On last 7/18 I passed the selection for another job...WOW!
The new job is better paid and also more interesting...as long as accounting can be, of course, but, anyway, it's very better than my actual job !!!
I'll start my new job around 9/15 but now I know I've not to stay here forever, and that's great...even if I can't have any summer holyday, this year...and it' very hot, here :((
About food: my next scale-date is next monday...but clothes fit better...and I stay awake on night due to cravings, that means I'm loosing weight...

     

current mood: hopeful

Just to tell everyone I'm still alive...even if it'sn't the best part of my life, anyway...a part from the fact that this w-end I'll buy my PC and I'll be able to post at home and not just at work, like now, that there are always people around and I've to write as quickly as I can ;))

I'm 45 kg heavy and I stay away from food all the day, but when I came back home I start eating every kind of shit due to my bf (bf?? we don't even fuck..just shout each other): I mean: I eat not 'cause he forces me or even wants I eat, I eat 'cause I look at myself and see such a bitch that eating is a way for stay away from thinking seriously about finding a solution to all ...I eat, so I can say ' I'm fat, I deserve this life, here with him' ...idiot??? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

current mood: busy

I really need to update my journal...I mean, perhaps this is the only way I have to express myself for what I am, and maybe if I write down things I can better see them, too.

1. weight-related stuff: I'm going well. My weight was 43 1/2 two days ago, and even if my favourite jeans are still too small, I feel good...just diet ginger (1,6 cals for 100 ml) and watermelon (I think it's the name, anyway: the melon that outside is green and white striped and inside red with black 'things').. I feel empty enough to avoid hating myself too much, and it's better than usual, trust me. About SI: I can control my nails when there are people around, and if I can't I go out of the room before...so: better than usual!
2. my bf: we spent together all the last w-end...and we shouted less than usual. We went to the cinema and watched at 'the Island'. Fine. We had no sex at all...as usual. He isn't interested in me as a woman, but just as a person he can shout against to and discuss, discuss...without telling anything, just to listen to his own voice.
3. my bf's sister will marry her stupid, fat, selfish fiancee next 29 september. I'm not invited, of course. I found it out by chance: a friend told me , 'cause she thought I already knew. I mean, i currently live with her brother: couldn't I know that she was marryng?? I didn't know, and when i told my bf why he didn't tell me, he answer :' you know that my parents and relatives don't like you and don't want you around...I didn't tell you about my sister marriage 'cause I didn't want to make you feel sad'. "sad"??!!?? I don't feel sad. I don't like them too. They have the right to consider me as a german little bitch. But I'd like they give me a chance, before judging me...maybe I'm that, maybe I'm just german. The most ironic/dramatic thing is that I really thought that his sister (age: 35) considered me as a 'friend'...not a real friend, maybe, but not an enemy, and that she was old enough to take her own decision about people to invite to her own marriage. I was wrong. OK. I'm always wrong. And he loves me, even if he has not the courage to tell his family ' ok, I choosed this girl, no matter what you think'. So, next 29.9 I'll be at work, and he'll go alone to the party. Ok, it's what I deserve, anyway. I'm a little stupid skinny german bitch.  
4. I bought a wanderful pair of '70 sunglasses at local flea market at 2 €. I do love them
5. the weather is awful, and it's caming cold. 
6. I'm beginning to look around to choose my PC. I almost saved enough to buy it...
7. two days ago I was watching at telly and they told about our communities, that are dangerous for young people and so on...I felt violated. Is iot possible that I can't find any space I can feel free in??

current mood: working

I keep on working 'till 7.00-8.00 p.m....'cause I need money, it's obvious...but especially 'cause the more I'm at work (or anywhere else, but not at home) the more I can stay away from food!!
And I've to say that it's a good solution...for at least two problems:

1. by the end of next september I'll afford to buy a PC
2. and I'm loosing weight...even if I don't know how much 'cause I'm afraid from scales :))

I can't wait to buy a PC!! I look forward to be able to post+reading my friends' post...it would be great!!!