Episode Ten, Act Two & Tag, - "Down to Zero"
ACT TWO
SCENE BUMPER
Daytime, The Basement
Kelso is doing laundry and eating a popsicle at the same time. Eric is sitting on the couch, looking confused and upset.
KELSO : Okay, so you're sayin' that there's TWO Donnas out there and we didn't know about it?
ERIC : No. Yes. No. (beat) Man, she looked JUST LIKE HER! What the hell was I supposed to do?
KELSO : Grab her ass, like you did.
ERIC : Yeah, thanks, Kelso. I got smacked for it.
KELSO : (shrugs) Look, Forman, I say if there's two Donnas, then take advantage of it! You're living the dream!
DISSOLVE TO FANTASY
Eric is sitting on the couch in the basement, with Shawna on one side and Donna on the other. They're both stroking his chest and snuggled up to him.
DONNA : Oh, Eric! I'm so glad we get to share you!
SHAWNA : Me too, Eric!
The fantasy dissolves until Eric is replaced by Kelso.
KELSO : There's enough of me to go around, ladies!
ERIC : (offscreen) Wait, wait, wait.
DISSOLVE BACK
Eric is staring at Kelso.
ERIC : What the hell, Kelso? You do NOT get Donna. You're using my basement to do your kid's laundry, and you've got Brooke who, for some, you know, WEIRD reason, loves you!
Eric stands up and points at Kelso.
ERIC : So, I'm taking a stand! You're not stealing my fantasy, too!
KELSO : Damn, fine, Eric! You spoil all our fun.
SCENE BUMPER
Fez & Jackie's apartment, daytime
The front door opens and Jackie enters, carrying a small pink pocketbook. Hyde follows, hauling two huge pink suitcases, huffing and puffing. He puts them down with a thump.
JACKIE : Steven, be careful! I have dolls in those bags!
HYDE : Then they better be worth enough to fix my back.
JACKIE : (gasps) You would sell my dolls? My things?
Hyde just looks at her.
JACKIE : Oh, right. (resigned) Fine. That's all of the ones I had in your room, anyway.
HYDE : There are more?!
JACKIE : (counts on her fingers) There's all my Barbies, and their accessories, and the three Dream Houses--
HYDE : Why do you have three Barbie Dream Houses?
JACKIE : One is a summer cottage, and one is the servants' quarters, duh!
Hyde shakes his head and starts pulling one case toward the smaller bedroom. Fez comes out of the big bedroom.
FEZ : Ah, Jackie, good. I have devised your test.
JACKIE : Wonderful. What do I have to do, eat some weird food from your homeland? Because if it's something pervy, I'll have Steven beat you up.
FEZ : So Hyde informed me. It forced me back to the drawing board, but I have the solution. (dramatic pause)
JACKIE : Well...?
CUT TO FANTASY
City street, nighttime
Jackie, dressed in a trench coat and beret, steps into a phone booth. She reaches under the small table and takes out a tape recorder. She pushes play.
FEZ : (voice) Good evening, Agent Jackie. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to acquire and return to the apartment at least one attractive girl willing to go out with me and let me get to at least third base. Good luck. This message will now self-destruct. Fzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... POOF!!
Jackie frowns at the tape recorder, which is still intact, and looks up to see Fez standing outside of the phone booth. He quickly reaches in and grabs the tape recorder.
FEZ : (lame smile) Heh. Sorry, budget cuts.
Fez throws the recorder down on the ground and stomps on it.
DISSOLVE FROM FANTASY
Jackie is staring at Fez, incredulous.
JACKIE : You've got to be kidding me.
FEZ : Nope. Set me up, mama.
JACKIE : (turning to Hyde) Steven, tell him he can't do this!
HYDE : Sounds reasonable to me. You always say that the girls on the cheerleading squad you were on were a bunch of sluts. I'm sure you can call one of them.
JACKIE : Fine. I'll be back.
Jackie turns on her heel and storms out the door.
HYDE : (to Fez) Good idea, man. Chick delivery.
FEZ : Thank you. I've always wanted to combine my interests of being horny and lazy.
SCENE BUMPER
Formans' living room, daytime
Red and Kitty are watching TV. The sounds of an argument come through the kitchen door. Red rolls his eyes and shuts off the TV while Kitty puts down her drink.
RED : I'm so glad Eric's back.
KITTY : Oh, hush. You really are, and you know it. (beat) Three... two... one...
Eric and Donna come through the kitchen door, still arguing.
DONNA : --telling me that you can't tell me from just some other blonde? That's it?
ERIC : Of course not, Donna! But she's not just some other blonde!
Eric stops near Red's chair, Donna sitting on the couch between them and Kitty.
DONNA : So you do like her!
KITTY : Eric, Donna.... is there something you'd like to talk to us about?
RED : Or are you just here to annoy me, like usual?
Eric and Donna start talking over each other.
RED : Shut up! Donna first, then the dumbass.
DONNA : So there's this girl at work, right, who's taking over my job. Your son, who you rightly call "dumbass", just walks in and grabs her butt!
ERIC : I thought she was you!
DONNA : I rest my case.
KITTY : Eric, is this true?
ERIC : Mom, you don't understand. This girl, Shawna-- looks just like Donna. I mean, just like her. (gasps) She's your evil twin from an alternate dimension!
RED : My foot is going to an alternate dimension called your ass if you don't stop that.
ERIC : Okay, okay. But seriously, from behind, Shawna has the same hair, the same build, the same height...
KITTY : Donna, is this true?
DONNA : Sort of, I guess. She's not exactly my height, and her hair's a little different, but...
KITTY : (prompting) But Eric, I'm sure she isn't nearly as pretty as Donna, right?
ERIC : Huh?
Red reaches up and shoves Eric in the back.
ERIC : Oh, no! No, she's not nearly as pretty as you. Honey.
DONNA : Well, all right. But there's got to be something to do about this. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Forman.
Donna leaves. Red and Kitty look at Eric, who shrugs.
ERIC : JUST like her.
CUT TO
WFPP, daytime
Donna walks into the record room, where Shawna is organizing again.
DONNA : There you are, Shawna. Look, I'm sorry about before with my boyfriend.
SHAWNA : (shrugs) Don't worry about it. (whispers) My boyfriend's kind of a dumbass sometimes, too.
DONNA : Why are you whispering?
SHAWNA : He just got here to take me to lunch. He's next door. (yells) Hey, Derek!!
Donna's eyes go wide. Derek enters, shaggy brown hair, tall and lanky, wearing a "Star Wars" t-shirt.
DEREK : You must be Donna. I've heard a lot about you. Like I already know you.
DONNA : (panicking) Gotta go.
She runs out the door. Derek and Shawna shrug.
SCENE BUMPER
The Hub, daytime
Jackie walks in, surveying the place. She holds the door open, and when no one comes in immediately, she turns and shouts.
JACKIE : (out the door) MICHAEL!
Kelso comes in through the door, Betsy in one arm, diaper bag slung over the other.
KELSO : Wow, that brings back memories.
JACKIE : Michael, you said you'd help me.
They sit down at a table. Kelso starts giving Betsy a bottle.
KELSO : And I meant it. Now, what do you need again?
JACKIE : I need to find a slut who's willing to go out with Fez and maybe do it with him. I figured who better to ask about sluts than you?
KELSO : (offended) Jackie, I cannot believe that you said something like that in front of my daughter!
Kelso covers part of Betsy's head with his free hand.
KELSO : (smiling) Okay, now let's talk sluts. Give me the details.
JACKIE : Fez says that for me to move into the apartment, I have to find a girl to go out with him who'll let him get somewhere with her.
KELSO : With Fez? This might be tough.
JACKIE : What about old reliable? Pam Macy?
KELSO : U of W.
JACKIE : Pam Macy went to college?
KELSO : No, she just went to a frat party one weekend and never came back.
JACKIE : Kat Peterson?
KELSO : Married Timmy, that guy that was always yelling?
JACKIE : Where's Big Rhonda these days?
KELSO : Pro wrestling circuit.
JACKIE : Shelly what's-her-name?
KELSO : Turns out Buddy Morgan wasn't really gay. He just needed a sluttier lab partner.
JACKIE : Well, crap, who's left?
The bell over the door rings, and Kelso looks up. We don't see who's come in. His face splits into a huge grin.
JACKIE : What? Michael, what?
Jackie turns around to see what he's looking at. She puts her hands to her face in glee.
SCENE BUMPER
Formans' basement, evening
Hyde is in his usual seat, Jackie on his lap, watching TV. Eric and Fez are playing cards. Kelso is flipping through a girlie magazine.
HYDE : Forman, what's taking Donna so long? If I eat one more popsicle, I'm gonna hurl.
ERIC : I don't know. I offered to pick her up after her last day at the station, but she said she had errands to run.
KELSO : All I know is someone said "out for dinner", so I'm here. And it better not be a tease.
FEZ : (to Eric) So Eric, when will you be able to do it with Donna and her twin?
ERIC : What? Who told you about that?
FEZ : Kelso. He described the fantasy in great detail.
KELSO : You're welcome.
HYDE : He won't. Even if he wanted to, he won't.
ERIC : What's that supposed to mean?
FEZ : You are too faithful.
KELSO : You're too bad with women.
HYDE : You're too whipped.
JACKIE : You know what's good for you.
ERIC : (deflated) Thanks, guys.
The basement door opens. Donna enters, wearing a big 'Annie Hall' slouch hat that covers up most of her head.
ERIC : Finally. Donna, what--
Donna whips off the hat to reveal that she's dyed her hair back to red. The boys fall out of their seats in awe, Hyde even dumping Jackie to the ground.
KELSO : Holy crap!
HYDE : Holy crap!
ERIC : Holy crap!
FEZ : Holy crap!
JACKIE : (disappointed) Oh, holy crap, stop it. (to Donna) Why? Why? WHY?
DONNA : Because this is me. I tried blonde, but as it turned out, me with blonde hair made me someone else. Literally.
Donna sits down next to Eric, who starts petting her hair.
ERIC : Oooooooh...
DONNA : You guys are so weird. When I went blonde, you were all happy.
ERIC : Yes, but... as a redhead, you're so...
HYDE : (smirking) Saucy.
ERIC : Exactly.
DONNA : (to Eric) So you're not mad I dyed my hair?
ERIC : (shakes his head) God, no.
FEZ : You are sassy and bold.
KELSO : And still hot.
ERIC : Like Mary-Jane Watson...
DONNA : Good. But this doesn't mean you get to wear your Spider-Man jammies in bed with me.
There's a knock on the basement door. Hyde looks around and does a head count.
HYDE : Who the hell is that? Everyone we know is here.
Jackie jumps up happily clapping.
JACKIE : That is my moving-in gift to Fez. (to Fez) You asked for a girl who wanted to go out with you and would let you get some action, right?
FEZ : (excited) Yes.
JACKIE : So I went to Point Place's foremost expert on slutty girls, Michael Kelso.
Kelso waves, getting giddy. The others look at each other in anticipation.
FEZ : (more excited) Great idea!
JACKIE : And then, fate just stepped in.
Jackie goes to the door, puts a hand on the handle and grins.
JACKIE : Fez, here is your girl!
Jackie swings open the door. It's Caroline.
CAROLINE : FEZZIE!!!!!!!!
Fez stands up, half scared and half excited.
FEZ : Caroline?!
Caroline squeals and runs at Fez, tackling him over the back of the sofa. The others laugh as we see various body parts peek over.
CUT TO COMMERCIALS
END ACT TWO
TAG
Jackie's bedroom, night
Jackie is in her PJs, in bed, surrounded by stuffed animals. Loud, muffled sounds come from the wall.
Jackie covers her ears. Then, she picks up two stuffed animals and holds them against her head.
Finally, she gets up out of bed.
CUT TO
Fez & Jackie's apartment, night
Jackie bangs on Fez' bedroom door. She waits. The noise dies down. The door cracks open, and Fez sticks his head out. He's not wearing clothes except for a colored scarf tied around his head and he's holding a feather duster.
JACKIE : Will you two please quiet down?!
FEZ : Sorry. But you got me the crazy girl. And let me tell you, is she ever crazy...
CAROLINE : (voice) Fezzie... I'm waiting...
FEZ : Bye, roomie!
He slams the door shut. Jackie stomps over to the stereo and pulls headphones on.
THE END
SCENE BUMPER
Daytime, The Basement
Kelso is doing laundry and eating a popsicle at the same time. Eric is sitting on the couch, looking confused and upset.
KELSO : Okay, so you're sayin' that there's TWO Donnas out there and we didn't know about it?
ERIC : No. Yes. No. (beat) Man, she looked JUST LIKE HER! What the hell was I supposed to do?
KELSO : Grab her ass, like you did.
ERIC : Yeah, thanks, Kelso. I got smacked for it.
KELSO : (shrugs) Look, Forman, I say if there's two Donnas, then take advantage of it! You're living the dream!
DISSOLVE TO FANTASY
Eric is sitting on the couch in the basement, with Shawna on one side and Donna on the other. They're both stroking his chest and snuggled up to him.
DONNA : Oh, Eric! I'm so glad we get to share you!
SHAWNA : Me too, Eric!
The fantasy dissolves until Eric is replaced by Kelso.
KELSO : There's enough of me to go around, ladies!
ERIC : (offscreen) Wait, wait, wait.
DISSOLVE BACK
Eric is staring at Kelso.
ERIC : What the hell, Kelso? You do NOT get Donna. You're using my basement to do your kid's laundry, and you've got Brooke who, for some, you know, WEIRD reason, loves you!
Eric stands up and points at Kelso.
ERIC : So, I'm taking a stand! You're not stealing my fantasy, too!
KELSO : Damn, fine, Eric! You spoil all our fun.
SCENE BUMPER
Fez & Jackie's apartment, daytime
The front door opens and Jackie enters, carrying a small pink pocketbook. Hyde follows, hauling two huge pink suitcases, huffing and puffing. He puts them down with a thump.
JACKIE : Steven, be careful! I have dolls in those bags!
HYDE : Then they better be worth enough to fix my back.
JACKIE : (gasps) You would sell my dolls? My things?
Hyde just looks at her.
JACKIE : Oh, right. (resigned) Fine. That's all of the ones I had in your room, anyway.
HYDE : There are more?!
JACKIE : (counts on her fingers) There's all my Barbies, and their accessories, and the three Dream Houses--
HYDE : Why do you have three Barbie Dream Houses?
JACKIE : One is a summer cottage, and one is the servants' quarters, duh!
Hyde shakes his head and starts pulling one case toward the smaller bedroom. Fez comes out of the big bedroom.
FEZ : Ah, Jackie, good. I have devised your test.
JACKIE : Wonderful. What do I have to do, eat some weird food from your homeland? Because if it's something pervy, I'll have Steven beat you up.
FEZ : So Hyde informed me. It forced me back to the drawing board, but I have the solution. (dramatic pause)
JACKIE : Well...?
CUT TO FANTASY
City street, nighttime
Jackie, dressed in a trench coat and beret, steps into a phone booth. She reaches under the small table and takes out a tape recorder. She pushes play.
FEZ : (voice) Good evening, Agent Jackie. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to acquire and return to the apartment at least one attractive girl willing to go out with me and let me get to at least third base. Good luck. This message will now self-destruct. Fzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... POOF!!
Jackie frowns at the tape recorder, which is still intact, and looks up to see Fez standing outside of the phone booth. He quickly reaches in and grabs the tape recorder.
FEZ : (lame smile) Heh. Sorry, budget cuts.
Fez throws the recorder down on the ground and stomps on it.
DISSOLVE FROM FANTASY
Jackie is staring at Fez, incredulous.
JACKIE : You've got to be kidding me.
FEZ : Nope. Set me up, mama.
JACKIE : (turning to Hyde) Steven, tell him he can't do this!
HYDE : Sounds reasonable to me. You always say that the girls on the cheerleading squad you were on were a bunch of sluts. I'm sure you can call one of them.
JACKIE : Fine. I'll be back.
Jackie turns on her heel and storms out the door.
HYDE : (to Fez) Good idea, man. Chick delivery.
FEZ : Thank you. I've always wanted to combine my interests of being horny and lazy.
SCENE BUMPER
Formans' living room, daytime
Red and Kitty are watching TV. The sounds of an argument come through the kitchen door. Red rolls his eyes and shuts off the TV while Kitty puts down her drink.
RED : I'm so glad Eric's back.
KITTY : Oh, hush. You really are, and you know it. (beat) Three... two... one...
Eric and Donna come through the kitchen door, still arguing.
DONNA : --telling me that you can't tell me from just some other blonde? That's it?
ERIC : Of course not, Donna! But she's not just some other blonde!
Eric stops near Red's chair, Donna sitting on the couch between them and Kitty.
DONNA : So you do like her!
KITTY : Eric, Donna.... is there something you'd like to talk to us about?
RED : Or are you just here to annoy me, like usual?
Eric and Donna start talking over each other.
RED : Shut up! Donna first, then the dumbass.
DONNA : So there's this girl at work, right, who's taking over my job. Your son, who you rightly call "dumbass", just walks in and grabs her butt!
ERIC : I thought she was you!
DONNA : I rest my case.
KITTY : Eric, is this true?
ERIC : Mom, you don't understand. This girl, Shawna-- looks just like Donna. I mean, just like her. (gasps) She's your evil twin from an alternate dimension!
RED : My foot is going to an alternate dimension called your ass if you don't stop that.
ERIC : Okay, okay. But seriously, from behind, Shawna has the same hair, the same build, the same height...
KITTY : Donna, is this true?
DONNA : Sort of, I guess. She's not exactly my height, and her hair's a little different, but...
KITTY : (prompting) But Eric, I'm sure she isn't nearly as pretty as Donna, right?
ERIC : Huh?
Red reaches up and shoves Eric in the back.
ERIC : Oh, no! No, she's not nearly as pretty as you. Honey.
DONNA : Well, all right. But there's got to be something to do about this. Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Forman.
Donna leaves. Red and Kitty look at Eric, who shrugs.
ERIC : JUST like her.
CUT TO
WFPP, daytime
Donna walks into the record room, where Shawna is organizing again.
DONNA : There you are, Shawna. Look, I'm sorry about before with my boyfriend.
SHAWNA : (shrugs) Don't worry about it. (whispers) My boyfriend's kind of a dumbass sometimes, too.
DONNA : Why are you whispering?
SHAWNA : He just got here to take me to lunch. He's next door. (yells) Hey, Derek!!
Donna's eyes go wide. Derek enters, shaggy brown hair, tall and lanky, wearing a "Star Wars" t-shirt.
DEREK : You must be Donna. I've heard a lot about you. Like I already know you.
DONNA : (panicking) Gotta go.
She runs out the door. Derek and Shawna shrug.
SCENE BUMPER
The Hub, daytime
Jackie walks in, surveying the place. She holds the door open, and when no one comes in immediately, she turns and shouts.
JACKIE : (out the door) MICHAEL!
Kelso comes in through the door, Betsy in one arm, diaper bag slung over the other.
KELSO : Wow, that brings back memories.
JACKIE : Michael, you said you'd help me.
They sit down at a table. Kelso starts giving Betsy a bottle.
KELSO : And I meant it. Now, what do you need again?
JACKIE : I need to find a slut who's willing to go out with Fez and maybe do it with him. I figured who better to ask about sluts than you?
KELSO : (offended) Jackie, I cannot believe that you said something like that in front of my daughter!
Kelso covers part of Betsy's head with his free hand.
KELSO : (smiling) Okay, now let's talk sluts. Give me the details.
JACKIE : Fez says that for me to move into the apartment, I have to find a girl to go out with him who'll let him get somewhere with her.
KELSO : With Fez? This might be tough.
JACKIE : What about old reliable? Pam Macy?
KELSO : U of W.
JACKIE : Pam Macy went to college?
KELSO : No, she just went to a frat party one weekend and never came back.
JACKIE : Kat Peterson?
KELSO : Married Timmy, that guy that was always yelling?
JACKIE : Where's Big Rhonda these days?
KELSO : Pro wrestling circuit.
JACKIE : Shelly what's-her-name?
KELSO : Turns out Buddy Morgan wasn't really gay. He just needed a sluttier lab partner.
JACKIE : Well, crap, who's left?
The bell over the door rings, and Kelso looks up. We don't see who's come in. His face splits into a huge grin.
JACKIE : What? Michael, what?
Jackie turns around to see what he's looking at. She puts her hands to her face in glee.
SCENE BUMPER
Formans' basement, evening
Hyde is in his usual seat, Jackie on his lap, watching TV. Eric and Fez are playing cards. Kelso is flipping through a girlie magazine.
HYDE : Forman, what's taking Donna so long? If I eat one more popsicle, I'm gonna hurl.
ERIC : I don't know. I offered to pick her up after her last day at the station, but she said she had errands to run.
KELSO : All I know is someone said "out for dinner", so I'm here. And it better not be a tease.
FEZ : (to Eric) So Eric, when will you be able to do it with Donna and her twin?
ERIC : What? Who told you about that?
FEZ : Kelso. He described the fantasy in great detail.
KELSO : You're welcome.
HYDE : He won't. Even if he wanted to, he won't.
ERIC : What's that supposed to mean?
FEZ : You are too faithful.
KELSO : You're too bad with women.
HYDE : You're too whipped.
JACKIE : You know what's good for you.
ERIC : (deflated) Thanks, guys.
The basement door opens. Donna enters, wearing a big 'Annie Hall' slouch hat that covers up most of her head.
ERIC : Finally. Donna, what--
Donna whips off the hat to reveal that she's dyed her hair back to red. The boys fall out of their seats in awe, Hyde even dumping Jackie to the ground.
KELSO : Holy crap!
HYDE : Holy crap!
ERIC : Holy crap!
FEZ : Holy crap!
JACKIE : (disappointed) Oh, holy crap, stop it. (to Donna) Why? Why? WHY?
DONNA : Because this is me. I tried blonde, but as it turned out, me with blonde hair made me someone else. Literally.
Donna sits down next to Eric, who starts petting her hair.
ERIC : Oooooooh...
DONNA : You guys are so weird. When I went blonde, you were all happy.
ERIC : Yes, but... as a redhead, you're so...
HYDE : (smirking) Saucy.
ERIC : Exactly.
DONNA : (to Eric) So you're not mad I dyed my hair?
ERIC : (shakes his head) God, no.
FEZ : You are sassy and bold.
KELSO : And still hot.
ERIC : Like Mary-Jane Watson...
DONNA : Good. But this doesn't mean you get to wear your Spider-Man jammies in bed with me.
There's a knock on the basement door. Hyde looks around and does a head count.
HYDE : Who the hell is that? Everyone we know is here.
Jackie jumps up happily clapping.
JACKIE : That is my moving-in gift to Fez. (to Fez) You asked for a girl who wanted to go out with you and would let you get some action, right?
FEZ : (excited) Yes.
JACKIE : So I went to Point Place's foremost expert on slutty girls, Michael Kelso.
Kelso waves, getting giddy. The others look at each other in anticipation.
FEZ : (more excited) Great idea!
JACKIE : And then, fate just stepped in.
Jackie goes to the door, puts a hand on the handle and grins.
JACKIE : Fez, here is your girl!
Jackie swings open the door. It's Caroline.
CAROLINE : FEZZIE!!!!!!!!
Fez stands up, half scared and half excited.
FEZ : Caroline?!
Caroline squeals and runs at Fez, tackling him over the back of the sofa. The others laugh as we see various body parts peek over.
CUT TO COMMERCIALS
END ACT TWO
TAG
Jackie's bedroom, night
Jackie is in her PJs, in bed, surrounded by stuffed animals. Loud, muffled sounds come from the wall.
Jackie covers her ears. Then, she picks up two stuffed animals and holds them against her head.
Finally, she gets up out of bed.
CUT TO
Fez & Jackie's apartment, night
Jackie bangs on Fez' bedroom door. She waits. The noise dies down. The door cracks open, and Fez sticks his head out. He's not wearing clothes except for a colored scarf tied around his head and he's holding a feather duster.
JACKIE : Will you two please quiet down?!
FEZ : Sorry. But you got me the crazy girl. And let me tell you, is she ever crazy...
CAROLINE : (voice) Fezzie... I'm waiting...
FEZ : Bye, roomie!
He slams the door shut. Jackie stomps over to the stereo and pulls headphones on.
THE END
