I CANNOT STAND THIS CURRENT OBSESSION WITH SKINNY JEANS!!!!!!!!!! WHY IS THE UNIVERSE TRYING TO MAKE IT SO GOD DAMN OBVIOUS TO THE WORLD THAT I AM FAT???????????????????????

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Anyone watch this last night? It was really good. Really good way of highlighting mental health issues and how anyone can be affected by them

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00fm5ql

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/tvandradioblog/2008/nov/05/horizon-how-mad-are-you  Here's an article about it.

THere is someone with anorexia in the house. It's not very clear, but it seems that all the people who have mental illnesses are 'recovered', but then the OCD guy said he deals with it every day, maybe when they said recovered, they just meant that the illness was more managable or something.

ANyway, all the people in the house have been deemed fit to be there be a bunch of psychs.

THought I'd give a brief explanation of my comment about the catholic woman whose daughter is gay.

I went to a talk by a charity called Parent Line. They're based in Glasgow and offer support and advice to parents of LGBT children - off all ages. So there is a woman who  works there and she believes stongly in the catholic faith. She deals with parents who are struggling with their faith in the whole experience.

The woman is amazing. It was so refreshing hearing a religious person not speak out against LGBT issues or push them under the rug. She talked a lot about her own experiences of having a lesbian daughter. Basically, she had a hard time coming to terms with it but came to see her daughter as being a wonderful, talented, caring, loving woman who is gay.She is on a mission at grass roots level to speak out in the Catholic Church about seeing people as a whole person, rather than focusing on the one thing - their sexuality. Through listening to her and talking with her afterward, I really feel like I connected with her. I have the quote on my facebook - 'Will God judge me for loving or you for hating.' This woman really emanated that message. She spoke a lot of love and respect. I have so much respect for her and the work she has done. She spoke of many sisters and priests who have taken the message from her and believe strongly in it. She spoke about how the real homophobic messages are coming from higher up and how her work can be a constant struggle.

She was giving the talk to an LGBT group, so she was preaching to the choir so to speak. I don't know, I guess reflecting on her just really makes me think about the people in my life who are religious or have some ethical belief that leads them to not approve of homosexuality, and it really just made me take a reality check on the whole thing.

I'm tired right now so forgive me if my thoughts are not clear. The jist of it is in there.

I have always maintained that people who are homophobic have the right to think what they think, have the right to say what they say because everyone has beliefs and has the right to express those beliefs. Just as I am passionately for homosexuality, so are others passionately against homosexuality and in many ways I thought we were the same.

Well that's what I used to believe. I'm not sure what's changed my thoughts - the election, my recent increased activity in the LGBT movement or Monday nights talk from a Catholic woman  about her struggle with a lesbian daughter in the catholic church (the woman was amazing). I suspect it is a mixture of all three.

We do all have the right to express our beliefs - yes. But with those rights come responsibility.  I belive in homosexuality because I believe in love, in respect and in freedom. I believe that there is more than one facet to a personality. I believe that women who love women and men who love men can bring up a child as its parents and be amazing parents. I believe that a same sex relationship can be every bit as meaningful as a different sex relationship. I  take full responsibility for my beliefs and I would defend them to anyone. I am proud of who I am and what I stand for. I would take a public stand and share these beliefs. What about you? How do you feel about your beliefs?

I believe that we are largely a product of our culture. I believe that our parents mould us into the adults that we become. I believe that our environment has a large part to play in who we are. I also believe that there comes a time when you must question your own cultural beliefs and take responsibility for your own thoughts, words and actions.  It's one thing saying that you don't believe in gay marriage because you are a member of the church and because you are in line with the church's beliefs. Do you understand the consequence of your stance against gay marriage? Do you understand that there are millions of couples out there who are denied access to childen, denied seeing their partner on their death bed, denied access to the resources that they have spent years building after the death of one of them, all because they are gay? What would you say to a lesbian who is not allowed to see their partner of twenty years on their death bed because they are not 'family', what would you say to a child who is being taken into care after the death of one parent and denied access to living parent because they are not 'family'?  Do you understand how your beliefs effect others? Yes there are legal documents that you can use to back you up in the above situations, but anyone who has half a brain knows that those documents mean Jack Shit when it comes to it.

I think people have to stop hiding behind the church and behind their religious beliefs. Hatred is hatred, no matter how you dress it up. And for the record, I am not the same as someone who believes passionately in a 'non gay' world. I am different, because my beliefs are based on respect and love. I really am very confused by people who claim to be loving and religious, yet stand against LGBT issues.

Why can't you just ove a person for who they are? THis isn't a hypothetical question, I am actually asking it.

I feel a sense of empowerment in writing this. However, I understand that the people who I really wish would read it probably stopped doing so at the title.

I suppose I should add, although it's probably obvious, that I am thinking about America with this post. With the Civil Partnership Act and adoption laws, life for LGBT people in Scotland is actually pretty good in comparison with other countries. I guess I'm thinking about America for various reasons, which I'll elaborate on later, but mostly cause of Jo and her life there.

I can feel myself changing. A lot has happened in my life lately. I heard this statement a while ago with relation to ED recovery.

Some people change when they feel they heat, others when they see the light. 

I've always thought of myself as someone who needs  the heat, and believe me I've had plenty of it; medical crises, relationship issues and the other unmentionable.

But I believe that I've recently seen the light. I wasn't suddely blinded by a 1000 watt torch but rather guided by the glow of a few candles. As a result, change has been in the air and the overriding theme of this change is 'stop treating thyself like shit.' The strangest thing that has happened since I've stopped treating myself like shit is that I haven't put up with others treating me like shit. This was a welcome if unexpected side effect of my candle lit journey. I have found a voice within myself that I remember having right before I developed an eating disorder at 11, a voice that was systematically bullied into silence by ED. I am enjoying the empowerment I have experienced lately.

I'm sorry if I haven't been reading or commenting on other journals recently. I'm not going to make excuses. Part of me is just overwhelmed by the changes that are happening in my life. The other part of me is reevaluating things. I just need time to do that.

p.s.  the bank preempted my public protest. They are sending an agent out to talk to me. They didn't actually know about my proposed protest so I think preempt is the wrong word. However, I do find it ironic that I received a letter telling me about the visit on the morning that I was intending to protest.

Forgive my unfiltered stream on consciousness that seems to be coming out right now. I am trying very hard not to think about something and it is making me so angry. I am trying so hard to holdback thoughts on this particular something that I can't holdback anything else. So I may seem angry and Im sorry if anyone is offended by anything that I write, I'm not targeting it towards anyone in particular, it's just that a lot is pissing me off.

Whats pissing me off right now is when people say things like 'I'm here for you', or 'You can talk to me about anything' or 'I'll do whatever I can to help you' I swear to god, next time someone says that to me I am going to slap them. I have lost count of the number of people who have said these things to me but I could write on the back of a stamp all the names of the people who have actually followed through with their word.

I know that people lead busy lives and I in no way think that i should be a priority in anyones life (except maybe Jo's). I just wish that people would say 'I'm sorry but I can't deal with that', or 'I can't help you' or give me the old chestnut 'I can't help you, but I know a man who can'.  I know that it would hurt me to hear those words, but I am just so god damn sick of people who tell me things and make me trust them and then watch me fall flat on my face without doing anything.

I have so much more respect for the people in my life who have told me flat out that they don't want to get involved or that they are not able to cope with whatever it is, because I know where I stand with them. I am not about to cut people out of my life because of that, I actually find it very admirable, because I know that they are thinking about me and my interests as well as themselves. I just wish that people knew what I go through when they make promises and don't follow through. I wish that people would stop using me to make themselves feel better. I am not a fucking good deed waiting to be done, I'm not a bloody charity case. I am not a way of making you feel better about yourself. I am a living breathing human being with feelings, thoughts, experiences and a FUCKING MEMORY

Me

So Jo and I are skint - who isn't right now? we made a temporary arrangement a couple of weeks ago with BOS through a financial advisor to pay less than the minimum amount on our cards, without the normal repercussions. The bank accepted the arrangement but they call me literally six times +  a day to remind me that I have not paid the minimum amount on my recent bill. The conversation goes like this -

BOS - you have not paid the required amount on your bill
Me - I know we have an arrangement to pay £x per month
BOS - I see that. we are calling to see if you are able to pay any more
ME - NO, I can't
BOS - WHy not?
ME - BECAUSE I CAN'T AFFORD IT AND FUNNILY ENOUGH MY FINANCIAL SITUATION HAS NOT CHANGED SINCE YOU LAST CALLED ME TWO HOURS AGO
BOS- do you have any friends or family who could pay it for you
Me - NO
BOS - ridiculous question after ridiculous question

It is total harassment and its really getting to me. I feel like shit. I don't care what my financial stiuation is, there is no reason for calling me six times a day. It's just really getting me down. I hate having to say six times a day that I can't afford to pay my bills. They are doing this every single day and they just wont stop. I am getting to the end of my tether with them, I came off the phone tonight and just started crying. I've tried ignoring the calls but they are very persistent, plus they sent me a rude letter when I ignored the calls for a while, saying that an agent would come to my house. I've tried deleting my phone number from their records but that didn't work. I can't afford to pay for a number blocking service.

So on Friday I'm going to my branch to talk to them about stopping the phone calls. If they say they can't do that (which I think they probably will) I am going to refuse to leave. It's as simple as that. I cannot take their harassment any more. They have left me no other choice. I literally will refuse to leave at 5.30 when they close. Tney touch me, I'll have them done for assault They can get the police to remove me. Maybe while they're arresting me, they can do something about the harrassment from the bank.

I'm just the type of person who can take a lot of shit until the final straw comes, then people really do not want to know me, because I am so god damn head strong and will not stop til I get what I want. I know it pisses people off a lot, people think of it as one of my negative qualities. I don't know, I do know that the way they treat me is unethical and I deserve better. And I'm going to get what I deserve, I don't care what it takes.

I wonder how many Americans know that they are the laughing stock of the world. I struggle to imagine what it's like to live in a country whose media contantly reports one side of every argument, never allowing people to think for themselves, never exposing them to things as they really are. Sometimes my friends and I watch the American news stations on BBC 24 and we just laugh because that is the only thing we can do.  I think people are largely a product of their culture and I don't believe in the widely held beliefs that Americans are stupid, or ignorant, or rude or hateful. I think there are too many people leading America who are stupid, ignorant, rude and full of hate. I remember living on campus the year war was declared on Iraq. My uni sent out an email to all American students telling them to be careful of being 'obviously American' at that sensitive time, because of attitudes towards Americans. I wonder how many Americans living in America were aware at the time of these attitudes.

I'm watching some American media coverage of the Meredith Kecher murder. (British woman murdered in Italy). The family of one of the accused, an American girl, are talking. The reporter is asking them "when they expect to get their little girl back home", no mention of the evidene against her, no question of whether or not she's guilty. In the US media's eyes, she is a white American and therefor could not possibly have done anything wrong. The family are highly critical of the Itallain system, the media guy is not questioning their obviously biased beliefs. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

There are a million examples of media coverage in America that is extremely biased - coverage of Hurricane Katrina, coverage of the war in Iraq, coverage of issues relating to Guantanamo. I don't mean to be culturally biased, but if similar issues in Britain were dealt with by the British media in the same manner, there would be massive uproar, it just would not be acceptable. No system is perfect and there is a lot wrong with the British media, but America just takes it to the extreme.

There isn't just biased reporting, there's also the way that senior officals are treated by the media. Anyone who has ever seen the likes of Jeremy Paxman interview politicians will know what I'm talking about here. I guess in the British media eyes, noone deserves respect just because they hold office. They believe that everyone should be torn apart and every single flaw exposed so that people can judge for themselves. I think this works, maybe others don't.


Random rant over, need to get back to working

Me