Wow. I had a wonderful day. It was a really, really great day today.

The weather was overcast and rather cold and windy. I attended an amazing biochemistry lecture today (Pyr-uva-te: Burning grapes/Burning sugar! I NEVER would have thought of that) with Jessica, napped, had a dense lunch, played around on my iPhone (yes I have joined that Apple bandwagon) and met Jessica's Cal friends. All amazingly kind and humorous people. We went to Angelina's, a Cajun-style restaurant and an amazing gelato shop. I got the whiskey flavor-- delish! And we derped around about Avatar (Korra), walked a bit, and came back home. One of the girls I met is a great and amazing Bolin cosplayer. Amazing.

I love Berkeley. The first 24 hours in this city have been great!

... but it was after a weird and bad dream!

I was back in lab (dear lord why must so many of my dreams be set in lab) and E was surrounded by a bunch of lab people, and I could only catch the tail end of what he said: "If I'm going to die, I want to die where I'll be happy." And he had tears glistening his face.

The [current] love of my life was on his premature path to death in my dream, y'all. Not cool.

But I woke up, remembered I am in the city that captured my heard. it is 8:02 AM and here I aaaammm

I am back in the city that captured my heart.

Wednesday was quite an interesting day. My FB status (yes I know, ugh FB) said it all succinctly: After 1 missed flight to OAK, 1 long conversation with a nice random lady who missed her flight to Utah, 1 session of re-memorizing parts of the endocrine system, 1 initially confusing AirBART ride and 1 initially confusing BART ride packed with crazed Athletics fans from the Oakland Coliseum... FINALLY I am in Berkeley!!!!

It was tough getting here, but here I am.

In many ways, I am glad that I missed the flight. I really did get to have a good conversation with a very nice older lady (64 yo) named Mary from San Pedro. She at first started talking to a woman I sat next to who had an alarmingly deep and husky voice. I am sure they would have chatted more if the woman did not have to board her plane to Vegas. Mary saw me reading the Kaplan book I borrowed from A and asked if I was going to be a nurse. I hate those moments when I feel like I have to resoundingly declare my future when I am still so unsure. I simply said, "Oh no, a doctor." And she was very nice and encouraging. I seem to get more support and encouragement from complete strangers than from people I know.

She eventually asked me what my "medical opinion" about tattoos were, which was quite amusing. And then she whispered to me that she found a lump in her breast a couple of weeks ago and that she has another appointment with her doctor when she gets back from seeing her son. I was concerned for her, but I really think she just wanted to get that off her chest (so to speak). The rest of the conversation was on college, her family and its history of cancer, her kids, her history of smoking for 3 years, her numerous grandchildren (10 grandkids at 64!) and her faith in god. I made no weird expression or sound whenever she brought up her faith and how it helped her stop smoking. I am honestly happy she has something that gives her hope and perseverance. Everyone needs something like that.

Mary then told me good luck, gave me a hug and a kiss and left for her flight (after I told her to go, haha). It was nice. Just an hour or so before I was seething with anger that I had missed my flight, but things worked out.

And I studied more of the endocrine system. I am so screwed... but there are more posts and tweets for that shit.

Anyway, I took the AirBART, the BART and met with Jessica and I am finally, finally here. There was apparently a Dogders vs. Athletics game at the Coliseum and I had arrived just as it ended, lucky me. So I was simply pushed and shoved onto the train and I accidentally took some guy's seat. Well, I did not get mugged, I seem to have everything on me still, and I miraculously found my way to Jessica's townhouse.

aawww yiss

Kinda went on a shopping spree and spend $95 today. But it was all on things I will be using for quite a while. Spent $100 on the plane tickets. Going to spend easily about $150 during the Berkeley trip (will update that during and after the trip). And of course Over $1k (I think) on the online class. And $170 a month on Crossfit, $510 total. Maybe the parents will be nice and pay for a part of that. Call the bank on Monday and make sure things are going okay.

Self, you did good by being productive today and cleaning things out. Tomorrow, you will be going to stroke for the afternoon. But you should maintain productivity and expand your brain and make it work out a lot. Take books.

Think of everything as an investment. As an experience. You have the resources to make money in the near and far future so don't feel awful about spending money.

Let me explain to you how my life began anew today.

I was pissed off about everything this entire year. I hated everyone and everything and myself, especially. Sure, you might have seen me goof around and laugh and have a good time, but inside I was screaming and loathing just about everything.

But today, I went to lab and said goodbye to everyone for the summer. I even said a heartfelt goodbye to the other undergrad in lab and gave him a nice hug. :) It was really really nice and pleasant. I wish the best for him.

And I saw him in the conference room with another grad student, and of course my initial thoughts were that they were going to start dating. But I decided not to cuhrr cuz no1 currs. I went inside and announced that I was going to be gone for a few months, longer than I had ever been gone since I started working there approximately 2 years ago.

—-story starts to get retarded below this line—-

We chatted casually and then he gets up and starts to huuuuuuuug meeeeeeeeeee. Being the awkward fucktard that I am, I try to play it super cool and start it off as the awkward one-arm hug. Then I realize that he’s doing the full two-armed hug, and I bring my right arm in to seal the deal. My right hand, ladies and gents, closed up against his back.

His back was so well-toned and very warm through that pink-and-red patterned shirt.

I should have squeezed him harder.

And then he said “Thank you for the cookies! They were really good.” And I jokingly replied, “They weren’t cookies! They were taaartssszzzz” and it was nice.

You know what, I bet sex would never compare to a hug from him. Not that I wouldn’t mind having the former with him

But I’m gonna let this crush go because it’s not going to go anywhere. Whatever. My new life has beguuuuunnnn. And I am soooo content and my own negative thoughts can go fuck themselves.

BUUUT

I started the new [academic] year well. Details soon...

please don't come please don't be there pleaaaase don't.

Today is going to suck.

A few days ago I had a dream I was in lab and I started crying because I absolutely did not want to be there. I felt tired and worn out.

I cried in front of S. and Nr. and I felt embarrassed and awful but I didn't care and kept bawling.

I wish I cried like that in real life. It would be so releasing.

THIS WHOLE WEEKEND WASTED ON THAT POSTER FUCKKKKK

Also

I am really fat. And really ugly. 

Okay actually not 100% sure on the ugly part.

But I have very bad skin now. I need an appearance counselor or something. I've gotten out of hand.

No more binging and will definitely call the CrossFit when the summer begins.