I think I might be doing everything all wrong.
Studying wrong. Making friends wrong. Percieving my life wrong.
Happiness is a choice! Time after time I choose unhappiness, it is so bizarre.
I don't want to change though, I realize some of the things I am doing wrong. The people who I let annoy me, and by let annoy me I mean when I look at them I get annoyed, they don't actually do anything (usually -- see I am not ready). I can't decide what philosophy I want to hitch my cart too.
Be nice to everyone, or choose who I want to exert my energy on. I flip flop on how to live my life. They both seem right, and taking the middle ground makes me feel kind of unfufilled.
The weather got nice in the last 2 days and I had no idea how strong the cold weather blues choke hold had on me. I feel so happy and everything looks so nice. Sunlight against buildings particularly.
Anna was up Saturday for Sam/i's housewarming party and it was so nice having her around. If anyone makes me a better person its her. She is moving to the city in like, 2 weeks, I am so happy.
Tomorrow I am going to try out this story telling event at a book store in Astoria which I am kind of thrilled about. Wednesday I leave for Boston to go see Ryan, which should be really amazing, mainly because Ryan is really amazing.
Oh and the new modest mouse album just leaked so now I have that to love. Perfect timing.
I am on the cusp of spring break.
Caboooo
I will be relieved to not think about school for a bit. This last semester hasn't been too terrible but I am already kind of feeling myself tense up in pre-stress for the last leg of it. Finals, Final Assessment & all the jazz. Optometry school has been really hard, it realy took me by suprise.
I have to maximize my summer. It may be my last summer of freedom, even though I thought that years ago & it hasn't happened yet. Kaila, a friend from college is going on a road trip and I am trying my hardest to snatch up a back seat spot on that.
Tomorrow I take my last test, tonight I study, tomorrow night I (hopefully) play pinball & see a UCB show.
I feel like I have been a spectator in my life. Like I am not all there. I will be having fun, but not wholly.
Luckily, I have this idea if I start writing about my days again I will be able to uncover my younger POV of excitement, curiosity & well, self involvement. I need to feel better about myself in order to achieve any sort of social success in school. I am just trying to sharpen my ability of squeezing humor out of my everyday, so the everday becomes more meaningful to me.
I know I used to appreciate every day, now I just live through it, not even noting what I am doing.
I am in the midst of midterms week. Its funny sometimes you are studying and you are so in the zone, you are learning, building concepts & bridges and tunnels connecting them. And other times, you are crushed under the crippling desire to not study anymore.
I took my Human Bioscience midterm this morning and it went pretty well. I did missread a question where you have to choose 3 answers, which I was kind of pissed about. I like this class, its super dense, but I want to know how Genetic Therapy works or what’s the deal with the Human Genome. If I am being honest, the class has made me better able to follow my first love: pop science, so that’s probably why I like it.
Tomorrow is Ocular Anatomy, which shouldn’t be too hard, but I am crushed under the desire to not study.
Yesterday Steve & I went to the Upright Citizen’s Brigade to see a Wizard of Oz Musical Parody thing. It was incredible. I want to watch it over & over again, you hear jokes and you just think, “I love that, how did they think of that?” Before the show they had another thing going on that I didn’t realize was going to happen called “The Dead Dads Club” it was about this couple whose fathers died in the same year & how they coped with it. It was this perfect balance of heartfelt humor, offensive humor, serious non-humor, I think the type of comedy they are doing is really hard & really helpful. It did kind of bum me out; I don’t want my dad to die.
“To join the dead dads club your dad has to be dead. That’s kind of the only rule. And if you can watch the end of Big Fish without crying you know you are healed.”
Really on the point.
He is crashing in my room while looking for more long term employment, also known as: anything that is not the University Call Center.
You can only tell people how to order their transcript so many times.
He is out with his friends celebrating IPA day. Two Wegmans Make-Your-Own-6-Pack of delicious hoppy beer, that I think tastes like dirt. I am at home, I cleaned, I painted the cardboard box that houses my record collection and read a little in Murakami's The Wind Up Bird Chronicle, but stopped after a particularly unsettling scene where a character is skinned alive in the Mongolian grasslands. That's the thing with reading, you can't just close your eyes through a scene like that - and I do not skip, I even read introductions and author thank-yous.
I haven't been alone in a while. I am reminded to all the time I spent alone while growing up. It is weird that in the future that won't be the case. Isn't it weird that your parents don't even have their own room? I mean, my do, but that a whole different story. Maybe it's not so weird. I am beginning to get it.
Right now I don't know how I feel about being alone. I kind of wish Steve was here. I could go over to where he is hanging out but then I think am I infringing in guy time? I also think, these people are my friends too, this shouldn't matter. They should be happy to see me. Or happy to see their friend without me. It's all very confusing to me, and I am driving myself crazing imagining what other people are thinking or feeling. I don't have to be alone right now though.
Tomorrow I leave to visit my brother in San Diego for a week. I am going to be alone all week exploring the city while he is at work. I hope I am still capable.
I have been feeling very negative lately, but then I look back to other things I have written months, years ago, and I begin to wonder: am I just negative? I am constantly fighting it, but it ends up with me being feeling negative about my negativity.
Nice one negativity. I see you are a formidable foe.
There is a girl in my house that I have been having these extreme feelings of animosity towards. Like if I just think about her I get mad. She doesn't have to do anything, I am being ridiculous. Yes she is a little high strung and that gets on my nerves, but I really let it get me going in my head. I know if I could just accept her as is I could be happier. Its not like we don't get along, we get along fine, again this is just something I am doing in my head, projecting my anger at the ideas of her being difficult. What a use of my energy right? I am going to try and stop it, actively.
I started writing in here again because it is too easy to not realize the thoughts you are having over and over again that are bringing you down, but when you write about it the pattern becomes clear and it is a lot easier to try shake up a solution. There are other reasons.
1. I feel like I have become a less proficient writer.
2. I have been living like a sleepwalker, but if I stop to think about my day I can begin to realize all the wonderful, different and interesting moments it is made up of.
3. I am studying for the OAT so I need something to do that isn't looking at tagged pictures of this really really really beautiful girl who went to my high school whilst procrastinating
"You know I am only hanging around here till grad school, (s)he swore..."
You know I am happy to not be at home and experiencing the loneliness that is post grad life. But somehow even amongst a bunch of my friends in my college town that I love with all my heart I am still feeling the alienation of it all. I feel a thousand times older than everyone, there is something about my full time work life that doesn't mix well between my friends 3 day weekends and print making classes.
I am under the impression that everyone has to feel this way after they graduate undergrad. Don't think you can escape it by not moving home, reality will still set in. The fact you have to work 2 weeks to cover rent and utilities is my equivalent to being at home bored but saving money. You're either bored or poor, you know? Do you see this? Do you see the tone this entry has already taken? This is how I am CONSTANTLY, I really feel as if there is something off with me.
I am studying for my OAT today. It is nice to have something to study for. You get in these ruts where you think, "oh my god, this is life, you work all week looking forward to your two days off and then its only really one day off because sunday is preoccupied with the thought that you are so far away from your next two days off" Rinse, Later, Repeat. But studying for my OAT shows me that I am going to be doing something different in a year and half, I mean if I get into Optometry school, god willing.
NEGATIVE NANCY OVA HERE
That was the hook, now I am going to tell you all about my day.
This morning I woke up at 5:00 to do schoolwork. Which means I went back to sleep and woke up at 6:00 in order to actually get to real work on time. Which means I went back to sleep and woke up at 6:20 and got to work five minutes late.
I am training to be a technician in an Ophthalmology office in Binghamton. I really like it, I hang out with women all day who show me pictures of their dogs and grandchildren from their iphones. I am nostalgic for the grandpas with the wallet photo flap.
I decided to ride my bike to school today, you just gotta take advantage of fall while it lasts. But then my chain broke, and that was it for my bike, its a goner. So I started walking it back home, fearing I was going to be late for lab, but then I saw bus so I dropped my bike on the sidewalk and got on. And that was it for my bike, when I came back it was gone.
Which was kind of a relief because I would of had to pay for the garbage men to take it.
Its all about that positive spin!
Tonight I am going to make Chili with some of my friends and watch Face Off. Maybe listen to the Moon & Antartica. I am trying to show myself that my life is amazing because lately I haven't been all there, if you know what I mean. I don't know what I mean.
I hope this helps/
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