( reflecting on LJ patternsCollapse )

( job hunt stressCollapse ) Also I was super social for like a solid week and am just now feeling like I can handle voluntary interaction with human beings. My youngest sibling, Ace, came in town with almost no warning and hasn't visited in at least four years, so I hastily threw together some plans so that Ace could meet my people and vice versa.

( discomfort with biofam due to them not putting in any effort to connect with meCollapse )

Anyway, other than that discomfort, it was an okay visit. Ace wanted to go to a lesbian bar, so we did, but it was Monday night so not much was happening. Cass, Katie, Katie's person Molly, and Topaz hung out with me and Ace and just talked, and afterward Topaz and Ace and I went to dinner and Ace laid out some heavy questions. First Ace tested Topaz with a point-blank "so what do you feel about belenen?" (or something very close to that) and Topaz reeled briefly and then answered honestly and openly while looking me in the eyes, and Ace judged them as truthful. Ace is extraordinarily observant and blunt and doesn't fuck around when they want to know something.

Then Ace asked me "why do you hate our parents?" and I replied calmly that I don't hate them, I'm just not that attached. Topaz later told me that they were amazed at the full blast of the questions (because they got more pointed from there) and at how I handled them, and then I realized that they were some hard questions, but I appreciate bluntness and while Ace did ask very leading questions, I'm pretty good at not being lead. However, I was also way too literal in answering them, because I think what Ace was looking for was some empathy for their suffering, but what they were asking about was my suffering, which they were then comparing to theirs. I didn't realize this until later, talking about it with Topaz, who realized it during the conversation. I felt shitty that I didn't realize and thus missed the opportunity to connect there.

The next day I had planned a small gather which Topaz hosted, with Topaz, me, Ace, Allison, Elliot, Serenity, Kylei, Jaime, and my cousin. It was a wonderful group of people and I really enjoyed everyone's company, though my ADD got way out of hand when we all played Dixit together. I'm gonna trust the box next time and agree that more than 7 people is too many, unless everyone is a fairly quiet person. We had four or five boisterous people and I just couldn't manage it after a while. Nobody got mad when I said I needed a break or when we didn't end up returning to the game, though, so it was okay.

I was hoping to have more time with Ace but since they were smoking a lot of the time and thus were outside while I was inside we didn't really interact directly very much. They said they liked all my friends (said this to me multiple times) and said to Topaz "I love you for my [sibling]," which I was very pleased by because they're usually very suspicious of anyone I am close to. This was also the first time I got to introduce several people to each other (which I love doing) and people volunteered their positive impressions of each other to me which made me VERY happy.

Then Wednesday I spent time with Ace, my cousin, and my grandparent, very casual, working on a long-term art project of Ace's. I was so so so wiped out after that though -- family Sunday, family AND new scary place (I'd never been to a lesbian bar and I get very anxious about not looking queer enough) Monday, big social thing including family Tuesday, more family Wednesday. I took Thursday to recover and then spent Friday vacuuming the dust/dander/fur out of the rugs and then spending time with Topaz.

Saturday was a day I had been planning for two months: a Sense8 marathon. Topaz, Sande, Evelyn, Serenity, and I watched it on the projector that I borrowed from Kylei. I don't remember how many episodes various people watched but it felt really wonderful to be with people that I feel such strong connections with, watching a show that feels like a part of me. And it was good that it was low-interaction because I certainly couldn't have handled more active social at the end of such a week!

It was really really wonderful to have Topaz in my house, after so long of them not being there due to allergies. I replaced the air filter very recently, dusted the week before, vacuumed the day before, and Serenity mopped the floors the day before too, and I turned the air conditioning high while Topaz was here (because cold helps). It all paid off -- Topaz didn't seem to have much of a reaction at all, and was able to stay for like five hours.

It had been 2 years so it was way past time for an update. I didn't include all of the people from before but those are still available via tags *smiles*
If you're wondering what spirit-kin, heart-kin, soul-kin or mind-kin mean (or -twin, the stronger version), read this post.

If there is anyone I've mentioned often who is not included here, please remind me.

( all of the people! it's pretty longCollapse )

15-12-22: wanting to connect w ex-spouse

I dreamed that I wanted to reconnect with my ex-spouse, in a limited way. I had a list of things but I can't remember what they are. I felt self-conscious of being fat and wanted to ask if they had had sex with a fat person before (because I am significantly larger than I was when we were together). It was very strange. I felt somehow comforted by their presence.

Later that dream I was really warm and friendly to someone (random 'person i knew in high school': a conglomerate of faces) and afterward realized they were mocking me.

15-12-23: hannah came to visit: we are chased, rescued by small boy

I dreamed that Hannah came to visit me and wanted to have sex with me but I was living in a house with two unhinged predatory people who kept trying to force themselves into my bedroom. So we (me and Hannah and someone else) had to block the door, climb out the window and crawl under houses and hide. Then a little boy saw us and eventually we got caught.

The little boy was given a laser cutting tool and told to cut a symbolic arm and when the kid did that all of the boys that supposedly one of us (me or hannah or the other person) had captured would lose their arm. The little boy pretended like he was going to do it and then sliced the head off the woman who had dropped us at our house with the two rapey people. Then I was reunited with Hannah and the other person. The three of us had been kind of in love with each other [not sure what happened at the end because my voice-to-text got too garbled here].

16-1-8: dating two people, cuddling in church

Dreamed I was dating 2 people and the first one was dismissive and mean, the second was blind (with a guide dog) and wonderful. The first read as amab genderqueer and the second as afab femme. I liked looking at their eyes and felt not self-conscious about it. We cuddled, spooning. The setting was some kind of revival church.

16-1-9: ex-in-laws give great gifts then punch me in the crotch, later I deal with an attacker who is impossible to kill

At one point I was in a lake with a bunch of others including Rebecca, and there was a shop of some kind where I was thinking of buying a foam shelf that attached with suckers and magnets. I decided not to, and when i left the seller (an old white fat dude) chased me.

I was at a place that was a conglomerate of Wishwood and my grandparents' house, with my ex-in-laws. They gave me lots of great gifts including this big set of Xena stuff which at first I thought was redundant and then realized it was all different- anime, a game, movies, specials. Later we were in the backyard and Ben made a comment about being intimidated by my mane (my hair was all about shoulder-length and all down) and that made me feel very good.

At one point we were all racing through the forest and Jonathan was ahead of me and tripped. I checked to be sure he was okay and then tried to run on, but he attacked me for it. He knocked me down and punched me in the crotch. Then Ben and Samuel came along and also each punched me in the crotch. I couldn't understand why and kept saying "but i didn't do anything!"

Then I was back in the house which now looked like Ray and Linda's house except backwards, and I found a new pair of shoes I had bought and realized that someone had taken them and given me old shoes which I was now wearing. I determined not to ask but just to take them.

There was one part where I was in a trailer with a bunch of unfamiliar people and one came up and petted my back and belly and shoulders and arms and the sides of my breasts, without bumping into my nipples or making me the least bit uncomfortable. All I could tell about them is that they had white skin, blonde hair, and seemed male. I really loved their touch.

Then there was a part with some kind of attacker who was almost impossible to kill - made of plastic. Someone shot them in the chest several times and they laughed. Someone shot their head to bits and they regenerated it. So I had someone help me and we held them down and cut them with boxcutters into small pieces, which we were then going to scatter so that it couldn't regenerate. But when i went to tie some pieces to passing cars, I saw that all the cars already had pieces attached. The implication was that this thing was everywhere and there was no killing or escaping.

16-1-10: ex-mum-in-law very happy to see me, then deal w roaches

I dreamed about my ex-in-laws again. This one was mostly about Kathleen, who was excited and happy to see me and gave me four pick-up hugs (I said to pick me up under my boobs and they did). Then I helped clean the kitchen and they had a system for dealing with roaches but it didn't work very well maybe as the sink was full of them (but they were dead) and if you put the sponge down in the wrong spot it came up again w dead roaches clinging to it. Grossss.

16-1-11: with biofamily I paint my legs w blueberries and herd cats, then go on a heist and have sex

Dreamed about being on a big cruise or ferry boat, running from someone. Jumped into the water and swam away, then climbed a tree and ran from treetop to treetop, bending the tops of the trunks as i ran into almost a road.

At another part i was with biofamily. I took a blueberry and colored my right lower leg with it, then they wanted to leave to go meet some relative. I went with them but at the first stop I got out and ran back, with Ace who was a small child again. When I got back i colored my left leg with another blueberry and then put on knee highs and shoes. Then i realized I'd left some doors open and had to literally herd cats, because some were meant to be inside-only and some were meant to be in particular rooms.

There was a part about some sort of heist, me and three others. At first i thought that the leader was one of the dudes but then the woman got in the driver's seat and drove us recklessly around the corners and i realized that it was all her idea.

Later i ended up distracting the one I originally thought was the leader by pretending to want sex while planning to throw him over the ledge after i angled him properly, but then I was enjoying myself and felt a connection and wanted to actually have sex with him. The scene switched during this to a bed and after sex he ordered pizza. I thought to myself that it was fun and I wanted to do it more.

16-1-17
All i remember is Allison had this great studio and me and someone else used it (with permission) to eat our take-out on a date.

16-1-29: with ex-in-laws and we all get wings, a cape I can't wear, given dogs for my b-day

Dreamed about being with my ex-in-laws at a house owned by an evil sorcerer that was over water on the ocean's edge. We all sprouted wings and learned to fly and i wanted to be w ben again, who had bleached and dyed his hair oddly. The wings didn't come out until you lept off somewhere and tried to fly, and I got the knack of it the most quickly. Then there was an old woman who came to the house and i told everyone to hide their wings.

Later we went looking for the sorcerer's son, who was supposedly the reason the sorcerer wanted us to stay in the house, in case he needed anything, but we found his corpse that was clearly dead before we got there and covered up with a weird silver balloon. Then we realized he had bad intentions for us and we escaped before he got there. We were on the beach and there were gigantic waves, which i was excited about. I went out in them and then clung to a pole as the waves kept coming and receded, only slightly worried that the water would pull me away and out to sea.

There was also some bit about me trying on a gold-silver-pearl drapey chain-dangle collar necklace that then became a silver and blue satiny cape. The others around told me how it wouldn't fit or suit and I shouldn't have it.

Then i dreamed i had an uncle who gave me 2 female dogs (a yellow and a brown) for my birthday (which somehow became 8 puppies) and i was trying to figure out how i would take care of them. They escaped into my uncle's neighborhood and i went looking for them - they were already attached enough to me that when they heard me call they came.

Earlier this week I explained ADD-PI to V and M, and they seemed to take it seriously which was a relief. I told M that I had learned some of my coping skills from them and explained, and M seemed to listen and feel pleased and connected.

Several times this week I've had discussions w Ace and M about race and they just... go nowhere. Ace doesn't seem willing/able to understand that their experience is not automatically representative of all experiences. I have tried to explain in several different ways. Also M had negative experiences as a white child in 80% black schools immediately following integration (and white flight into pop-up private schools) and they don't seem to be able to understand the misdirected anger any more than Ace. The worst is that every time I reference a fact M is not aware of, they dismiss it with "I don't know about that" and act like I didn't even say it. They told me they enjoy these arguments and when I merely raised my eyebrows in response, they asked if I enjoyed them. I said I would enjoy them if I could assign homework. They laughed. Since they didn't shake their head or offer rebuttle, there's actually a chance that I could do that and I may try.

Yesterday was fairly uneventful. Pibling L, cousin E, Ace, gparent V, and I went out shopping. We went to some thrift stores (I found several work-appropriate overshirts, two soup mugs, and an Upwords board game that was only missing 2 letter tiles) and a rocks/minerals touristy store. P had offered to put $20 towards getting me a present, and so I was able to get some stones shaped like eggs (which I'm going to use as meditation tools, rolling them in my hands).

Later P, E, L, Ace, V, M, and I played truth-or-truth again, this time just using the question sheets as backup. It was a good time, and interesting to have the contrast. A lot of questions centered around memories, some of which weren't at all personal, but everyone was enjoying it so it worked okay. At one point M asked me a question from the question sheets - (what are my thoughts on the parts of a person) and I gave a long rambly answer but people liked it and M later referred to us having green hearts as I mentioned I saw several of us that way. After M and V went to bed the rest of us kept on, and we did a merry-go-round of asking each person to list two qualities that they share with each other person. Everyone really loved that, and it gave me an idea for a similar project.

When people say goodnight I offer them a hug before bed, and E and L liked this idea. L said they want to make the same habit.

Today I spent most of the day online, having a good but intense discussion with someone about energy work, and then a giant terrible discussion/argument on my wall about the definitions of trans/cis and identity. I cried a lot. I don't know if I was having an extra ADD day or what but I felt like I could not explain myself and after a certain point it was like I couldn't even understand the words in front of me.

During lunch/breakfast I suggested a project: we all write down 3 outstanding qualities for each other person. Everyone said it was a good idea but they didn't want to do it then, and they scattered like cats.
At one point just after lunch, Ace and E were making a smoothie and I asked if I could make suggestions. Ace said no, and it hurt my feelings because they had already been doing stuff without me all morning, and I said that it hurt my feelings because it felt like they didn't want me to talk to them. Then E immediately said I could give suggestions and that made me cry. P and E were nice to me and Ace was upset. I asked why and they said they only wanted to discuss it alone. So we went into the room we're sharing and they said that they felt like I was crying whenever I didn't get my way (manipulatively). I told them that it might not seem like it but this is taking a lot of effort from me and I only ever cry in front of people when I am so overwhelmed I can't control myself (also, this was only the second time I had cried in front of anyone). I talked about how I was feeling and Ace said they felt like I wasn't trying to connect with them, that I didn't like them any more. I told them that wasn't true, I was just having a harder time with them because they're guarded. We talked a bit more and hugged and went back to work on the smoothie.They were all at the pool or grocery store from after that until to dinner.

Then we all had dinner and afterward M went immediately to bed, with V following shortly. I felt very upset that they hadn't kept thier word, and more upset because E and L were talking about being tired and I'd had no time with them all day. But they said they wanted to stay up a bit, so I asked everyone to share the story of their best sexual experience. P and E were not comfortable with this, so I changed it to top 3 necessary elements for a good sexual experience, and they all answered. We went on to talk about sex, poly, bdsm, and cuddles. And I revealed yet another layer of difference in discussing my polyamory (which L really took in stride, so much so that I think they must know a poly person). We shared our favorite cuddles as I asked everyone what theirs was. When I asked for a volunteer to show my favorite cuddles with, L offered! I was surprised because I guess I see them as being reticent. Then they came over and just curled up on the floor next to me, adorably. I showed them my favorite way to hold someone and also the infinity cuddle. They were a little nervous but they really liked it at the same time. At the end of the time, I showed everyone how to do a spiral hug and they loved that.

Also the other day I taught everyone the -5 to +5 scale for making fairer decisions, and we've used it since then (but only at my prompting, so far). I hope my parents learn to do that because it's so much better than "I want this and you want that, I'm more powerful so we do my thing."

I really want someone to say to me "wow, you've really made this trip a time of deep connection, thanks!" but I doubt that will happen. I wonder if they can tell that this is different because of the things I'm bringing to it.

This week I'm visiting my biofamily: parents M and P, sibling Ace, grandparent V, pibling (parents' sibling) L and cousin E. I don't have a laptop with me so I probably won't be able to read anything until September 2nd-ish, but I'm going to try to keep up with posting anyway.

Yesterday was the drive to meet my parents. Topaz brought me to my pibling's house and took me and Ace to coffee while we waited for everyone else to get ready. Parting with Topaz was difficult because we're both going to miss each other a lot, not least because we cuddle a LOT and they don't really cuddle with others and I am really particular about how I'm touched so negotiating cuddles with biofamily seems stressful and I fear I will just avoid touch (though, good job me, I asked for hugs this morning and got them). Wow run-on.

Before we left I was trying to convince Ace to consolidate their stuff into one bag to make space, and they got frustrated and told me that they were upset that I was bossing them around. I took that in and it took me like 30 seconds to respond, apologizing for being domineering. Usually when I see that my behavior is not ethical I immediately apologize without effort, but for some reason I had to really push myself to do it this time. I found that really weird. I know my biofamily tends to see that as 'losing' so maybe that made it harder. But once I did, Ace forgave me right away and it was done (and they were fine with consolidating stuff).

It took us forever to make the drive because we had to stop for a lot of different things. What we expected to take 4 hours took 8 and by the end my legs ached from being cramped up. But we had some good conversations while we were on the ride, about how to have a good partnership and lots of bits and pieces about memories.

I realized I get defensive when asked if I am hungry around my family, because I expect that they are asking because they think I eat a lot, as a fat person. (Actually part of the reason that I am fat is that I don't eat often enough and my body tries to store everything) But I think maybe they might be asking me for permission to eat. Especially my gparent, who is tinier than most 12 year olds and probably has the metabolism of a hummingbird. So I need to try to practice eating small snacks while I'm here, since I don't have to worry about running out of food.

Later P gave Ace a Canon DSLR. Ace was incredibly excited and I felt happy for them but at the same time I felt broken-hearted because it reminded me of being a kid, asking for a particular present, and being given a knock-off that did not even serve the same purpose, while my siblings got things that were more expensive and exactly what they asked for. I didn't handle it well, partly because I was already exhausted, and I went into my bedroom and cried. Ace came in and asked what was wrong and I explained, with a deliberate effort to be open. Then P came in and asked what was wrong and I explained that and that it reminded me of never being asked about my life as a child. P doesn't have the same memory, and I'm questioning my perceptions because I just don't remember shit. P told me that I won a science award for highest grade in my honors physics class which blew my mind.  Like, the way they told the story it sounded exactly like me (I didn't care about the award but wanted to win) and felt true, but I have literally no memory of it. I want to know who it was I was so invested in beating.

I also talked about how M spends money on stuff that isn't necessary while knowing that I am suffering and barely getting by. M just bought a new car, while telling me that they don't have the money to help me with stuff I need. If they're going to put their wants above my needs, they could at least do that across the board and not be more generous to my siblings than to me. I found out that I  get half of what my siblings do at christmas (each) and I just don't ask about birthdays. Mostly I put this stuff out of my mind. But when I can't, it really hurts. And it's why it is so fucking hard to even ask for the respect of being called by my name much less pronouns. If I ask and they refuse, they're not just being inconsiderate like now, they're telling me I don't matter every time they talk to or about me.

P was really defensive and I wish I knew if I  was wrong. I can't trust their perceptions any more than I can trust mine, because they cannot handle making mistakes and they do not admit when they did something they're ashamed of, or failed to do something they feel they should have. Somehow the conversation turned, I stopped crying, and P left the room (in a neutral way). Shortly after, L and E came in and asked me what was wrong, then P came in. I pushed myself and told them, as briefly as I could with as little blame to P as I could. I didn't want P to feel bad about giving Ace a camera because I am genuinely happy that they made such a huge sacrifice for Ace. (P is poor - they make minimum wage and M doesn't share their giant salary) I also wanted to be frank about my sadness and I think I did okay because P didn't get angry with me. E said they could feel my sadness from the other room and we made eye contact and I felt their sincerity and L gave me pats and empathy. I felt like they all (Ace, P, E, L) cared about my feelings and that was a new experience with my biofamily (except for Ace).

Later P said that they were going to get me a camera too, when they could, and I said that I appreciate the thought but before making such a huge purchase, talk with me because if I can't fix the bug that is breaking my renders, then tools for that would be a much better gift to me than a DSLR. I have wanted one for a long time, but I can take photos that I am proud of on my little camera, and not being able to render my fractals is eating my soul. I want to be seen as a photographer, but I am at least as much a fractal artist as photographer, and I feel like my fractal art gives more to the world. There are many people who can take good photos of nature but not many who can make fractals and almost none who make them in my style.

When everyone went to bed I started reading a book I got as a review copy from BloggingForBooks, and I couldn't put it down until I finished. Partly because I desperately needed brain rest, partly because I missed my second ADD-PI meds and therefore had less control over my focus, and partly because it was a really good read. I'm gonna try to do a review for it soon. But I didn't go to sleep until like 5am and slept badly because the bed was awful and then people started being loud at like 11am. E and L came in and tickled my arms and I grumbled at them. Ace came in and rubbed my feet which was a pretty great way to wake up, after they gentled up (I have extremely sensitive feet).  I got up and ready, slowly and tiredly.

I'm nervous about going swimming because walking around in a wet bathing suit gives me thigh chafing most of the time, and I super don't wanna deal with that. But I do really wanna go be in the ocean! So I'm gonna try it and hope for the best.

Ace uses my real name most of the time and E and L are trying. But that's because they asked me if I wanted them to call me by my chosen name and I said yes. I still haven't confronted anyone about my name. Yesterday I had a strange moment when Ace was introducing me to their girlfriend on skype and the girlfriend called me by my name and P said something like "they got your name right!" which felt really confusing because P usually gets it wrong. Maybe they aren't aware when they deadname me. M hasn't ever tried. Last time I talked to M about it was years ago and they didn't listen to me at all. I dunno how they'll react now but if the rest of the family is doing it they are more likely to be respectful.

Hosting gathers is good for me because it helps me motivate to get shit done. This week I did laundry, did dishes, took out recycling, finished setting up the cuddle room (except for the translucent fabric to soften the LEDs, that has to wait for money), tidied the entire house except for that one craft project (which I hope to get done Sunday night or Monday). I turned up the coldness in the refridgerator; hopefully that will help with the going-bad because I am sick of canned food. Kanika is being terribly picky but I have a plan to buy some mix-in treats that will hopefully solve that. My shoulder is still aching and I really can't understand why, it's been more than a week now. I may need to get an exercise ball for my office -- I think I slump too much in there because it is always cold and I subconsciously fold in (my boss has their own sitting ball so I know they won't mind).

Most of that stuff I did on Sunday before the gather, but yesterday I tidied my room which had been left undone for like two weeks which is WAY TOO LONG and I feel profound relief at having it tidy again. It is mind-boggling how much that affects me. It's not perfect but there's just one little pile of unsorted things instead of two big ones. I also brought in another lamp for more light with a daylight bulb and that seemed to make my eyes less tired and my general mood brighter. This room is actually much less sunny in the summer because all of the leaves are out. It's still bright but I don't get that same "almost as if I was outside" feeling.

The vacation with biofamily will cost me nothing except 3 days worth of pay -- which I can't afford but hopefully I can get my parents to give that to me in order to have me go with them. I want to go because my youngest sibling is going and I haven't seen them in literal years, much less spent good time with them, and they are important to me. I'm also hoping to have some good conversations with my aunt E. I have pretty much gotten over the idea that my grandmother is coming. I'm just going to bring some literature and maybe rehearse some bible verses in case of lecture.

By the way, I haven't responded yet but I appreciated all of your comments, as they made me realize that listing things is hugely helpful for me and I need a list that I keep hanging on the wall so that I can get obligations out of my head and also have the satisfaction of crossing them off. I think the stress is a lot worse when it is a big muddly mess than when it is an orderly list -- no matter how long or mostly-impossible the list.

Last Thursday I talked with my little sister for about 2 hours, which is the longest we've talked in ages. Ze seems to be in a healthy relationship, which is fantastic, but ze is surrounded by terrible people at zir work. I tried as per usual to convince zir to move and live with me, but I don't think that will happen. I hope ze will at least visit.

Friday Topaz came over to help me with the grass but I was feeling ill so ze just did it for me <3 <3 <3 then we went to zir place, picking up fireworks on the way. We built a bonfire and Topaz made silver turtles and lit fireworks and smoke bombs and we drank barefoot bubbly and it was really relaxing and cozy. Then we made talismans together, where I lost track of time and Topaz was super patient. (I thought it took an hour but it took 3)

That night I slept badly (which has been happening almost every night I spend at Topaz' lately, not sure why) and thus slept in. I started freaking out a little about time but Ashe and Anika were running late so once I found that out I got to have cuddles and Topaz made us breakfast and coffee (ze makes the best breakfast sandwiches). Then I went home and whirlwinded through the house, tidying and cleaning, and didn't stop until about 20 minutes after they arrived (hyperfocus sometimes makes me the worst at greeting people). I got to hang out with them for a little while, but Ashe was exhausted and had to leave right as Kei-Won-Tia arrived. Topaz and Zawn and Jeff arrived a little later, and we had some pretty awesome conversation, ranting about evils in the world (which was the purpose of the gather). I got a little drunk and felt super happy about all the interactions, especially since Topaz seemed relaxed. Zawn and Jeff brought pizza, which was a fabulous gift. The gather wasn't what I had pictured but I liked it better than what I had pictured. After Zawn and Jeff left and Anika crashed out, Kei-Won-Tia and Topaz and I played Personalogies, which had some good questions but frankly I could make a deck 47201x better. When they left, I missed them a lot and texted with Topaz for like an hour, because my missing zir got so strong it hurt. I feel really extra deeply in love with zir. I'm also not used to spending time with Topaz that isn't one-on-one or followed by one-on-one, so there's this subconscious expectation of that time and I want it to hurry up and get here.

Sunday I went grocery shopping with Anika and Suzu in the morning and then Kei-Won-Tia, Abby, Heather, Kylei, and Roger arrived for cuddle puddle. I pulled Abby away and talked with zir about zir relationship with Roger because they'd been having a painful time, and I felt upset by it. I was sort of getting up my courage, and then we went back. I told Roger that I felt a need to talk about Abby and Roger's relationship, and asked if ze'd prefer to talk alone or with everyone - ze said no preference so I asked zir to tell me about how ze had experienced the recent troubles. After ze did, I expressed my feelings about it (vague because not sure how much they want private) and I felt that Roger took them in. Even though nothing was really resolved, I felt that I had expressed myself fully to them both and I didn't feel stressed out and divided any more. I don't think I've ever done that before - it felt incredibly awkward and I was quite worried as to how it would go, but I think it was good, and Roger expressed appreciation for being able to talk openly about it. I cuddled Abby during it because ze was vibrating with anxiety. Afterwards we all had early dinner, during which Topaz arrived, and we began intimacy practice. It was super intense and really long and really great, even though we didn't get to everyone (argh we have got to restructure the large ones!). I felt like we all moved a lot closer to each other through this one. I usually feel we are closer afterward but this one was especially bonding. Everyone was so sweet and wonderful and I loved spending the day with everyone! Suzu was really good, interacting with us some but for age 7, being remarkably low-maintenance. This kid is pretty amazing. I want to explore the world with zir to notice what ze observes. So cool.

Topaz stayed a little late for me to take the braids out that Heather spent hours putting in as we were doing IP. Ze lay in my lap and I finger-combed zir hair for a while, which was really, really good for me because the day was so intense and I desperately wanted Topaz cuddles. Next cuddle puddle I'm going to make a nest in my room because the living room made it too linear.

Monday I hung out w Anika and Suzu for a while (Suzu painted several pictures) and then took them to meet Ashe at a coffeehouse. Suzu played with the kids there, expressing upset at the one terrible kid who was mean to insects but otherwise seeming to have a blast. Ashe and Anika and I talked for a while, about what I am not even sure now because my memory is out. We stopped by Ashe's house and ze introduced us to trees and cats and zir spouse, and we got back to my house late. Anika and I had tea and ice cream (rather, the approximations I had on hand) and talked for a good while before going to bed.

Tuesday we just stayed home. We were planning on doing a ritual while Anika was in town, but when one thing after another fell apart, I felt it just wasn't meant to be and cancelled it. I was relieved to relax, because I was getting pretty desperate for down time.

Eeeeeearly Wednesday morning I took them to the airport, came home and tried to nap (which became 8 hours of sleep). Afterwards I went to Topaz', we had dinner and cuddles and went to sleep, where I slept for over 15 hours. Usually I feel guilty and annoyed if I sleep more than 8 hours, but this time I decided it was important and that I needed the processing (because dreams are really good for me in that way). When I got up I got shit done in quick succession, including writing an entry for LJ Idol (which I'm super nervous about). I had dinner with Topaz and helped zir tidy a little and then we cuddled and I went home.

If you're wondering what spirit-kin, heart-kin, soul-kin or mind-kin mean (or -twin, the stronger version), read this post.

If there is anyone I've mentioned often who is not included here, please remind me.

( all of the people! it's pretty longCollapse )

2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011Collapse )

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010Collapse )

( more list form posting -- the 22nd through the 28thCollapse )

( two short clips from an epic dream that I've mostly forgottenCollapse )

Christa and I had a long conversation yesterday -- ze shared a lot with me and I felt really touched to be so trusted. I'd been worried before that ze felt unsafe because I'm becoming part of zir life through my bonds with zir family and that's creating change in zir life (not saying this is zir worry, but it's how I might feel if I were in zir shoes). But I think ze has to feel at least somewhat safe with me to have such an open conversation with me. I was also a little worried that ze just plain wouldn't like me as a person because we seemed to be so different, but after that conversation I feel like we have a lot more in common than I'd have guessed (and few people bother to share with someone they dislike). I'm happy to be getting to know zir more ♥

Lately every time I'm not actively thinking, the question "what do you need?" pulses through me SO LOUDLY that half the time I almost say it out loud and I always try to answer it. But I don't really know the answer maybe, or (this just occurred to me) it could be a question from outside of me, asking me to ASK for what I need. Which is something I've been telling myself to do for the past week or two ("you know how to get what you want, write an affirmation and say it!") and still haven't done. Because I still don't really know. I know what I crave but I don't know if the craving is a need or a cover for the real need.

I need more touch, I need more connection, I need more focus, I need more passion, I need more sex. I need to burn burn burn, I need to release my fierceness in a constructive way. I don't know what I need. I need, I NEED. I feel like digging my fingers into my chest and ripping the suit called my body off to go free.

Have I been turned down, tuned out to myself, muted? I remember this fire now, but I'd forgotten it. I thought that it was transmuted into something 'better,' something more holy and useful and mature. I thought I'd outgrown it. I thought it was the product of anger. Now I realize it is the force of my self when I run free. I've forgotten how! If I ever knew, if there was ever a time when neither I nor anyone else tried to put me in safe boundaries and make me useful. God/dess! Who is this person? How do I shift into living this fire instead of staring at it, sure that if I do live it, I'll start scaring people again? Even though that seems a fair trade.

And this fire seems to have ignited my sex drive -- I have not been this lusty EVER IN MY LIFE. ( It's kinda driving me mad.Collapse )

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009Collapse )

These are the characters in the story of my life:
( from 2009Collapse )

My relationship with my lil sis has been wildly varying. When P got pregnant, I spent a lot of time singing and talking to babysis, and when ze was born I was ecstatic. There are photos of me holding zir as a red little newborn, and I am absolutely glowing with happiness (which is not true of any other childhood photos). The pregnancy was so difficult that P almost died, and for the first year of zir life M resented lil sis and refused to do any caretaking (which I interpreted as zir hating lil sis, but it could have just been laziness). So I ended up doing a lot of the caretaking and lil sis bonded with me more than with P and often tried to call me Mom. That upset me because I already felt I was being given too much responsibility, so I didn't let zir. But while I resented my parents lack of parenting, I loved taking care of lil sis and used to daydream about how ze'd start school and brag to zir friends about zir awesome big sister who gave piggyback rides and swung zir around and stuff. But when ze was about 6 years old, M lied to zir about me in a truly awful, evil way, and completely broke zir trust in me. I didn't know what had happened; I figured ze'd just become hard and distant because ze'd started going to public school. I was pretty self-involved at 16 anyway, so I didn't try to fix it. Five years later ze called me up and we had a conversation that finally illuminated that lie, and amidst the explosion that resulted we started actually talking occasionally. For the years following I cared about zir out of memory for the little baby I'd loved and respect for the fiercely strong person that ze'd become, but it wasn't until this summer that we really started to develop a real friendship.

It seems so sudden to me! And I don't even know how to put it into words. I was talking to justben recently about what it means to me to be "in love" and explained that I believe one can be platonically "in love" because to me, being in love means wanting to learn everything about a person, to continually grow closer to them, to have them know you fully, and to be so fascinated by them that you could think on their wonderful qualities for a long time without getting bored. And I love my little sister that way -- ze truly amazes me again and again. Ze's just an incredible person, so fierce and so compassionate, so open and honest, so full of joy and curiosity, and so willing to take risks. I'm so thrilled to have zir in my life! I admire zir so much and I love having the chance to see zir learn and grow (even if it means also seeing zir suffer). I didn't think I'd ever let someone who was blood-kin into my heart, but lil sis just walked right in before I even realized I'd left a gate open. ;-)

( what ze recently said about me ♥Collapse )

So I had the worst Christmas of my life (crying almost all day in rage and pain over the ex) BUT there was an incredibly beautiful gift that helped me get through it ♥ Ash had the amazing idea of contacting quite a few of my friends and asking them to send images that ze could use to make ornaments for me. Ze and S gave me little hints for like a week, and then the day before Christmas Eve, S lugged a tree up the stairs and they decorated it with the printed-out images and awesome ornaments made by Nikki from recycled (♥!) Christmas cards and various lovely little bits. Ash hasn't forwarded the emails yet so I am not sure who all participated, but S gave me two little black cats (in honor of 'Nika, whom ze refers to as "devil cat"), Anna sent me three GORGEOUS glass angel ornaments, Shel made a DARLING little felt star, Kate sent in a photo of zirself standing in the snow holding a Merry Christmas sign (eeeee!!!!!), Kay sent in three photos of zirself (eye, hands-in-a-heart, and face with a little sign that said "James!"), Kelley sent a photo of zirself making a hands-in-a-heart sign, and I know that SabR, Angie, Jess, Jen, Deb, Celina, Karen, Gayle, Anika, and several others participated but I am not sure who sent what. When I get the emails I will probably post the images ;-) Also Celina and Jen and Anna sent me Christmas cards ♥ I was so so so so touched by the idea and by all the people who participated, thank you so so so much loves. I so needed that and I will treasure my little handmade (and hand-chosen) ornaments forever! ♥ Also S is going to take the tree to be made into mulch later which makes me happier, no waste ♥ You are all so wonderful and I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE you, thank you so much ♥ *kisses*

Oh, and lil sis gave me an AMAZING delicate antique-looking metal pipe which has a decoration that looks like Cthulhu (to me) which I so totally intend to use, a glass leaf pendant (which I wear backwards to show off the swirly green), and pretty little paper scrolls. I love love love how those gifts are all so me! Oh, and the bioparents sent me some money so I bought myself Radiohead's "The Bends" and Dolores O'Riordan's "No Baggage" and Aqualung's "Strange and Beautiful" from the used CD store (pretty awesome finds, especially the new Dolores album!) :D

Lately I've been questioning some things about myself. My lil sis came to visit and as I watched zir interact with people ze didn't know, I saw myself, or rather an aspect of myself which I have lost. Ze is completely uninhibited about asking questions -- which is something that I think my trueself is also completely free about. I seem to have lost some of my curiosity and fearlessness in face-to-face interactions (I think through years of having only reticent people in my face-to-face life and getting burnt out). I expect noncommittal or annoyed responses, and since I don't want those, I don't ask. But that's not really how everyone is, and I need to keep in mind that the benefits DO exist and WILL outweigh the negative. I want to be that fearless and I desperately want my curiosity back. I was a little shocked the other day to realize that I found someone boring. I mean, I don't expect to be equally fascinated by everyone, but to find someone boring is just... not right, for me. And the strange thing is, I would be interested enough to read zir life story, but in person, in conversation, somehow my curiosity fades? and I think it's a matter of not knowing the right questions to peel back the layers. I need practice.

Also, self-censoring. My one actual regret in my relationship with my ex was that I censored myself for zir sake -- but even though I only did it consciously in those aspects of my life where ze might be affected, it changed me. Really for the worse, and I'm finding it so difficult to climb out. When I was free, I wasn't very socially aberrant, so I have no concept of how to be free AND socially aberrant at the same time. And when it comes to conflict? I used to love it and actively seek it out. Now I feel neutral about it, and will happily meet it if it comes to me, but on things that could-be-conflict-or-could-be-nothing, I tend to let them be nothing. And that annoys me because I'm not sure why I do it. Do I do it because it's the wise thing to do (no pearls before swine and all that) or because it's the easy thing to do or because I've lost faith that people give a shit? That last bit sounds SO AWFUL but I think that's what it is. I just get so tired of the list of things that are upsetting to me and are normal to most everyone else (and I get sick of explaining OVER and OVER). It's almost enough to make me wish I'd stayed ignorant and could be okay with stereotypes and exclusionary attitudes and prejudice. Or at least, okay with all the subtle stuff like most people are. But anyway I have to learn how to be ME without hiding bits out of habit. ARGHHHHH it upsets me SO MUCH to realize just how much of a habit it has become to hide. ME, hiding! Fuck! I don't want to just swing the pendulum, but I need to increase my conflict at least for a time so that I can learn what is hiding/cynicism and what is sensible-refraining-from-useless-discussion. :-///

( And then there's this strange idea people seem to have about me -- that I'm lovey and sensual maybe, but not very fierce or sexualCollapse )

Hmm, looking over this, I think there is a single core issue -- communicating more freely. I'm thinking about doing some kind of experiment, something to shake me into speaking. Maybe spending a week or 11 days asking every question that I want to ask and speaking every objection that I think without considering how a person might react. I'll reflect on it.

Photos from the week of AWESOMENESS that was time with my lil sis ;-) Ze's so amazing, seriously. I feel so inspired by zir boldness -- I feel like I learned a lot through spending time with zir this time. When I grow up I wanna be more like zir!





( a TON of photos!Collapse )

ohmigod, Life. I seem to be having quite a few of these "life is too beautiful for words" moments/days lately.

( beautiful people and glorious moments!Collapse ) And this will all make more sense with photos I'm sure because right now it just looks like a pile of names, but I haven't edited any yet so oh well.

I'm so un-fucking-believably in love, and life just keeps showering me with more and more joy. I'm overflowing with happiness, I feel like I've had enough joy to keep me glowing for a week -- and I'm spending tomorrow with justben! we're going to the Big Trees Forest Preserve! If I don't post again for a while, it's because I got overwhelmed with joy to the point where I lost the ability to form sentences (or perhaps words). ♥! Don't worry, I'm sure it will wear off if that happens ;-)

My lil sis is visiting me :D

catching up on photosharing... these are all from before I went to San Francisco.



( two of Ash & me!Collapse )



( August 14th -- Viv and I went out to coffee before meeting up with Viv's friends Alex & Stian for Alex's birthday celebration.Collapse )



( August 16th -- out with Ash & lil sis & Viv at justben's birthday dinner!Collapse )



( August 17th -- seeing Other Lives and Bat For Lashes with VivCollapse )



( Aug 30th -- Rebecca's baby showerCollapse )