Tall(er) Tales: The Legend of P.P. Pirate
Okay, I figured that my first submission should be something funny and light hearted. I made up the story of P.P. Pirate while camping with my family a couple of years ago. It started as a simple improvisation at the campfire and went from there. This past year, I had the honor of hearing 13 kids chanting "P.P. Pirate!" as they ate s'mores around a campfire. If you have kids, I think they will really enjoy this tale. But you have to do it right! Follow the directions and have fun with it. All I ask is that you pass this along to anyone you know who has a sense of humor. Thank you for reading.
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“Captain!” one of the crew called out. “What do we do?”
Now remember what I said about all that grog? Ye do, right? I hope I ain’t talking to no wall here? Well the thing about grog, child, is that ye don’t drink it; ye rent it. And of course, I…I mean poor Peter Pirate forgot to go potty before boarding the ship and boy did he have to go bad. So instead o’ calling out orders, he ran full speed to the toilet. His men, seeing him run across the deck holding the front o’ his pantaloons, were simply dumbfounded.
“Where ye goin’, Captain?” someone questioned.
“To see a man about a horse!” the captain replied.
“The Royal Navy be right on our tail!” another shouted.
“I’ve got to water the flowers!” the fearless pirate shouted back.
“My dear captain,” inquired one nerdy scallywag who liked to read silly books all day. “Neither I nor the rest of the crew, whom I know you hold dear to your heart, feel that this is an opportune time to run off and hide. I, and the rest of your dedicated crew, would appreciate it if you were to cease your running away and delegate instructions on how to avoid the impending calamity, which is about to befall us, should the Royal Navy apprehend us all.”
“I’m sorry but I’ve got to take a leak!” answered Captain Peter.
Stop laughing! If ye think this be funny then ye be wrong, because just as Captain Peter locked the door o’ the bathroom…KABLAM!!! The Royal Navy unloaded all o’ its canons at once and blew my…I mean Peter Pirate’s ship out o’ the water. The crew was thrown into the ocean where they were scooped out and made to stand in the corner for far too long. They even had to go to bed without dessert? Can ye believe the lack of humanity? But, child, there was one man who was never found. And that man be Captain Peter Pirate. Har!
Now as you can imagine, the Royal Navy was quite upset that they did not find my…I mean Captain Peter’s body. “It would seem your precious captain had abandoned you,” said Captain I.P. Freely o’ the Royal Navy.
“Ye scurvy dog!” a crewman shouted. “Captain Peter Pirate abandoned no one, ye see? He just had to make a pee-pee is all.”
“Did he say Peter Pirate had to make a pee-pee?” asked Officer Seymour Yorin.
Both men began laughing so hard that tea shot out of their noses. “Pee-Pee Pirate!” the scurvy dogs shouted as they danced around like fools. “Pee-Pee Pirate! Pee-Pee Pirate!”
Now don’t ye be laughing at the notorious Pee-Pee…I mean Peter Pirate, child. Stop it now while ye can because ye don’t want to suffer the same fate as those fools o’ the Royal Navy. What happened, ye ask? Har! I’ll tell ye. And I will say “Har!” as many times as I like or ye can walk the plank, okay?
So that very night, Captain I.P. Freely went home to his darling wife and her all about me…I mean Pee-Pee Pirate. Oh, he had a good laugh he did. Until…It was midnight and the clock struck three, waking I.P. Freely out of a deep sleep. Thinking nothing of it, the captain got out o’ bed and walked down the looooong daaaaark hallway to do number one. As he approached the bathroom he noticed that the door was closed. Having to go really bad, the captain pushed open the door and was met with the most blinding light ye ever saw and the most terrifying sound ye ever heard…
NOTE TO READER: Pour the water from the one cup into the empty cup. The further the distance of the two cups, the better.
After that, Captain I.P. Freely was sucked into the toilet and never seen again. Har!
Ye still think it be funny to say “Pee-Pee Pirate?” Well, so did Seymour Yorin. Weeks after the battle, he kept parading and dancing around shouting, “Pee-Pee Pirate! Pee-Pee Pirate!” He even made a song o’ it that was a top ten hit. But I…I mean Captain Pee-Pee…I mean Peter had the last laugh because late one night the clock struck two at midnight and woke Mr. Yorin out o’ his sleep. Feeling the call o’ nature, he made his way down the looooong daaaaark hallway to use the toilet. When he pushed open the door he too was greeted by a blinding light and a noise that sounded like this…
NOTE TO READER: Pour the water from the one cup into the empty cup. Do ye get the point yet?
And just like his captain, Seymour Yorin was sucked into the toilet and never heard from again.
So ye see, child, don’t ye ever, ever make fun o’ Captain Pee-Pee…I mean Captain Peter Pirate. Why? I thought it was quite obvious. Seriously, where ye been this whole time? Because, ye barnacle brain, one night ye might find yerself walking down a looooong daaaaark hallway to use the potty room. And when ye get there ye might be greeted with a blinding light and the horrific noise of my…I mean Captain Peter’s final call o’ nature!
NOTE TO READER: Pour the water from the one cup into the empty cup.
Har!
Tall(er) Tales: The Legend of P.P. Pirate
By
James D’Arienzo
By
James D’Arienzo
NOTE TO READER: In order to properly tell the terrible, horrifying story of P.P. Pirate, ye will need one cup o’ water and one empty cup; the bigger the better. And ye will also need to do ye very best impression of a wicked, no good pirate. Doing the impression of a duck would be plain silly. Har!
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Now there have been many famous pirates to have sailed the seven seas but none of ‘em were ever half as terrifying, or even a quarter as treacherous, or even a tenth as smelly as the one and only Captain Peter Pirate. Who is Captain Peter Pirate, ye ask? Har! Trust me, child, ye don’t ever, ever want to know. But since I like to scare children, and since I had too much coffee this evening, I guess I’ll make an exception for ye. But beware! For the tale o’ Captain Peter Pirate be one o’ dread.
Back in the days when pirates ruled the seas and mermaids shaved their legs, there was one pirate who ruled them all. One pirate who forged the One Ring to…sorry, wrong story. There was one pirate who could out duel any man alive or dead. One pirate who could sneak in under the cover o’ fog better than any smuggler. One pirate who could out maneuver any ship made by man or man-ish looking woman. And that pirate’s name be Peter. Captain Peter Pirate to be exact. Mr. Captain Peter Pembroke Pirate to take it one step too far. Mr. Captain Peter Pembroke Papadopoulos Pirate to make it just plain silly. Har!
Year after year, Captain Peter terrorized six o’ the seven seas, with the Arctic Sea being just too cold for his sciatica. Captain Peter plundered candy stores. He cheated at Tic-Tac-Toe. He even lied on his income tax forms like your mommy and daddy did last year. Har! However, as his naughty reputation grew, so did the Royal Navy’s desire to bring him down. And, oh, how they tried. Har! They tried every trick they knew and even a few they didn’t but the slippery captain always got away. Har! Be I saying “Har!” too much? Honestly, you can tell me. Am I? I am? Well, get over it. Har!
So it was until one fateful day in the fall o’ 17-something-or-other when I…I mean Captain Peter was ambushed by not one, not five, not eight, but two o’ the fastest ships in the Royal Navy. Ye see, Captain Peter and his crew were in port to attend the first ever, 53rd annual Pirate Booty Shaking Contest. And it was at this villainous event that, since it was free with the purchase of each bracelet, they drank grog. Har! Plenty o’ grog they drank. Seriously, they drank way too much grog. Enough to drown a fish, they drank. Har!
So when the Booty Shaking Contest had ended, which was won by me…I mean Captain Peter of course, the pirates shoved out to sea. And it was there that the Royal Navy were waiting for ‘em. They immediately demanded the pirate’s surrender. Captain Peter surrender? Har! Never. Instead, the bold Captain stepped on the gas and charged straight through the Royal Navy’s ships. But as luck would have it, a mid-summer storm was quickly approaching from the west and the wind was blowin’ mad and the rain was pourin’ down like balls of lead. Having been little sneaks about the whole thing, the Royal Navy was closing in fast.
Back in the days when pirates ruled the seas and mermaids shaved their legs, there was one pirate who ruled them all. One pirate who forged the One Ring to…sorry, wrong story. There was one pirate who could out duel any man alive or dead. One pirate who could sneak in under the cover o’ fog better than any smuggler. One pirate who could out maneuver any ship made by man or man-ish looking woman. And that pirate’s name be Peter. Captain Peter Pirate to be exact. Mr. Captain Peter Pembroke Pirate to take it one step too far. Mr. Captain Peter Pembroke Papadopoulos Pirate to make it just plain silly. Har!
Year after year, Captain Peter terrorized six o’ the seven seas, with the Arctic Sea being just too cold for his sciatica. Captain Peter plundered candy stores. He cheated at Tic-Tac-Toe. He even lied on his income tax forms like your mommy and daddy did last year. Har! However, as his naughty reputation grew, so did the Royal Navy’s desire to bring him down. And, oh, how they tried. Har! They tried every trick they knew and even a few they didn’t but the slippery captain always got away. Har! Be I saying “Har!” too much? Honestly, you can tell me. Am I? I am? Well, get over it. Har!
So it was until one fateful day in the fall o’ 17-something-or-other when I…I mean Captain Peter was ambushed by not one, not five, not eight, but two o’ the fastest ships in the Royal Navy. Ye see, Captain Peter and his crew were in port to attend the first ever, 53rd annual Pirate Booty Shaking Contest. And it was at this villainous event that, since it was free with the purchase of each bracelet, they drank grog. Har! Plenty o’ grog they drank. Seriously, they drank way too much grog. Enough to drown a fish, they drank. Har!
So when the Booty Shaking Contest had ended, which was won by me…I mean Captain Peter of course, the pirates shoved out to sea. And it was there that the Royal Navy were waiting for ‘em. They immediately demanded the pirate’s surrender. Captain Peter surrender? Har! Never. Instead, the bold Captain stepped on the gas and charged straight through the Royal Navy’s ships. But as luck would have it, a mid-summer storm was quickly approaching from the west and the wind was blowin’ mad and the rain was pourin’ down like balls of lead. Having been little sneaks about the whole thing, the Royal Navy was closing in fast.
“Captain!” one of the crew called out. “What do we do?”
Now remember what I said about all that grog? Ye do, right? I hope I ain’t talking to no wall here? Well the thing about grog, child, is that ye don’t drink it; ye rent it. And of course, I…I mean poor Peter Pirate forgot to go potty before boarding the ship and boy did he have to go bad. So instead o’ calling out orders, he ran full speed to the toilet. His men, seeing him run across the deck holding the front o’ his pantaloons, were simply dumbfounded.
“Where ye goin’, Captain?” someone questioned.
“To see a man about a horse!” the captain replied.
“The Royal Navy be right on our tail!” another shouted.
“I’ve got to water the flowers!” the fearless pirate shouted back.
“My dear captain,” inquired one nerdy scallywag who liked to read silly books all day. “Neither I nor the rest of the crew, whom I know you hold dear to your heart, feel that this is an opportune time to run off and hide. I, and the rest of your dedicated crew, would appreciate it if you were to cease your running away and delegate instructions on how to avoid the impending calamity, which is about to befall us, should the Royal Navy apprehend us all.”
“I’m sorry but I’ve got to take a leak!” answered Captain Peter.
Stop laughing! If ye think this be funny then ye be wrong, because just as Captain Peter locked the door o’ the bathroom…KABLAM!!! The Royal Navy unloaded all o’ its canons at once and blew my…I mean Peter Pirate’s ship out o’ the water. The crew was thrown into the ocean where they were scooped out and made to stand in the corner for far too long. They even had to go to bed without dessert? Can ye believe the lack of humanity? But, child, there was one man who was never found. And that man be Captain Peter Pirate. Har!
Now as you can imagine, the Royal Navy was quite upset that they did not find my…I mean Captain Peter’s body. “It would seem your precious captain had abandoned you,” said Captain I.P. Freely o’ the Royal Navy.
“Ye scurvy dog!” a crewman shouted. “Captain Peter Pirate abandoned no one, ye see? He just had to make a pee-pee is all.”
“Did he say Peter Pirate had to make a pee-pee?” asked Officer Seymour Yorin.
Both men began laughing so hard that tea shot out of their noses. “Pee-Pee Pirate!” the scurvy dogs shouted as they danced around like fools. “Pee-Pee Pirate! Pee-Pee Pirate!”
Now don’t ye be laughing at the notorious Pee-Pee…I mean Peter Pirate, child. Stop it now while ye can because ye don’t want to suffer the same fate as those fools o’ the Royal Navy. What happened, ye ask? Har! I’ll tell ye. And I will say “Har!” as many times as I like or ye can walk the plank, okay?
So that very night, Captain I.P. Freely went home to his darling wife and her all about me…I mean Pee-Pee Pirate. Oh, he had a good laugh he did. Until…It was midnight and the clock struck three, waking I.P. Freely out of a deep sleep. Thinking nothing of it, the captain got out o’ bed and walked down the looooong daaaaark hallway to do number one. As he approached the bathroom he noticed that the door was closed. Having to go really bad, the captain pushed open the door and was met with the most blinding light ye ever saw and the most terrifying sound ye ever heard…
NOTE TO READER: Pour the water from the one cup into the empty cup. The further the distance of the two cups, the better.
After that, Captain I.P. Freely was sucked into the toilet and never seen again. Har!
Ye still think it be funny to say “Pee-Pee Pirate?” Well, so did Seymour Yorin. Weeks after the battle, he kept parading and dancing around shouting, “Pee-Pee Pirate! Pee-Pee Pirate!” He even made a song o’ it that was a top ten hit. But I…I mean Captain Pee-Pee…I mean Peter had the last laugh because late one night the clock struck two at midnight and woke Mr. Yorin out o’ his sleep. Feeling the call o’ nature, he made his way down the looooong daaaaark hallway to use the toilet. When he pushed open the door he too was greeted by a blinding light and a noise that sounded like this…
NOTE TO READER: Pour the water from the one cup into the empty cup. Do ye get the point yet?
And just like his captain, Seymour Yorin was sucked into the toilet and never heard from again.
So ye see, child, don’t ye ever, ever make fun o’ Captain Pee-Pee…I mean Captain Peter Pirate. Why? I thought it was quite obvious. Seriously, where ye been this whole time? Because, ye barnacle brain, one night ye might find yerself walking down a looooong daaaaark hallway to use the potty room. And when ye get there ye might be greeted with a blinding light and the horrific noise of my…I mean Captain Peter’s final call o’ nature!
NOTE TO READER: Pour the water from the one cup into the empty cup.
Har!
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silly
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