Time doesn't wait for me

xxfenwaynation @ 2011-07-11T22:12:00

2011-07-12T02:11:53Z

Finally, closure

Any time I thought about the situation with Katie, the more I realized, with the insight of friends, that she was controlling everything and that the situation itself was controlling me. So I took it into my own hands. I sat down and put everything I had in my head about our past, present, and future, onto notebook paper. I ended up with a 5 page front and back letter, and I sent it out in the mail to Katie, effectively putting the ball in her court.

Well she finally responded today, confirming everything I thought. She was real nice about it. Told me she loved me as a person, truly hopes i'll be happy. Shes glad I'm doing well. But she doesn't love me that way anymore. She says shes the person she is because of me, shes got nothing but fond memories and is grateful for what ive done for her. She regrets any pain she caused and wishes shed communicated everything to me better. But that it simply couldn't work out.

I respect her decision, you can't force love. I have nothing but fond memories of her, and have never had nor will I ever have any ill will toward her. But the silver lining is that finally I can say it's over, and not dwell on the whole will we won't we thing. I responded to her with nothing but nice things because I still think she's a great person. I told her to live her life, to be happy doing what she loves, surrounding herself with people she loves. I wished her the best in everything, told her my memories of her are nothing but fond as well, and that anybody whos life she touches should consider themselves lucky.

I can't be friends with her. It was a big mountain for me to climb getting used to the idea of not being with her. Afterall, it's all I've known since I was 16. It would be quite another very high mountain for me to climb as a person to be able to be truly happy for her being happy with somebody else. And maybe I'm selfish, but I'm just not there yet as a person. Hopefully someday I will be, and I'll be able to give her a call and tell her I'm happy for her. But not yet, and not soon. I still deep down want her to be happy as a person, because she deserves it. I just need to not have it staring me in the face while I enter the next major phase of my life, and my development as an adult human being.

So that, as they say, is that. It was sad reading the email, but in a different way. I can finally move on. She will always be in my heart, and I can never forget her. I can only hope and pray I find somebody I love that much again, and odds are I will, someday. But as for now, life moves forward again. Until the next life event, livejournal. Thanks for sticking by me.

xxfenwaynation @ 2011-05-20T03:53:00

2011-05-20T07:53:33Z

What a difference 24 hours makes. I feel pretty good, and see things in a pretty new perspective. It may be a bit too soon to tell but I think I'm finally ready to tackle life as it comes and just be happy. Thank you extremely much everyone who played a part in helping, you know who I'm talking about.

Short one tonight, but I leave you with a quote: "If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. Don't bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay."

xxfenwaynation @ 2011-05-19T03:26:00

2011-05-19T07:26:14Z

I've made quite the effort to rid myself of any form of thinking about her. I went a good 4 weeks without so much as looking at her name, including avoiding her facebook page at all costs. Unfortunately though, while I was checking to make sure I still had exactly 222 facebook friends (no more, no less for as long as possible), I saw her in the first few friends I had displayed on my profile with a new picture. I must say she looked beautiful in it and it made me click on her profile. Somewhat of a relapse, but whatever.

I still miss her. A lot. No I don't listen to sad songs on purpose anymore. I don't sit around asking why, feeling sorry for myself. After almost 6 months now of being separated, I've finally let the real reason why we broke up actually sink in. She just simply didn't love me anymore. Or maybe she loved me a little bit but not enough to stay with me while she went off to find herself. And that's not true love then. I mean it still sucks but at least it's a reason. I can honestly look at myself and say I'm doing much better right now than 3 months ago or even 1 month ago.

I think a reason that I still can't fully get over the hump is that my future just seems so unresolved. While we were still together, pretty much the only unresolved thing was what city we'd live in. But I knew there'd be a job, there'd be money, a wedding, and someday kids. I mean we'd been together for 7 and a half years, and we'd made it through college which is usually a relationship death trap. As little as 6 months ago, my whole future was planned out. And now nothing is certain. I have no idea when I'll get a job, what it'll be in, where it'll be, where i'll live, how long i'll be single, when i'll move out, anything. And in the grand scheme of being a 24 year old, that's probably not as abnormal as I would think. It's just a pretty big system shock when everything kinda spirals to chaos at once from a state of calm. But i'm pretty sure once I get something in the win column (like a job plz) things will get much better much quicker.

I think that if I never initiated contact with her again and deleted her from my facebook, I would never hear from her or know a single detail of her life. I think shes made up her mind to never speak to me again. I mean I made that decision too (temporarily at least), but there are a couple times I've had to email her for business related things, like letting her know when people are gonna come see the apartment or asking her to let the realty company know that the lease won't be renewed. No responses. It was more than 3 months ago now I told her sorry for blocking her on facebook and that I'd like to talk once in a while to see how she was doing. She said that'd be nice, and that it's understandable that I would block her and that she understood I needed time. But that's the last time we spoke. Maybe it's for the best.

Sometimes I wish she had just cheated on me or something. Or at least told me it's over for good, forever. It probably would have made it a lot harder at first but at least I'd be able to say I hate her. Or, well, now it's over and I can just move on because she's never coming back. But as long as she left that door open, even if it's only open 0.001%, I'm always going to wonder. If and when I go out with another girl, I know I'm going to hold back from her and that it's going to feel wrong. I mean how am I going to be able to commit to someone else when in the back of my mind there's going to be that voice saying that i'm making the biggest mistake of my life by being with the wrong person?

I still can't make up my mind. Part of me wants to just make the commitment to myself to never have contact with her again and accept whatever life throws my way, eventually falling in love with someone else (God willing) and never thinking twice about it. Another (slightly more vocal at the moment) part of me still wants to hold out hope that one day we'll get back together and resume what seemed (and seems) so right. Part of me even wants to openly go for it when the moment is right (be it in a few months or a year or more) and just ask her to come back. Most if not all of my family would strongly advise me to pick option A, since it's the safest and comes with almost no risk and still a lot of potential for happiness down the road. But matters of the heart aren't really logical matters are they.

At this point I'm babbling and I've said all I need to say. Thanks as always for reading.

xxfenwaynation @ 2011-03-16T05:25:00

2011-03-16T09:26:15Z

It seems I am a glutton for punishment. The past two weeks have been brutal. Its been what, 7 weeks since I've updated this thing. I've had good times, bad times, super optimistic times, super pessimistic times.

But damnit, it has been more than 3 months since the breakup and i'm doing just as badly as I was the night I moved out of Boston. Not an hour goes by where I don't think about it. And not only does thinking about it keep me up past 4am every night, but I'd say that I've dreamed about her every night for the past two weeks. Sometimes we're together in my dreams and I'm extremely happy. Sometimes we start out not together and she takes me back. Sometimes we're not together and I'm upset about it.

I listen to sad songs on purpose. I look at pictures of us. I read old AIM conversations and then read the ones we had after we broke up. I can't stop.

And you're thinking the same thing I'm thinking. Jesus Christ dave, get the fuck over it, get over yourself, stop feeling sorry for yourself, think positive and move the hell on with your life. And we're both absolutely right. The worst part is that family and friends have answered the call every time I've needed or wanted to talk about it, and I STILL feel like crap all the damn time. It's to the point where I get super nervous every time I'm sad about it and just never say anything anymore because I don't want to talk about it and have people thinking "oh man here we go again, having the same damn conversation". I don't want anybody to think they aren't helping me because they do help. I just bring myself down again.

We haven't even talked since that phone conversation we had at the end of January except for a quick IM exchange in the beginning of February where I told her sorry for blocking her on facebook and that we should keep in touch every once in a while. But clearly cold turkey isn't helping (though maybe it's not hurting either). Trying to get close to another girl didn't help and actually made me feel worse.

My logical math brain is telling me to just move the hell on, get a job, get money, move out, and find another girlfriend when I'm ready. There will be other girls and chances are I'll be able to find one who's right for me.

My super sentimental romantic brain is telling me that there's a chance for us in the future and that in however many years we'll get back together and our first reunited kiss will bring me to joy and tears all the way to wedding day. After all, it was true love (at least on my end), and she was my best friend.

Both of those sound completely awesome and at the same time sound like completely terrifying risks.

The answer is inevitably live life and see what happens. Whatever is meant to be will be. But how the hell do I do that without driving myself completely insane, or getting stomach ulcers from the constant stress of obsession? How am I supposed to pursue what's "normal" when I haven't had to live life without her since I was 16? How am I supposed to build new relationships with anybody when I'm carrying such a huge scar and suit of armor from this one?

I was always semi proud of the fact that I was kind of a sentimental guy. While I never exactly seek them out, I'm always able to appreciate a good love story or love song. I get tears at the ends of really sad or really happy movies. And I always seem to attach memories to objects or smells or even words. But it's working against me now. Pretty tough to rid yourself of memories of someone when everything youve built for yourself since you've been an adult has been shared with someone.

Now I'm just rambling and feeling sorry for myself so I'll stop. Thanks for barely reading. My mom wakes up for work in 6 minutes and I'll feel like a tool if I'm not at least trying to sleep by then.

xxfenwaynation @ 2011-01-24T17:52:00

2011-01-24T22:52:45Z

I saw Katie Saturday night at my old roommate's birthday party. I was cool until about my 7th drink, at which point I started to get extremely depressed. All I could think of was wanting to be with her. But most of all, I couldn't shake the feeling that we SHOULD be together. Shes changed a lot in the past couple months. She's more social, more confident. I thought she was already well on her way to accomplishing what she wanted to accomplish.

So tonight, I took a chance. I spent hours figuring out what I was going to say, and asked her to call me when she got home from work. When she got home, I spilled my guts. I told her how much progress I thought she'd made, how special our relationship was, and how it'd be crazy to not give something like that a second chance.

In hindsight, from a logical perspective and from probably a mutual observer's perspective, this was a bad idea. But I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I hadn't.

Basically, she told me she couldn't do it. She wants me to move on. Find happiness elsewhere. Prove that I can be happy elsewhere. But most of all, she just doesn't want to be with me right now. She's not looking for a husband, for a serious project. She felt if we got back together, it would be too one-sided, and she wouldn't be as into it as I was.

So I told her that I'm sorry, but I don't think that at the moment I can be just friends with her. I honestly tried. I talked to her on the phone, on AIM sometimes, I tried to hang out with her on Saturday. But it was always just too hard. In fact, looking back, the best and most positive days I've had since the breakup were the first couple weeks when we had zero contact with each other. So we're just not going to talk for a while. Whether that's days, weeks, months, longer. I have no idea. But I need to get over her before I can really be friends.

So that's that. In every sense of the word, I am now a guy who has had the reset button in life pressed completely. Back at my mom's house with no job, no girlfriend, no real commitments.

There are two ways that can sound: one, man what a loser. 24 year old single jobless guy living at mom's? But I choose to look at it as a stepping stone in my life. I have a plan for myself. First comes the job, then the apartment, then new people enter my life, and the cycle repeats.

And maybe when that time comes, and I've forgotten about how I feel right now, maybe Katie and I can be friends. Maybe in 3 years we can be more than friends. But I need to live under the assumption that we won't. Besides, maybe I'll realize how silly it was to have held on for this long and will have completely moved on. Only time will tell. But I'm done holding on to it. I need to live my life from now on moving completely forward.

xxfenwaynation @ 2011-01-19T22:51:00

2011-01-20T03:51:11Z

I seem to talk about nothing but Katie, but it's what consumes my thoughts. Besides, it's my journal.

We had another long talk today. I had some questions in my mind that I needed her to clear up and she did. I asked her if there was anything about me, or anything I did, that might have made her unhappy with the relationship or pessimistic about our future and she said no.

I asked her if she hoped that our relationship would end up working out when she comes back from the peace corps and settles into her own life, and she said yes, as of right now she does hope for that. I asked if she'd prefer to test the dating market first, and she said she'd rather not actively look for another person or go on eharmony or anything when she's ready to get serious again before considering me. And a serious relationship is out of the question right now for her before leaving for the peace corps, she called the idea "disturbing" and that she needs to be on her own for a while.

I know that I come on strong sometimes, and the questions I ask might make someone believe I'm neurotic, but sometimes I just want answers and Katie was willing to provide them.

The only variable here is time. She's not graduating until the fall, she's going to work long enough to pay off some debt and take my mom off her loan as a cosigner, and then she'll be in the peace corps for 27 months. That's the main point Katie keeps stressing. That it's pointless to discuss these things now because 3-4 years is a LONG time and everything could be different by then.

It could be up to 4 years before I can realistically think about her and I taking another crack on it. 4 valuable years in my youth that I don't want to waste, but at the moment I want nothing else, and nothing else would make me happier than to be with her for the rest of my life. She was the one. I can't imagine anybody more perfect for me in every way. This wasn't some dumb infatuation with someone who after 1 year I thought was the love of my life. We were together for 7.5 years, nearly a third of my whole life. You don't spend 7.5 years truly HAPPY with someone unless they're right for you.

But what if she meets someone? What if I don't date anybody seriously for 4 years and she comes back from the peace corps engaged to someone else or serious with someone else? What if I myself move on, and she comes back single and ready to mingle, and I threw away an opportunity to be with someone amazing with whom I already have such a strong foundation?

I don't know what to do. I got all the answers I wanted to hear from Katie...she hopes for the same thing I do. Given the gun to her head choice of wanting to seek someone else or start again with me, at the moment she feels she'd rather start again with me. But freaking time.....4 years would be such a ridiculously long time to wait and anything could change between now and then. How do I stop obsessing about it? It consumes my every thought. It doesn't help that I have no job to distract myself.

Maybe it's just because I'm still hurting from the pain of loss. Maybe I just miss her a lot and it will fade. But I want to wait for her. My life will advance...I'm going to get a job, pay off debt, get an apartment, get a cat, take trips I've always wanted to take, see my family more, see friends more, etc. But I want to share my life with one specific person, and I already know who that person is.

Call me silly but everything would be a ton easier if we had split up because of irreconcilable differences between us. When a couple knows they aren't compatible, they just aren't, and they can both move on and look for someone more compatible. But Katie and I are PERFECT as a couple for each other, we just aren't in a place in our lives and maturity levels where it can work. Which is pretty much the most helpless feeling imaginable.

I need help livejournal. Am I being horribly stupid for wanting to wait? Maybe I decide to wait but in 2 years I'm over her. Maybe in 2 years she's over me. Maybe she meets someone, maybe I meet someone. Who the hell knows? In the meantime though, I'm worried about myself. I feel anxious and helpless a lot. I think about it constantly. I don't know what the right decision is. I feel it would stupid to wait 4 years from someone who you have no idea will still like you or even be single, and I feel it would be equally stupid to put her out of my mind, get over her, and say goodbye to any chance of spending the rest of my life with the girl who I know is perfect for me and would make my happy from day 1 until my deathbed.

**EDIT**
I'm somewhat calmed down now. I know the answer. Take life as it comes. If it's meant to be it's meant to be, etc. I know all that. My mom has told me that. My brother has told me that. Katie has told me that. If it's meant to be it'll happen. So I guess that's it. I'll wish for it but will have to accept the possibility that it won't come true. I just hope I don't drive myself insane in the meantime

xxfenwaynation @ 2011-01-18T20:12:00

2011-01-19T01:12:18Z

I'm really starting to not believe in coincidences. Since the breakup things have generally been going well for me. Small ups and downs but mostly positive, seeing good people, enjoying time with friends and family.

But today was a real crappy day for some reason. I just could not stop thinking about Katie and missing everything about our relationship. Not for any particular reason, just out of the blue. Then early in the evening she sends me a text. She said her friend tom was moving in for the next 6 weeks and she needs my keys.

So of course, like most guys I know, I had a mini freak out. A DUDE moving in? So i texted her back asking to call me when she had a free second, and she did. I mean who texts their ex boyfriend out of the blue after 4 weeks telling them that their closest male friend is moving in?

But she explained to me that her and tom's relationship is as plutonic as can possibly be. Which was evident, I mean i would come home from work sometimes and they'd be in the living room playing video games. And Tom has a girlfriend. And Tom's father apparently said it best when he said "if they wanted to hook up they would have by now".

Anyway the point of all my rambling is, Katie and I were able to actually have a good meaningful talk for the first time since the move-out. I asked her if she misses me and she said yes. I told her I didn't want to give up on her. Understandably she stands by her decision still. She wouldn't be able to live with herself if she didn't go into the peace corps and have that life experience. But I'm not giving up on her and she knows that. Maybe I'll meet a girl between now and the time she comes back. Maybe I'll stop liking Katie. Maybe she won't have any interest in me when she gets back. Life will come as it comes. But I'm not actively giving up.

Anyway she was afraid to call or talk to me because she wasn't sure of my mental state. Understandable. Telling her the story of my trip to the bar with Brian felt really good. I want to still have her in my life, even if I do still have to block her on AIM and Facebook so it's not rubbed in my face whenever she's online. But talking to her every so often makes me happy, so I'm going to do it.

Is it so hard for us to just do whatever the hell makes us happy?

xxfenwaynation @ 2011-01-06T18:44:00

2011-01-06T23:44:31Z

The first week went by great, the second week got tougher and tougher. We had absolutely zero contact until yesterday (Jan 5th, 12 days after the move).

Today we talked a little about business (the lease on the apartment, etc) and she said shes planning on working for 6 months or so after her graduation in the summer/fall and then heading out to the peace corps for a couple years. So. That's that.

It's weird now sitting here, slowly coming to the realization that there is no shot at renewing the relationship, seeing as how she wont be back around until between 3-4 years from now. It feels extremely helpless. I don't want to imagine having to pursue somebody else, see if they're right for me, see if I can picture being with them long term. I've never exactly been a 'try to get laid' kind of guy, nor will I ever want to be.

But i'm going to have to. Not soon. I don't even know how I'd start. But life must go on. It's pretty depressing having to sit around while the person you thought was perfect for you for 7 years goes off on her own.

xxfenwaynation @ 2010-12-29T20:13:00

2010-12-29T01:15:05Z

I'm home now. Each day that goes by gets a little easier.

I thought I was doing alright during the week before the move. Katie and I had a nice talk and decided to be friends. I'm not sure how good of an idea that is. She did do a lot to turn my life upside down. We were never friends before the relationship so I've only known her as a girlfriend. It'd definitely be a hard adjustment if it's possible.

I moved home on Friday. Everything was fine until a few hours after I settled in. It was extremely sad. But Saturday went by, then Sunday, and its been a little easier each day. Katie and I have had zero contact since our goodbye hug Friday.

Between you and I, journal, I don't know if I hope to be with her in the future. Would holding out hope subconsciously hold me back from pursuing someone else? I feel like Katie and I have such a good foundation, but we both have a ton of growing up to do. She needs to be more confident in herself, take control of her own life, and be able to take care of herself.

I also realized that, coming from living with my mother to living with Katie, I have only been living with very nurturing people. Perhaps I've become lazy and let people somewhat "take care of me". I think, before I am able to settle down with anyone again, I need to live truly by myself and learn what it's really like to take care of myself. Once I do that, is it crazy for Katie and I to get back together with our biggest flaws erased? Or will we just remind each other of our past, of a time when we were nothing but immature kids who viewed each other as their own security blankets?

Time will tell. I don't want to make it seem like I'm waiting for Katie because I am not. The chances of us getting back together have seemed less and less from day one. But I am not going to rule it out completely.

xxfenwaynation @ 2010-12-16T09:25:00

2010-12-16T14:25:07Z

The mornings are the worst. Every morning, I wake up with her but I'm alone. I wanna tell her love her, kiss her goodbye and say I'll miss her, but I can't. I might never be able to again. It sucks. Then I walk to the bus and go to a job that I can't wait to leave.

Usually I feel better at night. But this is pain unlike any I've felt. My family keeps advising me not to wait around for her. Live my life. Move forward. I want to do all that. But I also want her back. No offense ladies but in 7.5 years I haven't met any girls who I have more in common with and get along better with, and whose personality so closely matches exactly what I'd want in a partner. I want to win her back in the future so bad. I'm not gonna put anything else in my life on hold, but she will be my goal.

Which begs the question. Should we stay friends? I don't wanna cut her out of my life. She said there's probably a better chance of getting back if we stay friends, even though there's no way to know. But talking to her and seeing her is really Damn hard knowing we aren't together. I dunno what to do.

xxfenwaynation @ 2010-12-15T13:23:00

2010-12-15T18:24:34Z

Another morning, another long conversation between us. But I think everything is hashed out that needs to be hashed out.

I straight up asked, is it that you don't want a relationship at all? Or just not one with me? And she just does not want a relationship. She needs to be alone. And I understand.

I told her I was mostly upset because I hadn't had as long to get used to the idea of us not being together. I missed the little things like calling her honey, or kissing her goodbye and such. She said she still cares for me. She gave me good advice that I should go back to Connecticut, find a good career that will fulfill me and be something that I actually WANT to do, and things will fall into place from there. I agreed. I hadn't really thought of it before, but I think it really would help me to be doing a job in something I like.

She was really there for me this morning. I went from pretty upset about everything to feeling decent about everything. I mean, it's still crappy that I can't be with her, share my potential career and life with her and share in her life, but it made me realize that I really don't want her out of my life completely.

I know it sounds like I'm rationalizing everything, giving her the benefit of the doubt, making excuses for her for what she did, and planning on waiting for her. But that's not the case at all. I'm going to go back to CT, live my life, and be her friend, nothing more. We won't talk everyday, every week, or even every month. She is not going to hold me back from anything. Sure, there will be a little hope in the back of my mind, but that's it. It will not make decisions for me. I just don't want to shut her out of my life. I still care about her and she proved to me this morning that she still cares about me.

xxfenwaynation @ 2010-12-14T22:34:00

2010-12-15T03:34:41Z

I bombarded her with a boatload of questions tonight. Maybe I was being ruthless. But I think the past 7.5 years of our lives means that I deserved to know what went wrong. I didn't get the answers I wanted, but nonetheless, I have the answers, and can now begin the healing process.

She simply does not want a relationship. She battles a lot of demons in her life. Socially, psychologically, even with her family. I was a positive aspect of her life, but for now she needs to be alone and independent, take a firm charge of her own life for a while without being tied down by responsibility. At first it struck me as her being immature, acting like a college freshman, but she insists it goes deeper than that. And it probably does. My brother says I have trouble understanding it because it's not how I think and it's not what I would do. Makes sense. I hope she finds what she's looking for.

I just have to accept the fact that she's willing to lose me forever as a result. It doesn't necessarily mean that our time together meant nothing. Just that it would be more of a detriment to her to keep going and always wonder deep down if she has control over her life or if the things in her life control her. Maybe I have it all wrong, who knows.

All I know is that now I can start to move on. I'm not naive enough to think I'll get over her soon. I've spent probably 5 of the 7.5 years together 100% sure that we would be married and have kids someday. But I have no other choice. She has made it clear that there is no way of knowing what the future holds, so theres no use living life differently. She wants to start having life experiences and she advises me to do the same. It'll be an adjustment.

I know I'm rambling. I can't even follow what I'm typing, I hope you're faring better.

In 2.5 weeks I'll be out of the apartment. I wish it was more like tomorrow, but that's not to be.

xxfenwaynation @ 2010-12-13T18:02:00

2010-12-13T23:03:33Z

I'm having trouble getting over denial. When Katie first dropped a bomb on me last month, she asked me if I would be open to a "break" from the relationship. So, now that we're "broken up", I'm holding onto hope that it's really just a break and not done forever. I honestly can't tell, but it seems like it's closer to forever. I asked her the other day if we had a future, and if she hoped for a future, she said she hopes so, but she "can't see that far". She hopes we become better people and better people for each other.

This whole ordeal, it seems like she's of the mindset of "this is how it has to be, I'm sorry dave". But I don't see any pain of loss in her. It makes me almost feel like the 7.5 years meant nothing to her. Even though that can't possibly be the case, right? Why won't she just let me know I meant or still mean something to her?

The thing I missed the most about today? Kissing her goodbye before leaving for work.

xxfenwaynation @ 2010-12-10T22:32:00

2010-12-11T03:32:37Z

Its been a while since I updated this thing. Maybe I'll write in it more now. I'll cut right to the chase though.

After 7 and a half years together, Katie and I are broken up. We'd been together since I was 16 and she was 15. Last month, she asked me if I'd be open to a break from the relationship. I was blindsided. She said shes depended on me too much for everything in her life. I've been her security blanket and because of that, she hasn't taken chances, made close friends, or been an independent adult. She has also felt like shes had to take care of me, and shes tired of taking care of people. So, Wednesday the 8th, she told me that we had to break up, and that was that.

She left to go out with a friend very shortly after telling me. She was still gone when I went to sleep, and was asleep on the couch when I got up to go to work. After work, I left for Connecticut before she got home from work, and here I am now. The plan, as it stands, is for me to move back here to CT, regroup, rebuild, and try to heal a little bit.

It's hard. I can't help but have it be the only thing on my mind every minute of every hour. This whole thing was purely on her. This was her decision, it wasn't the decision I would have made, and it's certainly not what I wanted. Everything that I loved, and everything that I had envisioned for my own future is now completely wiped away. It hurts like hell. Everything reminds me of it.

She realizes the magnitude of what she's doing. I ask her if knows the risk shes taking. Does she love me? Is she trying to let me down easy? She insists that she still loves me, but had to end it because it's that important to her to live for herself for the moment and be independent. I understand what shes saying, but man it is the opposite of what I would do.

I don't want to think about dating again. I don't want to think about HER dating again. It has been 2 days and I miss her a lot. I have to spend 3 weeks in Boston, living in the apartment that we shared, before I come back here for good. I'll probably be able to handle it okay...until the last day or so. Man thats going to be tough. If I think I miss her now, I can't imagine the day I move away from her for good.

It's dumb to plan on anything for the future with regards to the relationship. I hold out hope that one day, when she's ready and confident that she is the person she was looking to be, that maybe she'll call me up and we can start anew. Even my mother and stepfather tell me it's never dumb to hold onto hope. It's just hard for me to imagine life without her right now.

I know that time heals all wounds. I feel 0.001% better today than I felt yesterday. I have the greatest family. Parents, brothers, even my brother's 6 month old daughter made me smile today. But it's the times when I'm by myself with just my thoughts that are the toughest. But I will get through it.

If I'm being honest with my own journal though: I would give anything in the world to still be together.

xxfenwaynation @ 2010-01-30T09:37:00

2010-01-30T14:37:47Z

If, even 6 months ago, you had told me that in the very near future I'd be going to bed before midnight and that sleeping past 9 would make me feel like crap, I'd tell you that you were insane.

On another note, is it weird that I'm actually surprised when a customer complains to me about a problem, and after I explain to them the reason for the problem, they're actually understanding and nice about it? I never used to be a cynical person. I still don't think I am, I just seem to think that everyone hates banks for some reason.

Some butthole has robbed like 10 banks in Boston and its suburbs in the past 4 months and nobody has been able to catch him. Also various other buttholes (even some women) have been popping up in the warning emails that get sent to my manager. Robbing a bank has to be the most incredibly idiotic thing. If you're that desperate for money, rob a gas station or a convenience store, maybe even a person on the street (Note: I am not condoning such behavior). If you rob a bank, you're not only looking at the normal punishment, but it's a freakin federal crime as well. Goodbye normal life for you.

Holy God, I just remembered Sox tickets go on sale in 32 minutes. Thank you brain for searching yourself for things to discuss in here. So on that note, lets wrap this up.

Sports and video games, along with work, are the only things I am interested in. I've yet to decide if that's bad or not. I'm 23 years old. Am I supposed to be "mature" by now and take an interest in politics? I don't know, maybe. But why should I force myself to take up interests that aren't....interesting to me yet? The more I go through life, the more I've tended to think it's best to do what's best for you and the people you love. That means doing things you love without shame, and making sure your family/friends know you care (though don't force it if you really don't).

Chelsea's on in about 3 hours. It's always nice when they play on Saturdays when I'm not working.

xxfenwaynation @ 2010-01-28T19:24:00

2010-01-29T00:24:19Z

Everybody knows that the public can be real jerks, but can we all agree that going up to a service counter (whether it be paying for fast food, buying tickets or books, or, you know, making routine bank transactions) while talking on your cell phone is just a giant slap to the crotch? You can't even tell the person you'll call them back in 20 seconds so you can at least put up the illusion of acknowledging that a person is handling your money? Let me tell you what though, those people never get a 'have a nice day' from this guy. Maybe next time they'll use the ATM.

When will people learn

2009-11-10T13:08:18Z

Well, that makes two paypal claims against me, both of which have been quickly decided in my favor. There wasn't even a doubt about this one, and I'm still baffled as to how the guy thought he would win (unless he was counting on me not responding in time).

What happened was, on September 7th I sold my Xbox 360 on Ebay. Everything's cool until October 23, where he files a paypal dispute against me. The problem was, I had forgotten to change my paypal email address to my current one, so that message was sent to my Bentley email (which I never check anymore). So yesterday, November 9th, I decide to check my Bentley email, and notice that there has been a dispute against me, which was elevated to a claim on October 30th, and they needed a statement from me BY november 9th or they were gonna rule in favor of the other dude. Lucky I checked it eh?

The guy's "statement" in his defense was that, he bought my Xbox 360, and then sold it to another customer in October (I guess he runs a gaming store or something). His only statement was "Sold this to a customer and the next day, he brought it back with an E74 error. Can I please return this system for a refund and get return shipping for it?". Yeah, in your dreams pal. So I said in my statement something like, listen, I never had a problem with the system in my life. After I sold my Xbox to this person or store, surely they tested it before selling it to a 3rd party. As it changed hands yet again, I don't see how I should be to blame if it breaks"

So, less than 24 hours later, they ruled in my favor. I've learned not to do business on Ebay for video game machines. Either you get broken ones shipped to you twice or the people try to screw you. But oh well, glad it worked out for me.

In other news. The job is going well. I don't feel completely lost anymore and am able to answer some customer questions, albeit not all. And I had 4 vacation days to use before Dec 31 so I'm using them this week. Since Wednesday is a paid holiday, I get this whole week off. I'm gonna go pick up Modern Warfare 2 today and have a ball.

Also, my birthday is in 3 weeks, Saturday Nov 28. I may have some people over. You're invited.

xxfenwaynation @ 2009-10-10T12:57:00

2009-10-10T17:04:15Z

If MLB ignores the problem they've been having of awful umpires in this postseason, then consider me convinced that we need replay on all bad calls (other than balls and strikes). This is getting ridiculous.

CB Bucknor, standing in an awful position to begin with, doesn't see that Youkilis turned and tagged the runner right on the hip a step before he reached first. Whatever, that one was more bang-bang. But still clearly an out. Then later in the game, Youkilis jumps to catch a throw then stomps down on the bag, literally about 3 steps before the runner gets there, then falls off. Bucknor somehow rules Youk never got to the bag. Unbelieveable. Worst call I've ever seen live.

While CB Bucknor's AWFUL calls at first base in game 1 of Sox/Angels ended up having no effect on the game, two other glaringly awful calls ended up being much more critical.

- Brandon Inge gets hit by a pitch with the bases juiced in the 12th inning of the one game playoff. Even if it's just his jersey, that's a HBP and a run should have scored. Randy Marsh said nope. The Twins ended up scoring to win in the bottom of that inning.

- Joe Mauer hits a clear double down the left field line in game 2 against the Yanks. Not only does it hit Cabrera's glove in fair territory, but it lands on the ground about a foot inside the line. Phil Cuzzi, standing 10 feet away, rules it foul. As a left field umpire (which exists only in the playoffs!), his ONLY job is to rule on balls like that. Unbelieveable.

You tell me what the harm is in letting the ump go look at a replay for 2 minutes. How many seasons have to be changed before the hardcore purists (I used to be one) realize that seasons are decided on these awful calls?

You can go on and on about 'blah blah blah the Tigers choked, up 3 with 4 to play, shouldn't have been in that spot', but that is 100% irrelevant. What happened happened, and they were in a play-in game that deserved to be called correctly. A call was missed that very well may have put them into the postseason. Same goes for any "blah blah blah, Mauer ended up reaching and the Twins loaded the bases with 0 outs and didn't score". Irrelevant as well. You telling me Mauer's not scoring from 2nd when there are 2 singles after his at-bat? Kthxdi.

Someone called into WEEI last week, who claimed he is a current umpire in AAA who has worked with CB Bucknor. He said that MLB doesn't have any kind of merit system for deciding who gets to do playoff games, but rather it's a fraternity and a lot of it has to do with seniority. MLB decided that if it was a pure merit system (like it used to be in the 1970s), then the same umpires would do the world series every year and umps started to complain.

......SO THE SHIT WHAT? If you want to work the world series, then, uh, be better.

xxfenwaynation @ 2009-03-18T13:31:00

2009-03-18T17:56:52Z

Sup Livejournal. My favorite part of the sports year is almost upon us. We've got the NCAA tourney starting tomorrow, the US is in the semi-finals of the WBC, I get to watch them pick who Chelsea plays in the Champions League on Friday, said Chelsea match and the start of the baseball season in early April, and the NBA and NHL playoffs start in mid-April. Screw football, how does it get better than these couple months?

I just watched Obama give his picks on Sportscenter. Dude seems to know what he's talking about. Though he does tend to be a sucker for bandwagon picks (Memphis over Uconn, VCU over UCLA, etc.), he still showed some knowledge of college hoops. He made fun of the pac-10, which is funny to me. His final four was Louisville, Memphis, UNC and Pitt, with UNC beating Louisville. Not an awful bracket.

Anyway. How's my life you ask? Well, its good I suppose. The only flaw I can see is the fact that I don't have a job yet. But I take a lot of time every week applying to anything relevant, I figure one of them has to hit sometime. If I can't find one by June, I guess I'll have all day everyday to go out and find SOMETHING, even if it's a job as a salesman at Best Buy. I don't really care what job I get, my ultimate goal is to study for actuary exams, pass them, quit whatever current job I have and become an actuary, which won't be very difficult as long as I have the exams under my belt...which is actually extremely difficult.

So we'll see what happens. Things always have a way of working out. I won't be lazy just because of that fact, but I'm not one to worry myself over it. Man I can't wait until June.

Basketball

2009-03-07T18:57:05Z

Anybody whos followed my bi-polar away messages in the past hour or so knows what I'm going to say. Basketball puts me through some mood swings unlike anything else. I suffered through the first half of UConn/Pitt, watching bad play after bad play, but in the second half I just lost it. Dumb passes, missed layups, people can't hold on to the ball, and Pitt making everything. All the shoes in my room are scattered all over the stairwell and the upstairs after being chucked, and I'm pretty sure my cat is afraid to come up here anymore.

It's just unbelieveable that UConn can play so well against everyone and then just go to hell against Pitt. Pitt is not even that good. They're just physical. Whatever. UConn still has a good shot to win a trophy or two this year, but God help me if I have to suffer through another game against Pitt.

Maybe I should be concerned about my fits of rage. Like I literally lose it. Not in a dangerous way, I know I'm controlling everything I do. Like if a person/animal was in the room there is a 0% chance of them getting harmed. The worst thing I do is pick up a shoe and pick a place to throw it where it won't cause damage (except that time in high school it hit the wall in such a way that it put a big imprint in it, and my mom made me fix it).

Oh well. Sometimes I wish every year would be like last year where UConn gets eliminated in the first round and then I can enjoy the tournament without an emotional investment. I get way the hell too involved.

xxfenwaynation @ 2009-02-27T02:09:00

2009-02-27T07:32:22Z

Haha when I went to post this, it asked if I wanted to continue from a saved draft. I haven't updated since October so I clicked yes to see wtf it was. All that was in here was "LH". Weird.

So, uh, sorry for not updating since October. Here's some insight into my life since then:

School just doesn't do it for me anymore. I've missed a bunch of finance classes already and skipped a few classes the other day to watch soccer. I dunno, I just feel like I suffered through my 7 important semesters where I needed to keep my 3.5 GPA, and now that I have, I'm just taking a load off. It's not that I'm blowing off assignments, I've still gotten A's and B's and shit, but I don't kill myself going to every class when I know it's going to be a waste of time. Or when I'm too tired. Or when there's something good on TV.

Fantasy is one of the more enjoyable things in my life. I had a pretty good haul in football this year, making the championship game in both my leagues. Unfortunately DeAngelo Williams screwed me in both my leagues. Seriously who rushes for four touchdowns during Fantasy Championship week? I'm in four baseball leagues this year, but the two with Mike and pals are the most important. Despite having good runs in recent history, I havent been able to crack the top. Last year injuries screwed me down the stretch, and followed a 7+ week winning streak with a 4 game losing streak to end the year in 7th just out of the playoffs. But we have a keeper league this year thats going to go on until we're like 50 years old, or until Yahoo goes out of business. Hopefully I'll surpass the Yankees and win 27 titles.

Real World Life is rapidly approaching. Half of the building blocks are in place. KB and I officially signed the lease on an apartment two blocks away from Fenway. 11 Queensbury Street, Apartment 33. Its a pretty nice place. The people that live there are leaving all the furniture and sold it to us at an extremely more than reasonable price. Furnishing that place would have cost a few thousand bucks but we're getting it all for less than 1k. Unfortunately at this point I don't have a job yet. I don't really care what job I get, as long as it pays the rent. I'll study for actuary exams on the side, and however long it takes is worth it because once you're set in the actuary world, you're....set. So wish me luck on that front.

What else can I say. UConn men and women are prime candidates to win it all again. Baseball is rapidly approaching, and the Sox/Rays/Yanks race will be fun to watch all year. The Sox play almost a quarter of their games against those two buttholes. I have no predictions yet.

So, thats my journal entry. It was probably boring. Whatever, my plan to update for the last 4 months has come to fruition. lol

xxfenwaynation @ 2008-10-21T13:35:00

2008-10-21T17:56:42Z

Random Thoughts:

It would be fun to see the Rays win the world series as a franchise. They've been in last every year of their existence, except that one time they finished fourth. They tried signing veterans early on in their history, didn't work. Now they decided to just take the hit for a few years and develop their farm system, something many teams are also trying (aka the Red Sox, although they have money to throw around to good players while the farm system develops simultaneously). And whadda ya know, it all finally came together this year on both sides of the ball for Tampa, and they find themselves in the world series.

Good management like this should be rewarded with a world series title, except for one thing. Their douche baggy idiot bandwagon asshole fans. I mean seriously. Your team is in first place for pretty much the ENTIRE year. Yet their AVERAGE attendance was at 52.8% of capacity. ARE YOU SERIOUS? For 2008, their capacity is officially 36,048. Yes, 36,048. That's fucking smaller than Fenway, the smallest ballpark ever. And they can barely fill half of it! And now all these toolbags come out for the ALDS/ALCS in their brand new Evan Longoria jerseys pretending they've been fans all year. But I bet if you went around and asked all the fans to name the starting rotation from the 2008 regular season, the majority of them wouldn't come close. They don't deserve a world series title. Not even close. Let them come to the doorstep only to lose, and see if they'll be back next year. This is why (among other reasons, like my fandom) that I wanted the Red Sox to come back so damn much. To see if Rays "fans" would stick by their team. My guess is no.

So I don't know who I'm going to be rooting for. I hate Philadelphia for a variety of other reason, mostly because their fans are just plain assholes. Yes, it's great that you're booing each and every player that used to play in your organization. Nevermind that they were probably traded away against their will, lets not let logic and sound reasoning obstruct our opinions. WHAT, HE WAS A PHILLIE FOR 55 GAMES IN 2002? WHAT A BUM!! BOOOOOOOOOOO!!

That, and Ryan Howard is everything that has been wrong with baseball for years and goes directly against what a hitter is supposed to be today. If he wins MVP this year, it would literally, as Mike likes to say, be a travesty. When you have 500 at bats and hit 100 homers and strike out 400 times, I'm sorry but you're not a good hitter. Yeah, great for you, you got a shit load of RBIs. Could that possibly be because you had Rollins, Victorino, and Utley batting in front of you all year? Pujols had just as good numbers as you and who did he have batting in front of him? Fucking Skip Schumaker and Chris Duncan. Who gives a shit if the Phillies made the playoffs and the Cardinals didn't. The Cardinals were contenders all year with (no offense Mike) a TERRIBLE team, thanks to Poo.

Oh and who cares if Pujols said a few years ago that the MVP should go to a playoff team. Dude was just pissed he didn't win even though he should have.

This was gonna be an entry about random thoughts like "I like playing Omaha as much as I like playing NL Hold'em". But it turned into a baseball rant. Oops.

All This Over Videogames.

2008-10-08T05:33:13Z

I've been waiting like 3 weeks to post about this. But it finally got resolved tonight so I have no qualms about it. After two months it's over and the good guys won. By the way, the entry is long.

So for those of you know don't know the whole story. About two months ago, I decided that I wanted to get rid of my Xbox 360 for numerous reasons. It was out of warranty, it was an old model with shoddy hardware, and it didn't have HDMI capabilities for when I finally crack and get my HDTV, which as you all know, is my one greatest desire in life not involving a certain girlfriend.

So I decided I wanted a 60GB Playstation 3, also for numerous reasons. First, it was backwards compatible meaning it could play all Playstation 2 games, which meant I could play my favorite game of all time, MVP Baseball 2005, which does not work on Xbox 360. Second, it had built-in wireless capabilities, which is key as theres wireless at both my home and my school. Third, the online is free. Fourth, it has HDMI and a blu-ray player for when that day comes when I get my HDTV. Sounds perfect right?

Well, the 60 GB model was discontinued about a year ago. So I had to go looking on Ebay. Since the 60gb is considered by many as the best model (debateable), and it's discontinued, naturally people jack up the prices on ebay and craigslist. I was seeing them for $450, $500 etc. But I saw this dude on Ebay, who seems to be a wholesaler, who had like eight 60gb Playstation 3's for $389 bucks including shipping. And this wasn't the first time he'd been doing it either. He had over 800 ratings on Ebay, 99.9% positive. I bought the damn thing.

Well, I finally get the Playstation delivered to me in the middle of Augsut. I play it for a day, and it seems awesome...but something doesn't seem right. The game that I rented from Blockbuster would play...but when I died in the game it wouldn't load back up. Only the second I ejected the disc would the level start back up again. But i thought hey, maybe its just the game. MVP Baseball 2005 worked just fine. So I played that for a while. But then I rented another game, and it simply wouldn't play. Thats when I panicked. I rented one more just to be positive and that too wouldnt play.

So I emailed the dude and was like uh, your playstation doesn't work man. This sucks. And he's like well the best I can do is replace it. Fine, I said. So I sent it back to him (40 bucks to ship with UPS, what a gyp.) He gets it back in a week. Sends me out a new one. That takes a week and a half. So middle of September (13th or so) it gets delivered while I'm at school. I come back on the 18th, a Thursday night, and go upstairs to play the damn thing. Guess what? Broken right out of the box. It starts up and then freezes and flashes weird, dumb colors on the screen. Now i'm pissed off. I immediately tell the guy I'm about to open up a dispute on Paypal (which is how I paid him) if he doesn't refund my money.

***Intermission***

Let me tell you how Paypal Resolutions work. Someone, usually the buyer, opens up a dispute on paypal over a transaction within 45 days. After the dispute is filed, the seller/buyer have 20 days to work it out between each other, and if they can't come to an agreement, one of them escalates the dispute to a claim. What this means is that a claims specialist from Paypal will review the case, get a statement from each party, and make their decision (sometimes they even ask for police reports or other ridiculous shit).

Well this douche bag immediately turns my dispute into a claim, saying "He left me positive feedback the first day saying it worked. I'm not responsible if he drops it or it breaks". Bullshit, I told them the dude took responsibility and acknowledged a problem when he took my broken one back and sent out a replacement. I was freaking out about it all weekend. Well, the next morning, Paypal told me they ruled in my favor and that I could get my refund if I sent the thing back and gave them the tracking info. I did so. But even a week and a half after it was delivered to the ~~douche baggy asshole~~ seller, I still didnt get my money. So now I was worried because the "claim status" said it was being "reviewed" again. So I was like Jesus they're going to take back my refund.

Well they didn't. at 12:30 or so, exactly an hour ago, I got an email saying the case was closed and I won, and the refund was in my account. It's over, I won, butthole lost.

At least I took a lesson from all this. Theres no way I'm buying electronics of this magnitude on ebay ever again. But on the bright side, I bought a new Xbox 360 with a 60GB hard drive and HDMI capabilities. All is right in the world again. Besides, I'm definitely an Xbox guy anyway.

tl;dr: You're a douche bag and that rant has a paragraph about you in it where I bash you to pieces. Bet you can't find it.

Thanks for reading. I should write in this more.

xxfenwaynation @ 2008-04-18T01:42:00

2008-04-18T05:54:37Z

Here I am updating my journal two nights in a row. Am I one badass mofo? Call me butter kids cus I'm on a roll. Stupid 90s phrases FTW!

Thursdays are so good. I have each of my classes once, which kinda sucks since it's like 6.5 hours of class, but then once you're done it's like hells yes, no more class until monday. And in this case, Monday is Patriots Day (hooray massachusetts!) which means no class. There are definitely a lot of pros to living in mass. Cheap gas, the Sox are nearby, cool holidays, the T gets me where I need to go. KB lives here. What else can you ask?

Anywho, I posted this in the baseball community but I'll share it with you guys, I want to know what you think. Basically this is what happened in the Red Sox/Yankees game tonight. Manny Ramirez was on fire. He'd hit two homers, one in the 2nd and 3rd innings, and the Red Sox were winning 7-0. He also got a hit in the 5th inning. So when he came up in the 7th inning, the pitcher, Kyle Farnsworth, threw a ball at him that went right behind his head. It was pretty clear he was trying to hit him.

So my question to you is: Alex Rodriguez came up in the 8th inning with 2 outs and nobody on base, Sox up 7-3. Should Josh Beckett have hit him in retaliation? I'll let you think about it, then let me know what you think in the comments.

PS: I'll leave you with a brilliant exchange from Scrubs, pretty much the best television show ever created.

(after JD finds out Kim lied about miscarrying his child)

Turk: How you doin?

JD: Not too bad, considering I just had a bomb dropped on me.

Turk: No, that was bigger than a bomb. More like, an asteroid about to hit the planet, you know with people screaming "oh my God it's coming right at us!" And dudes turn to hot chicks and be like "yo, we about to die so I can I hit that?" and she be like "HELL to the no!" but then she realizes "wait, we ARE about to die so you know what yeah you can hit this, but no kissing"

JD: .............wow....thats exactly what its like

xxfenwaynation @ 2008-04-17T01:40:00

2008-04-17T06:10:08Z

LIVEJOURNAL POST OMG WOW

Sorry, I haven't updated in a really long time. It's funny because I check my friends page like 5 times a day, yet I've never clicked the "Update" button right on the page!

Anyway, here's some quick and dirty highlights from my life.

I'm happy to inform those of you that don't know (but you all probably do unless you've lived under a rock and/or never talk to me...in which case ~~you're assholes~~ you probably won't be reading this. But Katie and I have been together for exactly 4 years and 10 months. That is just so crazy, but pretty awesome. You're amazing KB. I hope you know that, just in case I don't say it enough.

School's going alright. Through 5 semesters I've managed to have a 3.55. It's going to probably drop this semester because I have a ridiculously hard math class, but it won't drop below 3.50 unless I fail to get any A-'s. Which actually might happen, but hopefully not. And if I pass the actuarial exam in June, the ridiculously hard math class teacher will raise my grade to a 4.0. That'd be sweet but I'm not getting my hopes up, the exam will be ridiculously hard. But I guess all I have to do is get 60% or whatever. We'll see, I'm gonna try a lot. I seriously say ridiculously hard a little too much. Like ridiculously much.

Anyway, I've seen the Red Sox twice in the past couple weeks. They lost both times but it was still awesome. Katie and I get into Fenway for 5 bucks since she works at Beth Israel (The Official Hospital of the Boston Red Sox!). The tradeoff is that we have to wait until 7:30 and hope that some friends/family of the team didnt show up to claim their season tickets. But we got in.

So I know Luke likes my livejournal icon. Yeah Chelsea is probably going to lose the League to Manchester United but hey, United deserved it, they played awesome this year. Unfortunately for you though, Chelsea is going to pwn Liverpool and then win the Champions league! And SORRY RONI, but there are no good German clubs to speak of. You'll have to wait till Euro 2008 when Germany wipes the floor with Poland and Croatia!

Speaking of Luke, man you're one badass mofo. You srsly need to come up here, fuck Redman and Method Man, they must be like 60 years old and on respirators by now. That's so boring, and you can have much more fun with me! But whatever, even if you don't come up you're still wicked cool. I can't wait until I come home May 6, we'll hang out again, eat steak and cheese from Charlies. When's the last time we did that? By the way Jeremy's better than you at call of duty and I'm better than you at fifa.

Mike from Illinois, we've had an online friendship for like 9 years. That'd be fun if one of us is really a 40 year old creepy dude instead of a studly 21 year old. But we probably aren't.

Brian you're pretty much the only person from high school I still talk to. That's pretty awesome. We need to hang out more this summer too. I suggest massive amounts of tennis and video games. Your present to me can be buying yourself a damn XBox 360 finally.

K that's that. Hopefully I can make this a regular thing now.