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i love and hate how the only way to kill the pain
is to find my way to the bottom of cheap vodka
and a pack of cigarettes


oh

by they way

happy new years

Here's to you for giving me that high.
Let us raise our glasses for you
for all that you gave to me
and then took away
Because of your excuses, blame, and major insecurities
i became the victim.
Your mind games will be your downfall.
Hopefully you'll meet someone that will do the same for you.
People get what they deserve
it comes back 3 fold (or in your case, many times over)

Dont trip too easy, you've fallen enough already
and will cintinue to fall as time goes on.
I'll give you some of the best advice i ever received
-"If you're unhappy, the only person that can change that is you"
Obviously i took that advice, and hopefully your heart will fall as hard as mine has except....you will always be the one to blame.
you live with that

Maybe you will actually face yourself and take the mask off
(Which really makes a thud when it falls)
Unlike how you couldn't even be a man and face me.
Maybe you don't take advice from friends, but i care enough to listen.
They sniffed you out like a bloddhound. And like a domino effect, they all began to see the real you as time progressed.

But you always expected that from them right? However....

YOU CAN THANK MY MOTHER


The problem cant only be me, but you sir Chris
Hopefully light will shine in your corner of the world
But only until you EARN it
So good luck on that path
You're the one that almost sent me back down that way
I earned my right to happiness
That's why you are no longer in my life
Be a MAN, stand tall,
refuse to accept other people's bullshit like i have,
be the one to break someone's heart
before they break yours

With lots of love and lots of luck
Jameson

im not sure how much of this i can take
i constantly get angry if im not with him
if he's out with friends...even his family
i get angry at him for that
is that normal?
i never want to be separated
yet tomorrow he has the entire day off
but doesnt want to see me
*i also have the day off
i used to feel appreciated
i'd always get validation of it
now i just sense boredom
he acts like he has more fun with his friends
than he does with me
he keeps a lot of his life secretive
and that irritates me
ive got nothing to hide
and if he wants to know something...of course he'll hear it
i cant even look at his damn text messages
or he deletes all 130 of them....

how can i expect to hand over myself
when i get nothing back?

my day went very well today
got a small taste of big campus life
and spent 400.00 on books



then my car died
and now im pretty sad

Okay, so I left my list at manda's house...so i may forget a few...but i'll definetely update them
-Work lots
-make lots of money doing so
-buy a ghetto fancy Sable
-Visit Steven and James' roof a lot
-watch glowbugs with manda
-Hangout with Don a lot, but never invite Richard :P
-Lay on the roof with James and Manda and watch stars
-Drive around in thunderstorms listening to the Mamas and the Papas
-Become close friends with James and Donald
-Make midnight trips to the tridge
-Take morning trips up to the Coach House just to drink coffee w/ Manda's dad.
-Take manda to the casino.....just once!
-Then take Sandra and hit the jackpot
-Lay by the Edenville Spillway and watch the Mexican people fish all day
-Take as many pictures of friends and good times that i can
-Be nice to Richard for once
-Take a small road trip?
-Actually EAT Nunn-Better
-Buy two Link kites and go to the park
-Always play in the rain and make it to manda's just to do so
-Enjoy the idea that i have 3 months of nothing
-Go to Don and Richards w/ David and get lots of hugs
-Go with Steven on plenty of summer escapades in town
-Go to Lil' Chef at 4 a.m. and order waffles/pancakes
-Hangout with some of the Delena's crew
-Do as much as I possibly can while in Chicago

More to come :)
it will be a great summer

So its been about a month since my last post, but really..nothing special has been going on. March has actually flew by...but the weather's not improved much. Its only 11 days away until my birthday! But i dare not hear any birthday bullshit...which includes things like songs, cakes (except from manda's mom), presents, or cards. Simply say..HAPPY BIRTHDAY and be done with it. Anywho...ive been working, lots, and its kept me busy. And when im busy, im happy. I now only have one goal, besides graduating; To own either a 1995 Mercury Sable LS Sedan...or *drools* 1999 Mercury Sable LS Sedan in Black. So, im saving up....its not going very fast...but i'll get there. I might even get money for it on my birthday or graduation or something since now im only going to school part time to just getting my associates..and learning my parents business instead. Ok...done typing...bored now

yeah, so i havent updated in a while
and there's a good reason for that
I havent done anything worth posting
I mean...i've had a good week so far
just nothing extravagant.
Coffee 2 days in a row was great
*black pants*
my hair, great
hanging out with brittany and melissa, great
seeing someone puke in their car and then again in the mcdonalds parking lot, great
seeing if they only sell buns at mcdonalds, great
Baked potatoes at Kaelen's, great
Biscuits and Gravy with Melissa and Abby, great
Getting scott to get us cigarettes, great
(except for the four i had to give up)
skipping school today, great
melissa's senior pics, great
and now im going to eat tacos and watch drawn together, fabulous
(along with this great hoodie melissa gave me :) )


sry if i forgot anything :)

Grrrrrrrrr
Okay
So ive finally decided on the whole education situation
where i want to go
and i finally have some direction
(though its not much)
yet
im not sure about another part of my life
rakdlkalkjvtakc,
Im very confused
there's a feeling i want something
but i really don't know if i can have it
just yet