My alcoholic bf confessed yesterday that he's stolen from me on more than one occasion in order to buy alcohol.  Has anyone else gone through this with an addicted loved one?  Any suggestions for getting over it and rbeuilding? 

I've been with my fiancee for 4 years.  During the time I've known him, I've watched him lose so much to alcohol---his job (he was an IT tech, and this was the fourth job he's lost to alcohol), lots of friends (he broke commitments), etc.  For the past 3 years, since he lost his job--- because he was drinking while at work---his dad has been paying the mortgage on his condo and all of his bills (his mom has passed), and he barely functions---we still go out and do things together and he sees some friends socially, but during the day when everyone is at work, he just sits at home.  When his unemployment check comes in, he drinks it all away.  Literally all of it.  He often breaks plans when the cash comes in just so he can stay home and drink.

Perhaps I've been sticking my nose where it didn't belong---I've been in touch with his dad and together we convinced him to go to rehab (he drank 3 days after he got out) and lately I've been calling his dad when he drinks to make sure he doesn't give him money to go on a spree while erroneously thinking it would go to some bill.  Also, I want to make sure his dad knows how bad his problem is---after all, his dad is in a unique position that I'm not---he holds the purse strings and, while he can't stop him from drinking, he can stop the money from flowing in.  A few times his dad has taken my fiancee's unemployment check in order to pay bills around the house, and that at least kept him from drinking it away.

Well, last week (the night before Thanksgiving, actually), my fiancee found out that I'd been telling his dad when he drinks.  I told him that I wouldn't stop doing that, so he broke up with me. 

My fiancee has made some great advances over the past few months---he has dabbled in AA and just went from having a temporary sponsor to having a permanent one.  But he just can't stop drinking and shows no hope of being able to hold down a job or really function anytime soon, and his dad seems to be enabling his behavior.

A part of me is grateful that my fiancee had the guys to do what I didn't---end this relationship that is being poisoned by his drinking.  The other part doesn't want to let go.  

So, there it is.  Also, a question: Have any of your alcoholic loved ones had any success on Antabuse?  My fiancee's doctor mentioned it, and I was wondering about personal experiences. 
(sorry---x-posted quite a bit)

 I am better no then my last post. My husband has come down here and we are living together again. Things a not easy on us. He is having a hard time finding work and struggling with his subriety. He is trying really hard to be a good father and husband. We have been living in this hotel for about a month he has stayed sober all the way up to last Sunday. He was going out of his way to try and bring some food into the room. He rode the bike into town about five miles, just to find that he was given the wrong time for the food bank. This set him off, he then went and drank.
   He came back to the room and told me right away never apologizsing. He just told me what happened then started to cry. He had a hard time facing our one year old. He latter told me that he did drink and that he may have done better with the situation had he had someone to talk to. I feel that he is trying to much to deal with this on his own. I have tried to convince him to seek some one on one at this free program in town that is there for anyone that is in recovery. He has a big man mentality, that is hard for him to set aside and ask for more direct help. He knows that he would benefit from a sopnsor, but can't seem to bring himself to ask for help. He does seem to get alot out of the AA meetings. They are large and I don't think he gets much if any time to talk.
  Does anyone have any ideas on how I might help him or can encourage him more to find a sponsor? He was so close to thirty days. The last time he slipped was right after thirty days. I fear this may turn into a pattern that could just undo ever thing he is trying to do.

 Hi, I'm new here. My husband is an alcholholic. He has be in recovery for thirty-four days. It is hard on me. I have found myself alone with my daughter in a hotel. He is in a different part of the state. We were renting from my parents and things have never really been okay between them and I. I had to seek a safe place because my parents put my daughter in danger after my husband left. In a short time I had found myself having to leave. I then had to leave the area because no one would help me for the fact that they were hunting me down and harassing me threatening. Then to top it off they sent a third party out that located me. I then was forced to move. I have been at a shelter that forced me out for the fact that the abuser was not my husband. Now I am in a hotel that I had to fight with welfare to get. I am also suffering from a physical disability, with a one year old. My husband has done a good job with making the decision for the first time ever to get sober and stay sober. I just have a hard time not being made at him for not being here with his family and making sure we are okay. I am fighting to not end up on the street. I have not got any benefits coming in. I am trying to get something that will help, I can not work. He has told me that he is going to come here. I have not herd in a couple of days from him, our cells are not working. I sent a letter to the shelter were he has been staying. I just feel so mad right now at him. I feel abandoned at a point that I really need help. I just don't know if he is getting that I can't keep doing this alone. I am in pain every day. Emotionally I don't feel that I have much left in me. I am so alone. and I fear that my daughter may suffer even more if I can't get help soon. I have no family to turn to. My husband is the only one I have. I just hope that I can't find away or we find our way back as a family. I am so scared.

Not everyone wants to hear about my crazy family, so I'll hide it beneath this cut and let you be the judge... 

OK, so over the Mardi Gras holiday I came face to face with the realization that I'm an adult child of an alcoholic.  That alcoholic is my dad.  What happened to make me realize this (although I have known for a long time he was an alcoholic) is that after drinking all day, he was physically violent.  I'm a grown woman....and I was terrified to see the face of this beast that I hadn't seen in soooo many years.  My mom (who's a lot smaller than me) was what stood between the alcoholic and myself. 

I cried, for hours.  And then I had memories of a past life long ago....all those times he would come home swinging, throwing bricks through car windows and ripping out our phone lines.  And the emotional abuse that cuts like a knife. 

And having all of this hit me like a ton of bricks totally made me realize why I am the way that I am.  I'm early 30s, unmarried, single, with no healthy relationships in my past, overachiever, over anxious, with compulsive tendencies, with serious trust issues with men, but I myself am not an alcoholic.  And nor will I ever become one.  And I never realized how these pages of my past molded me in such a way.

So I'm trying to physically purge these feelings and emotions out, so I can face them and ultimately try to move on with my own life....the one that I so truly want and desire, yet seem tangled up in the past. 

As anyone in this community knows the life of a child of an alcoholic can be very traumatic. Very traumatic.

What can be really frustrating and disheartnening is that many out in the world do not validate this suffering. I hate how so many people assume if you wanted physically or sexually abused, your alcoholic parents didn't harm you. The sad fact is an alcoholic need not swing fists in order for second hand alcoholism to destroy you. Some of the more subtle aspects can be the worst, yet if you tell people you are from an alcoholic home, many think "So what?"

So many other types of trauma are validated, but not the pain of children (adult or otherwise) from an alcoholic home. It's nice to be able to find people who understand rather than people who think you are crazy for saying alcohol is bad. I happen to think alcohol is inherently evil (no good comes from it), and this is hard to uphold in our world today.

i really don't know what to say or even where to begin. my heart is breaking. I am not a drinker and never really was except for when I was in high school experimenting with alcohol and marijuana. I have cleaned up my act, matured, grown up....  I was never addicted to either of these at any time so I do not know or understand chemical abuse. someone please help me understand.

My husband is 27 years old and has drank from the day we met. Although he doesn't drink as much as he did in the beginning he still drinking a lot more than he should. It is getting to the point where I told him I am fed up and I'm about ready to quit because I try and try to help but he keeps walking all over me. We have two children, I love him more than you can imagine and I dont want to give up but I get so hurt and angry. I say things I don't mean in hopes that it will scare him and he will get his shit together. but also he knows I am a weak person.

I dont know what to do. He is lying about it. hiding his beer and going off to drink it. Last night i found a 6 pack hidden under the balcony. a couple weeks ago it was under our neighbors camper in our parking lot, and a week before that I found it in the basement in our storage unit. Im tired of the lying and hiding. It started off as problems with the drinking but its blown up into our whole relationship. our trust.

He wont go to a docotor.
He wont go to AA.
He thinks I am trying to trap him and taking away the only thing he enjoys.

I love my husband and I want things to work out. We have two amazing kiddos and they deserve more than this!!
I go to my first al-anon meeting on Tuesday. I am terrified.

Thanks for any help!!!!
x-posted

Been gone for awhile... my mom passed away two weeks ago... acctually, 3 weeks today... alcohol related...

Still trying to get my head back together

Good to see more people are posting

I have always had it, I just learned how to name/describe the foundation of it.

I don't feel pissed much these days but I have been paying very close attention to rare feelings of angst and trying very, very hard to figure them out. This I know is the first step of getting rid of them. I hate feeling anything but peace. Of course I am human but I choose to be at peace as much as possible and I believe more is possible if you can figure yourself out.

I feel it is safe to say, I HATE it when I recognize any person playing one person against another with the goal of being worshiped. It's quite difficult to recognize for most because many become the kiss ass worshiper this person is expecting them to be. The implied threat usually goes something like this:

"kiss my ass and worship everything about me or I will do something to defame you or make you be the target of my wrath or I will deprive you of my 'royal' presence. You will have been witness to someone being their target and you may do anything to not get the same treatment.

Warning! Don't!

It is best you stay completely away from them and not get sucked into their abuse and manipulation. They care nothing about anyone but themselves and appearnce is the name of the game. They collect people like disposable trinkets that they can just toss away when the worship isn't to their satisfaction.

If you are valuable to their survival and/or appearance you may be the only one they manage to treat well for as long as they can keep up the act. They are masters at getting these needs met by someone who is somewhat emotionally or physically absent or needy and they give just enough of what you need to passify. You will likely be the last to see the big picture.

Clinically this behavior is symptomatic of borderline personality disorder or bi-polar with great narcissistic dysfunction or even anti-social or psychopathic tendencies.

Ever felt like you had to walk on egg shells around anyone? They probably are acting out the behaviors I have described.

I should know better than to feel hate or angst or be pissed. I know they can't help it. They are mentally sick and need help. Sometimes they are just too far into themselves that they can never be helped. They seem to be just stuck at the two or three year old level of developement. That "look at me, look at me" stage. And if you don't throw out "good job" or "wow, way to go" (worship) -the tantrum starts.

Believe it or not, these behaviors stem from great, giant insecurities. They have the ability to objectify people. They hate themselves but act as if they have think they are above others and project their self-loathing and anger onto others. Many times onto people they don't even know or have never met. It feeds their false sense of superiority and boosts their self worth to hurt others even if their target doesn't know or hear them.


Most people with these traits become addicts and alcoholics. Thankfully my cliens with these problems, to a degree that cause me angst, get kicked out because of causing drama and turmoil.