| Mistakes? | |||
| 7:55pm April 8th,2007 | |||
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i don't think so. i regret nothing, except that it didn't seem to mean much. but maybe it did, maybe i'm just being pessimistic. she said something that freaked me out, in that "what the fuck? that's cool . . . i guess" kind of way. i made some smart-ass reply to a serious question, and she totally ran with it. I wonder if she even remembers. mmmmm . . . . fuck. |
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| scared | |||
| 5:50pm August 5th,2006 | |||
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i'm scared i'm scared that this girl that says that she loves me actually does. i'm scared that i'll never love her in return i'm scared that the person i can't stop thinking about doesn't give a damn i'm scared that i'll never be a father i'm scared that the beswt orgasm i'll ever have came out of the end of a needle i'm scared that 20 years from now, i'll still be struggling to get by i'm scared that the greatest thing to ever happen to me went away because i told her i couldn't afford for her to live with me anymore i'm scared that i will always want dope, no matter how far behind me it is i'm scared that no cares i'm scared but i still keep on going |
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| the most awesomest thing ever!!!!! | |||
| 12:01pm June 11th,2006 | |||
| I have my own soda now!!! | |||
| Read 3 - Post | |||
| i'm just trying to get a nut | |||
| 6:58am June 6th,2006 | |||
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| alright, i was wrong, okay Emily? | |||
| 11:25pm May 30th,2006 | |||
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Ligers! Tigons! Bears! Oh MY!!! |
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| HA HA HA HA HA HA HA | |||
| 9:04pm May 24th,2006 | |||
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i don't want anyone to think that i didn't like Catherine McPhee or anything, but that half-talent, Elvis-butchering bimbo did not deserve to be American Idol. AND SHE'S NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah oh, and congrats, Taylor! |
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| i wanna kitty | |||
| 10:21pm May 23rd,2006 | |||
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| it really is true | |||
| 8:39pm April 26th,2006 | |||
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man, i wanted so badly to believe that it couldn't be . . . well, monkey, congratulations. you deserve all the love in the world, i just wish i could have given it to you. |
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| i did this | |||
| 6:09pm April 12th,2006 | |||
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| fucking ligers | |||
| 2:27pm March 26th,2006 | |||
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ligers!! that's not a goddamn word!! there's no such thing!! i mean, come on, are ligers more stripier than lions, and less stripier than tigers? what the fuck?!?!?!? |
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| Read 2 - Post | |||
| The Spectrum, Part 1: The Red | |||
| 6:51pm March 14th,2006 | |||
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i remember. i can't ever forget. i was 12, and we were on the way to Yellowstone National Park. two days in the car, surrounded by i father that had abandoned me for drugs, a step- brother that i really had nothing in common with, and a step-mother that i hated with a fiery passion. but it wasn't so bad, because i least i wasn't at home, getting beaten for things i didn't do, or hearing it happen to my mother, too. i was reading Desperation by Stephen King, where an ancient evil spirit named Tak was possessing a cop in this little shithole town called Desperation, Nevada. Tak was evil, but damn, he had a certain feral style that i just loved. he didn't care who he hurt (our main characters) or killed (everyone else), and i remember wishing i could be like that. Evil without consequence, unless God himself took a hand. i was angry a lot back then, filled with blinding rage more and more, but too small or scared to do anything about it. even i couldn't take myself seriously . . . who's gonna be afraid to piss off Little Jeremy Green? nobody. but what if i could be somebody else? someone like Tak? someone who said things like, "you have the right to remain silent, anything you bray will be abused against you in a sort of caw." someone, i thought, cooler and stronger than me, better than i could ever be. he'd have to have a cooler name than me, that's for sure (i hated the name Jeremy even then, and it only got worse after Pearl Jam came out with that fucking stupid-ass song. grrrrrrrr . . . FUCK PEARL JAM!!) and i really liked my middle name, Ryan. and a different last name, for sure. but what? a sign that was falling to pieces on the side of the road read Schlumb__ger's Roads_d_ R__taurant, and i had it. Ryan Taurant. god, i thought that sounded cool. Ryan was the kind of guy i wished i was: smart, funny, good-looking, self-confident, strong, capable, and (most importantly) free in all the ways that i was not. he said what he wanted to say, and did what he wanted to do, and no one, not even God, could stop him. he and i shared only one thing: anger. but he could (and would) do something about it, unlike me. he would fight back, fight dirty, fight everyone. my hero, everything i wanted to be. Ryan Taurant. i wrote the name down in a notebook. just once, at the top of a page. Ryan Taurant. i still have that notebook, too, under my bed. it's important to know where your problems started. after that, whenever i got angry enough, i would imagine that i became Ryan. i fought back, even when i should have backed down. i struck out at those that hurt me, blindsided them with malicious and cold-hearted attacks on their emotions, their property, and their bodies. i began . . . feeding him. that's the only word for it. i found new things to be pissed about, and gave that to Ryan. i got angry all over again about things long since scabbed over, and fed the rage to him like you would toss a steak to a Doberman. and like a dog, he started to come to me when i called. all i had to do was think it, and i became this quivering ball of spite and anger, seeing red, ready to take on the world and anyone that got in my way. then one day, when i was 17, just before i started my Senior year, right after a trip to Disneyland with my family (mom and shit-head and shit-head jr.) it happened. . . i heard the asshole that had been beating me (or trying to) for the last 12 years hit my mother. and it was the last straw. i lost it. i didn't embrace Ryan, i was swallowed whole by the beast i had created. and it landed me in jail. now, i've been to jail my fair share since then, but that was the first time, and it scared me. the only white guy in a cell block of 30, i suddenly felt very alone. i had locked Ryan away, chained the doors and thrown away the key, and i wasn't about to let him out again, not so soon. so i was, truly, alone. even in my own head. everything turned out alright, and i was out of there before the night was over, but it really scared me. and Ryan remained locked up, pushed away. and i realized, for the first time, that i didn't need to be Ryan. it turned out that i was cool, and that if people didn't think so, well, fuck 'em. and i didn't need to be angry. or, at least, i didn't need to show it. i could do so much with a calm tone and cool gaze than ranting and screaming ever achieved. who needed to see red, when the whole world belonged to Mr. Green? all i had to do was keep the beast in his cage . . . |
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| some interesting facts | |||
| 9:50pm March 13th,2006 | |||
| ( Chuck NorrisCollapse ) | |||
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| oh, yeah . . . | |||
| 7:49pm February 11th,2006 | |||
| holy shit!! i got my 360 on wednesday, and Dead or Alive 4 and Condemned: Criminal Origins, and omfg, this thing is the shit!! that's all i really have to say about it. | |||
| Read 3 - Post | |||
| _______ of the week (cause i don't do this everyday anymore) | |||
| 2:20pm January 29th,2006 | |||
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quote: All I have in this world is my balls and my word and I don't break them for no one. - Al Pacino as Tony Montana in Scarface fact: Taiwan has successfully bred green swine by injecting a fluorescent green protein into embryonic pigs. site: http://www.trojanvibratingring.com/organ/recorder.asp song: Coming Undone - Korn movie: Shaolin Soccer game to beat: XB Conker: Live and Reloaded game just beaten: XB Mechassault 2: Lone Wolf word: eldritch - weird, eerie |
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| for Em | |||
| 9:58am January 28th,2006 | |||
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screw taking shots out of someone's bellybutton! |
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| Read 1 - Post | |||
| last knight | |||
| 12:43pm January 2nd,2006 | |||
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i hear it, over and over, everywhere, from more people everyday. Chivalry is dead, they say. you can't just go around giving freely of yourself, because people are stupid, and worthless, and always let you down. don't get attached, don't love, don't care . . . you're only going to get hurt. Chivalry is dead and you know, these people are right. i know that they're right. everyone i have ever loved has let me down. everyone i have ever trusted has hurt me. no one i have ever cared about has bothered to care back. i have given more than i should have, time and again, never asking for anything in return, but always getting pain in large bunches. Chivalry is dead but i refuse to believe it. i can't. it's not the way i'm built. so, despite the thousand times that i've been burned, and hurt, and pushed aside once whoever i was helping no longer needed me, i continue to be this way. i will always be this way. i just drove out to BumFuck, Texas not once, but twice (i got lost the first time) to "save" a friend that asked for my help. i took her away from the shithole she was stuck in, brought her to Houston to start fresh, away from everything. she just walked away, and left me so worried that my chest hurt, only to show up somewhere else and saying she doesn't want to talk to me. and i know that i brought this on myself. she got what she wanted out of me, and then left. not a word of thanks, not even a goodbye. i am Jack's Broken Heart . . . but i'd do it again, because i believe i did the right thing. you can call me a fool, or an idiot, or a fucking moron, and i'll be right there with you. but i would still do it again. i will still treat every woman like a lady, hold the door for anyone that is coming the other way, and say "please" and "thank you." and i will still go out of my way to help the people i care about, whether they care or not. Chivalry is dead? maybe to you, but never for me. |
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| 5:58pm December 29th,2005 | |||
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Hey! Come outside! I can't! I'm playing Nut! But there's Portable Nut! What?!? Yeah! It's Nut you can play outside! |
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| Factotum by Charles Bukowski (the biggest waste of my time ever) | |||
| 6:50pm December 23rd,2005 | |||
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okay, so i got this book because it's the book for next month's Dystopian Book Club meeting. i want my money back. this was the worst, most horrible, disgustingly stupid piece of "literature" i have ever read. let me see if i can paraphrase: i lost my job, so i moved to a different city. i was broke, so i had to get a job. i lost my job, so i moved to a different city. i drank, and i fucked somebody. i lost my job, so i moved to a different city. i drank a lot, and fucked somebody. some rich guy died. i drank a lot, and i fucked somebody. i got a new job, and then i lost it because i was drinking at work. i got another job, then quit. i drank alot, and i fucked somebody. then i lost my job, so i moved to a different city. the end. that's it. that's all. unless i was severely missing some point that the author was trying to make, it was 90 pages of bullshit. i'm so mad that i wasted something like 6 hours of my life reading this drivel. |
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| Read 5 - Post | |||
| 2:21pm December 9th,2005 | |||
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| 5:48pm December 2nd,2005 | |||||
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mrgreen |
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