Jeff and I broke up on Saturday night and I didn't talk to him until today. the conversation went as follows.
me: "I think it's immature were not even talking. im sorry i know you're mad but you have to understand."
him: "I think it's immature for you to break up with me over a text. i thought i deserved more. but its okay i can deal with it. i can't talk to you for awhile if I wanna get over you."
me: "Ouch. Wow"
him: "We can be friends, just not right now."
me: "you can't punish me for our differences. you're seriously killing me."
him: "It's alright. your fine!"
me: "I'm sorry and i had a lot of fun with you. I'm crying right now. I still have feelings for you."
him: "I had so much fun with you, too. I love you"
me: "are you kind of relieved you don't have any restrictions?"
him: "yeah I am"
me: "okay..well i'll let you go. sorry for everything love you moonks. I wish you the best life has to offer."
him: "I wish you good things too, kal. Love you too."

I know that we loved eachother. I know that we're different people now and I know that I needed a break. It hurts not to be with him after being with him for 2 years, but I know i'm going to be okay. I'll always remember the amazing spring break we spent together in Florida, and how we would kiss, and how gentle he was. Some of those things I'll probably never find with anyone else. But I know that there's someone better for him and someone better for me. I'm having a really hard time with this right now, but I hope one day in the future we can see eachother and smile, remembering the amazing times we spent with eachother. Maybe we'll meet again later in life, but my path is barely traveled on and I've already been through a lot. His is more walked on with not so much left. At least we didn't leave off on a hateful note, but it makes it so much harder that we're like "love you." I'll be fine, I'm Kalee. I'm always fine. I'll be fine. I just can't think about it. I have to busy myself. I have supportive friends and a great family, I'll be okay. I hope that he doesn't hurt me immensely...but we'll see. Life is so unpredictable.

well after a month long stay in ohio, i finally returned home to seattle yesterday. it sounds ironic saying home to seattle, since i feel like a tourist here still, but none the less. Ohio was interesting..really, really interesting. I started my stay off with steph which i deeply regret. I don't even want to get into the story beacuse my fingers would be numb from both the length and rage while typing. I ended my stay with kelly belly, which should have been my first pick but oh well..i'm super excited because she will be coming to my city oct 15-20 for her 17th birthdayy! :) i'll bake her a cake and take her to dinner in the city or something nice like that! I don't really know where things ended off with jeff..I mean i know we're not together, and our relationship ended probably the worst way possible. He cheated on me with me & kelly. Even thinking about it is too painful to type, so i'll nonchalantly try to move past it even though it kills me inside. I still have the texts on my phone for some reason. I don't look at them anymore, but it's like every time I think it was a bad dream, their there as a reminder. In one way I feel like I should let it all go and it doesn't matter anymore, anyways. In another way I feel like by being so casual about it, it allows him to walk all over me. Oh well, I have no control over him anymore which I'm sure will be of convinience to him considering I'm a control freak in some mens eyes. I said some pretty harsh things to him, but oddly enough I wouldn't take any of them back. It's scary, everything I said to him that day..I meant it. I start school on September 3rd and sometime between now and then I have a 600 page book to read & 4 assignments to do on it. Talk about stresss. The skies here have been cloudy since I got back. Today I had a job interview at forever 21...it went decently well.. I can't help thinking the lady who interviewed me thought I was "stuck up", "bitchy", "just another snob"..you know..the thoughts most people think when they first look/meet me. At least I can be honest with myself, at least I can be honest with other people. I can't believe I've kept this journal for 4 years...crazy. It's crazy to see how my lifes changed. I mean I was in 6th grade in Wadsworth, Ohio. Now i'm getting ready to finish off highschool in 2 years and I live across the country. Never take things for granted, and don't get comfortable with everything. I learned that the hard way. I never in a million years thought jeff would be the guy to do any of this to me, and he was. It hurts more than anything. I mean Kevin's cheated on me before, but Kevin's a tool and somehow getting over that was always easier. I could go back to him and forget about it everytime..with jeff, I can't. Maybe because I thought he had higher standards, or maybe its because I loved him differently. I'll never know, I guess. Maybe one day I'll have a mature relationship. I'm ready for that. One thats filled with lunch dates and studying and late night intelligent talks. I think I'm describing dating a nerd like myself. Because in all actuality, that's exactly what I am. I'm not attracted to jocks or preps at all. There the last people I look at when I go into a room. I always look for the boys that are a little bit different, that's seemed to work horribly for me now though. I feel horrible about myself all over again. I know I'm a pretty girl, I know I'm blessed..but being betrayed by someone you put so much trust in and gave everything to, sucks. I need to write in this thing more, I feel a lot better. My hearts broken in 1000 pieces because he doesn't want me anymore. Well, he says he does. but how could he? So once again, I'll pick up the pieces and find closure somewhere else. I'll try to start over, and eventually like every other guy before jeff..I'll find out how to live without them. I can't think of a single reason I'm still talking to him, but I can't think of a single reason I want to stop either. I love him.

a.) I hate liars.
edit: I hate having friendships/relationships with liars. It makes things so complicated. I don't lie to people, I deserve the same in return. I don't understand how you can love someone but lie to them every single day. I thought that this relationship was really good, and that jeff was the first person that wouldn't lie to me, but he proves that wrong almost every single day. It makes me lose interest, not care. I hate him for hurting me. I don't hate him, but I hate him for what he makes me feel like. I feel like nothing could make him stop, and it makes me angry. I feel helpless in a situation I should at least have some input in.
b.) I am so bored.
I want to talk, I want to laugh. I want to hang out in groups. I want to go on walks, go to parks, sneak out, etc. like i used to. Our relationship is so predictable, so boring. I love being with you but I always know what's next. I want you to enjoy the simple things with me like laying in my backyard. I want you to know my past and I wish you were here longer than you have been. I want you to know that I hate the color purple, that I hate the state of Maine, and that if I had one wish it would be that my life was recorded on video camera and I could flash back. just stupid things that don't matter. I wish I knew more about you. You're so private, so reserved. I open up to you everyday, and you still have your guard up towards me.

I am not caught up in the past, or my ex bestfriends etc..It's just you never ask me questions, never take time to get to know me. Our phone conversations are so blank "what are you doing, what's up"...just...I want to talk about nothing and be having a good time. I can talk all night on the phone, trust me I've done it many times. I want you to want to take risks and adventures with me. I don't have much longer here and I feel like I haven't left you with anything, anything worth keeping at least. You seem so uninterested in anything I have to say. I'm sick of other people thinking I'm so great and you making me feel like i'm just an average girl. I used to have so much I wanted to do with you, and now I just feel like I'm better off doing it on my own..you wouldn't appreciate it anyways.

You've hurt me so much, this isn't what it's suppose to be like. I used to pray and hope for your acceptance, for you to be happy with me. I know that other people love me and that I love me. I can't spend my life trying to make you happy anymore, all you do is hurt me anyways. I love you but I don't feel like its returned always.

so christmas is in two days! how excitinggg. =] i'm going to be at my dads for christmas as usual. i got jeff a hollister sweater, a lebron t shirt, a pillow case with my face on it, and im going to pick some other stuff up! we're doing great. almost one year.. what a scary thing. i don't want to lose him, and when i do it's going to hurt really bad. i've never been happier with a guy. maddie and i are the same old best friends. the gymnastics team is ruling my life! im really close with rachel hudson, though. she's awesome and i love her. we went christmas shopping last night together, and ate dinner, went to kyle fox's suprise party, and ended up back at my house for the night. it was a lot of fun. we just chilled and laughed.
my back is hurt again, so that really sucks. im really upset. it hurts all the time. i just want this season to be over with. i keep telling myself NOT to do it next year. but..we'll see what happens. blah. i feel really happy for once. like i have everything i want and need. i'm such a different person than i used to be. i'm still crazy, obvs. that can't change...but i'm settling down. i wonder what jeff got me for christmas! i will love it no matter what it is. =] it came from him. i'm so glad it's break. the first time i have to relax in forever. i never have time anymore for anything. im sooo ridiculously busy it's not even funny. but that's it for now. ill update after christmas! loveee!

i update like once a month. which i don't really want to do, because i love looking back on these years later and remember things! so i must get betterrr about this. haha. wellll..lets seee...i just got back from bay village a lill bit ago. jeff came over for a little and saw me :D. we're doing greattt. i'm getting really sad lately, though. i mean he doesn't know that, no one does. i am, though. it's just like...i'm enjoying my last year with him before he leaves for college...it's sad, really...

we've been hanging out at my house a lot lately. homecoming was a blast. jeff looked greatttt & i had a really fun time. idkk. this realationship is so much different than the others i've been in. it's really good. but there's times when i wonder about kevin, i'm not going to lie. it's just hard because it's going from two totally different people. they're like night and day. i don't know. jeff and i are 8 months, and i don't see that ending anytime soon. i'm really scared for graduation and stuff. i mean some days..it excites me to think of the start of something new...and others. it just scaresss the hell outta me =[.
I went shopping today with my dadddy. it was a lot of fun. got some pants, sweaters, and earrings. i had a nice time with my siblings, as well. schools going greeeatt. i really want this first quarter to be over, so i can have some finalized grades. that'd be really nice haha. madison & i are best friends again. for sure, no doubt. and i looovee it. im friends with the same people i used to be. it's a lot better. meagan and i arent close at all anymore. not only do we go days without phonecalls, but i havent called her for like two weeks. whatever. alexa and i still talk, but she's busier now. she works, is with chad & jordyn a lot. it's alright thoughh! we still looove eachother hahah.

the drug bust has calmed down, thankfully. i can't believe all that happened thoughhh. crazyyy. idk what else is with me. besides it's my ultimatee fav. time of the year. october and november. it's so nice around this time...tomorrow im having movie dayy with the girlss! virgin suicides and what nottt. i love life!

soo sophmore year has started. i really think im going to like it. madison and i are back to being beseesttt friends. =] it' greatt. jeff and i are 7 months in a little less than two weeks. i think im going to homecoming with jordan, alisa, kelsey and this kid named kevin and of course jeff. it should be a lot of fun! jeff and i are doing welll. we hit a rough spot a couple weeks ago but we're back to normall. meagan and i are not close at alll anymore, which is different. but oh welll. :D alexa, jordan, and i hang out quite a bit. that's funnn. sarah has for the most part disappeared from the picture. i know my grammar in these things is horrriblee.

my teachers arent that cool this year, but ohhh well. i think it's weird alisa and jordan, and so does kelsey. esp. after late night convos but you knoww whatever. theres always akwardness there. ha. tomorrows thursday, which is almost friday. terrrific. =] i have to go to bay this weekend, suck. =[

i should go call my dad.
im not going to say ill update more frequently, cuz i prollyyy wont. oh well!
byeee guys!

so i decided to update because i havent in like a month, and because i alway like documenting because i love to go back in the future and look at them.

so here's what's been up lately, journal, viewers, and whoever else...i've been hanging out wtih maddie a lot lately. and it's greattt because we have the same sense of humour. and i just love her, we're childhood friends. & we clash in all the right ways. if that makes any sense. jefff gahan got shitfaced last night and mike carps, joel, craig, and joey stopped over. along with some other junior guys, which was akward. stayed at maddies house ate a lot, stayed up late, and woke up super early. today i've been pretty lazy, but jeff came over for like 3-4 hours. we were lazy as usual laying around and making food. we attempted to watch the departed, but i can't sit still..so that didn't work out.

things with us are marrvelous! we've been dating for like idk. 6 1/2 months now, and things are greeatt. but..ask me tomorrow, and my response might be different. we don't have a rollercoaster relationship, but it's not all stable. but that's because i'm type A personality and i excpect too much from people. i've come to realize this. probably should work on that. haha. but jeff & i have been hanging out more lately which is nice. between my house and friends houses we're together quite a bit. we're both so different, and i think that's what i needed...i've always kind of gone for the loud, cocky, badass, assholes. i mean i was into that whole "im a bad boy" type deal. and jeffs just a genuinely nice, kind hearted, laid back guy. he's quiet and timid sometimes. and then there's me...genuinley nice, but outgoing and loud. it works...somehow! ha

i should be sleeping knowing that i have to get up for church tomorrow, but somehow i don't think i could sleep if i wanted. i'm going to be a sophmore this year, and for some reason..it doesn't feel weird at all. last year did and so did middle school years, and every year before that really...but this year is just kind of 'blah'. gymnastics will bring drama and will control my life, which sucks..but whatever. most of my gym girls will graduate and my baby is going to graduate, too. =[ that makes me unbelievably sad...

yes yes, meagan and i are still close. not as close as we were, but still close. we're just different people than we used to be..for the better. i'm excited to see what the rest of summer will bring, as well as the new school year! ill update soon!

melissa moved today @ 5 a.m.
yesterday saying goodbye to her i cried for 2 1/2 hours. i was so sad. i love her with all my heart...she was like my little sister. it's so weird seeing her house empty. i mean there's been tons of people in and out of that house at some point or another, but she was always there. i'm really sad, but hopefully i'll see her soon.

on happier notes: jeff & i hung out pretty much all day yesterday. it was a lot of fun. we're like five months. woooo! hanging out again today later. it should be fun, fun! =] i got to see kasie so that was nice.

i'll update later.
i need to start summer reading =[

soo i've been hanging out with the crewww a lot lately.
went swimmingg on monday with like jeff meg mike..some weird cousin named dustin! it was really funnn. =] i love jeffff soo muchh!!

tuesday- blue tip with jefff and everyone then carnival. me and jeff got STUCK on that stupid zipper ride and we almost threww up. wednesday & melissa and i chilled. last night kels spend the night and we watched tristan and isolde...and today the whole grrouupp went to jon jons.

dont feel like writing. haa bye!

so the first week of summer has been really funn!
i've been hanging out with like maddie, marisa, amber, britty k, sarah..all of them.

i had a sleepover at marisas & then mads and rissy came to my house the next day to chill. seriously though...i met these rittman guys & totally freaked them out. then it turns out they had a fucking crush on me. so i'm like haha that's sooo weird! but oh well. =]

i hung out with jeff all yesterday. it was really funn. we're doing gooodd. we've been dating over 4 months. which is pretty good for me. because usually i get sick of the guy, as most of you know. so i'm really happy with that. we watched anchorman and made shells & cheese! and just were lazyy. our tuesday rituall...today im going to chill w/ alexa and then who knows what later. i went up to bay village over the last weekend, and surprisingly, it was pretty fun. i don't hate it up there. went to a party & shitt...

my dad turns fifty in august! i feel sooo weird knowing that. i hope that summer just gets better and better. i'm going to plat city on vaca july 18th, so that will be really fun!

i'm a sophmore now.. wooo!