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Friday, July 25th, 2003
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12:13 am - when you have nothing better to do...
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| Thursday, July 10th, 2003
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4:37 pm - what IS her problem?!
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athena_marz
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i don't understand my mother.
she criticizes me for dating wes. she keeps telling me to break up with him. to "date around" in her words. so she basically wants me to be a whore or something. whatever.
anyways, i was thinking.
she's being a total hypocrite. i mean...look at who SHE married!
some disgusting pig who can't take care of himself, can't pay bills on time, has a fucking DEAD END job. he's a fucking LOSER! what made her choose him? he had dropped out of college when they met. what the hell?
and she keeps telling me she's glad she didn't marry some of the guys she dated earlier. well what makes dad any different from them? i know some of the people she dated. most of them have decent jobs, decent families, they can afford to put food on the table and keep up with their bills. their kids are going to college and they can AFFORD to send them to college.
what the hell?
but no, wes isn't good enough for her.
even though he is securing his future. he's in the fucking air force. dad was a draft dodger. wes is going to college, he has a good job with the air force, he'll have another job when he gets back. he has his own apartment. dad was living off of grandpa. living for free in his father's apartment building. that's just pathetic. wes pays his bills, he can afford food. he's everything that my mother could wish for as a suitor for her daughter. he's a gentlemen, he's handsome, he loves me! he doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs.
i seriously do not see the problem here.
i don't understand why my mother is such a bitch about it.
"she's just afraid i'm going to steal you away. which i plan on doing anyways."
i'm gonna be gone in a month for college anyways.
it's not like she won't see me ever again. although if she keeps this up maybe i won't come back. i seriously hate living here.
the other day she had the fucking nerve to ask me if i was still a virgin.
i rolled my eyes at her and said "yeah mom". she believed me, which is her own fault.
i just can't wait for the day when i tell her everything.
"guess what mom? i lost my virginity when i was 16! yeah, in a fucking HOTEL ROOM! oh wes was a virgin too, but we changed all that. and you know what? it was MY CHOICE! he didn't force me to do it. i WANTED to do it. and i LIKED IT! i still like it. we have sex all the time! you know all those times i told you i was going to wes's to watch a movie? yeah, we had sex! i enjoy having sex with wes. that's why i went on the pill mom. so i can have sex and not worry about getting pregnant. at least i'm responsible and i have safe sex right? oh and wes and i are getting married and there's nothing you can do about it. i love him and he loves me and we're going to spend the rest of our lives together."
i just want to move out so bad.
i started packing some stuff up.
it's the best way i think. to start packing now.
they won't be able to stop me from moving out that way.
well...they can try. but they won't succeed.
sigh
i just want this to be over. i don't want to live here anymore.
i need something more stable.
i don't want to worry about what utility we're going to lose this month.
and i fucking HATE cold showers!!!!
i fucking HATE not having food.
i fucking hate this house.
okay...i'm done.
-thene
current mood:  angry
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| Tuesday, July 8th, 2003
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2:24 pm - why are you so far away from me?
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athena_marz
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my journal is so old...
i've changed a lot during the course of it's exsitence.
i'd like to think that people won't judge me based on my past.
while i don't necessarily regret my past, i don't really enjoy having it follow me everywhere.
i'd like to keep it in a box, one no one else can get into.
the future is uncertain and i hate thinking about it.
i don't know if i look forward to it or not.
as long as he is there i know i'll be okay.
but i can't be certain that he'll stay.
or that i will stay.
i don't want to leave...
i want to stay with him forever.
i want to be as close as possible to him at all times.
i know this is for the best.
that when we're all said and done, we will have the most wonderful life together.
i know he loves me.
but to what extent?
we're both going to college soon.
what if he finds someone else?
i'm going to be so far away.
it's only a 2 hr drive. i drove 20 hrs to see him.
i still can't believe i did it.
from the great lakes to the gulf and back.
i think that's proof enough of my dedication to him.
we looked at engagement/wedding rings.
we talked about getting married.
we talked about a lot...
i just want him to come home.
10 more days...
only. 10. more. days.
-thene
current mood:  contemplative
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| Monday, June 23rd, 2003
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2:53 pm
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athena_marz
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It's 3am. I should be sleeping but I can't. why? A)stupid fucking cramps. The only way to feel good is by sitting up and I can't sleep in this position. B)him. I can't stop thinking about him. you'd think having access to his life and talking to him everyday would help but... I miss him. The phone converstaions are great and all but I miss that comfort. Knowing that if I really wanted to I could just walk out and he's right there across the road. I miss the closeness. It's stupid but i feel so torn from him right now. I feel almost...violated. I need him. And he's not here because of this stupid...thing. Why can't it be over with? Haven't they kept him long enough? I know it's only like what? 3 more weeks but...I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
He's gonna come back and I won't even recognize him. I can already tell he's changed just from talking to him. I just hope this wasn't some huge mistake. He'll never the be the Wes I originally fell in love with. Of course he hasn't been for awhile anyways. I miss the innocence and softness. I miss the vulnerability. I miss shy, insecure, stumbling, mumbling, virgin Wes. Now he's this confident, somewhat outgoing, military asshole. Not to mention a pervert, but that's okay. I guess it's just the military asshole part I don't like. But he won't stay that way forever right? sigh...ihopenot. I mean, don't get me wrong, I sitll love him and I always will. But if it comes to the point where there are more days that I hate him then I don't know.
To tell you the truth, I hate this whole Air Force idea. I've been opposed to it since the day he mentioned it to me, and I still am. Oh sure I'm supporting him, to help him get throuhg it. But I HATE it. It SUCKS!
It could be that I'm suffering from seperation anxiety. I just feel so alone and...abandoned. I just have this huge fear that he'll come back and not want to be with me anymore. I'm so afraid that he's going to leave me. I mean, I don't blame him. I'd dump me too after everything I've put him through. 5 months ago this wouldn't have bothered me. February is always a horrible month for me. I could've taken it back then. But now, if I lost him, I don't know what I'd do. I love him so much I can't stand to be without him. (sigh) I'm so scared.
It's funny, when I first met him I just...I knew. Somehow I knew. And then that night at the bonfire and our first kiss. I couldn't have asked for a night more perfect. I couldn't have asked for him to be more perfect. Everytime I stare into his eyes it's the only thing I can think of. Everytime we kiss its like I'm back there.
But I shouldn't live in the past. Things are different now. We're both different now. Especially him. I feel like it's my fault. My stupid fault. I hardened him. I'm the reason he left right? I should've stopped him. God, it's all my fault. It's always my fault. Why did I let this happen? I guess there are benefits to it, but all I ever see is the downside. I'm such a pessimist. I really need to fix that, it's not healthy.
I suppose what it all comes down to is that I think too much. And thinking and pessimism do not combine well. It's so depressing...
Wesley come home. I need you. I need you so much...you don't even know...
Help. me. please...
:'(
3:53am
6/23/02
current mood: contemplative
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bored