luckily, the light turned green and I was released unharmed...

Unfortunately, pink Hello Kitty backpack had moved on...

After buying a bag of individually wrapped pieces of hard candy at the gift shop, (I always have one of these things in my mouth whenever I fly commercial, because it keeps my eardrums from rupturing and bleeding all over my shirt when we finally reach cruising altitude), I saw pink Hello Kitty backpack again...In fact, she ended up down at gate 7, and I was going to gate 6....I quickly sent a text message to my best buddy Sam to let him know I was going in for the nearly impossible "airport pickup" move...

I do this mainly to keep myself from chickening out, as once I made the bold, cocky statement that the day I left Iowa for ANY reason, I'd find myself a traveling companion before I get on the plane, so I knew Sam would mock me mercilessly if I even thought about bailing out...In retrospect, that wasn't any different than how he normally treated me...but Sam does help out with incredibly smooth lines, though...On my return trip he came up with a couple of nearly perfect airport lines, such as:

In a white trash voice, go up to a girl and say, "flyin somewhar's?"

I explained to him that we weren't in Texas, I just had a lay-over there...We were currently in Iowa, so I wasn't exactly sure how anyone would be able to distinguish the difference between a white trash accent, and just plain old cornfield rhetoric...He conceded that was a very good point, and came up with an ever better line...Go up to the woman and say:

"You must be a pilot, cause I'd like to take a tour of your cockcockpit."

At this point I believe I should mention that none of Sam's lines have EVER actually helped me, or anyone else meet a woman...At the time he'd been married to his childhood sweetheart right out of high school, so what did he know about picking up women anyway?! Besides I was already a pilot, and just the mere thought of uttering such a lame pickup line like that one made me cringe....

However, back at the airport in Des Moines...

I walked up to pink Hello Kitty backpack and dropped my satchel and briefcase down next to her...Before I even sat down she looked up at me, smiled and said, "Hi!" See, I knew she had a friendly face...The conversation took off like we were old friends...She was quite interesting, her name was Shelia, and she was entering doctorate school in the fall, but right now she was heading off to Europe for 3 weeks with a group she'd signed up with, without knowing anyone of them...A very adventurous spirit, more bonus points!...

As it turned out, we were both heading to New York on the same flight...Fate didn't actually put us next to one another on the plane, but we talked for the next hour to keep the conversation going while we waited for the very last person to board the plane...

On the plane we were 4 rows apart, but it was a packed flight and they weren't allowing any seat swapping...I did throw a couple of smiles back her way, and when she didn't have her head down solving a sudoku puzzle, she smiled back...Anyone that knows me is well aware that if you give me 5 minutes to think, I can come up with something incredibly dorky to do that very often ends in disaster...Imagine what I could do on a prolonged flight?! I held out as long as humanly possible, but finally something had to be done...The dorkiest thing I could think of was to pass her a note, like back in the 9th grade...Yes! This was a splendid idea! Well done, Nick!

So I wrote her a quick note, (luckily I had a notebook in my briefcase that I'd brought so that I could jot down a few questions during the seminars that had been floating around in my head...Women seem to dig guys that carry around briefcases and notebooks to write stuff down on because it makes them appear as if they actually have a brain) I then walked down the row, handed her one piece of hard candy, one note, smiled my best smile, and walked back to my seat without saying a word...She smiled back, and I could only imagine how anxious she was just to see what I had written....No, seriously.

The note read something like this:

Hi Shelia,

I thought it would be kinda fun to pass you a note like we were back in Jr High...I know, pretty smooth, am I right? Since we both have a lay-over in Texas, would you like to hang out with me for a while after we land? You have to answer in 9th grade fashion, though, so please check the appropriate box:

a)Yes

b)Maybe

c)No

I'm telling you, if women thought I was half as funny as I think I am, I'd be set...However, she was trapped in the center seat, and right after I dropped off the note we began our descent, so I would have to wait until after we landed to get a response...I got off the plane first, and waited for her...She handed me the note back with the "yes" box checked in eye liner as apparently she didn't have a pen...She had even re-folded the note into a paper airplane!...I really like a woman that can play along with my bizarre sense of humor...

We spent the next hour waiting over by my gate, as I had the earlier flight out to New York...We had a great time laughing and joking, but it was the fastest airport lay-over I've ever had in my life...In the end I though I scored her email address, her phone number and a quick hug...Granted, we probably had a different perspective...I believe I was thinking something along the lines of,

"This woman is incredibly cool, sexy and intelligent. I'd really like to go out on a date with her when she gets back from Europe!"

And she was thinking,

"This guy is really cool, intelligent, and has fairly decent looks. A big plus is that he survived the "puffer" machine so he can't be a terrorist. I'd really like to hang out with him for the next 57 minutes until his plane leaves"...

But, that's ok because I believe that 10 years from now she'll be looking out of an airplane window, most likely flying over Nebraska somewhere, and she'll catch herself smiling as she remembers that quirky, funny guy that passed her a note on an airplane all those years ago....Ok, maybe not, but I probably will...

Reason #40 why I'm still single...

Timeless

2008-10-14T16:38:25Z

Picture courtesy of Boris Vajello

One simple look, a fleeting glance, and I am caught up within a whirlwind,
Your eyes flick up to meet mine in a penetrating stare that promises
Pleasures so divine, so rife with passion that I have to catch my breath,
Suddenly I feel weak and feverish...

One simple touch, and the world explodes, a riotous profusion of colors
That surround and infuse me with undeniable lust, you can see it in my
Eyes, for I cannot hide such overwhelming emotion, much too familiar
Are you with that dark gaze to misinterpret...

You smile, a gentle, knowing smile that speaks volumes to me, the night
Is young and we've nowhere to go, I am your willing captive in this
Timeless game of love, though eager I may be and impetuous in my
Ardent advances, you whisper calming words into my ears...

Capturing your mouth I make it mine, devouring it hungrily until
We are both left frantic with yearning, every sense heightened,
Every nuance recognized and understood, there is no need
For ineffectual words or useless trivialities...

My name escapes your lips, soft and pleading, a sound so eloquent,
So profound, so completely erotic that I am instantly undone,
I am left trembling in your arms like a drowning man as I move
Over you and lower my aching body onto yours...

You receive me with excruciating slowness, prolonging every sensation,
Drawing out the ecstasy and delight until I fear that only death itself
Could ease this delectable torture, there is nothing more
Precious nor cherished to me than this love that we both share...

Your body moves with mine in perfect synchronicity, each warm breath
That you exhale I consume with greedy self-indulgence, feasting
Without remorse upon the epicurean beauty I now possess,
The world could melt around me but I would not even care...

Nothing matters now except the rhythmic undulation of your
Body under mine, the tightening of your fingers in my
Hair, and my name whispered over and over again like
Some ancient pagan chant...

With infinite care and tenderness, you brush back the dark, damp strands
Of hair from off my forehead, then kiss my lips with such intense
Sensuality that I am rocked down to my core, any thoughts of self
Control I may have had instantly evaporates...

I cling to you in hopeless desperation as I feel your pleasure mix
With mine, then I gaze down at you with a look of apologetic
Penitence upon my face, but you place one finger against my
Lips to silence my protestations...

You smile up at me, your arms wrapping round my neck to pull me down
And hold me tight against you, 'The night is young my gallant knight,'
You say, 'and we've no place to go. So stay within my arms and
Let me ease your troubled mind.'

Eat Any Good Books Lately...?

2008-10-13T22:30:47Z

Picture courtesy of media2.web

My good friend Singinbookwhore from The Warped Mind Revealed come up with a fantastic idea, and so I'm going to share it with you too!

In case any of you want to visit her site personally and check it out for yourselves, here is the link to her page...

http://singinbookwhore.livejournal.com/

I'm pretty certain you'll love her style of writing as much as I do...So here are the instructions to find out just how many book readers are out there, and who's just merely faking it...

LOL

This isn't a test or anything, so just have fun with it!

**********************

Top 100 books

"The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed."
1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them.

1. Pride ands Prejuce - Jane Austen
2.The Lord Of The Rings - JRR Tolkien
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4. Harry Potter Series - JK Rowling
5. To Kill A Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible - all but revelations
7. Wuthering Heights -Emily Bronte
8. 1984 - George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa May Alcott
12. Tess Of The D'Urbervilles- Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete works of Shakespeare - William Shakespeare
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbitt - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18. Catcher In The Rye -JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot
21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34. Emma - Jane Austen
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
36. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41. Animal Farm - George Orwell
42. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50. Atonement - Ian McEwan
51. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52. Dune - Frank Herbert
53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68. Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70. Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker
73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses - James Joyce
76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78. Germinal - Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession - AS Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87. Charlotte's Web - EB White
88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94. Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas-- Love Dumas
98. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl--I have read everything by Dahl
100. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Ok folks, as you can see, I've read just about every one of the books listed...The ones I underlined I have read multiple times...So as I said before have fun with this! I had a blast doing it!

Darkness

2008-10-12T15:38:15Z

Picture courtesy of s3amazonaws.com

I am in darkness yet again, one small misstep,
And I have fallen into an abysmal hell of my own
Design where not even a fleeting shred of light
Can penetrate, and yet, I know that I am not alone...

I can hear them even now, their ragged nails skittering
For purchase on the filth covered floor, they are waiting
Patiently for me to bleed, and when I do, they will feast
Upon my misery as if it were some strange sweet treat...

They are my nightmares, my shattered dreams, my
Unrealized hopes and desires, things that haunt my
Conscious mind, remembered glimpses of the past
That should have remained dead and buried eons ago...

But I am here now and there is no escape, not until my
Suffering is complete, until every last tear has been shed
And every last heartache within my soul has been torn
Asunder and laid bare, a fine testament to woeful ruination...

There is no happiness within this place, no laughter, no joy,
No comfort, only endless sadness and despair, I might have
Avoided such a fate had I been more alert, had I not fallen so
Readily for sugar coated lies and acted on my instinct instead...

But in retrospect it truly was my fault, there is no single
Person to blame for my predicament because I brought
It all upon myself, so all the sorrow I must now endure will
Serve as a reminder to build higher walls around my heart...

I put my back against the cold, rough walls of this emotional
Stockade and line my disappointments up one by one, even
In these inky depths they are not difficult to see at all, just
Painful souvenirs of my own deplorable naivety and trust...

So I will cry my tears and bleed out my sorrow as I wait for
The first warm rays of the morning sun to pierce the shell
Of my self-imposed confinement, then I will pack away all
Of my disappointments as if they had never even existed...

But the darkness will still remain with me, for hours
Perhaps, or days, as I struggle to show the world my
Happy face, giving not a clue of where I have spent
My long and lonely nights full of anguish and sorrow...

No one will ever know what pain and suffering my own
Memories have wrought, or how many tears were shed,
Not simply because of what was lost, but because I was
Momentarily taken in and used for emotional fodder...

The darkness still waits for me but I am now more
Vigilant, no longer prone to ride to the rescue on the
Back of a hunch, nor slay invisible dragons in their
Lairs, I will avoid that first misstep into the abyss...

So as I sit here in the full light of day, I lick my wounds and
Count myself lucky to have escaped that hellish place so soon,
I have spent too many sleepless nights trapped down there in
Purgatory with only the sound of my own pain for company...

Safe Harbor

2008-10-12T01:26:57Z

Twilights Destiny by Arriere Pensee

You are my safe harbor, the one place where I can drop
Anchor and not be frightened by the wind nor terrified of
The dark and dangerous waves, the one place where I
Am protected and unconquerable, where the sea is
Forever calm and tranquil, where I need not have fear of
Anything nor anyone, where my soul is restful and at peace...

You are my lighthouse, shining your bright beacon of hope and
Understanding through the dark and treacherous night, guiding
Me to a quiescent refuge where I am sheltered from the storm
And bathed in a warm glow of peaceful equanimity, a place
Where my soul is free to take a spontaneous and uninhibited
Sojourn, secure in the knowledge that I am being watched over...

You are my moonlit bay, beauty incarnate, outshining even
The brightest stars that are reflected in the endless depths
Of your onyx eyes, you are the silvery ripples cast down from
Heaven to play upon the dancing swells of the gently restless
Ocean, my personal Calypso, guardian and watcher, forever
Vigilant and heedful, lest the demons of the deep start to rise...

You are my carefully charted shoreline where all the jagged
Rocks are mapped for my protection, where I need not fear
Shipwreck nor death amongst the jeopardous and craggy
Breakwater, you are my sextant, expertly aligned and true,
Forever leading me to this place of harmony and accord,
You are my anchor, holding me firm against any tempest...

You are my safe harbor, forever true, loyal, kind and caring,
A place I can retreat to, escape to, a place that resides deep
Within my heart and soul, untouched by all the vile and ugly
Rancor of the world, your love carries me upon the waves of
Life, steering me clear of dangers that seek to pull me down,
You are in essence my savior, and the answer to my prayers...

Universal Laws

2008-10-10T14:22:41Z

Picture courtesy of jessekoves.com

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking

A day without sunshine is like, night.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

A little inaccuracy saves a lot of explanation.

A penny saved is worthless.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Very Good Doctor.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Given a 50-50 chance, you will be wrong 90% of the time.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

How terrible a movie is, is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: "meetings."

If you think there is good in everybody, then you haven't met everybody.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

No one is listening until you make a mistake

Nobody is normal.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One-seventh of our life is spent on Monday.

People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humour are telling you that they have no sense of humor at all.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Remember that half the people you know are below average.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Success always occurs in private and failure in public

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

The careful application of terror can also be a form of communication.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot..

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles

What a nice night for an evening.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

You can observe a lot by just watching.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive

You should not confuse your career with your life.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason we observe Daylight Saving Time.

Your friends love you anyway.

The one thing that unites all humans, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above average drivers.

At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:

"The universe is even bigger than they thought!"

"There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!"

"Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong!"

The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile!". the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.

If Coke and Pepsi spend billions to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.

If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.

If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.

If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world's biggest dipshit.

And on those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the product - as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign, it's because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good.

If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as "Harlam Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention!"...I would quit my job to work for his campaign.

There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT!", and the executives turn this concept into a show.

The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT!" Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT!" And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few micro-organisms, the micro-organisms living in the Middle East will still be bitter enemies.

When God decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will not use, as his messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is insane.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

I'm Back

2008-10-10T13:27:27Z

Picture courtesy of stainlesssteeldroppings

I thought I'd pick an appropriate picture to let everyone know that I'm officially back among the living...I do want to take a few lines to thank all of those who sent their well wishes and words of encouragement, they were all truly appreciated...It took a little while for me to get my head wrapped around a few things and get my priorities in proper order, but now that they are? I feel a whole lot better about the world in general...

I do apologize for having bailed out so unexpectedly and without any prior notice, but sometimes isolation, at least in my case, actually works wonders...With the help of some close friends who stood by me and supported me no matter what happened, my heart goes out to you, you'll always be tops in my book...

I've had a rather rough go of it health-wise, but even that seems to be ironing itself out...It hasn't been easy, and I look as if I went two rounds with Evander Holyfield and lost, but hey, at least I'm still around and still able to laugh about it...Having people around me that I trusted enough to talk with did me a world of good, and all the good will messages I received here from you folks really kept my spirits up as well...

I simply can't thank any of you enough, nor find the appropriate words except 'thank you', simple I know, but well intentioned and from the bottom of my heart...It'll take me a day or so before I get back into the full swing of blogging again on a regular basis until I have enough strength to actually sit to the computer and do it, but that's not going to be too awfully long either...

You'll have to excuse the rather distasteful picture I chose to go along with this post, but that's pretty much exactly how I feel right now, and of course, we do have to start getting into the spirit of Halloween right?

So here's a little something I threw together that's been roaming around inside my head for the past few days, and those of you that know me, certainly won't find it any more bizarre or unusual than what I ordinarily post!

Thank you again, one and all...I can't begin to express my gratitude...So instead, I'm sharing a little bit more of myself in what I refer to as a bit of 'graveyard' humor...

********************************

My Own Eulogy

I've spent the last nine years composing my own eulogy...I've never written it down, never even started it, but I've written it a thousand times in my head...Ever since I was diagnosed with cancer I've been obsessed with all aspects of my funeral, who would speak, who would be there...What they would say...

Where it would be held, what kind of music would be chosen...What kind of food would be served at the after-party...I'm an incredibly bizarre individual, (as some of you have already figured out *wry grin*), and it probably won't surprise any of you to know that my funeral's gonna be the hottest ticket around cause it's gonna be crammed to the fucking rafters with mourners...Of course they'll all say they've come to pay their respects, but I know damned well they came for the free food and free entertainment...I want to go out with a bang, I want a black Southern Baptist preacher and a full choir there to sing my ass home...

Then after that, the after-party begins!

Yes I know, dead people really shouldn't be giving after-partys, but how many funerals would you really want to attend where they didn't serve fantastic food and had great music? Along with the Baptist preacher and the full choir, I want the top 100 countdown of the greatest Motown hits blaring out over the speakers...

Then I want those nameless guys to carry my ass out onto a raised pedestal behind the church in the yard, and a huge plate of food stacked next to me on a folding table...That's when I think my eulogy should be read, I mean, it could be stuck in somewhere between Smokey Robinson and The Temptations right?

Yanno, I've brought myself to tears dozens of times with this masturbatory/fetishistic re-imagining of my final words washing out over the assembled and adoring masses...Sometimes funny, chiding yet touching, my eulogy at all times insightful, peaceful and reassuring to the thousands who have gathered to mark the passing of one of the great unheard voices of a generation...Yeah ok whatever, like I'm even close to being anything like that right!?

But I want to arrive at the church resting peacefully in an old fashion black funeral carriage being pulled along somberly yet majestically by two matching bay colored Hackney ponies, their stately heads held high but regal as their hooves softly tip tap along the road to the chapel...There I will be, held aloft and carried inside by several of my closest male companions, ___ and___and___and___and___ (insert several men's names here that you'd like cause I know damned well none of my guy friends would be caught dead carrying MY stupid ass around anywhere!), to be set down tenderly, lovingly upon the funerary pyre for all the adoring, tear filled eyes to gaze back upon...

My still youthful body will be garbed from head to foot in a black Italian silk suit purchased from____, (insert any stupid ass well known designer name you'd like to here cause I hate wearing suits anyway so why even bother?), as the madding crowd goes suddenly hush in grief stricken silence to await my final words of infinite truth and ultimate wisdom...

At the end of the day, why do we write? We write to remember, we write to be remembered, we write to discover who we are, or determine it for others...Our words will always outlive us, immortalizing us if not always powerful enough to make us immortal...Although if we choose our words well, there will always be a way back to life, a way to and fro through time from this dimension to another...Someone will always feel us like it was yesterday, someone will smell our skin again, or see our smiling faces if we choose our words well enough...

If we choose our words well there need not always be a last....If we choose our words well there will always be a way to find us wherever we go...

In my case I've chosen my friend Dimitri to deliver my final words for two reasons...One, his accent is so thick and heavy that no matter what he says or how somber he looks, people are going to start fucking laughing...It's inevitable! So at least I'll know there'll be some scattered tittering in the crowd before everyone simply can't hold it in any longer and the place erupts in uncontrolled laughter...That, would most definitely make me smile...Of course you won't be able to see it, but I've asked the funeral director if they could make me look as if I'm permanently smiling just for the shock and awe value...And two, only Dimitri would have guts enough to look down at my words and read them out loud without having to think about the affect they'd have...

And so the words....

My ultimate words....

I have chosen these final and ultimate words to be spoken before the after-party begins in earnest.

They shall be...

"Yippee ki aye muthafucker!!"

Ok, so Bruce said them first, so what...!? It'll certainly be one funeral you're never going to forget!

Soul Vacation

2008-10-06T01:36:39Z

Picture courtesy of missfoundation.org

Going to be taking a little 'soul vacation' for a few days to try and wrap my head around some things and get my shit together...I want to thank everyone who sent their well wishes and kind messages to me, because I really appreciated all of them...

I leave you with one of my favorite songs by Train, Drops Of Jupiter...For some reason I have always related to this song and identified with it on a very visceral level...I'm sure many others out there feel the same way...

I won't be gone all that long however, just long enough to "dance along the Milky Way" and take some 'me' time...I'll try to read a few blogs while I'm away and leave a few comments, but don't be offended if I don't say anything at all...It isn't you, it's me...

Take care, be well, and I'll see you all in a little while....

Drops Of Jupiter

by

Train

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall from a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, um
She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's time to grow, hey, hey

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you
even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall from a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself
Na na na na na na...

Do You Know Who I Am?

2008-10-04T19:56:20Z

Photo courtesy of visualartshop.com

Do you see me? Or am I just another body
Hunkered down in a hospital gown with his
Head hidden under white starched sheets
With eyes full of fright and heart pounding...

Do you know my name? Or am I just a number
Written in grease pen on a board in the emergency
Room awaiting his fate? And if you did know my
Name would you even care? Would it even matter?

Did you hear me? Or did you just give me drugs to
Shut me up and knock me out so that no one would
Have to listen to the crazy man in the isolation room
Asking questions that no one had the time to answer...

Do you feel me? Or do your mask, gown and thick
Latex gloves complete the final detachment, make
The chasm between us insurmountable? Your voice
Sounds kind, but your actions border on abject cruelty...

Do you know me? I am a human being, perhaps we
Have more things in common than you realize, but in
Order to know, you would actually have to take down
That detached, professional barrier and make contact...

Do you feel anything? Do you see tears in my eyes
And feel a tightening in your chest? Or is it against
Some unwritten rule that hospital personnel cannot
Hold a hand or offer a cold cloth, or take time to listen?

Do you know who I am? I am your Brother, your Father,
Your cousin, your best friend, your neighbor, I am the
Guy who delivers your water, or cuts your lawn, or takes
Your trash away, I am a human being in pain and terror...

Perhaps the next person you come across with eyes
Wide with fright and tear stained cheeks it will make you
Think back to the man you treated the day before, the man
Who reminded you what it was like to be a human being...

Perhaps you'll remember how frightened he was and how
Just a few kind, gentle words would have eased his mind
And made him feel as if his life actually mattered to you,
Maybe you'll remember his pain, his tears, his pleas...

Maybe you will look down at another terrified human being
And remember that you're a human being as well, and that
The power of life and death lies within your hands, maybe
Then you'll will remember that no one is just a number...

That each person who comes into your emergency room
Is scared, sick, in pain and looking for some sort of relief
Or consolation, a pat on the hand, a smile, an expression
Of concern that 's genuine and doesn't have to be forced...

Maybe you'll know their name before they have to tell you,
And when they reach out a hand for support you'll take it,
And not pull back as if they had broken some cardinal
Rule, maybe you'll think that it could be you in that bed...

And maybe, just maybe, you'll remember who I am,
You'll remember that human beings get frightened,
You'll remember what it feels like to be on the other
Side of that mask, and you'll feel your heart soften...

We don't ask for much, just a bit of human kindness,
A smile, a validation of our pain and fright, a soft
Touch on the arm, anything that makes us feel as
If we actually truly matter to you in some small way...

Do You Know Who I Am?

Reason #82 Why I'm Still Single

2008-10-04T05:05:09Z

Picture courtesy of noveltyradio.com

Ok, normally this wouldn't even have made the pages of my blog, except I thought it might serve as a little wake up call to other guys how NOT to be one!

Getting a shave and a haircut used to be two of the most simplest yet inexpensive pleasures back in the olden days, when there where actually real men called "Barbers" who had real Barber Shops on real street corners in real small, no-name one horse little towns...Life was good back then, and for somewhere around three dollars, you could not only get the best shave of your entire life, (yes, with hot, moist towels, real shaving cream, and a real straight razor too!), you could also get your hair washed and cut...Yes, I said '"washed"...(I don't ever remember my Mother once yelling out the back door, "Nicholas! Get in here, take a bath and 'shampoo' your hair before supper!)...Sorry, I just don't remember it...

Back when I was a kid a simple bar of Ivory soap cleaned just about every part you had except your hair, and for that you used "Prell" to "wash" it with...When this mystical man called The Barber was finished washing and cutting your hair, (I say cutting only because it's now referred to as 'styling' whatever the fuck that is, and now you have to go to a 'salon' to pick out the 'style' you want from a book of Men's Hairstyles so that the 'stylist' can make you look, "Just like that!" *Big toothy grin*), he would then comb some magical liquid through your hair which resembled blue-colored automobile antifreeze fluid and smelled vaguely of spice and cheap rubbing alcohol...

Well today I went to the salon, *rolls eyes* to get my hair cut, (ok ok 'styled' god dammit!) and to my surprise there was a new gal on the trimming assembly line...A very cute gal...You know the type, small boned, delicate features, short skirt, nice legs in actual pantyhose, (yes I know, it's rare these days to actually even "see" a woman's legs in public...I mean I'd heard rumors that women still had legs, but it was really nice to finally have that rumor confirmed for me), and the most beautiful shoulder length auburn hair I think I've ever seen in my entire life...

After the receptionist informed me that "Alicia", (aka auburn hair, short skirt, really cute gal with legs), was indeed the one slated to take care of me, I suddenly had the bright idea to have the "works" done...shave, shampoo, cut and styling...This would give me at least 30 minutes to try and find out whether or not Alicia was married, single, divorced, dating, a lesbian, whatever...and perhaps even score her phone number if she was available...

As I approached her, Alicia looked up, (green eyes, gasp!) smiled vaguely and said...

"Hi. I'm Alicia..." (snap, pop...snap. Why hadn't I noticed that she had gum in her mouth until just now?)

"Hi, I'm Nick." I replied with a wide, toothy grin as she motioned me into the chair and covered me with a big plastic, brightly colored pink sheet.

"Ok." (snap...pop..snap.) "What do you want today, Nick?"

Oh joy! This is the point when I decide to turn on the boyish, Iowa, corn-fed charm, as trying to look suave, cool and macho in a big plastic brightly colored pink sheet just wasn't going to be an option.

"What are you offering, Alicia?" (Slight smile, look shy. Arch an eyebrow.)

Pop...snap. Pop. Nothing...I had seen artificial plants that had exuded more personality than this woman. She motioned towards the back of the room with a nod of her head.

"Come back here and I'll shampoo your hair first."

So I get up and follow her legs, err, ass, uh dammit...her, to a row of sinks in the rear of the shop to settle myself into an empty chair...Then Alicia stuffs a towel into the back of the big plastic brightly colored pink sheet and tightens it with enough force to sever my wind pipe completely in half and stop respiration entirely. She then hits some previously unknown lever with her left foot that I can't really see, and I go flying backwards, my arms and legs shooting straight out as if I had just been hit with 50 million volts of electricity in a chair that had suddenly become an instrument of torture and death.

Pop. Snap. Pop... I look up at her with hopeful eyes as I hear the rush of water, and she starts running long, thin fingers gently along my scalp through my hair.

"You have great hair, Nick."

"Why thank you, Alicia," I smiled, "so do you!"

"Yeah." Snap...pop. Snap. "I know."

She takes the shower hair-washer thingy and starts to wet down my hair, still running her long, thin fingers along my scalp. Now any human being who has ever had their scalp massaged and their hair washed for them can attest to the fact that the experience is almost erotic, but also very very soothing at the same time. I don't mean like give me a blanket I want to go to sleep in a corner while you do this soothing, but it just instantly relaxes you.You exhale slowly and have to close your eyes. You just have to. It's one of the rules.

I was drifting peacefully in the chair, when I suddenly realized the temperature of the water was only slightly hotter then, oh say, the surface of the fucking sun! My eyes flew open and met hers with a rather startled look on my face.

"Uh Alicia..?"

"Yes Nick?" Pop. Snap. Pop.

"I don't mean to be rude, " I said carefully, "but that water seems to be vulcanizing my scalp!"

"Oh. Yeah. Sorry." Snap. Pop. Snap....

She adjusted the blazing fire water down to a somewhat more tolerable temperature, washed my hair twice, conditioned it, then merrily set about trying to rattle my brains around inside my cranium while attempting to dry my hair with a towel, after which she hit the lever again and up I popped like some giant pink, plastic-shrouded jack-in-the-box (again with the flying arms and legs thing), and followed her dutifully back to her station. As she began running a comb through my hair, apparently studying it's texture, I tried to come up with something witty and sharp to start a conversation with. I mean, time was running out, I'd already missed the opportunity at the sink, I had to act fast or the whole thing would just end in dismal failure.

I looked at her in the mirror and said,

"So Alicia, what do you do for a living..?" Ok lame, but I was desperate at this point.

She looked back at me with her stunning green eyes, blinked once and replied,

"I cut hair."

"Oh right." I said. "Of course you do!" *Big toothy grin*

Pop. Snap...pop. There was no pitch or tone in her voice whatsoever when she asked,

"What do you do for a living, Nick?"

Comb, fluff, examine. Pop.

"I'm a veterinarian actually." This should have been sufficient enough to spark some kind of reaction. I mean everybody loves animals right? So I expected a smile, an interested look...something. But...nooooo. Nothing. Just, snap. Pop. Snap.

She picked up a pair of scissors from the counter and started combing, separating and fluffing my hair. With a completely blank expression on her face she asked,

"So you don't eat meat, right?"

Huh? What? Uh...Wait.

"No, I eat meat." I replied, almost as confused now as she was. And this was what was going to constitute the bulk of our conversation? Jesus wept.

"I thought you just said you were a vegetarian, Nick. Vegetarians don't eat meat right?"

I tried to work up some semblance of an understanding looking expression and replied,

"No, Alicia. I said I was a 'veterinarian'. Not a 'vegetarian'. Vegetarians don't eat meat. Although some veterinarians probably are vegetarians," I said with a burst of sudden witty sarcasm, "I'm not a vegetarian. I eat meat. So technically that would make me a non-vegetarian veterinarian!" *Big toothy grin*

Pop. Snap. Pop. Blank stare. Comb, separate, fluff. Blank stare.

"Oh." she said." How do you want it styled?"

I suddenly realized, that by being a typically shallow, sex-only, testosterone driven male earlier, chauvinistically attracted only by good her looks and great legs, was now going to present a major stumbling block for any sort of rational intelligent communication between us.

"Just take an inch or two off the top please, trim it up over my ears and around the back. Thank you."

Pop...snap...pop.

"Ok. So you just want it cut."

"Uh, yeah. Just cut it."

"But not styled." Snap. Pop. Snap.

"What's the difference...?"

She stared at my reflection in the mirror as if I were some kind of green, eight-eyed, two-headed alien creature who had suddenly just beamed down into her chair from the Mothership. I heard her sigh. You know the sound, like someone who thinks you should know what they're talking about when really you don't, but they think you're a jackass for not knowing something they think you actually should know? Yeah, that kind of a sigh.

Pause. Snap...pop...snap...Pause. She pulled a book of men's hairstyles out of a drawer at her station and handed it to me. I know it sounds stupid, but this was the first time in my adult life when anyone had ever not just 'cut' my hair without forcing me to choose a 'style' from a book of male models I didn't want to resemble in the least. I closed the book and handed it back to her. Then it was my turn to sigh. I was crestfallen. This is what I got for being attracted to a woman's body first without stopping to see if she actually had enough grey matter to carry on a decent conversation. I was a male, chauvinist pig.

"Can't you just cut it, Alicia?"

Pause. Pop. Snap. Pop. Blink.

Her one word response was so brilliant that it nearly took my breath away.

"Cut."

"Yeah," I said evenly, "cut it."

Snap...pop...snap. Blink. Blank stare. Pause. Fluff. Sigh. Blank stare. Blink.

"Just cut." Pop...snap. "No style."

"Just a simple cut will do nicely, Alicia.Thank you."

"Ok..."

Snap. Pop. Snap.

Reason number eighty-two, why I'm still single...

Would You Care To Light A Candle?

2008-10-02T10:31:58Z

Picture courtesy of cozyhearth.com

This is a slight departure from the blogs I've usually been writing, especially the dark, almost, creepy sort of tripe I've been trying to pass off as poetry...But if you'll all bear with me and finish reading this post, I would sure appreciate it, because your support would mean the world to me...

A very close and dear friend of mine has been facing some rather tough times lately health-wise, and has gone to a whole plethora of doctors without getting any concrete answers...Tomorrow she faces a CAT scan and an MRI, all on the same day...

This is over and above the other battery of tests she's already had to endure with no clear cut diagnosis or recognizable outcome...I have put a link to a web site below where you can go and light a candle in her name and even say a few words of encouragement and prayer if you so choose...

The website is free, and the lighting of the candle is also free...So are any words or thoughts you may feel like jotting down or adding...It's not a spam site or anything dangerous that might harm or infect your computer, you have my word on that...Here is the link to the thread I started for 'Sparky', so if you feel like putting a little extra love and encouragement out to her, please feel free...

http://www.dotsphinx.com/lightacandle/public/add/?thread=18054

It would certainly brighten her day and make her feel a bit better knowing she has a great group of strong people behind her, even if it's only in spirit...The only drawback is that you have to give your email address out on the form you fill out in order to light the candle in her name...I realize some of you may not feel entirely comfortable with this, and I can completely understand...But if you do choose to light a candle in her name and add a prayer, you would have my undying gratitude and eternal thanks...

Thanking you all in advance,

Nick

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sparky

by

Nick Carlton

I saw it in your eyes the first time I looked at you, that spark, that flicker,
That special 'something' that shone from within you and lit me up like
The 4th of July, it felt as if someone had just started a fire in my soul,
So I hung the nickname 'Sparky' on you and it stuck, little did I know
Back then how prophetic that moniker would actually become...

We had our ups and downs our in's and outs but love never died,
And I still light up when I see your name on anything connected to me,
You gave far more than was ever asked for, and took what little I offered
With love and affection, never stopping to complain or gripe about how
One sided it always appeared to be or how cheated you always felt...

People change, it's true and it's inevitable, but sometimes a once in
A lifetime connection happens that cannot be unbroken regardless of
How much time passes or how much distance lies between, we
Are kindred souls Sparky, two people cut from the same mold, the same
Bolt of cloth, with love the unbreakable thread binding us together...

Your grace and beauty defy all logic, your calm, peaceful serenity can
Tame even the most savage of hearts, such is the affect your gentle
Nature has on everyone and everything around you, you are like a rare,
Precious jewell found lying amidst a pile of rubble, just waiting for some-
One with a keen eye to pluck you out of the heap and polish you off...

That is my Sparky, the soul that refuses to dim or go dark no matter
What sort of indignation or burden has been heaped upon your
Slender shoulders, but today, I celebrate you, it's your time to reach
Out and gather my strength, tap into it and use whatever you need
To keep you strong, your back straight, and a spring in your step...

I won't sit idly back and watch your flame flicker out, it's much too
Beautiful and awe-inspiring to allow that, instead, I will stand at
The ready with two dozen boxes of matches in my hands, making
Sure your flame continues to burn as brightly as ever, I know you're
Scared, and the damnable distance between us causes us grief...

But if just one heart, one mind, one soul reaches out to you and
Offers strength, then take it, there is no greater shame on Earth than
Watching a beautiful soul like yours whither away into nothingness,
And whenever you need me, reach out, I will always carry the matches,
And I will always be there whenever you feel the walls closing in on you...

If nothing else, I am dependable and loyal, and my love for you has
Never wavered or dimmed nor lessened over the years Sparky, in
Spite of everything, I am always at your side, just at the corners of
Your vision, a pesky sprite seldom seen, yet always and forever
Present, this is the strength I give to you, take whatever you may need...

And people do care my love, people you don't even know care in ways
You couldn't even begin to imagine, and with our combined strength,
I'm 1,000% positive that things will work themselves out and you'll be
Just fine, I can feel it deep in my soul, right next to where your heart
Resides in me, and I will protect it with my very life if need be...

So reach out and take my hand, the road is long and at times even
Treacherous, but between the two of us there isn't any obstacle we
Can't climb over, nor any obstruction we can't find our way around,
This time you're going to have to trust me, trust in that connection
As you have never trusted before, and we will see this thing through...

The tender spark that lights your flame can never and will never be
Extinguished, not as long as I draw a breath or walk on this Earth,
Whatever strength I have to offer is yours without question, you may
Use it until your own strength returns in full force, but just remember,
The sovereign flame that burns within you, will burn forever unimpeded...

How I Almost Squished A VW Bug

2008-10-02T02:17:53Z

Picture courtesy of allvehicles.com

They say everything happens for a reason, but today as I sit here writing this, I'm still pondering the reason for what happened to me yesterday on my way home from the hospital...I certainly can't see any reasonable explanation for what happened, except that the guy upstairs must have an incredibly bizarre sense of humor when it comes to dealing with me...

Exterior shot Late afternoon, early evening, a city street in anywhere USA. Man is driving home from having just spent 7 long hours getting two units of whole blood and two units of platelets dripped into his radial artery. Man is tired but feels much better than he has in weeks. Man is alert, man is a very good driver, and since it is basically rush hour traffic, man is even more alert than normal.

Have any of you ever seen that car insurance commercial where a young couple is driving, randomly laughing and having a normal time of it, and then BAM! Their car is suddenly t-boned by another motorist who wasn't paying attention to the road? It kind of jangles your nerves, because the first two or three times you see it, you really don't expect to hear tires screaming, metal crunching or glass breaking...

Well, I experienced just that very thing yesterday, only on a much smaller scale...Sort of like a kinder, gentler accident if you know what I mean...But it wasn't my fault, and there were several witnesses who pulled over to offer their information, (Including an off duty California Highway Patrol Officer), and thankfully no one involved was even slightly injured...

Looking back on it now, I start to chuckle then catch myself...

Car accidents, even minor fender benders are NOT supposed to be funny, but, as is normal my way, I will manage to pry some sort of humor out of the situation one way or another...

There is a very long, wide, and winding, four lane road called 'Fletcher Parkway' that leads almost from my front door in El Cajon directly to the hospital and beyond...Several dozen smaller streets feed onto The Parkway, as it is known locally, from various spots along the way from it's starting point in Lakeside almost all the way into San Diego...In fact, The Parkway itself terminates in a freeway...All in all I believe it's about twenty or so miles long from one end to the other...

The speed limit along The Parkway varies depending on where you are on it..Say for instance if you're coming up out of El Cajon or going down into El Cajon, the speed limit is 50 mph...That's because on that particular stretch there are no major feeder streets, very few buildings, and no school zones...But the typical median speed limit is 45 mph...And there are a whole shitload of traffic lights, stops signs and yields along the way, so you have to be alert and aware pretty much any time you're on The Parkway...

So here I was, windows rolled up tight against the ridiculously high outside temperature of 103 degrees Fahrenheit, air-conditioning blowing back my hair like an arctic blizzard, Raybans snugged down over my eyes and the radio turned up just loud enough to be heard over the quiet, reassuring hum of the engine...Traffic was moving along rather nicely, considering it was rush hour and all, and other motorists seemed to be smiling at one another instead of doing the usual sneering, finger-flipping, and mouthing of vulgarities they usually do on their drives home from wherever...For once, people were actually being 'polite' and 'thoughtful' behind the wheels of their automobiles instead of the cut throat, murderous subversive maniacs they normally are...So I must admit, I got caught up in the whole calm sort of traffic 'zen' thing that was taking place all around me...I sighed and relaxed back in my seat at the traffic light at the top of The Parkway just before it starts down into the valley...

Just to my right sits a large and rather snooty shopping center which contains a Denny's, an ever present Starbucks, a Jack-In-The-Box, a Marshall's clothing store, a Michael's crafts store, a Von's Supermarket and several dozen other little unremarkable yet seemingly necessary Southern California retail shops...I had just treated myself to a nice fat Denny's cheeseburger and was waiting for the light to change when it happened...

97-98% of all Southern California natives are criminally insane...No seriously, I mean it...I believe it's actually a pre-requisite to live here...Not only are they insane when you meet them face to face, but they're even more insane behind the wheels of their jacked up, custom painted Hummers, Rams, Jeeps, SUVs, mini-trucks, tanks or whatever vehicles they happen to own...In fact, the one driver who zooms through a red light without getting clipped by oncoming traffic gets a loud round of applause and is automatically considered a hero in the eyes of the other motorists who didn't have the guts to run the light and opted to come to a stop instead...There' s also another strange phenomena out here known as 'road sign aversion', or 'that sign applies to everybody else on the road except me'...I was about to experience this road sign aversion in a very big way as the light changed from red to green and my foot slipped over to the gas pedal...

Now in most states I've driven in, whenever you come to a 'merge' lane, there is the customary 'yield' sign at the end of it...This means you either slow down or come to a stop if you can't merge safely into the flow of traffic...Strangely enough however, here in Southern California this sign actually means if you can zip into traffic, cut somebody off and avoid a collision all at the same time, then you're to be admired for your driving prowess...Anyway, the red light turned green, I hit the gas, and suddenly this little silver Volkswagen Beetle comes racing across three lanes of traffic from the 'merge' lane and skips right in front of me as if I weren't even there...The only thing I could do was to stand on the brakes and jerk the wheel to the left to avoid t-boning the little bug...As it was, my front bumper grated along it's back bumper and pushed it about thirty feet farther down The Parkway...Had I not been more vigilant, it would have ended up as a nice silver hood ornament for my BMW...

I saw the wide, startled eyes of the driver as she looked back at me in the rear view mirror, and I pointed a furious index finger at the entrance to the shopping mall...She understood my meaning, and immediately pulled into the Denny's parking lot and cut her engine...Unbeknownced to me however, a line of sfour other cars also followed us into the Denny's parking lot, so by the time I climbed out to confront the bug's driver, there was a small crowd of about 6 people gathered behind me...

As soon as the woman stepped out of the Beetle my rage melted away...She couldn't have been more than about 17, (sixteen I would later find out), with tears streaming down her face, shaking like a leaf, and being supported by her equally as shaken and equally as young teenage female passenger...The only thing I could think to ask was, "What, were you thinking!?" and even that was said in a low, even tone of voice...At the same time, some guy had stepped out of the crowd, taken hold of my left arm, and was asking me if I were ok...(This man later turned out to be the off duty CHP officer)...The young girl just burst into a fit of full on hysterics and fell to her knees, literally...I mean gals seriously, if you hit some guy or cause some guy to hit you? Get out of the car crying then fall to your knees in hysterics if you don't want him to yell or scream at you...

I guarantee the tactic will work every single time...

While I left the sobbing, snot-ridden teenager to cry onto the shoulder of her companion, I went around to the front of my car to assess the damage...Luckily my grossly over sized big black rubber bumper had taken the brunt of the collision and was only slightly scuffed...There was no body or paint damage, not even a ding or a scratch...I was relieved...The back end of her VW Beetle however, didn't fair quite so well...One tail light was smashed to smithereens, the right side of the almost non-existent metal bumper looked like it was giving me a lop-sided smile, and the engine cover was mashed in...

That's when I realized that the annoying guy who kept following me around and asking me a never-ending stream of questions was an off duty cop...He flashed a badge at me, then took out a small spiral notepad from his breast pocket...(I suppose that's another standard issue thing for cops here in SoCal. They are required to carry the same small little spiral notepad around with them 24/7, just like they're required to always carry their weapon)...After I had shown him all the necessary paperwork, i.e., insurance card, driver's license, registration, medical records and dental x-rays, (just kidding about the last two), he then turned to the devastated teenager and her passenger...

Just as he was within a foot or so of her, she jumped up, side-stepped him and ran at me like a line-backer for the Chicago Bears...Startled, I just stood there as she collided with me, wrapped both arms around my waist, and proceeded to beg for her life in between bouts of incessant crying and sobbing...As gently as I could, I managed to pry her loose from me and hold her back at arm's length...She looked up at me with big watery brown eyes surrounded by runny mascara and said...

"I don't know what happened I didn't even see you when I merged into that lane I swear to God I didn't see you oh Mister please don't beat me up or call the cops on me or anything cause I have insurance I swear I do and my car is all legal and everything so don't get mad cause my Mom and Dad will pay for any damage to your car and I'm really really really really sorry I didn't see you and I made you hit my car but I just got my driver's license like two days ago and I'm not really familiar with the area so like I wanted to go to Starbucks but I went past the entrance yanno? And so like I thought I could just cut across and zip into the driveway but I didn't see you in the mirror you must have been in my blind spot cause I didn't see you at all I swear to God I didn't! So like I'm really really really really sorry ok? And what do ya need from me my insurance card or my name or what? Should I like call my Mom cause like my Dad is gonna scream at me but you're so nice you didn't even scream at me so like what do you need an address, a phone number, my name, my Mom's name, where my Dad works? Gee you're really being so nice Mister cause you're not even acting like you're mad at me or anything you must be a really really really really nice guy so what do ya need me to show you first or should I call my Mom and have her come down here cause I can do that if you need me to besides she's gonna wanna talk to you about why I didn't see you in my mirror and is the front of your car crashed up or anything...!?"

Mind you all this was said without even one small break or intake of breath...

Ever see the look Bugs Bunny gives the camera when somebody just keeps prattling on without even stopping to take in a breath? One eyebrow raised and the tip of one ear flopped over slightly? Ok, yeah, well that's how I looked over at the cop, who was obviously just as stunned by her apparently huge lung capacity as I was...All he could manage to ask her was,

"Do you have an up to date insurance card and a valid California driver's license young lady?"

That was about the same time that she glanced over at the coban bandage on my right hand as it rested on her shoulder, and at the huge line purple bruises running up and down my right arm...That's when her eyes, which were already the size of cake plates widened to the size of two turkey platters...

"Oh my God Mister are you hurt!? Did I do that!? Oh God are you ok!? Do you need an ambulance!? What happened!? I didn't think you hit me that hard!"

I shook her once, very gently mind you, just to get her attention...

"No," I said, "you didn't do this. I have leukemia, and I just came from getting two units of platelets and two units of whole blood at the hospital..."

She opened her mouth wide, and proceeded to scream...

It was the most high-pitched, ear shattering, nerve jangling, never-ending shriek I have ever heard come out of any human being in my entire life...She stiffened up as if she had just developed a bad case of rigor mortis, and kept right on screaming no matter what I said or how hard I tried to get her to listen to me...Finally I let go of her shoulders, put two fingers into my mouth and gave a loud, shrill whistle that made all eyes turn in my direction and made her snap her mouth shut like a stunned mullet...

Her companion ran up to her again and put a supporting arm around her shoulders, because frankly I think if she hadn't, the only person going anywhere in an ambulance was going to be this poor little shocked out of her mind teenager...

As calmly as I could I asked her,

"Do you have a cell phone?"
Yes, she nodded slightly.
"Good." I said gently, "why don't you get on it and call your Mom. We'll exchange all the necessary information while we wait for her to get here, ok?"
"O-kay..." she sniffed.
I pulled off my sunglasses and propped them on the top of my head while ten of us, including me, the two girls, the cop and the 'witnesses' all stood around merrily broiling in the hot blazing sun like chicken wings on a bbq grill...

Long story short, she had all the correct papers, her Mom finally arrived and was extremely pleased that I hadn't beaten her daughter senseless, the cop handled all of the exchange of paperwork including statements from the 'witnesses', and little by little the 'group' eventually dwindled down to me, the two teenagers and the Mom...She too inquired about the bandage and the bruises, and was a bit shocked at my reply...But I quickly reassured her I was just fine...There was no damage to my car, so there was no reason to report anything to the DMV and have them jack up her insurance premium to $12,00000 a month on her daughter's car just because of a minor fender bender...

Mom was so grateful she offered to buy me dinner at Denny's...I thanked her but politely declined, explaining that I was just coming from Denny's when her daughter cut in front of me...Then she offered to buy me a coffee at Starbucks...Again I declined...I like a cup of Starbucks coffee only moderately more than I enjoy getting a root canal, so that was out of the question too...I told Mom that I had a friend who could just buff out the scuff marks on my bumper, apply some Armor-All and it would be as good as new...Then Mom sighed and absently asked how she was ever going to get the insurance company to pay for the repair on her daughters VW...I suggested that she call the insurance company, tell them when her daughter came out of Starbucks the damage had already been done, and that whomever had hit her left no note, no address and no information on the car...

I explained that it was called a 'no-fault' accident, and that the insurance company would gladly fix it and her rates wouldn't go through the roof, in fact, on a no-fault accident, the rates don't change at all...That's when Mom hugged me, told me that I was a very sweet guy, and that if her daughter had to have her first accident, she was glad it was me who hit her and not some jerk-off bruiser who would have scared her poor sixteen year old to death and mentally scarred her for the rest of her natural life...

Another round of spontaneous hugging ensued and everybody climbed back into their vehicles to head home...As I drove down The Parkway into El Cajon, I had to burst out laughing at the whole situation...In reality, it had been a good thing it was me that hit the VW and not some crazed, insane, sue-happy SoCal native...I also laughed at myself for having been cowed into submission by a hysterical sixteen year old girl with runny mascara and the scream of a banshee...Then I smiled at the look on Mom's face when she realized that yes indeed, I was a nice guy and her daughter's life was never in any danger...

By the time I pulled into my driveway and gave my front bumper another once over just to make sure, I was satisfied and happy...No one had gotten hurt, there was no major damage to my car, and three women ended up having a 'nice' experience as a result of a small traffic accident instead of it ending up like an episode from WWF Raw...

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I almost squished a VW bug...

I'm still trying to figure out what I was supposed to learn from the experience...When I figure it all out, I'll be sure to let you all know...

Alone

2008-09-29T00:12:38Z

Photo courtesy of i.pbase.com

"The world is full of lonely people, all isolated in a private, secret dungeon..."

Loretta Girzartis
Alone

by

Nick Carlton

I am a man alone within the vastness of life...
A solitary figure standing on the edge of forever
Holding a lantern of hope up to ward off the darkness
As it gathers itself within in my mind...

A cold and icy wind sears my face like daggers...
Tears fill my eyes, blinding me to reality...
I do not want to miss the signal should one be sent...
Yet I have been waiting here for an eternity...

Tis a cruel fate this loneliness which I must
Bare with dissatisfaction and regretfulness...
Without benefit of even temporary amelioration
To help ease the misfortune of my own misery...

The lantern flame flickers and hope springs
Into my heart, hope that tonight at least
I will not be alone to face the darkness
Like a wounded creature seeking solace...

The grief of my isolation is almost too much
To bare and yet I scan the dark horizon for
Another lantern hoping some other soul waits
In silent reverie to answer my melancholic plea...

I rage against the encroaching desolation as if
Somehow I can ward off this growing affliction...
But my soul languishes in an enigmatic prison
Of my own design behind a facade of happy faces...

Destitute and devoid of reasonable expectation
I stand and face the night like a statue made of
Stone, forced into rigid imploration not
Wanting my abject desire to go unnoticed...

But loneliness has become like a companion...
A familiar of sorts I keep for the sake of
Company even though it bleeds me dry and
Strips me bare of any gratification...

Yet dreams are my only true companions for in
Them I have loved ones who care and show concern
Whenever I have dropped into this abysmal pit of
Despair and disheartenment called loneliness...

The lantern flame flickers and for an instant
I feel hope and then realize it was just the
Cold wind of desolation and confinement that I
Have carefully built around this heart of mine...

I am a man alone within the vastness of life...
A solitary figure standing on the edge of forever...

The Joy Of Flying

2008-09-26T20:48:03Z

Having a private pilots license can be a really fun thing...I know, I have one...But it takes a lot of hard work, determination, dedication and rigorous training to achieve the skill to just fly solo, let alone qualifying to carry live passengers...(This was one part of my FAA test that threw me off. I mean, am I only qualified to carry dead people at this point?) The only problem is, once you've achieved the necessary skills to carry passengers, that's where the REAL fun really starts...You see it's always the same, at least for me...Once I've finally agreed (always begrudgingly of course!) to fly someone somewhere, and I've finally gotten everyone on board with all of their varied and sundry accoutrements, I'm blithely taxing down the runway waiting for take off, when suddenly everybody on BOARD my aircraft decides that he/she is the PILOT and knows how to fly the plane better than I do...

Everybody has seen the movie Top Gun right? Well, ya see, those were military F-14 Tomcats, (which, by the way the United States Navy no longer uses, they've been replaced by the F-18 Hornet), and NOT a single propeller driven Cherokee...So NO, we can't go Mach 2 and make those cool condensation envelopes come off the wings "just like in the movie", our maximum speed will be about 135 knots, or roughly 150 miles per hour, and NO, we can't shoot anything at commercial airliners that cross our paths just 'for the fun of it' because missiles usually always HIT their targets...That may "look" cool when you're watching a jet pilot engaging a real enemy in a dogfight on tv or on a movie screen, but commercial airliners rarely if ever carry AMRAIM-120 or Sidewinder missiles, let alone countermeasures like flares or chaff...And strangely enough, those pilots do NOT find it at all amusing if we try and "sneak" up on them in their "blind spot" just to see their reaction...

And NO, poodles are NOT considered carry on luggage!...And NO, you can't take skydiving lessons right now...And NO, if the engine falls off, we can't just use the "other" one, because there ISN'T another one ok!?...But if we just happen to lose power, we do have an extensive array of procedures to follow on the checklist before we become a lawn dart...So just for your flying pleasure, here are a few things you may want to remember so you'll keep your big fat mouth shut, stop distracting me and let ME fly the damned plane myself....For starters, if we take a small bird strike, oh say from a hawk or an eagle or something of that nature, it can bring this flight to an abrupt end...As in, "Yes, if we hit a bird, we're all gonna fuckin crash and burn...!"

And another thing, there's nothing more useless in aviation, than airspace above you, runway behind you, and fuel that you left back at the airport...So you might just wanna think about that as our tires begin to leave the runway....It's gonna be really easy to find us at the point of impact, also known technically as the "crash sight"...You know, that big, smoking black hole in the ground that's readily visible for miles and miles to any rescue personnel?...And because general aviation has the same level of annual fatalities as motorcycles, you might as well relax and enjoy the ride down cause you won't have to worry about having to endure any lengthy hospital stays...I like to say it's not really flying at that point, it's crashing with style...Don't get me wrong, there is an "art" to flying really, the knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss...If we don't miss, THAT'S crashing...

And another thing, if the nut connecting the elevator to the control rod suddenly comes loose? The next thing we're all gonna see is the face of Jesus Christ!....Yes, that's ONE tiny nut holding the whole thing together...Oh, and the life insurance policy you have? Does NOT cover crashing in ANY type of aircraft...so no, I will NOT let you out so you can go back to the terminal to purchase any either...I'm kinda funny that way once I've achieved cruising altitude...And if the weather suddenly turns bad and visibility drops to zero? Well, let me say this about that, instrument flying is an unnatural act probably punishable by God...

Starting to get the drift now?

Don't even THINK about arguing with me either, because arguing with a pilot is like wrestling with a pig in the mud, after a while you begin to think the pig likes it...See even if you do try and argue with me I'll just start quoting dialog from the movie Airplane anyway just to annoy and frighten you even more than you already are, so don't even think about going there...So in closing, if you ask me to fly you somewhere and I agree, remember this, I'M the guy in charge!

Any questions...? I didn't think so...

A Journey Of Pain

2008-09-26T12:39:24Z

Picture courtesy of assets.disaboom.com

"You purchase pain with all that joy can give, And die of nothing but a rage to live."

Alexander Pope

Pain, silently stalking your psyche like a skillful carnivore...
It lays about in daylight hours when your mind is occupied,
Too busy to see the danger lurking in the shadows, yet
Skillful enough, patient enough to bide its time and wait...

Pain, the sudden crippler, a smile becomes a frown,
Faces fill with worry, questions are asked, concern
Flows around you like a spiders web and you try to
Brush it away, only it is here now and undeniable...

Perhaps if you smiled more, threw in a laugh or two
You might fool enough people to make them stop
Asking embarrassing questions you do not at all
Feel like answering nor trying to explain at length...

You find a quiet corner, try and walk there with your back
Ramrod straight and no hint of limp in your stride, isolating
Yourself as far as you can from everyone so that you seem
To blend into the scenery and try to organize your thoughts...

Then the second wave hits you, worse than before and
Unexpected, eyes squeeze shut, lips thin, you sip at the
Drink you have no intention of consuming, hoping no one
Will see you hiding amongst the heavy backyard foliage...

You can handle this, you tell yourself, you can do it,
No need to alarm anyone else nor bring the party to
An end, it will pass, you repeat this to yourself like a
Mantra, as if somehow this might help the situation...

A bead of sweat rolls down the side of your face but you
Brush it away quickly, so quickly it might have looked as
Though you were swatting at an insect, but the pain is not
Fooled, it is gathering for yet another impromptu siege...

Someone passes by and you smile, tipping your glass
As if you hadn't a care in the world, but they stop, concern
Furrowing their brows, 'are you ok?' 'Fine,' you say, 'never
Better!' Hoping your much too lucent smile does not slip...

The curiosity seeker moves on and you take in a deep
Breath, you know what is coming and there is nothing
You can do to stop it, this demon called pain has you
Firmly in it's grasp with no intention of letting you go...

You feel betrayed, you look around to see if you can spot
The culprit, the fiend who snuck below into the dark, fetid
Dungeon and loosed pain from it's shackles to skulk about
And torment you at will with no regard for human dignity...

No one here of course, it's just your minds attempt to sort
Things out as another wave crashes down upon your back,
Luckily for you a well placed bench provides some modicum
Of reprieve and you sit down in a proper gentlemanly fashion...

Yet someone knows, someone can see, he approaches you
As one might approach a wounded bird, voice spoken with
Concern, the inevitable question is asked, but you shake your
Head emphatically, 'No,' you say, I'll be just fine, really...I will!'

You top that off with a familiar grin that you have used a million
Times to fool the masses, but this time, in this place, he is not
Not buying any bullshit you are selling, his eyes meet yours and
You feel your resolve slip just a notch, he has you dead to rights...

Suddenly you feel tired and despairing, your carefully orchestrated
Charade has failed to come off as planned, your head drops and
An arm slides round your shoulders, your journey of pain is over
For a while and you can finally, blessedly breathe deep again...

You knew you should have delayed or turned down this journey,
But you are sick to death and tired of having to say no, of making
Lame excuses to friends who ask you why you have become a
Recluse, of watching life go by and knowing you can never catch it...

Tonight pain has come out victorious, prancing round the
Yard with peacock feathers in it's matted slimy fur and it's
Yellow eyes awash with glee, 'I warned you,' it chortles, 'but
You never ever listen, one day you'll see the error of your ways.'

You chuck a stone in it's direction but it sidesteps with
Amazing dexterity, growling an annoyed reply, 'You will
Never be shed of me,' it says, 'I am the one companion
You need not be in fear of losing. I am the faithful sort.'

With pounding head and aching back, you bid your hosts
Goodnight and head home in quiet yet excruciating pain,
As promised it sits beside you licking foulness from it's
Jaws and promising an even darker journey before dawn...

It does not disappoint, it never does, pain always keeps
It's promises and more, tonight the beast has won, but
There are other journeys in the offing that you will under-
Take regardless of how herculean they appear to be...

You have survived yet another journey of pain and lived
To tell the tale, perhaps tomorrow will see it banished
All together for a time, instead of silently stalking your psyche
Like a skillful carnivore, waiting for the darkness to fall...

My Knight Awaits

2008-09-23T18:00:17Z

Picture courtesy of Liv Elin Eriksen deviantart

Today I face a battle against a foe I cannot see nor hear and yet, as I stand alone on the parapet that looks out across the pre-dawn land, instinctively I know my knight is there...

I may not see him in the cold, thick mist, nor hear the sound of hoof beats thundering from his black charger, but he is there, waiting, watching, ready for anything if need be...

Tis courage that I need, and courage that he offers, tis strength that I might seek, then it is his strength I can tap into should dark rainclouds gather overhead...

My knight is out there, hidden and yet watching quietly from just beyond the trees in the shadow of the falls, waiting until the time comes when I reach out, call to him in my happiness or my pain...

I can feel the warmth of his hand slip into mine, and suddenly he is here, right beside me, draping his heavy blue velvet cloak round my bare shoulders, gathering me into his arms...

From out of nowhere he has found me, crushing me tightly to his chest to ward off whatever demons plague my mind, whatever the outcome, he is here beside me to keep me safe and sound...

Many tears have I shared with him, many secrets great and small, yet never once has he beleaguered me
nor mocked my thoughts and emotions as nonsensical absurdities...

We keep each others secrets well, and I know my heart is in his hands and his in mine, he tilts my face up to his to kiss me tenderly, a kiss that says a multitude of things, speaks silent words for which no words are needed...

Our lips part and his eyes meet mine, green like the forest below, penetrating, looking deep within my mind and soul, capturing the very essence of me, knowing instinctively what I need most...

'I will wait an eternity, Milady.' is what he says, before another impassioned kiss is emblazoned on my lips, 'Though not with you in form today, tis my heart, mind, body and soul that I send with you...'

'Tis the courage of eternity which gives you strength. Tis the wisdom of the ages that will guide you, and tis my undying love that shall surround you no matter what the day may bring.'

And then quickly, silently, he is gone, back into the mist, back to wait in the shadow by the falls, I hear hoof beats echo in the distance, though I know I face this day with trepidation his love and courage I will carry in my hands...

It is as if we can see one another through the mist of two worlds, two dimensions, standing here on the parapet I see him as clearly as ever, and he can hear my words carry on the winds...

He will await as promised, for his heart is pure and true, and when my battle is over he will be waiting here with a warm smile, a sweet kiss and soft, understanding eyes to comfort me...

He will not banter foolishly nor act as if my emotions were but second best, he may not even speak at all, but instead be content just hold me in his arms and stroke his fingers through my hair...

But for now he waits, hidden in the shadows, yet senses keen and wary, he will keep the hounds of hell at bay today and watch for dragons too, my castle will be kept safe until my return...

My knight awaits, I can feel his strength surround me like an invisible suit of armor, impenetrable, safe and secure, and yet filled with a warm muskiness that is his scent alone, it makes me smile...

I tuck his love and courage into a pocket closest to my heart, but as I turn to leave the parapet I hesitate, taking out a pressed flower from the book I carry and let it drift away into the whispery air...

Somewhere down in the valley below, he will look up unexpectedly and catch the delicate gift between his fingers as it floats down to him carried on the morning mist, and he will know...

Without words, he will know my thoughts and I will know his, this small gesture will mean everything to him, and memories long forgotten will lap upon the warm shores of his mind...

He will smile and look around, struggling to catch a glimpse of me through the forest canopy, but I will be gone, so he will tuck the gift into a pocket closest to his heart as if it were a piece of gold...

And the memories that we both shared so long ago will once again bind us and keep us close, safe from harm, like a thick length of rope between his heart and mine...

As my knight awaits...

Looking Back, Looking Forward

2008-09-22T23:19:07Z

Picture courtesy of amazon.com

The last few days have been extremely hard on me, so I apologize for not posting on a daily basis like I usually do, but trust me, I've been busy trying to survive...Some times you wonder why things happen, and what they mean, but if you spend your entire life trying to figure things out, you're never going to be happy or satisfied...I guess over the past few weeks I stopped wondering and asking questions, I figured what will be, will be, and what won't? Won't...Pretty simple strategy when you think about it, but it's helped me to get through some of the things I've been going through, which haven't been at all pleasant...

No one is responsible for my condition, and because I've always thought each and every one of us is responsible for our own happiness/sadness, I think my own sadness and anger have been my own fault...This is a physical problem which is long standing, so it's very difficult to just ignore it...Sometimes I really wish I could, but I can't...This problem won't go away on it's own unfortunately...It's the kind of problem that only I can manage and take care of...Things haven't been easy for me to deal with, but with a lot of support from friends, somehow I've managed to muddle through the worst it...

Music has played a major role in keeping my mental outlook positive, as it always has, and it's a safe, protected place to escape to when pain and depression begin to close in on me...So to sorta bring you readers up to date, I'm going to re-post an old entry I did on another site, this way no one feels left out or scratching their heads in confusion...Some of you will be able to relate, some won't...But if this makes even one person take a second look at someone they know who might be battling this type of an illness, than I feel it was worth re-posting it...

****************************************************

A Lesson In Coping

by

Nick Carlton

Coping with bad news...everybody has their own way of doing it...some people cry, some people get angry...others vehemently deny while some sit in abject dumbfounded shock, still though, there are those who somehow manage to gather strength and courage from places they never knew they had it, and stand strong even in the face of terrible adversity...

People all react differently...no two people ever react the same way in any given situation, and you can't fault one person's unexpected negative reaction while applauding another for behaving the way you think they should...It simply doesn't work that way...I know, because I've been there...And in my case flat out denial worked fine for the longest time...but it doesn't work forever...eventually you're going to have to face down those demons no matter what...It's inevitable...

In my case, that demon was cancer...

I used to think at one time that I was tough, that nothing could touch me in my carefully constructed and fastidiously maintained little world, and although I knew about the disease, never for a moment did I ever stop to consider that it might actually happen to me...When it did, however, my entire world fell completely apart...I can still remember, even after all these years, how that news hit me, how deeply it affected the lives of my friends and family...how each one reacted...how each one coped, or didn't cope, and how drastically changed their world and mine would forever be...

The horrifying news was handed to me on a bright, sunny, cloudless day almost ten years ago, when a routine trip to the doctor turned out to be more like the opening scenes of some bad B grade horror movie than the normal life I was accustomed to...I sat there on the examining table, mouth agape and eyes wide with shock, while my trusted family physician delivered me a death sentence...I could see his lips moving as he tried his best to explain things, but I stopped hearing anything once he had uttered that dreadful word...Cancer, or more correctly, leukemia...

Suddenly my mind seemed to disconnect, a reaction I've since come to realize, was normal, but back then it felt as if someone had suddenly punched me in the gut...all the air went out of my lungs, and the room began to spin...Had he just said what I thought he had? Surely he'd made some kind of mistake! I couldn't possibly have cancer! That was ludicrous! He had to be talking about someone else...

Unfortunetly, he wasn't...

So he was quite taken aback when I angrily jumped off the table, got dressed and stormed out of his office without even saying goodbye or acknowledging what he had just told me...I'd known this man almost all of my life, he was a trusted family friend, how could he have simply destroyed my entire life with a mere word?! How dare he?! I do remember him chasing after me though, still trying desperately to explain things, while I vehemently denied his claims and felt ire raise up inside me like a white hot flame...I was angry at him for saying it, enraged that he'd even made the suggestion, and angrier still that he had attached my name to it to begin with...

He kept saying my name over and over and over again, like a broken record, as if somehow that might snap me out of this self induced fugue state and return me back safely to reality...but by that time I was so wrapped up in my own discourse of denial that nothing could have shaken me out of it...I ignored his plaintive pleas to let him call the oncologist, ignored his gentle but stern explanation that this wasn't something to be taken lightly or fooled around with, that this was serious, life threatening, and I needed to take drastic steps now while I was still capable making my own decisions...

Everything happened in slow motion after that, as if the record that was my existence, which had been moving along quite nicely at 78 rpm, had suddenly slipped down to 33 and 1/3...The next thing I remember was sitting behind the wheel of my car, staring blankly through the windshield as the world I once knew and was comfortable in slowly began slipping away from me...The familiar landscape passing by seemed completely alien to me for the first time in my life...Anything and everything looked like a threat, I shot cold, angry stares at people on the street and glared murderously at innocent pedestrians who crossed in front of my car at stop lights...I held onto my rage and denial the way a starving man holds onto his last crust of bread...

My cell phone rang on unanswered on the seat beside me...my head started to pound, and my stomach did a complete 180 degree flip...I found myself pulling over, jumping out of the car, leaning over with one hand on the back bumper to steady myself, and promptly vomiting up my breakfast onto the cool, green grassy berm on the side of the road...I stood there like that for God knows how long, retching until there was nothing left, then sucking in the damp, dew laden air in great, ragged gulps until I finally started to feel better...

That's when it finally hit me...that's when I knew and understood the implications, knew what I was about to face, and what I was probably going to go through in order to survive...If I survived...and if is a mighty big word to try and deal with when you think you're invincible...

The first thought I had as I climbed back into my car and pulled into traffic, was of my Mother...How could I tell her this? How would she handle it? Would she break down into tears? Stand there in brave, resolute silence? Or scream at me for having played such an awful trick on her?...I just didn't know...I was still in the process of coming to terms with it myself, so how was I going to prepare anyone else for this kind of news? How would any of us even cope? People don't always react to this sort of thing the way you'd think or like them to...I was in for one major emotional roller-coaster...There were some unexpectedly good things that took place after that, and some incredibly tragic ones...

I lost some life long friends, but gained the friendship and support from others whom I least expected... Life is funny that way...You can go along fine for a while, wearing rose colored glasses, convinced of your own immortality, until something like this happens to knock you on your ass and snap you wide awake...Then the world you knew isn't quite so pretty and predictable anymore...Everyone and everything in it changes, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, but eventually, through some strange dynamic, you learn to cope...

Somewhere, from some dark, secret place you never knew existed, you summon up the strength and determination to keep going, to keep pushing on, to keep fighting even when all the odds are stacked against you...You find the tenacity to keep on living no matter what happens, because living is what it's all about right? And if your world changes, even for the worse, you have to learn how to cope with it or you simply go to a dark corner somewhere, curl up, and die...Those are hard lessons to learn even in the best situation, and no, I won't lie to you, they can be extremely painful both emotionally as well as physically, but any sort of life is preferable to lying in the ground with dirt on your face holding your breath forever...

Because learning how to cope, and helping others learn how to do it too, is perhaps the hardest thing you'll ever have to do in your life...It's not pretty, it sure as hell isn't easy, and it never works in the carefully scripted out way you see it done in the movies...You simply can't get up and walk out on your life or change the channel to something more appropriate and easier to deal with...and just ignoring the problem and pretending it doesn't exist isn't even an option...you either deal with it or give up, and when the chips are down, some people have an amazing capacity to learn and adapt...

Others, aren't quite so gifted...

And even though a lesson in coping can seem almost insurmountable sometimes, it is possible to do it and come out on the other side a better person than when you started...You discover things about yourself and the people around you, whether they're good or whether they're bad, but clear lines of acceptance, resolve, humility and understanding are always drawn in the sand at your feet...

You just have to have the heart and the intestinal fortitude to take that first, tentative step into the unknown....

Inner Child

2008-09-20T22:54:56Z

Picture courtesy of images.inmagine.com

She drifts, she floats, she laughs, with yellow daisies braided
In her long dark hair, she skips amongst the soft green clover,
No rules to follow, no boundaries set, only laughter, love and
Kindness fill her tiny heart. With burnished copper skin and eyes
Like polished chips of onyx she is the epitome of euphoric optimism...

She is your inner child, embrace her...

Watch her pause to greet a perfect stranger, heedless of unseen
Danger, for all she knows or understands is how delightful a cold,
Wet puppy nose felt upon her cheek as she crouched down to pet it
Saying, 'Now you and I will always be the best of friends!' With a soft
Compliant look of unadulterated joy upon her precious face...

Accept her unconditional love, rejoice as your inner child rejoices...

She is the wonderment of your life, the secret you've been keeping
From those who would think you mad to chase butterflies through
Open meadows or skip stones across the mirrored surface of a
Clear blue lake, lay beside her as she points out animal shapes in
The billowy clouds above you, giggling with each new discovery...

Your inner child is wise beyond her years...

With arms outstretched and head thrown back, take her hands
In yours and spin until you both are dizzy, until gales of laughter
Light up even the darkest corners of your mind and you feel
Peaceful freedom once again, think not about the daily rigors
You are forced to bare in order to survive, to be accepted...

Let your inner child show you the way...

There are no timepieces in her world, no ticking clocks nor
Schedules that must be met, just the wonderment of new
Discoveries that you have only forgotten for a while, let her
Guide you through the mazes and over obstacles that only
A child will recognize as insignificant and nonessential...

Let your inner child release your hidden muse...

Care not what others may or may not say, for they have
Chosen to conceal their inner child lest they be judged
And ridiculed for coming home with grass stains on their
Knees and tangled, windswept hair, offering up lame
Excuses for enjoying the exuberance of youthful merriment...

Your inner child has no need of such excuses...

Sometimes we forget what ice cream felt like dripping from
Our fingertips on hot and sweltering summer days, or dancing
Down the sidewalk like smudge faced urchins with skinned
Up knees and shirt tails flying, looking for all the world as
If we didn't have a care, because back then we truly didn't...

Your inner child still waits with hopeful anticipation...

Release her now and let a flood of instant happiness wash
Over you like a warm Spring rain, set her free to laugh and play,
To lean in close and whisper secret plans that only children
Seem to understand, toss off the dull exterior you wear so no
One recognizes that inner child who waits just below the surface...

Hold her close and laugh until you cry...

Testament

2008-09-20T04:23:28Z

Picture courtesy of i183.photobucket.com

We each stand on opposite sides of a precipice, wind blowing back
Through your hair like shimmering waves of liquid silk, yet chilling my
Heart like an icy hand wrapped 'round it, between us lay the yawning
Depths of a deep, yet familiar canyon filled with shards of broken glass
That glitter in the fading light like a million jewels of beautiful death...

Your eyes catch mine and hold them in an unwavering stare, and
Hypnotized am I by your beauty as I have always been, yet so much
Time has passed, so much pain rendered, but here we stand together
Again, hearts beating in anxious rhythm, wanting, needing, yearning
For everything we once held dear, once held sacred in our lives...

We put the past away, or tried, and moved on with our lives, yet I
Never forgot the sound of your laughter, or your smile, which shone
So brightly it put the sun to shame, nor did I forget the way you
Touched my soul with soft and loving abandon, giving everything,
Holding back nothing, surrendering yourself to only me...

I thought you had forgotten, thought our love was not as strong
Nor as immortal as it seemed and yet, not a single day passed
When my mind did not drift to you, that thoughts of you did not
Make me smile or brighten up my day in some form or another,
When hope that you still cared did not bring tears to my eyes...

You reach a hand out to me across the valley, an expectant
Look upon your face, a gentle smile playing at the corners of
Your mouth, such an easy temptation is this, one step, one
Leap of faith and we could resurrect the past, renew a love
That even the Gods upon Olympus were in envy of...

Your outstretched hand wavers in the wind like a gentle flower,
Beckoning, promising, making my heart contract and skip a beat
So much love have I for you, yet guilt weighs heavily upon my
Shoulders, guilt for the breaking of a heart so pure and undefiled
That no degree of punishment could ever appease or suffice...

Yet love still shines out from your eyes like a beacon, offering
Hope and solace, a sheltered inlet where I may drop my anchor
And breathe deeply of the sweetly salted air without need to watch
My back for those wretched few who would seek to harm me or
Inundate my soul with false promises and blackened hearts...

And then you say my name, it is picked up upon the wind to
Fall softly against my ears like delicate music, I close my eyes
Tightly as an onslaught of emotion overcomes me, wave upon
Wave of bittersweet memories that come crashing in like
Breakers on a storm tossed beach, assaulting all my senses...

Like the beating of a million wings, they clamor within my
Head and I catch my breath, with a single word you have
Captured me, a willing suppliant who would gladly die
A thousand deaths within the warm and impassioned
Comfort of your arms, but still with an aching heart I hesitate...

How can you forgive me for all that I have done? How can your kind
And gentle spirit still love a man like me, whose words were steeped
In prevarication and wrapped within a lie? My love for you was always
True that much can never be refuted, but can you truly find it within
Yourself to acquit me for all the pain and suffering I have wrought?

I open my eyes and your eyes are penetrating, questioning,
Seeking an answer, seeking anything except the pain that seems to
Flow between us like an invisible thread, have I forgotten? How
Could I have when every breath I took was filled with you? When
Every fiber of my being was infused with the power of your love?

This is my testament, the validation that you seek, my love for
You never died, never waned nor was forgotten, I still hold
Tightly to the rope with gnarled and trembling fingers, refusing to let
Dreams die or memories fade into the darkness, and now you
Have come to me, a maiden fair with a bruised, bleeding heart...

How can I turn away? How can I not feel your tears and see the
Anguish on your beautiful face? I struggle not to confuse you,
Because confusion only causes pain, and pain is what I have
Left you with, but tis you my love who must decide, who must
Make the choice to take me back or let me go...

Sweet torment rages through me now, one word and I
Shall make the leap, another and I shall fade away into
The murky darkness from whence I came, no more to
Cobble up your mind nor wrench your heart with worry
And confusion, tis you, my love, tis you who must accede...

I will stand like this forever, a grizzled knight with tarnished
Sword ready to defend, to protect, to die if need be, for nothing
In this world means more to me than you fair maid and the love
That we once knew, so heed this feeble testament as a poor
Attempt to convey my deepest love and devotion for you alone...

Throw wide your fairy net my love, and haul in this ragged soul
Who loves you more than life itself, a thousand times have I paid
For my errant ways and sins, a thousand nights spent dreaming
Of your arms around me, a million tears of remorse and penitence
Have I shed and a million unspoken words have I suppressed...

In humbled silence do I stand awaiting of my fate, heedless of the
Icy wind that cuts through me like a knife, I can feel only your inner
Warmth and sacred love surrounding me like the banked and
Welcomed warmth of a midnight fire, this is my testament, my
Soul unbound and opened to the freedom that is you and I...

Just Nod Your Head...

2008-09-15T16:56:36Z

pinker.wjh.harvard.edu

Now I'm certain you've all had this experience at least once or twice in your life, but it never fails to annoy the ever loving piss out of me every single time it happens...

The blank stare...

That flat, non compos mentis expression that says 'I haven't understood a damned thing you just said, but I don't want to appear stupid, so I'll just stare at you'...Ok, if you don't understand what I've said, fine, but why not just ask? I'd rather have you ask than give me that dumb founded, addlepated look...What's so awfully bad about not knowing something? Here's a little sample of what I'm talking about...It happened to me again the other day, and it's effect still hasn't yet worn off...See if you guys feel the same way I do...

Interior shot: Man's office, kind of organized chaos, stuff laying about everywhere...A cold unfinished cup of coffee nestled amidst papers...A little plastic, feathered bird-dippy thing on the shelf behind him bobbing it's little red plastic beak into a small cup of red-colored liquid...A pack of cigarettes half hiding under some official-looking yet totally unimportant documents...A regular Joe (Nick) sitting comfortably in the middle of all this useless but too important crap to throw away...Someone knocks on his door and he looks up from his computer screen..

"Come in."

A young, newly-hired assistant steps in. She appears nervous, yet friendly. She looks around the office as if a homeless person's possessions have just exploded in the room and gives the man a slight smile that seems to say, ok he's a guy, this place looks like it harbors leprosy, but he seems sorta ok so I don't think I'm going to catch anything fatal...

"Yes? Can I help you? I ask. I notice that she is a little nervous, so I offer her a smile to break the tension. She's about 21 tops...Probably her first real job so I'll try to be patient. She is very small in stature, has big brown eyes and dark, colorless hair that doesn't quite seem to know what it wants to be when it grows up.

Blank stare. No expression. I don't think she understood the question. And so, I repeat myself.

"Can I help you, uh...?"

She actually seems to understand that I'm too stupid to have remembered her name so she doesn't let me struggle hard enough to hurt myself trying to figure it.

"Janice." she says.

"Yeah," I nod, pretending I knew it all along when both of us know I really didn't, that I'm only being polite, or trying not to look like I actually give two shits or whatever. "yeah Janice...What can I do for you?"

Blank stare. No discernible sign of comprehension whatsoever. Ok, I think to myself. She's nice, but deaf. I'll speak louder so as not to embarrass her. I raise my voice slightly to accommodate her special needs. "Yes Janice. Do you need something!?"

Blank stare. No reaction. Well, delayed reaction. Takes her to a count of ten to speak. I wait patiently for some incredible pearl of wisdom to fall from her overly-glossed lips. Ah! She's about to say something really spectacular!

"Hi." says Janice, and suddenly I hear Twilight Zone music playing in the background. Oh no, I think, I have another ostrich.

"Hello." I reply. The Twilight Zone music skips a beat then resumes again.

"Hi." Blank stare. Still no expression. Only this time she bats her eyes in some strange kind of annoying rhythm as if trying to use 'eyelash Morse code' to communicate with me. I blink back as if to signal that 'no, I don't know eyelash Morse code, and you're actually going to have to 'speak' in order for this conversation to move forward.'

I really don't know what else to do except to repeat myself and hope something sinks in here.

"Can...I...help...you?" I reply, slowly, so my question isn't misunderstood yet again.

"Yeah." Blank stare. No expression. More eyelash Morse code. She reaches up and starts curling a few strands of her no-color, pre-pubescent hair absent-mindedly. I sigh. Oh God. How do I begin to communicate with an ostrich? I do that 'ya wanna speed this up a little cause I haven't got all day' hand signal, and she looks around the room again. At this point I'm thinking, 'if she has trouble with the really simple shit, how in the hell is she going to comprehend the really tough stuff, like, what time is it Janice...?'

I find myself staring back at her and quickly remind myself that at least one of us has to keep going or I'm going to pass another birthday while she's standing there in the doorway. So I say,

"Can I do something for you?"

"Yeah."

Oh jesus, I think, kill me now.

I do that 'hurry up' hand signal a little more forcibly now, and finally there's a slight sign of life in her eyes. I give a small sigh of relief. For a moment there I thought I'd been dealing with an animated corpse. "yeah. I was just wondering..." she says.

Blank stare. No expression. Hair twist. More eyelash Morse code. This is the point when you finally begin to realize that you're not going to be able to have an intelligent conversation in any language, even if you try using Egyptian hieroglyphics and hand signals for the hearing impaired!

I take in a deep breath and let it out again, slowly. Patience Nick, I tell myself, she's young...Maybe she didn't learn to speak until just this morning, so maybe she's not all that familiar with the concept yet.

"What were you wondering, Janice?"

She draws herself up to her full two feet in height and appears to have a sudden ephinany. Oh joy, I tell myself, now we're getting somewhere! This is going to be good!

"I was just wondering if..." and her sentence trails off as if a rhinoceros just walked through the office and distracted her. Blank stare. No expression. Hair twist. Eyelash Morse code. Heavy sigh.

I actually sit back in my chair and stick a finger up my left nostril hoping that will gross her out enough to finish the sentence and get the hell out of here. It doesn't have any effect at all.

"You were wondering if...what, Janice?" I try throwing her a hint but, she doesn't get it.

"I was just wondering if you..."

Oh jesus wept. I pull my finger out of my nose and wipe it on the front of my shirt. What the hell, I think, not going to have any effect anyway so I might as well just give it up.

"Janice." I say trying my best not to jump up and wrap both hands around her neck and snap it in two like a toothpick. "Janice listen to me." I calmly say. "I have a very very busy schedule today...So if you have a question to ask, go ahead and ask it. I'll be happy to answer it to the best of my ability. Ok?"

"Huh?." Blank stare. No expression. More seconds tick by. Hair twist. Silence. Eyelash Morse code. Maybe if I suddenly jumped up on my desk and started humming 'Ride of the Valkyries' really really loudly while gesturing wildly with my arms, something might just get her attention and snap her out of this coma.

I find myself blinking back at her and then I almost slap myself for being so caught up with the possibility that she was actually capable of speech. I start throwing ideas out randomly so old age and arthritis doesn't set in while I'm waiting.

"You were just wondering who makes the coffee first thing in the morning right?" I ask. "No, no wait, you were just wondering if...you can have a raise. Yes, it's only your first day. I understand that. But you have to pay for all those 'people' lessons so maybe it wouldn't hurt just to ask right? No. No! I've got it!...You were just wondering if there's someplace private you can go here in the office to practice your pilates, cause it's three hundred thousand degrees outside and you don't like sweat stains under your arm pits but you're too embarrassed to ask me cause I'm a guy, right? Right!?"

No expression. Blank stare. Eyelash Morse code. Hair twist. Ostrich. A semi-long passage of unimaginably awkward silence.

"No." replies Janice flatly.

"Ok." I stick a finger back up my left nostril and leave it there. "Why don't I just ask a series of random questions and you just nod if any one of them rings a bell..."

"Uh." says Janice. "uh...Um. Ok..."

Holy Mother of Pearly Bailey. This can't be happening to me, I think. It's all just some terrible dream. My head is going to snap forward and suddenly I'll wake up and realize with a great sense of relief that it was indeed a dream. That Janice has been standing there talking to me the entire time like any normal person would, but that I haven't heard her because I've been in La-la Land. And so, it begins...

"Do you want to know where the ladies restroom is on this floor?" I ask.

"No."

"Do you want to know if we have any polar bears on the premises?"

"No."

"Do you want to know if I like orangutan eyeballs in my sushi?"

"No."

Sigh. Blank stare. No expression at all. More eyelash Morse code. More twisting of the hair. No nodding. An ostrich. Please someone, mercifully have me put to death. I'll even supply the lethal injection myself.

"You want to know what hours you're scheduled to work next week?"

Suddenly from out of nowhere, Janice nods once. It was so subtle though I almost missed it. I have to ask again just to be certain.

"So, you just want to know what hours you're scheduled to work next week!?"

Janice nods. Oh my God! I broke through! Halle-fucking-happy-lujah!!!

So see? It really isn't all that hard to ask a question when you don't understand something, or if you really do have something important to ask but you feel somewhat embarrassed to ask it...And when someone actually asks you your own question first, it's ok to nod immediately to save centuries from screaming by in the blink of an eye...

You guys get it now right?

Please just nod your head if you understand me...

Bound

2008-09-14T23:57:33Z

Picture courtesy of pickdoodle.com

Bound

by

Nick Carlton

I am bound, by your love, by your passion,
By everything you are...
I am bound, by your touch, your eyes,
By the way you look at me...

I am bound, by the feel of you, by your
Scent, your taste...
I am bound, by your strength,
By your weakness...

I am bound, by your compassion,
By the tears you shed for me,
I am bound, a willing captive,
By the way you excite me...

I am bound, by your energy, by your
Soul, when we collide,
I am bound, in time and space,
By your soft voice...

I am bound, by your protectiveness,
By your fierce determination,
I am bound, by a love I've never known,
And never thought I'd find...

I am bound, by your warm breath,
Upon my skin, by your kiss,
I am bound by your loyalty,
Your unwillingness to let go...

I am bound, by the beating of your heart,
When you are near me,
I am bound, by soft sighs,
And whispered words of love...

I am bound, by lust, by the endless
Dance of emotion we share...
I am bound, by your laughter,
By your smile...

I am bound, by your lips, when
They meet mine, with raw abandon...
I am bound, by the tempest,
We're both caught up in...

I am bound, by your gentility,
Your grace, your intelligence,
I am bound, by your wit,
By your ceaseless patience...

I am bound, to you, body and
Soul, by a universal love...
I am bound, by your arms,
That hold me when I cry...

I am bound, by your eyes, that
Look into the depths of me...
I am bound, by your knowledge,
Of who and what I am...

I am bound, by the way that
You move me, with only a smile...
I am bound, by the connection,
That cannot be broken...

I am bound, by a truth, I longed
For, and found in you...
I am bound, by a need, that only
You can fill...

I am bound, by the secrets we
Share, in the darkness...
I am bound, by the way you shine,
Like a beacon when I am lost...

I am bound, by your wisdom, to
Know right from wrong...
I am bound, by your willingness,
To show me the path...

I am bound, by your instincts,
To know exactly what I need,
I am bound, by your selflessness,
To give me what I want...

I am bound, by the way every cell,
In my body, reacts to you...
I am bound, by the need to protect
You, with my life...

I am bound, by the song you sing,
To my heart, when I am alone,
I am bound, by the fact that I
Know all the lyrics...

I am bound, by your beauty, that
Never fails to leave me breathless...
I am bound, to a force greater
Than I have ever known...

I am bound, by the trail of fire,
That you trace with your fingertips...
I am bound, by a desire, to possess
You, for the rest of my life...

I am bound, by the words, that
Fall from your lips like warm honey...
I am bound, by the tears I cry,
When I miss you...

I am bound, by the magic, you
Work around the core of me...
I am bound, by the absolute
Perfectness of you...

I am bound, by you for all
Of eternity...
I am bound...

Talk To Me

2008-09-13T17:16:32Z

Picture courtesy of justanothercustomer

It has been said that no man is an island...Perhaps that's true, the world as we know it has shrunken by leaps and bounds...You can't even turn around in your own bathroom nowadays without bumping into a stranger...Not that I have strange people in my bathroom, well, besides myself...You get the picture...But even though the world has gotten a whole lot smaller, people, it seems, have only grown more distant from one another...

Let's face it, with advent of modern transportation we can be anywhere in the world in twenty four hours, a little longer perhaps if you're going someplace a little farther afield...And with the introduction of modern telecommunication products, we can be talking to grandma back in Poughkeepsie, while at the same time chatting with a business associate in Taipei...It's all very technologically advanced yes, but are we really communicating with one another? I mean, actually 'talking' to each other? When you sit down and really think hard about it, you come to the same conclusions I did, and that's no, we aren't 'talking' to each other at all...

Oh sure, when we're at work we're often 'forced' to talk to each other in order to get the job done, but once the clock rolls over to five, we're headed for the door like a lizard flat out drinking, papers and shit caught up and swirling behind us like Speedy Gonzales...But in our mad dash for freedom, do we stop to consider the people around us? Again, the answer is no...All we want to do is head for the garage, jump in the car and hit the gas...To hell with those that got left behind in the maelstrom, they're on their own...If they weren't quick enough to catch the last elevator that's their tough luck...They should have gotten their work done faster and been ready to go when the rest of the mob left...

But see, that's where the real problem lies...It's not just in the work-a-day world that we humans fail to communicate...It's everywhere...In the grocery store, on line at the bank, at the gas station, at the gym, anywhere else you can think of...Take a moment to think about just how many people you pass on the street everyday and the numbers start to get enormous...Did any of those people smile at you and say 'Good morning!' or 'Good afternoon!' or even 'Hi there!'...No, they didn't, and neither did you...We all live in our own private little protected bubble of isolation, and human beings have actually grown accustomed to it...It's pretty sad, considering human beings are supposed to be the most sociable creatures on planet Earth...

Sure, we'll ring up any 'disposable' friend we can think of on our cell phones and 'chat' for a while just to pass the time so we won't get bored when we get stuck in traffic..We'll talk about the stupidest most inane things we can think of, but we won't even say hello to a stranger on the street...What's wrong with this picture? Now you really don't want to hear about Leslie's new boyfriend, or Jake's newest fling, but you'll sit and you'll listen for as long as it takes just to have someone to talk with while the traffic crawls along...I see you thinking, but trust me, you know as well as I do that what I'm saying is true...We even have friends 'programmed' into our phones strictly for that express purpose...

But what about the old woman who smiled at you at the bus stop this morning? Or the kid who dropped off your morning paper at 3am? What about that guy who held the door open for you, or that young guy at the grocery store who went out of his way to find whatever it was you were looking for when you couldn't find it yourself? They're people too you know..And maybe a kind word or a smile would have made their entire day...We go out of our way to make sure our business associates are treated properly and given respect, but to hell with the guy who picks up our garbage right? He's just a trash collector, not worthy of a 'good morning', or a 'have a nice day'...We've topped out every single creature on the planet as far as evolution goes, but yet, all of us, every single one of us, is all alone most of the time...

Sure, we come together for sex, what species doesn't right? But would you want to sit down and actually have breakfast with your partner the next morning? Unless you're lucky enough to have a steady partner or a live-in one, then the answer is still going to be no...Because once they've satisfied our basic sexual needs, they cease to have anymore value to us as a human being...And that, ladies and gentlemen, is truly sad...We've become isolationists, every single damned one of us...We won't even acknowledge a smile or a salutation from anyone we don't know, and God forbid we engage them in conversation...That would be unthinkable! Don't even look at me like that because you know I'm speaking the truth here...I'm just as bad as the next person, only I'm not afraid or ashamed to admit it...

That's the difference, but at least I try...

Now that the holidays are fast approaching, it becomes even more difficult to keep yourself isolated...People are bustling about shopping, bickering over the bargain tables or trying to flag down that last taxi and jump into it before the guy standing next to us does...Then we sit back with a smug, self-satisfied look on our faces while we bark out orders to the driver...Never mind that the guy you left standing in the rain at the curb has a sick kid at home, or an elderly parent he's trying to get to...Didn't think about that one did you...I didn't think you would...But more than that, it's the total and utter 'lack' of communication skills we human beings have aspired to...We've mastered the skill of being sentient, having free will and advanced thought processes, but we can't even say hello to a stranger on the street...How sad is that? Hell, we can't even say hello to anyone for that matter...Not unless they say hello first, and then our first thought is, 'What the hell does he/she want!?'

Perhaps it's just me, because I'm a naturally social person...I actually 'enjoy' having a conversation with someone...No, I'm not talking about exchanging a few meager words with someone at the check-out stand, I'm talking about a real life, 'sit down, grab a cup of coffee and your smokes' type of conversation...Where you talk and the other person 'listens', then they talk and 'you' listen...It's a simple process really, but one that most people fail miserably to master...Now I seem to have the kind of face that little old people find attractive...I don't really know why, perhaps it's because I look harmless or something, but whenever I'm in a store or the mall, I always end up having coffee with some elderly person who's giving me their entire life story...Ninety-nine percent of the time it's truly fascinating...What elderly people know and have experienced can be mind boggling...They have rich, colorful histories, and you end up living vicariously through them just by sitting and listening to them talk...

I've gotten many a phone call from loved ones asking me where the hell I am because I should have been home an hour ago...When I say I'm having coffee with 'Frank' or 'Margaret', their first response is always to laugh and then ask, 'Ok Nick, who'd you pick up this time?' Elderly people are just drawn to me...Perhaps because I smiled first...Because I opened the door to myself first and invited them in...But it's not just elderly people who do this...Damned near anyone will start talking to me for any reason at any time in any place...And even if I'm in a hurry, I'll take at least a few minutes to acknowledge them...Those few extra minutes aren't going to kill me, and it might just make the other person's day...

Now I'm not saying you should all go out tomorrow and start handing out roses to people on the street...That's asking a bit much, I know...But when someone smiles at you, smile back...Your face won't crack open and I'm pretty sure it'll make your whole day a little brighter...I've had so many cups of coffee with so many strangers I can't even begin to count them all...Some of them have become loyal, trusted friends...Others have merely passed through my life and left a footprint on my heart...But none of them are ever forgotten...You know penguins are considered to be a 'lower' species by human beings, and yet they have such a complex social structure it's unbelievable...They huddle together in a tight knit group to keep warm when a storm rages, and members on the outside take turns rotating with the members on the inside so that everyone gets an equal opportunity to stay warm...Now that takes teamwork...That's concern...That's consideration for their fellow flock mates, and these are only penguins...

Human beings, however, don't really give a shit who's cold or who's not, so long as we get what we want we're perfectly ok with it...Penguins, on the other hand actually 'talk' to one another...They're in constant communication so that no one gets lost, misplaced or left out...When a penguin chick dies they 'all' grieve, not just the parents, but the entire community mourns...When an adult member dies, they will stand over the body and 'talk' to it for hours, sometimes even days, urging it to get up and join the rest of the mob...They even offer it food and try to shield it from the storm...They only give up when the freezing rain and snow drive them back into the pack for warmth...

Penguins are also monogamous...They mate for life, keeping the same partner forever until one of them dies or is killed...They remain separated for most of the year then come together in the exact same place at the exact same time every single year to mate and raise a chick...Each penguin instantly recognizes it's mates 'voice' calling to them, then find one another in a group of twelve thousand...Pretty amazing stuff eh? Yet we human beings can't even say hello to one another...We can't (or won't) stop and talk to anyone we don't know personally...It's pretty much like that anywhere you go...And we tend to ignore anyone who doesn't fit 'our' ideas of acceptability...Perhaps they dress a bit differently, or speak differently, or have blue hair or whatever...Does that make them any less of a human being? Of course it doesn't...That's just ridiculous!

Then why did you ignore the goth chick who smiled and said hello to you this morning? Why did you turn away and avert your eyes from the guy who had a Mohawk and a bunch of scary looking tattoos? Why did you pretend that homeless person sitting shivering in the cold wasn't even there when they were asking you for a dollar to buy a hot cup of coffee? Why didn't you just say 'Hey, no problem...'? instead of snapping, cursing and then hanging up on the stranger who accidentally dialed your cell phone even when he profusely apologized for his mistake? Why did you curse silently under your breath and suck your teeth at the elderly woman who was taking too much time crossing the street ahead of you? Perhaps she had to move slowly because of her arthritis, or because she was in pain...Why didn't you just offer an arm out to her for support instead? Why did you bark out orders at the waitress serving you lunch instead of saying 'please' and 'thank you'...Wouldn't have killed you to be polite, it would have put a smile on her face and you probably would have gotten your food a lot quicker...

And even though you constantly 'profess' to everyone you haven't a single prejudiced bone in your entire body, why did you step back from the young black guy on the elevator who was wearing camo shorts, hightop sneakers who was dancing to silent, invisible music playing inside his head from a set of Walkmans he was wearing? And why did you turn your head away in disgust when two women passed you on the street holding hands and smiling at one another? Why do you refuse to let the 'gay' guy at the salon cut your hair? Do you actually think homosexuality is contagious?

Well trust me, it isn't...

And why did you break eye contact and nervously try to get away from the two young hispanic guys on the crowded bus who were wearing kerchiefs tied backwards on their heads and obvious gang affiliations tattooed on their hands and faces? Why didn't you just break the awkward silence by saying 'Good morning...' You wouldn't have died just trying to be polite...One time I ended up having a wonderful three hour conversation with a group of five Asian 'gang bangers' in the local park...As I passed by, one of them casually asked me if I could spare a cigarette..I told him sure with an open, honest smile...The next thing I knew my Sunday workout on the track was forgotten, and instead I found myself sitting on top of a redwood picnic table surrounded by a group of seven young guys swapping jokes and laughing our asses off...At one point the 'leader' I suppose, asked me why I wasn't afraid of them...My answer was simple...I told him I'm wasn't afraid of human beings as a rule, because I just happen to be one myself, and if he felt as if they were outcasts in society, try living in a small Iowa town where you can't even fart because someone two miles away will hear it, and it will become the newest hot topic at the local diner...

People just don't talk to one another anymore...Not like they should anyway...We take each other for granted and ignore one another because we've become inconvenient...Our entire species has become inconvenient...I'm pretty certain 'obsolete' can't be too far around the corner...Perhaps it's because I have always embraced the 'differentness' in people, mo matter what type of lifestyle they choose to live...Maybe it's because I see each person as an individual and not just a member of the Borg Collective...The more 'different' a person is, the more I'm attracted to them...And no, I don't mean in a sexual way, I mean in a way that draws me in and makes me want to get to know them better...And you'd be surprised how many friends I have that most 'normal' people would consider completely 'bizarre'...

I've yet to find one single human being who is truly 'normal' anyway...Because the so-called normal ones are usually the ones who are the most fucked up and have the least intelligent thing to say or contribute to a conversation...It's sad but true...I don't give a shit about your skiing trip with 'Bunny' last winter, or how your golf game went with 'Morris' this morning when everybody else at the table is busy discussing quantum mechanics...But sit down and talk to me about the new song you're working on, or the poem you just finished, or about your philosophical outlooks on life, the Universe, and everything...

Talk to me about your new tattoo, or the new idea you had for a book you'd like to write, or some new conspiracy theory you've just come up with...Talk to me about how the lyrics of some song you heard today really moved you...Just talk to me about whatever the hell interests you and I'll be a happy camper...Share something you're really passionate about and I'll be excited right along with you...I don't care if it's stamp collecting or bungee jumping, if it means something to you then it'll probably mean something to me too...Enthusiasm is contagious!

It seems to me that the more our species evolves technologically, the less advanced we get at maintaining 'people' skills...We've forgotten what it's like to just sit down and talk to one another face to face...The Internet may be a wonderful tool for bringing together and connecting mankind in a 'global' way, but it doesn't excuse anyone for not being able to sit down and have a decent conversation with someone, or smile back at the guy in the grocery store, or thank that waitress for keeping your coffee cup filled...It doesn't excuse you for cursing at that strange sounding guy who misdialed your cell phone, or for not giving that homeless person a dollar, and it sure the hell doesn't excuse you for not helping that little old lady across the street...

We evolved to be sentient and develop the power of speech for a reason...To communicate with our fellow human beings...To join ourselves together as a species...To make sure all the penguins shivering on the outside of the mob get a chance to move to the middle for a while and keep warm...It's called a 'survival' tool, and trust me, Richard Sears and James Cash Penney did not invent it...Maybe if we all put down our cell phones for a day and started 'talking' to one another we'd all be much better off for it...Maybe if we started smiling 'first' instead of always waiting for the other person to do it, people wouldn't feel so damned isolated...Maybe if we actually started using the words 'please' and 'thank you' again, some of our people skills might just come back...

And maybe, just maybe, if we took a second look at one another, we'd all find that one special quality that every single human being has which separates us from everybody else and makes each one of us unique...You might be surprised to find out that goth chick secretly likes country western music...Or that guy with the Mohawk and the scary tattoos likes to do needlepoint...You might be fascinated to find out that the little old lady crossing the street was on General George S. Patton's staff during the war, or that she was a riveter in a factory that built Mustang fighter planes...And that homeless guy? He might have been on The Bataan Death March, or stormed the beaches at Normandy on D-day, or even been a radical peace activist in the sixties...Maybe that waitress is a single working Mom with two kids at home who's trying to keep a roof over their heads while she has to listen to morons like you barking out commands everyday as if she were some kind of android and not another human being...Wouldn't it be a real shock to know that guy with the blue hair and the safety pins in his jacket designs clothes for Mick Jagger?

And wouldn't you be just totally shocked to find out that the strange sounding guy you cursed at and hung up on was Stephen Hawking's assistant, or maybe even a publicist interested in a book you recently sent out to him? It could have been anyone, how would you know? You hung up on them...Maybe that guy you practically ran over and stole the cab from this morning needed to reach his sick child in time to get them to the emergency room, or his elderly parent passed away before he could say his final goodbyes because you were too selfish and too self centered to give up a fucking cab and hail the next one in line...

If you would have stopped to ask him why he needed it that badly you may have found out and let him have it anyway...Maybe that young gay grocery clerk you can't stand is working part time to put himself through college to become a geneticist or a researcher because he wants to find a cure for cancer or AIDS...How would you know? You didn't even thank him for finding that damned jar of pickle relish for you, now did you...?

If human beings keep on going the way we're going, our entire race is going to lose the power of speech all together...We'll simply stop communicating, be cloned and get bar coded for tracking, control and identification purposes...We'll all look exactly the same, no ethnic variances, no 'differentness', no creativity, no imagination, no laughter, no music, no love no nothing...We'll live in housing 'units' that look identical to one another...There won't be anymore poets, or musicians, or writers...There won't be any 'fun' places left to hang out in and have a few beers with some friends, because all of your emotional/social/companionship needs will be taken care of by your live-in 'humanoid robot' housekeeper...Eventually we'll forget just how great our 'old' lives used to be, and instead of engaging each other in a conversation, we'll just completely ignore one another...

Think I'm crazy huh? When was the last time 'you' said hello to a complete stranger?

Think about it...

Bad Day At Black Rock

2008-09-12T22:44:57Z

Picture courtesy of legaljuice.com

Today I have miserably failed at not smoking cigarettes, and I don't even give a damn...Considering that today of all days I hate the entire world and everyone on it, I think I've done ok so far...But I am now sitting calmly at my PC having my 120th cup of coffee for the day and gleefully puffing away on my third cigarette since I've gotten home...

This was in order not to kill or maim anyone during the day...I think I deserve it...And they probably deserve to live too, although that's still highly questionable...I'm not about to sit here and argue with myself nor anyone else about the semantics of smoking verses not smoking...It's all just relative bullshit today anyway and frankly I really couldn't give a flying fuck...

Tommorow, if no one pisses me off enough to commit homicide, I may think about trying again, but as it stands now, it's either smoke, get fuck-all drunk or take massive quantities of illegal drugs...Which one of these options do you think best meets my needs? I'm thinking smoking cigarettes does, but alcohol ranks right up there in my opinion too...

I'm also seriously considering taking a few hostages, barricading myself in my house with five fully-automatic assault weapons, several thousand rounds of armor piercing bullets, a SCUD missile launcher, twenty-five cases of Twinkies, twelve attack-trained Rottweilers and as many grenades and incendiary devices as I can get my hands on...Then eventually I'll consider working up a list of demands...It's a short list, but would anyone like to argue with me!? I think not...

First, I want every member of my immediate family killed...And when I say killed, I don't mean "slightly wounded" either, I mean killed, as in completely dead, because if anyone tries faking it, I'll find out about it...After that's been taken care of, I want everything even remotely connected to them burned to a crisp and the earth salted...Secondly, I want a copy of 'The Special Edition Close Encounters Of The Third Kind' DVD, with all of the original uncut, unchanged, undeleted and unedited scenes in it! (Yes I know that's completely insane, but what the hell, it's my list anyway and besides, it pisses me off that I have been searching in vain for that damned DVD for years now, and whenever I think I've found it, it still turns out not to have all the fucking original footage in it!) Personally I think Steven Spielberg is doing this to me just for spite...

Thirdly, I want a fully fuelled, fully armed F-16 Falcon with four nuclear tipped weapons under each wing...If I'm going to be chased, shot down by The United States Airforce and killed, then I'm taking out a few major cities along the way...And I want it to be continuously refuelled in mid air so I can stay aloft for at least a day or so...Don't ask me about the hostages either, because they'll be sitting comfortably in the airconditioned 767 jumbo jet front of me relaxing with the twelve Rottweilers, a case of the best champagne available, plus anything they want in the world to eat...But I'll still have my finger on the missile control launch button just in case someone decides to be a smartass and pull a John McClane move on me...If I'm going to Die Hard, trust me, it won't be alone...

Enough said...

So that's it...Those are my demands...I told you it was a very short list before this whole thing started now didn't I...Whomever comes to attempt a hostage negotiation at my home will have to worry about getting all of us to the nearest military base unharmed and in one piece...I'm not going to sweat the small stuff...But I would advise that someone find me a copy of that freaking DVD first before I start throwing bodies out onto my front lawn...Just a suggestion mind you...

Ok, ok, ok...I'm really not a violent person, but my last nerve has been ripped out and I am teetering dangerously on the very brink of extreme paranoid delusional schizophrenia with multiple personality disorder and psychotic tendancies thrown in just for fun...But for now anyway, I'll just light up another cigarette, do some deep meditation and talk to the little gray alien being who's been perched on my left shoulder this entire time...Just a warning, it's been a bad day at Black Rock, and if anyone tries to take away my cigarettes, they'll be my first victim...

The Shoes With No One Inside Them

2008-09-12T22:01:35Z

Picture courtesy of BananaRepublic.com

This is a true story about shoes, or more correctly...loafers...Not the usual topic I know, but just bear with me cause it's some funny shit...But it's a true story, which makes it that much funnier...Let me set the scene up for you first, so that you can get some idea of the way things all went down, because if I don't, you won't get the entire comedic benefit of understanding just how incredibly stupid and lame I can actually be sometimes...

Since coming to sunny Southern California, I've noticed a trend in men's footwear that seems well, kinda fucking bizarre...Ok I know it's hot out here in the summer and all, but uh...sandals and white ankle socks!?

*Rolls eyes*...

Now I'm normally a boot wearin' kinda guy myself, even though I was forced to re-adjust my wardrobe to include cotton board shorts, Reeboks and some wife-beater shirts...(Ok in case you're all wondering, wife-beater shirts are the kind that only trailer trash guys usually wear around in public...You know the kind, no sleeves, scoop neck? Usually have two or three holes in them and the remnants of last night's leftover tv dinner peppered down the front? Ok those are wife-beater shirts...Only mine are always clean, they don't just come in white and they always smell of Downey April Fresh fabric softener...Don't even look at me that way ok!? My housekeeper uses that shit when she does the laundry...Not me!)

Sooooo, moving right along...

I immedietly decided that I was not going to go with the current fad of sandals and white ankle socks...I hate sandals actually cause anytime I've ever tried to wear a pair I either almost always succeed in inadvertantly amputating one or more of my bare toes, or little tiny bits of razor sharp pebbles get caught between the naked balls of my bare feet and the leather part where the straps attach to....Then walking becomes a choice of either one or two things...Suddenly screaming hysterically from the unexpected pain and hopping around on one foot, (because for a guy I have some pretty fuckin sensitive feet), or simply standing there stoically and refusing to be a slave to my own hidden masochistic tendancies....

Having thought the whole thing through very carefully, I finally decided that a nice pair of soft brown leather loafers sans socks would be appropriate yet fashionably stylish for the hot weather...So with that thought in mind, I pulled on a pair of athletic socks, my trusty old faded blue 501's and a nice, clean, floral smelling tan colored wife-beater shirt...I topped the whole ensamble off with a new pair of white Reeboks I'd purchased just the week before, grabbed my car keys and headed out the door for the nearest Florsheim shoe store...

Fade in: front of Bob's Florsheim Shoe Store on Avacado Boulevard, mid-day, sunny...Slight breeze ruffles his hair briefly as he pulls open the door and steps inside...Older, silver-haired salesman in a maroon satin vest and black rayon too short pants immedietly approaches with a way too wide grin plastered across his face, extends a hand and Nick takes it...Feeling a little creeped out by the warm moist feel of the salesman's palm, Nick quickly lets go of it and takes a slight step back...

"Well hi there! My name's Rudy! What can I do for you today!!?"

"Well for one thing," I say evenly, "you can stop yelling at me..."

Rudy laughs as if the insult has somehow missed him completely and is now on it's way to Pluto.

"Oh sorry about that young man! I have a slight hearing problem!! Don't mean to offend ya know!!!"

In a slightly raised voice I reply, "No problem, Rudy. I'd like to see if you have a nice soft pair of brown loafers in stock in my size."

"Boasters!!???"

Jesus wept, I sorta half close my eyes, it's going to be that kinda experience is it!?

"Uh no, Rudy." I lean a bit closer, trying to figure out which ear he's actually that deaf in. "I said, l-o-a-f-e-r-s...Loafers. Brown. Soft. Leather. My size..." I repeat each word slowly and precisely so that Rudy doesn't misunderstand me and bring out a pair of those cheesy black, 80's style ankle high-half boots that zip up the side. I mean I suppose somebody would like to make a fashion statement wearing shit like that, but it wouldn't be me.

"Well ok!!" Rudy bellows, "let's see what size shoe ya wear!!!"

I really could have saved him the trouble by just telling him, but I didn't want to deny him the pleasure of using that big ass steel bigfoot-shaped sizer with the razor-edged adjustable gapper on the side. So in silent submission I backed into a chair, sat down and pulled off my Reeboks. Rudy got down on one knee, which popped loud enough to make me concerned, then slid the big-foot shaped steel sizer under my right foot...After a second or two of adjusting, he cocked his head to one side and yelled,

"You got a preeetty big foot there young man!!!!"

Four other guys on the opposite side of the store all snapped their heads around in my direction at the same time, and two thoughts entered my head simultaneously...One, did Rudy think the left foot was going to be three sizes smaller than the right? And two, yes I know I have big ass feet, but did you have to call public attention to that fact!?

I managed a slightly annoyed sigh and tried to act casual.

"Do you have anything in my size, Rudy?" I asked carefully, "Loafers. Brown. Soft. Leather."

"I dunno!" said Rudy, as if I had asked him for a copper jock strap or something. "I'll have to go in the back and see!!"

With that, he got up from his one knee with a loud arthritic crack and ambled his way into the back room. Slightly self-conscious now, I took my foot off the big ass big-foot shaped steel sizer and pushed the offending piece of equipment to one side with the my sock-covered toes. It was a few moments later when Rudy shuffled back out with a stack of about 150 white cardboard shoe boxes, balancing them all in a precarious uneven tower.

"I got about a dozen different styles here!!!" he bellowed while he set the stack down in front of me with surprizing dexterity. "Wasn't sure which kind ya wanted!!"

Ok, I thought, how many styles do a plain pair of loafers actually come in? My guess would have been about four or five, but twelve!? As he set about opening one box after another and pushing back the white tissue paper, I began to see that Rudy and I were about to have a major problem...After glancing down briefly into the open maw of each box, I finally found just one which contained a pair of loafers. Brown. Soft. Leather...I was hoping to God it was a pair in my size. The tension mounted. I thought, what the hell, go for broke, and kicked off my left Reebok too, boldly reaching into the loafer box and dragging out a complete pair of shoes!

As Rudy watched me with faded blue eyes, I slipped my feet into the shoes and held my breath. Oh my God! They fit! I was elated...No seriously folks, the loafers couldn't have fit me better if I had had them custom made for my feet. They were so comfortable that when I got up to give them a test drive it didn't even feel as if I had any shoes on at all....They were that soft...and brown...and leather...Perfect!

I only had to walk around in them for a few minutes before gleefully returning to my chair, placing them lovingly back into the box and then carrying them over to the check-out stand..Now you might think that this is where the story ends...Well no, there's one final part I'd like to add. A bit of advice if you're inclined to listen. And here it is....

Never, (and I say never in order to emphasize the tremendous importance of the advice I'm about to bestow upon you), never go into a shoe store and try on a pair of loafers with a thick pair of white cotton athletic socks on your feet. You'll understand the direction I'm going in with the next paragraph...

I took my new loafers home, unboxed them and layed them gently on the floor of my bedroom closet right next to my beat up pair of Ropers, and stood back to admire my hard earned prize. I was happy. I had my loafers, the air conditioning was drying the wet fringes of my hair and life was good. Tommorow was a work day, and I was going to go dressed California style, only slightly modified the Nick way!...A pair of khaki colored board shorts, a nice white button down shirt with the sleeves rolled half way up my arms, and my nice new pair of loafers without socks!...Brown...soft...leather...

*Happy grin* *Big sigh*

Next morning, after the usual 'get ready for work and then rush out the door' routine, I pulled into my parking space in front of the building and wrangled my briefcase, my kit bag, my morning newspaper and myself out of the car and hit "arm" button on the alarm controller...I was really rushing because I hadn't accounted for the extra traffic so I was about fifteen minutes late...This normally wouldn't be a major problem, except it was my day to open, so as I started up the long concrete ramp to the front door, there were eight pairs of pretty irritated eyes all glaring back down in my direction...

I quickened my pace so it looked as if I really gave a damn, when in fact I was actually just struttin' my new California-style macho self in front of a crowd of the front office gals...I mean hell, I was in shorts, in new loafers, with no socks, so surely a couple of them might be watching right? By this time my eyes were twinkling behind my Serengeti's as my feet traversed the smooth sunlit concrete, gliding smoothly yet surely along with over self-inflated male confidence...

I covered the first half of the impossibly long walkway without incident....I had even gotten a few scattered smiles from the girls as I looked up at an imaginary "something" in the bright blue morning sky just to add that extra touch of Miami-Vice type coolness for effect...

And that's when it happened....

My right foot did something so completely alien that to this day I still can't explain what happened...But it just sort of did this little stutter thingy as the tip of the shoe hit a little grassy crack in the cement and I felt myself stumble...It wouldn't have been so bad, I actually could have made a joke out of it and still maintained my coolness...Except at the same instant my left foot decided it didn't want to play either, and zigged in the opposite direction...For a split second I felt like Walt Disney's Goofy as my arms with everything tightly clutched went pinwheeling around like helicopter blades, and the forward momentum carried me about two feet farther up the walkway...

I didn't realize anything extraordinary had happened until I heard the soft titter of feminine laughter coming from up near the front door...I stopped dead in my tracks...The titter turned into a full spread of unchecked giggling and one of them just started to point...I looked down and did a quick check of myself...Ok, everything seemed to be intact...Nothing was hanging out or flapping or anything, and I still had all my gear with me...So what the hell was so funny!?

But one of them was still pointing and I felt a sudden flush of heat rise up into my face...Ok come on now, I thought with embarrassment, I'd already did the quick once over and everything was ok, so what in the hell was she pointing at!?

And that's when I felt the slight burn of hot cement under my bare feet...

Oh shit...bare feet!?...Where the fuck were my new loafers!?...I didn't want to look behind me because I already knew what I'd see...But it was inevitable...I had to look...It was one of those moments when all coolness is completely stripped away and you realize in that split second of time that you've made a complete and utter ass out of yourself...Taking in a long, ragged, resigned breath, I let my body slump forward and turned my head slowly to glance over my left shoulder...

There sat my brand new loafers with no one inside them...side by side...in perfect formation, as if I'd just set them down for a bit to soak up a little sun...

I was crestfallen...Whatever image I was trying to go for had suddenly been yanked rudely away and I felt like a kid who's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar right before dinner...I just stared down at my loafers with no emotion whatsoever on my face...

Soft...Brown...Leather...Empty...

Gales of laughter now echoed around the buildings and spilt the clear morning air like a gaggle of hens at a corn feeder...There was nothing left for me to do...And so, trying to pull back my shoulders as if I'd meant to trip right out of my own shoes, I walked slowly the rest of the way up to the front door and used my key to open it...All of the still laughing minions filed in cept one...It was the receptionist Lisa whose eyes I met as I raised my head in shameful resignation...

She managed to brush away the lingering smile on her face before giving me a solemn, understanding look...She waited a beat and then cleared her throat discreetly...

"Uh, Nick?..." asked Lisa as gently as she could, "are you gonna like...uh...go back and get your shoes, or what?"

I nodded my head sagely and thinned my lips with quiet, resolute determination.

"Yep." I replied, casting my eyes down one last time at my bare feet. "Yep I am Lisa."

"Uh. If you like ah, want me to go get them...uh...I can."

I shook my head slowly, wiggling my toes to make sure this all wasn't just a bad dream.

"Nope." I replied, unable to look her in the eyes. "Nope. I'll go back and get them myself."

"Are ya sure?"

"Yeah." I said with long an exhalation of breath. "Yeah I'm sure, Lisa. Thank you anyway."

"Positve?"

"Positive." I replied.

With that, Lisa turned, pulled open the door and was gone, leaving me alone with no shoes on my feet and my face as red as a beet...

A few seconds passed before I turned around and went back down the ramp for my new loafers...Soft...Brown...Leather...Empty...The shoes with no one inside them...They were loose enough for me to just slip my feet in without even having to try, and I decided right then and there to never, ever try on shoes I intended to wear without socks on, with socks on...

I went back that same day after work of course and exchanged them for a size smaller...Rudy yelled loudly that he thought I said they'd fit just fine!!! But I was much too embarrassed to tell him that I was stupid enough to try them on while wearing a thick pair of gym socks...I bought the replacement pair home and I've been wearing them without socks for a few weeks now and they fit me perfectly...I haven't managed to step out of them once...

So the moral of the story is? Do not go to try on a pair of loafers you're planning to wear without socks whilst wearing the thickest pair of white gym socks you own...

Enough said...

Angel Intervention

2008-09-11T13:56:21Z

Picture courtesy of Luis Royo

And so today is another day...the sun came up in the usual way, and slashed across my eyes like a razor blade...Should I open them wide? Or simply turn away from the light and go back to sleep? Nothing seems right anymore...Nothing seems sane, or good, or normal...

But then what accounts for normal in my world would make most people run screaming out into the dark, rainy night with their nightmares chasing right behind them...My nightmares come in, sit down and want to have tea....I entertain them as best I can, but you know nightmares have a way of always ruining a good party...

I never knew, or never thought I should say, that people could be so damned mean, but they can you know...and when you least expect it too...You go through life wearing rose colored glasses thinking everything is fine, when suddenly it hits you...That's when you know you've been living a lie and it hurts like hell doesn't it? To think you've been so incredibly stupid and naive for so long...That you actually thought they cared when all along it was just one big three ring circus...

That's when the nightmares come calling...night after night after night...They don't even bother to knock, they simply show up unannounced like party crashers and lay about the place sucking up all your energy until you're completely drained and spent, then still they want more...Nightmares are never satisfied, never sated or properly fed...and they're greedy little bastards too...Leeching all the life out of you until there's nothing left but pain and disappointment...But you still keep that smile painted on now don't you? Still open the door and allow them access into your soul...And then what do they do? Demand more like greedy children who've eaten all the candy and still beg for just one more piece...

Just one more piece and we'll go...we promise! So we've drank every drop and left the punch bowl empty...Now we're tipping it to our heads to suck dry the last drop and hand it back to you clean as a whistle...You know how we are, nothing is ever enough for us...Did you say you could open a vein? That would be delightful! These vampires of the soul seem to say....Then yes, open a vein and let us gather round to partake...It's been so long since we've been fed properly and we're famished...Would you mind awfully much if we went for your throat? It's so open and exposed now and we've caught you unawares so be still won't you? Be still now and let us drink of your essense...

Silly man...did you think we would leave you for good? You should know us much better by now...

I'm tired and spent and there's nothing left...and still they won't leave me alone...Won't leave me in peace, not ever...So I gather them to me like loved ones and pat each of them on the head, hoping against hope that they'll just leave me be for a while...But I know that they won't...They'll come calling the moment I close my eyes...come stealing into my subconcious like wizened up gnomes to pick and tear at my flesh...I hate them...And still they keep right on coming...in wave after wave after wave...Giving me not a moment's rest, not a moment's peace or freedom...And I keep right on letting them in...Night after night after endless night...

What made me think they would simply vanish with the dawn? Where did I get such a stupid idea in my head? To think that I'd be safe from them once I've opened my eyes to the sunlight? They're still here, still lurking somewhere in the shadows, just there, behind that dresser...or there, in that corner behind the chair...I can still see them, they're not fooling anyone, least of all me...I can recognize them even better when I'm awake...At least now I can recognize them for what they are and they're not assaulting me under the innocuous guise of a pleasant dream...

They do that you know, nightmares do...They come at you dressed in something pretty with insipid smiles on their faces and their hats in their hands, showering you with compliments and pleasantries, gaining your trust, easing your mind...making you think things are ok in this dark, dreary world called Nightmare Alley...And that's when they get you...when you least expect it...That's when the facade slips off and you begin to see them for what they truly are...That's when the screaming starts...the running through thick, sticky mud to try and escape them but getting nowhere fast...the recognition that nothing you do will set you free...and you're caught in their clutches for another evening of dark fun and sick entertainment...

And now it is dawn, and the light slashes across your eyes like a razor blade...A finely honed knife of sadness and despair...And what do you have to show for your effort? A languishing prison within your own mind...with chains on the walls and filth on the floor and a nagging sense of yourself that never seems to go away no matter how hard you try...Is this how it will be forever? For the rest of your unnatural life? To pray for the dawn and then shun it because it's brought you back into reality?

This is what it's like to be haunted....for days and weeks without end...where no one can touch you, comfort you, ease that tortured, twisted thing you laughingly refer to as your mind...But it's all good...Things will be fine for a while in the light...but only for a while...because later on they'll come back again...They always do...They'll clutch and claw at you with dirty, broken, ragged nails and throw you back into those chains...back into that prison...Back into that dark, fetid place you call sleep...laughing all the while at your cries, your tears, your pleas for just one peaceful night of uninterrupted rest...

Such is the life of a dreamer...of a wearer of rose colored glasses, and hopes and desires that will never be fulfilled...Such is the life of me...

What I need, is some angel intervention....