I see the diffrence between us, dont you say we are the same, you cry those tears of darkened flesh, and i cry that sweet sky blue, tell me what did i ever do to deserve you...

Current Juke: Bush- This Cloud
Current Mood: drained

why am i so afraid, its not the first time ive tasted pain.....

Current Mood: geeky
Current Juke: ahmed being silly

These are a set of short stories I wrote not too far apart, the first in early July, the second in late October. Both are non-fiction although very fantasy like, and go within the same story line, one before Melodys death, and one after. Some of you may have read them, although I feel the need to post them here for easy access.

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:) happy reading

Current Juke: ohGr- Earthworm
Current Mood: contemplative

I stood there, lame, and in question of why I truly had not took my life the morning before. How pleasant it was, the air stingingly cold, my fingers starting to go numb and the moon just a sliver, a tiny silver sliver so magnificent and untouchable... I find it so breathtaking, knowing I am able to live in the same existance of such a massive land of beauty, yet if you were there, standing there on the soil of that land, I'd imagine it would be so dull, an endless desert of dirty white... and this earth would be the thing that captures on-lookers eye.

No matter, there I was, standing in my driveway staring up at the sky. The sun just starting to reach across our horizion which lit the housetops with an orange hue for a background, and the upper most of the sky still pitch black with purple streams inbetween. The light breeze forcing the frons of the palmtree next door to sway. That tree has been there through all the storms, all the heat, and all the frost and yet it still stands there, lively, to enjoy the chilly gusts of wind.

I looked down at the ground, and once again I was overtaken by a forsaken sense of hopelessness. I sat down upon my driveway on one of the stepping stones of a red shade, and let my tears mix with the dirt sitting sweetly in the small cracks between the bricks and small white rocks, and got lost somewhere deep within my thoughts.

I cried until the white rocks were no longer white, but mud ridden, tarnished to grey; my cheeks stung from wet tears sticking to my makeup and it felt as if they were freezing onto my face. The sun was rising, here comes my nighttime, where I can dream of everything that remains unchanged in this fragile dream of my past. Ashamed of the shattered remains and tattered ashes I now have of this riddled presence called life, and with that I sulked back into my dimly lit room.

Current Mood: gloomy
Current Juke: Enya- Watermark

Ashes, ashes everywhere; I'm covered in ashes. The soot from the now burned out flame has stained my hands black, and scorched my pith. I stare in the mirror asking when exactly did I change.. what the fuck did this to me? How do I fix it, where do I go from here?

You are born to live, love and then die. I have lived, and I have drove the only one I've ever truely loved to suicide.. with such shame what do I have left other then death? Everything is pointless, we live to die.. we live to encounter countless pointless cycles of lust, torment and self pity to end up in the same place we were before we entered this world... eternal nothingness.

Anyway, I'll get to the reason for this post:

This morning a wee bit before seven a.m. came I went for a walk.. it was going to be my last walk; finally to let myself out of this cage I live in and the endless nightmares and taunting by my own mind. I gingerly climbed up the largest tree with the thickest branch I could see over the numerous treetops and looped the chain dog leash around the branch; the loose end through the loop which is used to hold while walking the dog, and then opened the clasp to and locked it around the center of the leash and put it around my neck, a perfect noose. I sat there and cried and cried for a good hour because I started seeing the kids walk to their bus stops.. if only I could be happy with a simple life like they are.. but the truth is I have never been. I cant seem to figure out why or which of the many things in my life which were filled with tragedy made me this way. I could only imagine what my father would say once he found out the news.. I could only imagine what those who have known me and speak at me would think.. and it made me want to push off the branch I was resting my weight upon harder. Such selfishness they have.. the only reason they would bother to care at all is because they'd have to fill the void and learn to adapt; nevermind my suffering. I was born to learn to be selfless...

The mean while, more I looked on, the swamp, the birds, so much beauty... so indifferent to me or my life, my death, my mistakes, my suffering or my losses... I looked down once again. I could see my body hanging there already, snapped neck from the impact, but still the signs of strangulation, lifeless but happier then ever before. Or maybe thats just because I wanted to picture it that way.

As I was lusting the fall I look downward again, but to the left, which I knew my body would sway to and smack against another tree; and I spotted a flower. A beautiful yellow flower more vibrant then the sun itself. Now being I have a love for flowers you could not possibly fathom I just had to let myself down to go pick it. And when I did morning dew seeped out from the stem, and it was like the tears I had just spilled. It was weeping in death, just as I was... and the beauty over took my body. I sat down near the swamp and savored the stench...

I came up with this, no one can hurt me now, other then myself, and nothing can save me from the mentality I have built because it has defined years of living and without it I see all will be lost... so where am I left to find hope? Where am I to find the will to live, or to die for that matter? What do I do when the only thing that can make me smile is the thought of never living another day, never hearing another voice or noise, never having to see smiling faces, or those who claim to care but only care when it's convenient to them? What do I do now that I don't get fucked up everyday so I am too numb to feel sadness...?


......I am lost.

Current Mood: crushed
Current Juke: HIM- (dont fear) The Reaper