| mark heller |
[Apr. 30th, 2007 at 08:44 pm]
Sheena Maria
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| [ | currently lurking via shennie book from. . . . |
| | muh bed. | ] |
| [ | i feel. . . |
| |  crushed | ] |
today is marks birthday hes 32. he died on january 12, 2007 he shot himself. nothing tears me up more than to think about the fact that i was with him on january 11th and i went to leave at 5 am b/c i had to work and he was like please dont leave. please dont leave. and i left. . . if i would have known that that was the last night that i had to rub his tummy until he fell asleep. or the last night to fall asleep on his chest. . i would have gladly missed work to take that opportunity to love him for as long as i could. i barely made it to the funeral that was one of the hardest things i went through. i loved him. i wanted to be with him. i never really did anything but joke about it b/c i always thought i had time to let things grow. i thought i had time. . . now the only thing i have left is the sweatshirt he wore the night we hung out and memories. . . and grave to visit every now and again. i went to his grave today for the 3rd time since he has passed. I just cried and kept asking why. why the fuck would he do this. i would have given him the world. ANYTHING HE NEEDED. all the love he needed. I would have given him everything. . . why. . . I guess my world wasnt enough for him. I guess he needed more. I read through all of the comments he left me on myspace and i laughed. i cried. i smiled. I miss him a lot. I regret I never got to do the things I wanted to do with him. I regret I didnt spend as much time as I would have liked to. . God i miss him. . . I miss his face. I miss how flushed and red i got when he walked by me. I miss his beautiful smile. I miss his sarcastic sense of humor. I miss his hands. I miss sleeping on his chest. I miss rubbing his tummy until he fell asleep. I miss his beautiful eyes. . . I miss everything about him. . . I would give my everything for one more night with him. To have that feeling back again. . . What hurts me worse is that. . when he did drive to metro beach where he took his own life. He text messaged some other people but not me? why not me? Theres also this girl who always says that he comes to her in her dreams. . . is she just crazy or do people really communicate with the dead and if so.. WHY NOT ME? I dont have dreams about him. . .he doesnt come to me. In fact I go to his grave and yell at the dirt and rub the top of his grave as if its his chest one more time like it was the 11th all over again and he doesnt talk to me. . . WHY NOT ME.
mark heller. I love you. happy birthday man of my dreams. . . i hope wherever you are you're happier than you were here and hope that i will be with you soon and we can kick each other and fall asleep together soon.
i love you.
rest in peace. |
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content
aggravated
bouncy
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discontent
awake