my god its been ages lol

happy late thanksgiving to all whom i havent  told it to already 
sorry ive been out of it my  weeks been a lil heckit

i wrote  in all the events  but jayson deleted it ....nice   so  i'll try to fill in the blanks
 hes back in town  till tuesday  
good new is jessicas here  and  she's gonna be here till next sundayish lol she drove
i love her lol

today we she and i took my lil bro to his  frist concert  lol ....it was  a rap concert ........... and we  got him drunk
im like the best  
who says i don't love my lil brother  thats gotta be worth something  lol we were like yeah we should take him to  like a titty bar  but  hes too young and  my mom lol 
it was  fun  not really  into rap  but it was  worth it   i took pics  sexy sexy rappers hahahahahahhaweird coming from me aint it lol

any way back to what happened this week ;

 Jessika came home sunday or monday i think   i was sick :(  (fuck flu shots  just not worth it)

tuesday ::jayson came home with hickeys.....  later on we  got into a huge  long over due fight a fist fight  i left not really caring about anything  i didnt tell anyone what  happen

wesnday: good news travels fast  jessika  comes to my house  demanding  to  know   why i havent talked to  her since  she got  home   and that derek called because i was at work   he and  jayson just   fight on his lawn.....   

Thursday: my aunt  from  japan  comes home.. yay  and  guess  whos waiting for me  once i get back to my  house  swollen  face and all  jayson   he and his  dad got into  an  a lil shout match about  why jayson should stop being an ass and  figthing with everyone and  it was  non violent .. he decided that  he needed to really  talk to me  and that we  need to get through  this and that he had something really important to  tell me 
we drove to his  house we sorta stopped   hating each other  for a lilttle while  we went to my nana's ... he met my nana  finially  most of the rest of my dads side i never  really  bring  people over to them  theyer horriblelol..  then we went  to  his  house  and  we ate   with  his  family...nerve wrecking  i hate meeting   peoples family......my nana likes  him figures  lol   then we talked.....and ...talked  and.. talked    we kinda  made up    were working  on it 
he really important  thing  he wanted to get off  his  chest  was that    he  loves me    and that  he was  afraid  that were starting to  draft apart   and  he wants  us to  work .....       
but i don't know  

well  im gonna  go he out  the shower   shooting me dirty looks cuz im  writing  in  my lj lol   
so later maggots 

 hmm despite  popular beleif  people  who don't  go out and  vote 
are completely stupid ........
i hate  when they  think otherwise 

i also hate  boys 
this  is how it starated


autumn grief (12:42:13 AM): what are you researching?
so MellonCollie (12:43:34 AM): some election stuff  and  some  other trival information
autumn grief (12:44:13 AM): the way I see it you have two options, you can vote for a piece of shit in a dress or a piece of shit in a suit
autumn grief (12:47:34 AM): ive never voted for anything and I doubt I ever will
so MellonCollie (12:49:38 AM): lol yeah alot of  people seem to  feel that way this year
autumn grief (12:49:44 AM): lol ive always felt that way
autumn grief (12:49:56 AM): The only way I would consider voting is if the federal goverment was dissolved
autumn grief (12:50:13 AM): Because then it might actually make a difference
so MellonCollie (12:50:54 AM): i know  what you mean
autumn grief (12:51:16 AM): It dosent matter which puppet you vote for because they both have the same hand stuck up their ass
so MellonCollie (12:57:39 AM): its just that this  is actually  my  first year being able to vote  ....  i actually for once would like to  feel as if  i do  have a choice and some  say  in the  things going on around  me for once...even though   the canidates both suck  there are a lot of  proposals  that just  shouldnt  even need   to be on the  ballot  but  they still are  and  that pisses me off  ...thats  also another  big reason  i have to
so MellonCollie (12:57:43 AM): vote
autumn grief (12:58:32 AM): i just dont really believe that your votes mean anything.  The government is going to do what they want to regardless what anyone thinks
autumn grief (12:59:02 AM): Just because something is voted off on a proprosal doesnt mean it cant become a law through a more direct way
autumn grief (12:59:23 AM): something doesnt have to be accepted by a proposal to become a law
so MellonCollie (12:59:35 AM): i know this
autumn grief (1:00:09 AM): If we had a real choice we wouldnt have a fake democracy like we do
autumn grief (1:00:17 AM): A true democracy doesnt have public representitives
so MellonCollie (1:00:28 AM): still  even it is   a shot in the dark   so to speak      
so MellonCollie (1:00:43 AM): i   want to  
autumn grief (1:01:36 AM): its kind of funny because the government always talkes about democracy when we live in a republic
so MellonCollie (1:03:02 AM): i dont know  about  you  but  i rather  live on the  ballfaced lie about  how  i  helped  shape  things   rather  than  sit and  do nothing   

^{_{and then it  got  worse}}

autumn grief (1:03:17 AM): Theyre both doing nothing
autumn grief (1:03:26 AM): Just one option lets people feel better about themselves
autumn grief (1:04:01 AM): If people really wanted to change the direction of the country they would take some control back and overthrow the federal government
autumn grief (1:04:11 AM): This country should be independent states like in europe
autumn grief (1:04:22 AM): Each state a soverign nation
autumn grief (1:04:52 AM): (kind of like how it was supposed to be when we had a confederacy)
autumn grief (1:05:11 AM): until the country was hijacked after the civil war
so MellonCollie (1:07:44 AM): hmm lets  see   sitting around  feeling  shitty  and worthless .... getting up  voting ..... yeah       id  pick  not being  a victim to  my  self        theres  a reason  why    were not  a soverign  nation    ....youre one of those damn people  who  still  believe  the south is  gonn  rise  arent you ?

autumn grief (1:09:51 AM): Yeah its called greed  and  i  wouldnt say i was  one  
so MellonCollie (1:11:40 AM): yeah   and    they are not?
so MellonCollie (1:11:56 AM): and  being  that were all  so  greedy  here why  do  you  think that'd work?  dont  you  think  thatd  result in total chaos
autumn grief (1:11:56 AM): i know how you feel though, i briefly considered voting in the last presidental election, but thtas the most pointless one of all
autumn grief (1:13:04 AM): no   People have just become domesticated.  They really believe that they cant function without some people in washington telling them what they should do
autumn grief (1:13:21 AM): Thats the real problem
autumn grief (1:14:00 AM): They're like little money making robots for the federal government
so MellonCollie (1:15:47 AM): were all machines
autumn grief (1:15:51 AM): lol
autumn grief (1:15:54 AM): If you say so
so MellonCollie (1:16:02 AM):  do you  have a job... have you ever?
autumn grief (1:16:09AM): yes  of corse  
so MellonCollie (1:16:02 AM): then dont  give me that bullshit about  not being  a  fucking  machine   if you  werent  you  youd  be   so   happy homeless guy  living  his life  in a shack on his way to inner peace not worried about  a gutiar  for sale at some overpriced store   
 so MellonCollie (1:16:02 AM): were all fucking machines 
autumn grief (1:16:25 AM): Only if you choose to allow yourself to be conditioned as one
so MellonCollie (1:17:29 AM): thus why i am  a  machine  and  you  are too
autumn grief (1:18:24 AM): dont know what you mean by a machine anyway really
autumn grief (1:18:56 AM): obviously organic lifeforms arent the same as a toaster or something
so MellonCollie (1:19:13 AM): don't  worry  about it
so MellonCollie (1:19:49 AM): doesn't matter your a waste of space
autumn grief (1:19:53 AM): lol ok
autumn grief (1:20:20 AM): hope I didnt offend you or anything, im good at doing that when it comes to talking about politics with people
autumn grief (1:20:45 AM): people get very sensitive about it
so MellonCollie (1:24:31 AM): haha    don't  worry  about  that  its  almost next to  impossible  to  offend  me     i am  indeed  an  asshole   and  sometimes   pick and  argue   for  no apparent  reason what so ever    just  because i can
autumn grief (1:26:24 AM): sometimse peoples stupidity dumbfounds me, but thats about it
so MellonCollie (1:28:15 AM): lol  your  being pisses me off    just because you say  shit  like that   idont  get senitive about it  i just hate  you  for being  you and coming out of your mothers womb therefore i argue with you  and  you  do the same
autumn grief (1:31:10 AM): yeah..that doesnt happen very often with me.  Id ont argue about something unless I know a lot about it, and im not trying to sound stuck up or anything but im usually smarter than most people I meet lol
so MellonCollie (1:33:07 AM): so what your  really saying  is   youre  an  asshole too
so MellonCollie (1:33:09 AM): lol
autumn grief (1:33:13 AM): hahaha
autumn grief (1:33:16 AM): Not really..
autumn grief (1:33:24 AM): I'm a nice person, I'm just being realistic
autumn grief (1:33:28 AM): most people arent very intelligent...
so MellonCollie (1:33:41 AM): ok  derek
so MellonCollie (1:33:42 AM): lol
autumn grief (1:33:59 AM): lol come on you know its true
so MellonCollie (1:35:11 AM): oh  i wasn't  disagreeing with you at all  
so MellonCollie (1:35:18 AM): just  saying your an  shallow asshole who talks just to talk
so MellonCollie (1:35:28 AM): lol
autumn grief (1:37:50 AM): no......but its good that youre outspoken about things though.  i like people that have opinions even if I dont agree with them nessicarily
autumn grief (1:38:46 AM): shows that theyre thinking at least
so MellonCollie (1:39:30 AM): all this proves is  that  you don't pick up on anything  i say to  you......and  your a slave  to your sex drive ....i  fucking  hate you  your an ass   and  dispite this  bet you  still want me  don't you 
autumn grief (1:41:46 AM):well duh   i thought  you'd realize that by  now  this just  makes me  think about you  more and  how i could  pull you into another hour converstaion tommorrow
autumn grief (1:41:54 AM): besides  your  cute  when your  anrgy


see what happens  when i try to  talk to derek like a  human 
again i fucking hate  boys 
i say  we implement a new rule anything with a penis  gets shot

peace out maggots

today was retarded but so fun

i spent it with my dad

my dad came to to pick me up today...

he knew i was all sad so he tried his best

and for some strange reason i found my self actually enjoying his company

we looked at cars mostly for him ....^{_{yea so did you know the new lexus parks its self..no really it does funny.. dad knew it dealership knew it however i did not my dad's an asshole just loves to see me freak out}}
we talked to day and it went a little somthing like this

^{_{father person: ...pumpkin whats going on}}

^{_{me: i hate everyone and every thing....}}

^{_{father person: im sure its not that bad}}

^{_{me: this is why i know im destine to kill people because every time i get my something thats gonna get me the hell away from here your fucking god spits on me and yells "get back in the fucking hole you cunt there is no escaping this place"!!!!!!}}

^{_{father person:hahaha what happen}}

^{_{me: no its not funny don't you dare laugh}}

^{_{father person: ok im listening}}

^{_{me: they called me back.........}}

^{_{father person: so you got a job blah blahblahblah}<-----him interrupting which i hate}

^{_{me: DAD your interruptingi love being hired for jobs that there no way in hell i can get to}}

^{_{father person: aww im sorry pumpkin shit happens but were working on that}}

^{_{me: its not just a car dad}}

^{_{father person: what else is wrong}}

^{_{me:um yea i hate everything!!!!!! people especially mainly males and i think im losing my fucking mind}}

^{_{father person:well yeah i could see that tell you what}}

^{_{me: what}}

^{_{father person:wanna hug pumpkin?}}

^{_{me: NO DAD I DON"T FUCKING HUG I WANT A GUN I WANNA BLOW THINGS UP I WANT TO I NOT ONLY SEE PEOPLE DIE I WANT TO SMELL AND FEEL THEM DIEING AS WELL}}

^{_{father person:yes i know you say that a lot i remember i always remember but until we can find a way to do this and not get caught you'll have to settle for a hug}}

^_...........

and im not even sad anymore

i sort of miss my dads hugs i miss him pretending to care and shit when i yell and ramble

its funny i hate him 80% of the time and refused him marrow but he still attempts to make me feel loved

im glad he listens

i listen to everyone else bitch and complain about everything

i never really say anything

im so sick and tired of that

it amazes me

it really does

now i know i get in my moods where i rant endlessly

but everyone points that out

interesting..

im trying my hardest

twitching even

fuck every last one of you

i have had to good of a day to let you piss me off now

and

back stabbing hurts

cut it out

say what you mean

when you mean to say it

people never cease to disappoint me

piss off

thats all ..

..
its  probably way to early  to  say 
today might  actually be a good day

<sub>what is it with me  and  boys anyways?

^{damn moon!!!!}</sub>

i know  i know  im such  a girl 
and
  a complete drama queen
but   with  all the bad  that  happen  can you  really blame  me   for  getting  abit  over  excited 
  when  a  little spec  of  joy  comes  my  way

he was found   i found  him ....all this  time  and i found him   ^{yay  lol}  well sort of 
it's really not  that big  of  a deal
now  i don't expect  for  anything  out of  this 
and
it doesn't change any thing   at all 
as far as  our  views of each other go ......
life happened ...... this  is  me 
and this .....is him
somewhere deep down  
im sure   im freaking out and  want  the old  times  back 
but  thats  all then and  this  is now ......
the past is the past  for a reason 
if  all  else fails .......i've always got  my memories

so  i shouldn't even be  ranting  like   this











^{_{yet still  
im so  happy}}





alright im done for now..........
peaceout maggots
 

ahhhhhhhhhhhh    theres  snakes on this  plane.....     
THERE ARE muthFUCKIN SNAKES   ON  THIS  MOTHERFUCKING PLANE...dont even get me started on that  fucking  movie  lmao

but seriously  if i die on the way to or from italy    you'll know  its  the snakes.....
just kidding 

ok  im gonna  keep this  short  cuz  i  gotta  hurry up  to metro airport   so i won't miss my 13^1/2 hour flight   in about 4 hours _{^{(which  i can't bring anything  on board for.....)}}fuck you fuckin airport security

yes bitches  im going  to italy lol

this week has been so fun  and  today was  boss 
im really enjoying  everything and  i can honestly  say  i love everyone  ....well  this week at least


and it figures  the one time  everyone actully wants  to  hang out  i'll be gone...
:::::::::bastards:::::::::::::::::::
 
 but  it'll be  cool  i 'll  be  banging     i mean  hanging out  w/my  hot  distance cousin  and  or  his   hot  friends  lol

im gonna  be  gone  for a while... so leave me  an awesomely long message on  here or my phone or even myspace ...you know in case  i "decide not  to return" lol

andi guess i'll attempt to write more  in  a few days  or so 
but  now  i  g2g  

                   ciao maggots

It wasn't love it was  merely  a sugguestion


i think  IM the exact definition of  obsessed.......  what the  hell is  wrong with me  
haven't you ever heard  "there's no use in crying over split milk"
it wasn't love it was  only his  a suggestion
why  can't i let it go     
if it hurts  so much   why won't you just let it go  
look at  me  sitting  here  in tears  over  something so trival  
 trying to hold on to stolen memories   of  the  "all that could have beens" 
  its not  like  i haven't ever tried to completely foget about  him   
i just get stupid sometimes  

But that's what  i  get  for  digging  i guess that's what i deserve 
its breaking  me  
IM letting  this break me 
his  memory  alone is  breaking me
why does stupid  change bother me 
i should be glad  and hold  to  the images   that i still had
but im so selfish and stupid  i want more 
i should be sleeping  right now   

not stirring up past bullshit  .or having  a psychological break down...like you said right 


im so fucking stupid      
i should  just do as you said  
and  take  the exit 
after all what better time than now
 what 
i am but damaged goods anyway right ?  
only too deep in  her own  obsession to even plan her day 
 but  i cant and  i wont  let  the little memories that i have  slipway from me
IM so  fucking patheic  someone put me out of my misery  
hit me in the head  with somthing  hard
knock me out     ...put me to sleep
 your  a fuck up    

_{^{Happy birthday me}}

holy hell i'll be 19 in five days
has it really been that long since i wrote in my lj
its weird to think i used to write in this thing everyday or everyother about non- sense

its been a hell of a summer ......... so far
lets recap shall we ....not only in color but in order

 through late mayish /junish - now lol

NOMORe FuCKiNG ScHooL

• job hunting../hanging with xstina
  
• went to cedar pointe ^{_{(over priced bastards)} godamn 4$ pizza slices _{:::shakes fist::::)}}
  
• met the increadably tiny kate moss....yes i called her tiny took pics too
  
• started dating manny^{(after 4 months of liking him)}
  
• broke up with manny after he lied and cheated^{( immediately after 1 month)} 
  
• successfully lived through jayson 's i told you so & "all the time you wasted" speeches ^{_{with out resorting to homicide}}
  
• tested my best friends friendship
  
• got all emo about not going to aaw too see ppl
  
• got in touch with old school friends
• procrastinated.........
•  made peace with jayson
• sat  on top a casino watching fireworks with some one i could see myself falling in love with..again
  headshots and the damned photoshoot..ect