A Haiku games to prepare the mind（『ココロトトノウ、俳句ごっこ』⑤）：“Learning to See the Seasons Through Haiku”

“Back in 2022, I still hadn’t realized that I was being kept alive by nature itself.”

4. I Learned, I Discovered, I Grew!

Here, I will share my exchanges with my mentor regarding feedback throughout 2022.

First up is the feedback I received on May 13.

(Overall Comments) For now, don’t worry about sticking to fixed or free verse forms. I will sort them out for you. Eventually, you should come to understand the difference.

　　　Gazing at the mountain with the naked eye,
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　I soak my eyes as if in a hot spring　

“With the naked eye” means seeing without glasses. In short, you “saw the mountain.” Therefore, “with the naked eye” is unnecessary.

　　　Gazing at the mountain,
　　　　　　　　　　　I soak my eyes like in a hot spring

　This haiku lacks a seasonal word. If you add a seasonal word, it becomes a fine standard-form haiku.

　　　Gazing at the spring mountain,
　　　　　　　　　　　　I soak my eyes like in a hot spring

　Next, “spring mountain” implies the result of having seen it. Therefore, “gazing at” is unnecessary.

　　　Soaking my eyes in the spring mountain as if in a hot spring

It has become a metaphorical haiku: soaking my eyes in the spring mountain as if I were in a hot spring. Let’s move on.

　　　Savoring the fresh greenery with Green Gum (brand name)

It’s colloquial and has an extra syllable, but it’s okay. To make it more formal:

　　　I savored the fresh greenery with Green Gum

Furthermore:

　　　I savored the fresh greenery with Green Gum

　I used the old kana system. See you next time.

◇ 　　◇　　　◇

　The second installment returns on June 17th. It’s an early summer haiku.

　　　Peeling a summer mandarin,
　　　　　　　　　　　　the scent tickles my nostrils

　It follows the standard haiku form. In this case, it’s about word order.

　　　The summer mandarin my mother peels tickles my nose

　And here is a haiku about the “rainy season.”

　　　The rainy season has begun,
　　　　　　　　　　　　　my body creaks,
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　so I get a massage

To explain this haiku: “Perhaps because the rainy season has begun (due to high humidity), my body creaks all over. So I went for a massage.” Haiku like this are called “therefore haiku” and are rather prosaic. You should choose to either describe “the start of the rainy season” and “my creaking body,” or “the start of the rainy season” and “the massage.”

　　　Perhaps because the rainy season has begun,
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　my body creaks

Personify it.

　　　As the rainy season begins,
　　　　　　　　　　　　　my body creaks

And then,

　　　The rainy season deepens;
　　　　　　　　　　　　a massage again today,
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　starting in the morning

When you feel like composing a haiku, first tune in and look for a subject (preferably a seasonal word). If it’s morning glories, look at morning glories; if it’s the rainy season, look at a rainy scene and compose. Just like painting, try to sketch from life. All right, keep up the good work and please send me your next one.

◇ 　　◇　　　◇

　Next is a certain day in August.

　　　On a sweltering day,
　　　　　　　　　　my appetite craves somen noodles

　If this were free-form haiku,

　　　On a sweltering day,
　　　　　　　　　　　I slurp somen noodles

　would be fine. Now, in the case of standard form, “somen” is a seasonal word associated with “cold somen” or “flowing somen.” In other words, it refers to how we eat it as a way to cope with the hot summer. This haiku simply mentions “somen,” but it’s composed with “cold somen” as the underlying premise. So, based on the original:

　　　On a sweltering day,
　　　　　　　　　　　cold somen whets the appetite　　

　It’s a clear haiku, but “sweltering day” and “cold somen” overlap as seasonal words. Since this haiku should highlight the somen, we’ll find a word to replace “sweltering day.”

　　　Cold somen noodles whet the appetite of a weary stomach

Moving on. The topic is high school baseball.

　　　Turn on the TV:
　　　　　　　　High school baseball,
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　bottom of the ninth

This is a haiku about watching (or cheering for) high school baseball. Therefore, it doesn’t matter whether you’re watching at the stadium or on TV. In other words, there’s no need to mention “turn on the TV.” Essentially, you just need to describe the back-and-forth action in the bottom of the ninth.

　　　High School Baseball,
　　　　　　　　　　　Bottom of the Ninth

　This doesn’t convey what it’s about. “High school baseball” includes the Spring Invitational, so it doesn’t qualify as a seasonal word. In short, you should describe “the battle in the bottom of the ninth under the blazing sun.”

　　　The battle in the bottom of the ninth under the blazing sun

　Alternatively:

　　　The battle in the bottom of the ninth,
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　peaks of clouds　　　　　
　　　　　　　　　　　　(“Peaks of clouds” refers to cumulonimbus clouds)

　And furthermore:

　　　Bottom of the ninth,
　　　　　　　　　pitching and batting back and forth in the sweltering heat

　　　Baseball players, exhausted,
　　　　　　　　　　drenched in sweat and tears　　　
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　（“Sweat” is the seasonal word）

Next up is an ambitious piece about cell phones.

　　　“Sorry”—Even smartphones are sweating on this sweltering day

　Considering the recent cell phone signal outages, this makes sense. However, “sweating” and “sweltering day” are both seasonal words for summer. Here, it would be best to avoid this overlap of seasonal terms.

　This haiku uses “Sorry” to personify the smartphone, but let’s take the personification a step further.

　　　“Excuse me”—the smartphone takes a break from sweating

　　　“Excuse me”—the smartphone finally takes a break

　　　“Excuse me”—even the smartphone crashes in this scorching heat

　　　Overused smartphones crash in this scorching heat

　　　Overused smartphones go on strike in the sweltering heat

　　When writing haiku, don’t overthink things like, “I should write about this.”

　　Usually, start by finding a seasonal word. Then, simply attach what you felt or saw to it. For example, a beer hall or beer garden (though they’re becoming rarer these days…).

If you find yourself thinking, “I wish Mr. Kawamura would call and say, ‘Shall we head out soon?’” then,

　　　Waiting for a call from Mr. Beer Hall

…or something like that (lol). I want to go out for a drink, but with the pandemic, it’s hard to get out! Well then, see you later. I’ll be waiting.

◇ 　　◇　　　◇

　The feedback after autumn arrived came at the end of September.

　　　Gently downloading the sound of insects into my heart

　As a beginner, this passes for now. Don’t stop here—let’s move on to the next step.

　Adjectives that express emotion (happy, sad, gentle…) are very difficult to use because they state exactly what you want to say. So, let’s remove “gently.”

　　　The sound of insects gently downloads into my heart

“Tenchi-kun. Why does it gently download into your heart?”

“Because the sound of insects is gentle, and it soothes me.”

“Hmm. So that’s the meaning behind ‘gently into my heart,’ huh?”

　You can almost hear that conversation, can’t you? Next up is the cricket.

　　　The back door where I slept while listening to crickets

　This one’s okay.

　In my case, back in the day, the roundabout at JR Tokuyama Station was covered in grass. I remember once sleeping there until morning after getting drunk. The folly of youth.

　　　The roundabout where I slept while listening to crickets

　Now, next we have the bell cricket.

　　　The city smell completely washed away by the bell crickets

It might sound harsh, but

　　　The city smell completely washed away by soap

is no different. In other words, this haiku implies that the city smell was washed away because I listened to the bell crickets. So,

　　　Bell crickets, the city smell completely washed away

By replacing the “de” with the cutting syllable “ya,” we create a pause with “Bell crickets, ya.” While listening to that sound—while listening to the bell crickets—the “city smell” has vanished, and I find myself lost in reflection, thinking, “I’ve become completely country-like.” This is the effect of the “ya” as a cutting word.

(September Overall Review)

I think everything except the haiku “Nine Years Since Discharge” was good. You’re definitely making progress.

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#haiku #englishhaiku #mindfulness #mindpreparation #natureandlife #beingaliveinnature #mentalwellbeing #selfreflection #innerjourney #quietmind #healingwords #minimalpoetry #shortpoetry #japaneseculture #everydayrituals #mindandnature #haikugames #poetrypractice #mentalhealthjourney #8050life #Shunan City #note english version

※ユーチューブでも「俳句ごっこ」

　🔗 中国新聞「心のリハビリ、自由律俳句で」（2021）

Translated with DeepL.com (free version)

Translated with DeepL.com (free version)