"I just thought" vs "I happen to know"
I'm not always a genius. I have issues. I have gaps in my knowledge/expertise. I make mistakes, and I have really epically strange luck. Plus I'm in a business that is difficult, fickle, complicated, and rife with a subjectivity that is way beyond my control. I suffer from setbacks seen and unforeseen.
Through it all, I'm constantly offered advice and help from well-meaning friends. I and my weird, knotty life, seem to be an advice magnet. People see my struggles and they just can't wait to say something that starts with "Why don't you just.."
It even happens when someone asks me "Is there anything I can do to help?" and I say "Um, the most helpful things anyone can do for me are the basic things any performer needs: people to show up at my shows, people to bring folks to hear me play, people to buy my CDs, stuff like that. Those are the most helpful things anyone can do for me." I try to say it early and often, but more often than not, folks will fast forward past that part so that they can get to the point where they tell me some bit of advice that usually begins with "Why don't you just..."
This happens a lot. I hear it from many people- a lot. It gets on my nerves - sometimes, a lot. It bothers me enough that when I'm even a little bit stressed, I'm less than diplomatic with the folks who do it, especially with the ones who do it a lot. That's sad for both them and for me, because, more often than not, they really do mean well and really do wish me well and they are my friends and I love them and they love me too. And so to you folks whom I've snapped at when you were just trying to help, I'm sorry.
Nonetheless, I'd like this dynamic to change. I don't want people to have to endure my frustrated growling and hissing when they say "Why don't you just (do this thing I'm ALREADY doing or know won't work or know isn't applicable, or or or)
Folks, I need you to start believing me when I *tell* you what would be helpful to me. I live in me and in my world, and have for over half a century. I have a decent idea what works so far. And I'm very familiar with all the ways that don't work.
But it's also true that I need help. I need leads and advice, and even knowledge regarding my craft. I'm in a very frustrating phase of my career lately and there are things that I'm sure will help me move past it, that I need to know and don't happen to know. I NEED advice.
But I need good advice, advice that actually applies to me and to my strengths. It can't be yet another version of "Why don't you just..." that tells me more about what someone doesn't know, than it tells me about something that I don't know. Which brings me to a specific, but pretty generalisable example of what I'm talking about in the title of this entry.
Sometimes (either diplomatically or with varying degrees of surliness), I've asked people why they think that what I should "just do" will help, the answer I get is "Well, I just thought..." And all too often they base what they "just think" on incomplete info or even pure conjecture.
When I compare that to the advice/help/suggestions that HAVE been helpful; the ones that led me to developmental epiphanies, or more/better work for me, there is an *actual* difference in how the advice/help/suggestion is delivered. It's not just the wording of the suggestion though, it's the *content* behind it that counts. The key phrase:
"I happen to know..."
Here's a contrasting example:
WHY DON'T YOU JUST....
"Hey Maug, if you want to play in bars/restaurants, why don't you just call some up and get yourself booked?"
(Reality: I do. It's not an easy process. More often than not you need some way in *past* the dozens of others who are competing. Even if you are better than some of them, the owner of the venue will prefer a known quantity, because their business even for one night- is at stake)
vs
I HAPPEN TO KNOW...
"Hey, Maug, you remember my friends (xxxxxx)? They're openning a restaurant and I happen to know they want live music. I bet they'd love to hear from you.
(Reality: This isn't paraphrased very much from an actual conversation that led to the best restaurant booking I've ever enjoyed. It lasted two seasons, led to other bookings, made me new friends, and expanded me professionally as an artist and as a working artist.)
So, if you've read this far, thanks.
And if you're wondering if I'm looking for career advice, yes, I am.
But if you're about to jump in with a sentence that starts with "Why don't you just..." please reconsider.
If you have some intel, or knowledge that you think I can use, check and see if it can start with the phrase "I happen to know..."
Sadly, I'm still likely to get a lot of data that won't be very useful. But maybe, MAYBE this can help people self-sort out conjecture from what could prove to be an actual puzzle piece.
And reiterating this one more time can't hurt:
Seriously, the singularly most useful, helpful thing you can do for me and my career, is to show up for my gigs, buy my CDs and bring new people to my shows. It's the very first item on my wishlist, and I mean my Master Wishlist.
Through it all, I'm constantly offered advice and help from well-meaning friends. I and my weird, knotty life, seem to be an advice magnet. People see my struggles and they just can't wait to say something that starts with "Why don't you just.."
It even happens when someone asks me "Is there anything I can do to help?" and I say "Um, the most helpful things anyone can do for me are the basic things any performer needs: people to show up at my shows, people to bring folks to hear me play, people to buy my CDs, stuff like that. Those are the most helpful things anyone can do for me." I try to say it early and often, but more often than not, folks will fast forward past that part so that they can get to the point where they tell me some bit of advice that usually begins with "Why don't you just..."
This happens a lot. I hear it from many people- a lot. It gets on my nerves - sometimes, a lot. It bothers me enough that when I'm even a little bit stressed, I'm less than diplomatic with the folks who do it, especially with the ones who do it a lot. That's sad for both them and for me, because, more often than not, they really do mean well and really do wish me well and they are my friends and I love them and they love me too. And so to you folks whom I've snapped at when you were just trying to help, I'm sorry.
Nonetheless, I'd like this dynamic to change. I don't want people to have to endure my frustrated growling and hissing when they say "Why don't you just (do this thing I'm ALREADY doing or know won't work or know isn't applicable, or or or)
Folks, I need you to start believing me when I *tell* you what would be helpful to me. I live in me and in my world, and have for over half a century. I have a decent idea what works so far. And I'm very familiar with all the ways that don't work.
But it's also true that I need help. I need leads and advice, and even knowledge regarding my craft. I'm in a very frustrating phase of my career lately and there are things that I'm sure will help me move past it, that I need to know and don't happen to know. I NEED advice.
But I need good advice, advice that actually applies to me and to my strengths. It can't be yet another version of "Why don't you just..." that tells me more about what someone doesn't know, than it tells me about something that I don't know. Which brings me to a specific, but pretty generalisable example of what I'm talking about in the title of this entry.
Sometimes (either diplomatically or with varying degrees of surliness), I've asked people why they think that what I should "just do" will help, the answer I get is "Well, I just thought..." And all too often they base what they "just think" on incomplete info or even pure conjecture.
When I compare that to the advice/help/suggestions that HAVE been helpful; the ones that led me to developmental epiphanies, or more/better work for me, there is an *actual* difference in how the advice/help/suggestion is delivered. It's not just the wording of the suggestion though, it's the *content* behind it that counts. The key phrase:
"I happen to know..."
Here's a contrasting example:
WHY DON'T YOU JUST....
"Hey Maug, if you want to play in bars/restaurants, why don't you just call some up and get yourself booked?"
(Reality: I do. It's not an easy process. More often than not you need some way in *past* the dozens of others who are competing. Even if you are better than some of them, the owner of the venue will prefer a known quantity, because their business even for one night- is at stake)
vs
I HAPPEN TO KNOW...
"Hey, Maug, you remember my friends (xxxxxx)? They're openning a restaurant and I happen to know they want live music. I bet they'd love to hear from you.
(Reality: This isn't paraphrased very much from an actual conversation that led to the best restaurant booking I've ever enjoyed. It lasted two seasons, led to other bookings, made me new friends, and expanded me professionally as an artist and as a working artist.)
So, if you've read this far, thanks.
And if you're wondering if I'm looking for career advice, yes, I am.
But if you're about to jump in with a sentence that starts with "Why don't you just..." please reconsider.
If you have some intel, or knowledge that you think I can use, check and see if it can start with the phrase "I happen to know..."
Sadly, I'm still likely to get a lot of data that won't be very useful. But maybe, MAYBE this can help people self-sort out conjecture from what could prove to be an actual puzzle piece.
And reiterating this one more time can't hurt:
Seriously, the singularly most useful, helpful thing you can do for me and my career, is to show up for my gigs, buy my CDs and bring new people to my shows. It's the very first item on my wishlist, and I mean my Master Wishlist.
