jonboi_net

I feel like I've talked about Kris way too much on FB, so this is just for old, trusted friends.  I don't want to wallow in the mud.  At some point I need to move on.

I got home from the trip on Friday, Mar 27.  I finally got to talk to Kris the following Sunday night.  She acted casual like nothing was wrong.  I asked her what happened and didn't get any explanation from her.  I told her I was surprised she let me come when she could barely communicate in English.  She was like, "well u wanted to come."  I reminded her that I asked her hundreds of times if she was sure she wanted me to visit.  "I also wanted u to come. it was interesting for me to see u in real life." She said we could still communicate as friends.  I told her we couldn't.  We spoke intimately almost every day for nine months.  We weren't in a relationship, but the whole thing feels like a breakup.  "as u wish hun, and as it will be better for u." It was a very brief conversation, and the closeness we had before was not there.

I have not talked to Kris since then, and I don't plan on talking to her again.

I have talked to Yulia and Zhenya, and two more of her friends I had not talked to before reached out to me (Lera & Asya). All four girls were surprised and/or disappointed that things didn't work out. But each of them also felt that Kris was too young and did not take the whole thing seriously. Their impression: Kris thought the whole thing was fun and exciting, got in over her head, and didn't realize she was playing with someone's feelings.

So now I'm figuring out the next step. I dusted off my old OKCupid account this weekend. I really, really hate dating. I know most people think it's exciting, but it stresses me the fuck out. I make friends pretty easily, but I don't make very many close friends. It's even worse with romantic relationships. Putting myself out there and spending all that time & effort getting to know people does not sound like a fun evening. My palms are sweating as I type this.

I did join Meetup to meet new people. Not to date, just to make new friends. I've spent too much of the past year sitting in my apartment. I'm more excited about Meetup than I am about OKCupid. One of the groups is a "pizza lovers" group, and I'm meeting them Wednesday night for pizza.

BUT, maybe I went on the trip looking for one thing and may have found something else. The idea of living in Amsterdam for a couple of years is something I'm getting used to. When I mention it to people, everyone's reaction is, "If you can do that, you'd be crazy not to go." So I'm studying Dutch (Ik ben een man!) and doing a little research on areas that are friendly to expats. I'm planning a trip in September to check out the area I decide to go. Leaving the country sounds scary, but I think I would regret not going on my deathbed.

And that about catches us up to the present.

My plane leaves in two days. I keep moving between mild anxiety and serious freakout.  Right now I'm in serious freakout.  I'm afraid I've set myself up for complete failure.

Have I mentioned that Kristina is only 21?  I'm flying to the other side of the world to meet a Russian girl half my age.  This is not going to work.  She needs to stay in Russia for 2-3 years so she can finish her degree.  My plan to teach English in Russia to be near her in the meantime sounds like a pipe dream.  Even if I manage to win this girl (not likely), it's going to take a miracle for us to be together.

I've posted before about how unhappy and isolated I've felt in Portland the past year.  I've been spending way too much time alone lately.  I'm finally realizing how this whole Russian thing is just clinging to whatever human contact is available.  The fantasy is about to come crashing down, and I'm going to be on the other side of the world way outside my comfort zone when it happens.

I told you I was freaking out!


Edit:  Back from gym and downgrading mood back to "mild anxiety."  Not a good workout, but it felt good to get out.  Also, I found out late Friday that I will have a new boss, and it's a guy from another department that I really like working with.  He has a group of guys who gets together every Tuesday night to shoot hoops, and they play flag football.  So I might have some chances to get back to living again.

This will be the first LJ post this year that doesn't focus on Kristina.  Everything is still good there.  Three weeks from this moment I will be in Russia sitting across from her in a restaurant or walking around the zoo.

This is a self-pity, whinefest about how unhappy I'm becoming.  It's been almost ten years since I moved to Portland.  The first 8.5 years were great.  I had a constant stream of friends and adventures.  Hiking, camping, kayaking, marathons, drinking, drinking, and more drinking.

But the past year I'm feeling increasingly isolated and frustrated.  I have no family here.  I know a lot of people, but suddenly it seems like I can't maintain close friendships.  Instead of having a couple social opportunities each week, I'm doing good to have two social opportunities in a month.  And when I do get a chance to be social, I feel like I'm out of practice.  I'm not sure if I know how to relate to people on a personal level anymore.

Everything is good with work.  I'm doing good work, getting paid well, my job is safe, and I like my co-workers well enough.  I enjoy working more than weekends.  There are some Friday afternoons where I feel angtsy because I'm worried about being bored for two days (talk about FWP).

Whatever happens in Russia, I have to make some decisions this year.  I want to be able to look back and think that I led an interesting life.  It hasn't been very interesting lately.

I think we've finally turned the corner on the annual busy season. I'm ready to start living again.

Anyone remember what it is I do for fun?

Dear, LJ:

I'm still here reading. Not much to post since this is the busy time of year. I've been a bad LJ and FB friend.

I did get this from OKCupid:

We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid's most attractive users.

And I have Chex Mix. Things are looking up.

If any locals are planning to run the Shamrock on March 13, you can get a discount by joining our team: TEAM NAME: THE GREEN MACHINE. TEAM LEADER: LINDA LEE.

http://www.shamrockrunportland.com/

Twenty-eleven. So far, so good. Steady as she goes.

I spent most of the night playing on the YouTubes.

The run is done (really happy with the pace, especially considering the weather), and the groceries are put away. Time to be warm and dry for the rest of the evening.