And to Anne...Haven't stopped thinking about you. I always knew you'd do it!! I'll talk to you when I get home, most likely Tomorrow (((hugs))) Hugs to your lawyer too :D
09:07 pm - ...I feel sad... And part of the problem is that I can't really talk to my family about why I'm sad. When I do it just brings us all to tears and I don't think that's accomplishing anything. I can't write my feelings on FB since too many of my family are there, so I've come back here. Most of 'the family' doesn't even know LJ exists...so I guess I can vent without worrying if I"m going to say something that will make someone else sad.
Today is my nephew's 18th birthday.
I should be happy for him, and I know inside I really am, and I'm proud...but the other part of me, the mourning part...can't get past the fact that his mother didn't live to see this day.
It is so unfair how many occasions that, she SHOULD BE AT AND SHOULD BE PLANNING, are coming up and she's not here. I'm not questioning God. I don't even know if God has anything to do with this at all.
My oldest nephew is graduating from college in two weeks. The birthday boy is graduating from high school in 2 months. My niece should be planning her Sweet Sixteen. And these events will happen but with out Maria. And I hate it. It's almost consuming me. It is so unfair. The kids lost their mother. My brother lost his wife and best friend. And I lost the closest thing I've ever had to a sister.
We met when we were 20 and 21. We were engaged at the same time. We got married 1 month apart. We had our kids together. We both buried our parents together. We vacationed together. We went out as couples together. We enjoyed being with each other. We were supposed to grow old together dammit. We were going to retire together and travel the world and see our kids get married and have babies and sit back and enjoy our fucking lives!
How do I do that now. How do I watch my kids grow and her kids grow and not feel so lost and so angry that she's not here to do the same.
I think about her every day. I think about her when I get up. I think about her when the kids do something that I wouldn't have hesitated to call her and tell her about. I think about her when my house is messy, when I'm cooking, and when I'm on ebay and find one of those stupid rat-like Annalee dolls that she loved and forced me to bid on. She was so much of my life. One would think how can that be. She lived in another state. But we talked at least every other day and some days we talked 5 times a day. When I went shopping I'd find a 'Maria thing' and call her and ask if she wanted me to pick it up. She was always finding stuff for my kids to give to them.
People used to be surprised when I'd say that my brother was coming on the weekend and that they'd show up at my door at 9am and wouldn't leave until 10pm. We would do the same at their house. We knew we couldn't see each other every week so we'd make a full day of it when we did. Before either of us had dogs we'd spend weekends together. You'd think that we'd be wanting to kill each other by the end of the visit, but it was never like that. We always wanted who ever was leaving to stay a bit longer.
I don't have that with anyone else. I don't think I'll ever have that with anyone else.
It's not fair.
How does a 49 year old mother, wife, sister and friend cease to exist. And how are we supposed to exist when part of us is missing. I know no one has the answers. I know I'm just rambling. I guess it was the first of many bitter sweet days to come.
12:46 pm - My New Hero The Little one has the flu and she's been so sick (and mean). The Dr mentioned she could take NyQuil, but I wasn't sure about it. Well last night I caved and gave her some.
OMG I LOVE THE PERSON WHO INVENTED NyQuil!!!!
She slept the whole night and hasn't vomited since yesterday evening. And yes, I'm a horrible mother, I gave her some after she had breakfast this morning. It was the first food she's kept down since last Wednesday. AND NOW SHE'S SLEEPING!!!!
Everyone should give their teenagers NyQuil once in a while :P I only wish I had thought of it with the older one when she was 'dying' last week with an upper-respiratory. Mark my words, I'll remember for next time.
