| end of september |
[25 Sep 2011|06:44pm] |
summers ending. things are fading. people are growing
kristen is going to paraguay for two years..leaving tuesday. lindseys back at school. i have never visited heather in boston ever. thats a serious problem. zoes gone to portland for probably another two years or so. nig called me finally, says she's been doing things for all the wrong reasons. shes leaving him and going back to her parents. good. she says she might come back home.. and that home is here. that would be fucking the greatest. last time i saw her in grand central, she said it would probably be the last time we'd ever see each other, period. good thing her plans never go through, in a way. and jackies not talking to me because i texted her drunk one time. fun
some plans just suck. like, i lot of the one we all get that we think are great. that we think are what we want, but mostly its just whats safe. and its not what we really want, it's just what we know. its just settling. and that what i would be still doing also, had she not been such a jerk to me. people are mean for reasons. or for a purpose, sometimes one that no one knows i think, not even them. it is protection. against feelings. against chances. against rejection. against love and being let down.
i dont know why this still hurts. still cant figure it out. logically this makes sense, but not in my heart. i've been more miserable without, than with .. for the most part. being alone during this time in my life is extremely hard. have to try to figure out the reasons. like nig did. she also told me, right before we got off the phone that she was glad to hear i wasnt still with her. that i definitely deserve better, that i always have and always will. we always hate when each other is seeing
someone that isn't amazing.
just want to replace the pain with something constructive
this does not include mediating my parents, or being subjected to this embarrassing living situation anymore
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[09 Aug 2011|10:16pm] |
feeling really hopeless.
and out of place
hopefully i'm just tired
i need to be able to do this
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| austin |
[04 Aug 2011|07:39pm] |
hey, it's august again. i'm in the same room, staring off into space listening to something that reminded me of radiohead and time warped me back to the "good old days" and automatically thought of you livejournal, the only one i can spill all my embarrassing, emotional and underdeveloped developmental feelings to. hi
i need you
fuck. here it is. and i get to go through puberty again. literally. i am. how did i ever get myself into this or any other mess i'll never know for sure. if life is about experiences and change, then i must be the best ever right now. seriously making up for the non-changing i haven't done.
what the fuck is everyone else doing?
i was looking at my high school friends on fb the other night. everyone looks so weird. and fat. grown up, thats not the way i see them in memory. i erased them all, mostly.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i drink for youuu i drink for you i drink because of you
i drink because i'm not with you i drink because you're not here. you're no where near. farthest part of the country driving me crazy
out with soomeone you think love but you know you don't. what the fuckkk are all those things you told me.
when you were sober, when you were drunk when you were happy, when it was 6am and i was already at work
christ kid
you're lucky we're friends
and that i love you...
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[21 Feb 2011|08:58am] |
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i thought today would be better. i thought if i just got through the night that i was be glad i got to today. i thought that was a good way of thinking of things. i shouldn't have expected anything to be different, or better. i guess.
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[14 Feb 2011|08:19am] |
i hate talking to anyone i haven't talked to in a while about my life and "what i've been doing." it just makes me want to die. i don't want to know how great you are doing and how much you love life. that's nice. and good for you. but don't ask me how i'm doing. if i have something good to say, i'll tell you. but if not, assume that everything's the same way it's been for years.
thanks
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[07 Feb 2011|07:15pm] |
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i'll make mistakes again
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[30 Jan 2011|12:16pm] |
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demonstrate has the word demon in it
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[30 Jan 2011|12:14pm] |
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i find it very hard to demonstrate any knowledge i gained from schooling
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[26 Jan 2011|12:02pm] |
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is chasing blood down with beer
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[11 Jun 2010|05:18pm] |
i stopped writing in this when i got a girlfriend. now that thats going bad, its time i start talking again i guess. someone can treat me better than this im sure. dont know why im still here. here means more than one thing, its a many of things... hey look - its 2010. i was just reading heathers journal from 2002. that wasnt that long ago right? driving school, things like that. i cant have my door open right now, i just cant. my poor dad, so lost. my mom, a slut, but still lost so much over this life. i dont want this to happen to me, but i have a feeling that it happens to everyone eventually. need to live, need to enjoy everyday. ive been out of high school for 6 years. used to do this in the basement on the big computer before we had floors. all alone at night, no where to go, nothing to do but feel sorry for myself and my teenage problems. well im going out tonight, with my adult problems.but i wont be alone. im still me, just farther down the line.
help
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[02 Nov 2009|10:03pm] |
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the way my breathe smells right now tastes like the way your breathe tasted on your back porch a few years ago
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[01 Nov 2009|07:37pm] |
i feel like the future is so close but so far. right in front of me but so far away. so far ahead. can almost see it and what it is and what to do but then i close my eyes and i see nothing. a hole for me to fill in. do what i want to do, or do what i should do. blue collar worker. my face hurts. my back hurts. my lungs and my heart.
i can smell you and that doesnt make sense. i see what i saw looking out the window in the middle of winter. want it back, or something better
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[25 Oct 2009|09:20pm] |
in a constant battle of who i am and what i want to be. but im not sure what that is. this is all i know. a new and improved funner version of myself. i think about my mouth and everything toxic that passes through it. this is a daily occurence. i might die young, i am forever old. could be tomorrow. i am sexless tonight. makes me think of what i was doing at this time last night. i wish i could hold on to moments forever...
everyone knows how i love you so
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[15 Oct 2009|05:45pm] |
i am on my couch listening to this girl on speaker phone text another girl. jurassic park is on tv and i have a half a glass of whiskey on the table next to me. i have to get up at 4 am. there is a mold of my ass in this couch and a throb in my legs and fingers. my lap is warm from my computer overheating itself. ibuprofen. pathetically and effortlessly cruising through an online dating website but failing to contact anyone on the other side.
thursday night, october 15, 2009.
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[01 Oct 2009|06:15am] |
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mood |
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i woke up this morning freezing in my bed, and it felt like that day/night i woke up with you absolutely freezing. you had no heat in your house and we just had each other, and to see how close we could get and how good we were at keeping each other warm. 5 years ago already. i could feel it, i smelt it, i saw the pillows on your bed and your desk across the room. i remembered how the kitchen was, the nightlight, the stairs and the break up. i fled out before you could see me cry hysterically. i got in my car. "this is the first day of my life" turned on and i opened an octoberfest and cut my fingers. i called brian, it was so late. i came over and there were people still up in the shed. no one knew how much i hurt or could follow me because they were off in their wine filled world. i have never felt so awful in my life. i was sure that it was over. nothing afters been the same since. not my feelings, my outlook, my ability to trust and love and have high hopes.
its this season where i am annually hurt. nearly ever year, at this time, i experience so much pain, rejection, confusion, anger, disapointment. i think this is the first time it wont happen though, because i have managed to be alone through the end of the summer and into the fall. my stomach still hurts and feels like that what i experienced years ago, i cant shake it. i've gone wrong. i dont know why i woke up to this, but i guess its unavoidable
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[27 Sep 2009|10:01pm] |
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why is it 1 am? at 8 it felt like 11, at 11 it felt like 1, now it feels like 4 and i should be getting up soon. to go to my shit ass job. i was made to do something greater than this, this is not what i am. the sky was so weird tonight. there are thin clouds that the wind is pulling across so fast from so far up it makes it feel like everything underneath is slightly out of control. i feel like doing a lot more riding around again. this always happens this time of year. something about the cycle, i am emotionally hitched on it as well. getting over exciting summer things, loss, rage, and slowly slipping into winter depression. i feel like nows the time for searching for something that i need to see or hear or witness or do. and ill know it when i see it. ill know it when i see it...my hunches havent proved themself worth anything lately. i make myself believe that this is it, this is what i need, because i want it to be. because if it is, then i dont have to use my energy to search anymore. when its not, it just takes up more time and more energy than admitting to myself in the first place, this is just not me.
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[13 Sep 2009|04:07pm] |
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hi livejournal,
it's been 33 weeks since we've interacted. i havent stopped thinking about you, i just haven't wanted to start writing again because i know id never stop and that it would hurt to have to relive my feelings. ive been pushing them aside instead of expressing them. ive been lethargic. i want to get off this couch and talk about them but i want to be the friend that is fun, not the one that is pathetic. a lot of time has gone by and not a lot has changed except for i am older and i feel older and trapped in routine with nothing to look forward to. my depression is doing most of my talking today. ive been online all fucking day, i didnt look at any jobs. just creeped out facebook and this online dating website. looking at girls profiles from australia, florida, paris, spain, california. too far away. maybe i should go to chicago with linsey. maybe theres something there waiting for me. i dont know where to look. i dont know what im looking for. i keep hoping something will be handed to me, but we all know thats not how it works.
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[23 Jan 2009|12:41am] |
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oh man. another month going and almost gone. im super tired and lifeless today. school started. bush is gone. drag ball january 30th. im going to vermont this weekend to fill our voids. the tops and tips of my fingers feel like bruises from playing so much down here. my acne is still fucking up my life, hopefully it wont last for another ten years. going to be with memere tomorrow to make sure she doesnt burn down the house while pepere is in the hospital sucking on tanks. jackie is really sick. fucking bastards. but at least i am disaster hasnt thrown in the towel completely. something to look forward to. some not to look forwards to, nicky moving back to new mexico in 2 weeks. ive had to say goodbye to this girl more times than ive wanted to. just go to pick, and pick shit up tomorrow, i guess...
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[02 Jan 2009|03:43am] |
its nice outside. in the morning. i am tired but wont lay myself down. been really depressed lately. i dont have a job. things were going really well with a girl, she broke it off. we had to put my cat down the other day. i keep thinking hes still here. ive had a headache for three days, i spent new years eve throwing up and i didnt even drink.
i need to hang out with lot of people or at least call them back and i havent.
instead i always have this pressure in my jaw and my neck. and im an alcoholic. i thought id be less stressed out not having a job for a while, but it is more stressful.
i joined okcupid to get dates or something. i really need some good sex. over due. but for now, all i can wish for is this headache to go away.
goodnight for now
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| you whisper when you talk. |
[03 Dec 2008|05:09pm] |
you do. and i forgot.
youre an old person now. i am more alive than ever.
paint. painting is better.
i won't forgot not to touch your face. i can almost reach it
i havent settled down
youre lucky
i wish i could be telling the truth when i say
that you aren't missed.
my stupid fucking heart
I've got no plans and too much time.
I feel too restless to unwind
I'm always lost in thought,
As I walk a block to my favorite neon sign
Where the waitress looks concerned
But she never says a word.
Just turns the juke box on,
and we hum along
and I smile back at her.
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