*Stigma – Chapter XXV “Love Heavier Than the Earth”* Victorian‑Style English Translation ✦

It was a wise decision to secure a clue beforehand; from that single thread, the man’s entire nature unraveled, laid bare with almost indecent ease.

His true name is not Umemoto Rui. It is Akagi Rui.

His dwelling lies upon the second floor of an old apartment on the outskirts of town. Even the pattern upon the laundry matched— those garments were his, beyond any doubt.

His vehicle, a red Prado, is tended with meticulous care, serviced every six months with a diligence that borders upon ritual. From the location of that workshop, I traced the orbit of his life: Hidaka, Kawagoe, Tokorozawa, Ikebukuro, Shinjuku. He journeys into the city for work; on holidays, he retreats toward the mountains. The lonely trajectory of a solitary man.

His traces upon the internet remain locked and abandoned, like chambers sealed after a death. Few friends, fewer connections. A lonely man is easily cornered.

…It is laughable, Louis, how utterly naked you stand before me. Even if you choose silence, I possess countless means to make you “speak.”

Tell me, Louis— you have underestimated me far too greatly.

I have striven, always, to become stronger.

And why? Because of something long past— yet I recall it as though it occurred only yesterday.

Childhood memories may be trifles, but on the day my soul was split clean in two, my mother was cradling me in her arms.

I wept because I was forever feverish, forever losing every contest, forever weak— and the shame of it, the sorrow of it, pressed upon my small heart until it could scarcely bear the weight. Yet I believed— with the blind faith of a child— that my mother would forgive me all the same.

But she, wearied at last by my sobbing, spoke thus to the four‑year‑old boy I was:

“Your turn is spent. Had you not been the last, I would have borne you anew.”

I could not comprehend it then. That my gentle mother could utter such a thing. Yet after speaking that forbidden sentence, she held me close and indulged me endlessly, rocking me in her arms.

I trembled. I was afraid. I whispered again and again: I will be strong, Mama. Mama. Mama.

Is strength the price of love? If I do not become strong, will you cast me aside? Mama, forgive me— forgive me for making you say such words. Do not leave me. Mama. Mama.

I will try with all my might. What I cannot do today, I shall accomplish tomorrow. Only— Mama, I beg you.

Love me. Do not vanish from my world.

Return to the gentle mother you were.

Tell me it was a lie. Tell me you did not mean it.

See me— see my heart.

Do not drift away.

You are near, yet you are not here.

The mother of yesterday is gone.

Gone.

Help me.

Help me.

Someone—

someone.

I could bear it no longer. Within the circle of my mother’s arms, I screamed until my throat burned, flailing my small fists and striking against her as though the blows might undo the words she had spoken.

Such things ought never to be said. She had committed a trespass upon my soul— a sin against the child she held.

No words came. Only cries. Only the raw sound of a heart breaking.

And yet— and yet I pleaded with all the strength I possessed.

But my heart was not received. It was not gathered into her hands.

I was left alone in a darkened room, the door shut fast, unopened despite my sobbing.

I understood then that my weeping had been my fault— that tears were the crime. So I said I would not cry again, that I was sorry. And I was forgiven.

But— but even then, I think I had already begun to break.

The curse did not heal.

Those words shattered me. I came to believe that if I cried, I would be abandoned. So I resolved never to cry. I believed that unless I became strong, I would not be loved.

Since that day, I have clung to strength with desperate fervor— striving, striving, striving. And yet—

Louis, you are strong without striving at all.

Your body, your face, the line of your back, your heart— all of them possess a natural firmness, a quiet nobility. You are earnest, gentle, and extend your hand to anyone in need. Even Eiji holds you in esteem.

While I, no matter how I struggle, cannot reach the place where you have stood from the very beginning.

Do you understand how infuriating that is?

While I gnawed upon dry chicken breast, you devoured a steak with effortless satisfaction. When I paid two hundred and fifty thousand yen to mend my skin, Eiji merely asked, “Did you get a haircut?”

All my efforts are invisible.

And yet you dare to say, “I dislike this face,” “I cannot settle unless I wear makeup.”

Do not mock me. The things I have longed for— you cast them aside as though they were nothing.

The moment Eiji’s eyes turned toward you, my world collapsed. In all the years I have lived, never once has Eiji looked at me with such eyes.

Louis— you are a gentle and admirable man. You would say that you have given me no cause to hate you. You cannot fathom why I contend with you, why I struggle so fiercely, why I seek to stand above you with such desperate insistence.

You would tell me that there is no need for such stiffness of posture, that we might simply meet one another in a natural, unguarded manner. And you would be right— most eminently right, Lord Louis.

I, too, would wish to meet you naturally.

And yet I cannot.

Each time Eiji speaks your name, my very stomach tightens as though seized by a fist. You have done nothing wrong— nothing at all.

And still I hate you.

The reason is this: you shine. Louis, had you been a wretch— a man of refuse and ruin— I might have found ease, even comfort, in your presence.

Had you been unpleasant, slovenly, marked only by faults, slow of mind, and lacking in grace— then I could have forgiven you, befriended you, embraced you, and welcomed you as one of my own.

With a gentle smile, bright and warm as the sun.

But what is the truth? Your mere existence threatens me. Do not threaten me. Do not show me my own reflection. Do not expose my weakness. Do not cast me into the mire of self‑loathing.

Look only at me, Eiji. Hold respect only for me. Love only me.

…And yet.

Why must it be him? Why must it never be me? I love you still— and what is this cruelty you repay me with?

Answer me, Eiji. What do I lack? What sin is it, that you do not love me? I cannot reconcile it.

Am I mistaken? I cannot tell. Perhaps I am— and yet I believe myself to be right. I have no intention of bending my convictions now.

This is for the sake of protecting the one I love. Love is ever a form of justice. Love prevails in the end. Even the dramas proclaim it. I have always adored such dramas.

Love is justice, is it not? If not— then what am I?

Eiji, I shall save you. A champion of justice flies forth to rescue you in your hour of peril. For that purpose, I can do anything. Even the foulest means— I no longer care.

Am I a base criminal? Surely not. The one who intruded upon another’s path of love is the true sinner. And the right to judge the sinful belongs always to the righteous— to men such as I.

I am right. …No— I must be right.

It must be so— for if it is not, I am undone. I need someone to tell me I am right. Why do you remain silent, Eiji? What else could I have done but this?

Eiji— you did not look at me. You did not love me. You did not honor me.

And yet I love you still. If I now tread a path from which there is no return, you bear a portion of the blame.

Had you only loved me properly, I would never have come to this. So take responsibility, Eiji.

Eiji! You shall affirm my righteousness. Whatever you declare to be right is right entire. Is that not perfection?

I wished to believe that my logic held no fracture. Yet somewhere within me a heart that could not believe itself righteous continued to beat. I felt guilt. I could not lift my face to the sun. My mother’s and father’s faces rose before me. I never meant to make them weep. I wished to be called their proud son. The thought of disappointing them made my chest tremble.

But I cast off that fear. Reason no longer governed me. This— this was the single myth I required to restore the dignity that had been stolen from me. If only such a myth existed, I could become a god and affirm all that I am.

It had to be so.

Thus I banished all doubt. To believe myself righteous, I willed it— with all the force of my soul.

—If only he did not exist, all would be well.

Louis is evil. I am the one who judges.

Evil must perish. Watch me, Eiji— behold my mass, my gravity expanding without limit. Like wringing the sun as one wrings a cloth, I shall offer you his final moment.

All shall be mine— your suffering, your pleasure, your hope, your joy, your sorrow, your anger— your entire lives. I shall swallow them whole, crush them to dust, and draw them into myself. And then I shall become you both.

The world shall be united by love.

Love is all.

I am the incarnation of love. The world moves by my love, and turns by my love.

Then surely happiness must follow. To surrender one’s life for love— what greater ecstasy could there be?

Do not resist. Do not defy me.

Do not attempt your petty cleverness. This is the law of the world, as irrevocable as water spilled from a bowl that can never be returned. You are aberrations that disturb the order.

And aberrations exist only to vanish from my world.

Yet I am no demon. I shall grant you one final chance.

Louis. Eiji. For the sake of love— become me.

And in doing so, redeem my soul.

Love is heavier than the earth, is it not? Then show me— show me the weight you possess. I shall crush it to pulp and measure it within the embrace of my love.

Ha—ha—ha—ha—ha—ha—ha—ha—ha!

I laughed, together with the phantom Eiji who stood beside me.

“Final stage, Masa! You are my sun—always, always you have shone upon me. The wicked one is Louis. If he dares to call himself the sun, then he must be crushed. For there can be only one sun in the heavens.”

“Precisely. We have no need for two. I was the sun for Eiji. What right has that man to appear upon the stage? It is an affront.”

“Is it not so? Truly, it is so. Listen, Masa— your radiance is beautiful. The blue of Cherenkov light, that annihilates all living things, glows as it dyes me through and through. I wish to be the star that belongs to you. Even if every creature should perish beneath the light you cast, even if all should one day be destroyed, it matters not. For that is the desire of all. I, too—like all others— wish to remain forever at your side, the single beautiful blue star of the cosmos, turning beside you for eternity.”

“They all wish to die, then. Just like me.”

“Everyone desires it. You understand, don’t you? To live is to suffer. Let us release them from that suffering. It is for their sake. Shine more brightly—more deeply blue— for the sake of all the poor souls. Your light is righteous. It is the light of love and justice. You cannot be mistaken, and therefore you need not repent. Indeed, you must not stop. You understand.”

“I feel nothing but sympathy. I understand you completely, Eiji.”

“You shall save the world. Please— lead our souls beneath the banner of love. Save the world, save the cosmos, and in our final cries, shine from within, glowing amidst the storm of gravity. You can do it now. I believe in you, Masa— for you will save us all. How joyous. We shall go to heaven.”

“It’s all right. No one will be left alone. I will take everyone with me. I am kind, full of compassion, beloved by all. A star. No doubt about it, Eiji. A special tour indeed.”

“The celebration begins, Masa! It is a grand fête, is it not? I long to behold your radiance— I tremble with anticipation. Ah, how I adore you, Masa! Take me—take us all— to your resplendent stage! Let us sing the hymn of ruin together! Are you prepared? Surely the heavens themselves shall rise in ecstasy!”

“Of course I am, Eiji! With you beside me, I possess the strength of a hundred men! Let us lift our spirits high!”

Joy surged through me— wild, delirious, my veins aflame with unbridled adrenaline. My gravity waves, black as pitch, devoured the light of the stars. I could see it— I alone could see it.

I ran— straight toward Eiji. He was there. In the darkness, a vast sun blazed like a beacon.

It shone like a torch in the night, guiding me, glittering before me. It was Louis.

He had become a star of scorching fire, intent on shielding Eiji.

How insolent. I am the one who bears true light.

I shall teach him— teach him who is the star of rightful mass for Eiji.

The white car tore through the darkness of Nasu, rending the night asunder. My gravity waves would swallow the world— in the name of love.

I ran on. But the path I followed was nothing more than a road plunging headlong into the abyss— a descent toward my own ruin, as I would later come to understand.

In that moment, intoxicated by a false exaltation, I could foresee nothing of my future, nor imagine the misery that awaited my end.

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