Er...yes.
I blame Maggie. And the fact that I don't have Logic on Wednesdays.
Cut for blasphemy? I suppose. Though it's all in good fun.
Once upon a time, there was a kid named Jesus...
Jesus: Hey.
And this kid lived in Bethlehem, with his mom Mary and his step-daddy Joseph.
Joseph and Mary: Yup, he's our kid.
Jesus also happened to be THE SON OF GOD.
God: Yup, he's my kid.
One day when Jesus was eleven, he got a letter. From an owl.
Jesus: OMG ARE YOU AN ANGEL FROM THE LORD?!?!!?
Owl: ...
Jesus: OMG WHAT DOES MY FATHER WILL?????
:reads letter:
And, lo, this is what the letter said.
Letter: Dear, Jesus. Even though you aren't a wizard or a witch, you are the SON OF GOD, and that's pretty bitchin. So, we figured you might want to come to Hogwarts and learn all kinds of fun things. Give this letter back to Gabriel if you accept, and we'll see you in Scotland in 3 weeks. Love, Hogwarts.
Jesus: ...OMG THIS IS TOTALLY NOT IN ARAMAIC.
God: ...Damn. :transforms letter into Aramaic:
Jesus: OMG I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO READ ARAMAIC.
God: ...
Angel: :appears: Lo, Jesus, Son of God, I have been sent from Thine Father to translate thine's letter.
Jesus: ...k...
Angel: Basically, if you want to be cool you'll go to Scotland for seven years and learn all sorts of pagan magic bullshit.
Jesus: ...k...
And then the Angel went away, and Jesus went to tell his mother about the news.
Jesus: OMG MOM SO I TOTALLY WAS OUTSIDE AND THEN THIS ANGEL CAME AND SAID HEY AND GAVE ME THIS LETTER ABOUT LEARNING PAGAN BULLSHIT.
Mary: Whatever, kid.
Jesus: The funny thing is, though, that I am almost positive this school thing isn't supposed to be built until 1000 years after my death and resurrection or whatever. So, yeah. That's weird. I kind of don't want to go, because I hear in Scotland they make men wear dresses.
Mary: You're going.
Jesus: I don't want to. And, anyway, don't you think it's a good idea that I stay with my people for a few years before I start my ministry and godliness and all.
Mary: You're going.
Jesus: But-
Mary. IT"S GOD WILL!!!!!!!!
So, Jesus went. He put on his sandals and walked from Galilee to Scotland. Because he's Jesus and can do bitchin things like that.
Jesus: Well, here I am. Hey, Scotland.
Scotland: HEY.
Jesus: Look, that huge, imposing castle must be my new school.
Scotland: No, dude. That's just a Walmart. Your huge imposing castle is around the corner from there.
Jesus: Oh, thanks.
Hogwarts: :looms:
McGonagall: Hey, Jesus. So, you're late. Anyway, put this hat on your head so we can figure out where you're going to sleep.
Jesus: Aren't you...like...not supposed to be alive, yet?
McGonagall: OMG THREE THOUSAND POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN!
Jesus: I don't think I am in Slytherin yet.
McGonagall: OMG THREE THOUSAND MORE POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN!
Sorting Hat: Hey, Jesus.
Jesus: Hey.
Sorting Hat: Well, let's see here...you're not very sneaky. What with being God and all....so, no Slytherin. You're pretty brave...you could be super in Gryffindor...But Hufflepuff might be better. Very loyal, very hard-working. If you're smart you could be in Ravenclaw...
Jesus: OMG THE HAT IS TALKING WTF??
Sorting Hat: Hufflepuff it is then.
So, Jesus went to Hogwarts. He was pretty bitchin in Hufflepuff and excelled in his studies.
Like Charms...
Jesus: OMG LOOK I CAN TOTALLY WALK ON WATER!!!
Transfiguration...
Jesus: OMG WATER INTO WINE THIS IS TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE ME SO COOL WHEN I GET TO COLLEGE :guzzles:
Defense Against the Dark Arts...
Jesus; OMG SATAN YOU SO SUCK.
Satan: :dies:
Divination...
Jesus: OMG THE TEMPLE IS GOING TO BE DESTROYED IN THREE DAYS AND THEN IT IS GOING TO BE ALL NEW AND SHINY AGAIN!!
Arithmancy...
Jesus: OMG LOOK I TOTALLY TOOK THESE 2 FISH AND SEVEN LOAVES AND MADE ABOUT 4 MILLION OF EACH!!!
Care of Magical Creatures...
Jesus: OMG HEY UNICORN!
Unicon: OMG HEY JESUS!! YOU TOTALLY ROCK BECAUSE YOU LIKE, CREATED, THE WORLD!
Jesus made all sorts of friends...
Like, Peter, who was a Gryffindor...
Peter: Hey, Jesus!
Jesus: Hey, Peter! Want to walk around with me for, like, ever and then get crucified upside down because you love me so much?
Peter: OMG OKAY!!
Like James and John, the Gryffindor twins...
James and John: :random explosion: Tee hee hee.
Jesus: OMG IT MAKES NO SENSE FOR YOU TO HAVE RED HAIR BECAUSE YOU'RE ARABIC BUT YOU TOTALLY DO!
James and John: Tee hee.
Jesus: Want to be part of my cult of Jesus love?
James and John: Will there be explosions?
Jesus: ...sure...
James and John: OMG YES.
Lots more random other Apostles from the different houses...
And, one Slytherin. Judas Iscariot.
Judas: Hey, Jesus.
Dramatic Theme Music: :clashes menacingly:
Jesus: Hey, Judas. Want to be friends?
Judas: Ok.
Dramatic Theme Music: :DOOOOOOOOOOM:
Jesus: One thing, you can totally never betray me to my death for any amount of money.
Judas: Yeah, sure, totally. Come on, man. I would never do something like that for money. Sex, maybe. But not money.
Dramatic Theme Music: DOOOOOOOOOOOM SO MUCH DOOOOM:
Jesus also made a totally sweet friend named Mary Magdalene.
Mary Magdalene: Hey. :flashes breasts:
Mary Magdalene was more commonly known as the 'Gryffinwhore' and IN A COMPLETE COINCIDENCE she also was slutty.
Jesus: Hey, Mary. You want to give up your skanky ways and hang out with me?
Mary: Ooooookay.
Jesus: Neat.
Mary: ...
Jesus: ...
Mary: ...
Jesus: ...
Mary: ...want to go have sex?
Jesus: OMG OK!!!!!
Jesus and all of his buddies and Mary graduated from Hogwarts with flying colors.
Random Apostle # 4: Well, what are we going to do now?
Judas: Go to Disney World!
GOD: :smites Judas: DUDE YOU SUCK. BAD JOKE.
Judas; :is smote:
Jesus: Well, we could go back to Israel and save the Chosen People from sin.
Peter: Um...woo?
Jesus; OR WE COULD TAKE OFF IN A FLYING CONVERTIBLE AND SAIL OFF INTO THE SUNSET!!!!
Apostles and Mary: OMG LET'S DO IT!!!!!!!!!
And that's what they did.
Because apparently the ONLY word that's approprite for Jesus is 'bitchin.'
I blame Maggie. And the fact that I don't have Logic on Wednesdays.
Cut for blasphemy? I suppose. Though it's all in good fun.
Once upon a time, there was a kid named Jesus...
Jesus: Hey.
And this kid lived in Bethlehem, with his mom Mary and his step-daddy Joseph.
Joseph and Mary: Yup, he's our kid.
Jesus also happened to be THE SON OF GOD.
God: Yup, he's my kid.
One day when Jesus was eleven, he got a letter. From an owl.
Jesus: OMG ARE YOU AN ANGEL FROM THE LORD?!?!!?
Owl: ...
Jesus: OMG WHAT DOES MY FATHER WILL?????
:reads letter:
And, lo, this is what the letter said.
Letter: Dear, Jesus. Even though you aren't a wizard or a witch, you are the SON OF GOD, and that's pretty bitchin. So, we figured you might want to come to Hogwarts and learn all kinds of fun things. Give this letter back to Gabriel if you accept, and we'll see you in Scotland in 3 weeks. Love, Hogwarts.
Jesus: ...OMG THIS IS TOTALLY NOT IN ARAMAIC.
God: ...Damn. :transforms letter into Aramaic:
Jesus: OMG I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO READ ARAMAIC.
God: ...
Angel: :appears: Lo, Jesus, Son of God, I have been sent from Thine Father to translate thine's letter.
Jesus: ...k...
Angel: Basically, if you want to be cool you'll go to Scotland for seven years and learn all sorts of pagan magic bullshit.
Jesus: ...k...
And then the Angel went away, and Jesus went to tell his mother about the news.
Jesus: OMG MOM SO I TOTALLY WAS OUTSIDE AND THEN THIS ANGEL CAME AND SAID HEY AND GAVE ME THIS LETTER ABOUT LEARNING PAGAN BULLSHIT.
Mary: Whatever, kid.
Jesus: The funny thing is, though, that I am almost positive this school thing isn't supposed to be built until 1000 years after my death and resurrection or whatever. So, yeah. That's weird. I kind of don't want to go, because I hear in Scotland they make men wear dresses.
Mary: You're going.
Jesus: I don't want to. And, anyway, don't you think it's a good idea that I stay with my people for a few years before I start my ministry and godliness and all.
Mary: You're going.
Jesus: But-
Mary. IT"S GOD WILL!!!!!!!!
So, Jesus went. He put on his sandals and walked from Galilee to Scotland. Because he's Jesus and can do bitchin things like that.
Jesus: Well, here I am. Hey, Scotland.
Scotland: HEY.
Jesus: Look, that huge, imposing castle must be my new school.
Scotland: No, dude. That's just a Walmart. Your huge imposing castle is around the corner from there.
Jesus: Oh, thanks.
Hogwarts: :looms:
McGonagall: Hey, Jesus. So, you're late. Anyway, put this hat on your head so we can figure out where you're going to sleep.
Jesus: Aren't you...like...not supposed to be alive, yet?
McGonagall: OMG THREE THOUSAND POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN!
Jesus: I don't think I am in Slytherin yet.
McGonagall: OMG THREE THOUSAND MORE POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN!
Sorting Hat: Hey, Jesus.
Jesus: Hey.
Sorting Hat: Well, let's see here...you're not very sneaky. What with being God and all....so, no Slytherin. You're pretty brave...you could be super in Gryffindor...But Hufflepuff might be better. Very loyal, very hard-working. If you're smart you could be in Ravenclaw...
Jesus: OMG THE HAT IS TALKING WTF??
Sorting Hat: Hufflepuff it is then.
So, Jesus went to Hogwarts. He was pretty bitchin in Hufflepuff and excelled in his studies.
Like Charms...
Jesus: OMG LOOK I CAN TOTALLY WALK ON WATER!!!
Transfiguration...
Jesus: OMG WATER INTO WINE THIS IS TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE ME SO COOL WHEN I GET TO COLLEGE :guzzles:
Defense Against the Dark Arts...
Jesus; OMG SATAN YOU SO SUCK.
Satan: :dies:
Divination...
Jesus: OMG THE TEMPLE IS GOING TO BE DESTROYED IN THREE DAYS AND THEN IT IS GOING TO BE ALL NEW AND SHINY AGAIN!!
Arithmancy...
Jesus: OMG LOOK I TOTALLY TOOK THESE 2 FISH AND SEVEN LOAVES AND MADE ABOUT 4 MILLION OF EACH!!!
Care of Magical Creatures...
Jesus: OMG HEY UNICORN!
Unicon: OMG HEY JESUS!! YOU TOTALLY ROCK BECAUSE YOU LIKE, CREATED, THE WORLD!
Jesus made all sorts of friends...
Like, Peter, who was a Gryffindor...
Peter: Hey, Jesus!
Jesus: Hey, Peter! Want to walk around with me for, like, ever and then get crucified upside down because you love me so much?
Peter: OMG OKAY!!
Like James and John, the Gryffindor twins...
James and John: :random explosion: Tee hee hee.
Jesus: OMG IT MAKES NO SENSE FOR YOU TO HAVE RED HAIR BECAUSE YOU'RE ARABIC BUT YOU TOTALLY DO!
James and John: Tee hee.
Jesus: Want to be part of my cult of Jesus love?
James and John: Will there be explosions?
Jesus: ...sure...
James and John: OMG YES.
Lots more random other Apostles from the different houses...
And, one Slytherin. Judas Iscariot.
Judas: Hey, Jesus.
Dramatic Theme Music: :clashes menacingly:
Jesus: Hey, Judas. Want to be friends?
Judas: Ok.
Dramatic Theme Music: :DOOOOOOOOOOM:
Jesus: One thing, you can totally never betray me to my death for any amount of money.
Judas: Yeah, sure, totally. Come on, man. I would never do something like that for money. Sex, maybe. But not money.
Dramatic Theme Music: DOOOOOOOOOOOM SO MUCH DOOOOM:
Jesus also made a totally sweet friend named Mary Magdalene.
Mary Magdalene: Hey. :flashes breasts:
Mary Magdalene was more commonly known as the 'Gryffinwhore' and IN A COMPLETE COINCIDENCE she also was slutty.
Jesus: Hey, Mary. You want to give up your skanky ways and hang out with me?
Mary: Ooooookay.
Jesus: Neat.
Mary: ...
Jesus: ...
Mary: ...
Jesus: ...
Mary: ...want to go have sex?
Jesus: OMG OK!!!!!
Jesus and all of his buddies and Mary graduated from Hogwarts with flying colors.
Random Apostle # 4: Well, what are we going to do now?
Judas: Go to Disney World!
GOD: :smites Judas: DUDE YOU SUCK. BAD JOKE.
Judas; :is smote:
Jesus: Well, we could go back to Israel and save the Chosen People from sin.
Peter: Um...woo?
Jesus; OR WE COULD TAKE OFF IN A FLYING CONVERTIBLE AND SAIL OFF INTO THE SUNSET!!!!
Apostles and Mary: OMG LET'S DO IT!!!!!!!!!
And that's what they did.
Because apparently the ONLY word that's approprite for Jesus is 'bitchin.'
