I miss you / Incubus

About a month ago, I signed up to become an anonymous egg donor. I think I was up late one night, there was an infomercial about egg donation, and somehow the message got stuck in my head subconsciously and the next morning found me calling clinics and seeing how I could help.

They profiled me about my health, my family's health, took a series of tests, had me speak to a counselor to see if I was ok with the thought of giving up my eggs (essentially a piece of me and them possibly being my children and having no connection), and they also asked for some photos so that any happy couple that inquired about receiving my eggs would know what I looked like. That was a little interesting. But oh well.

I got a call on Thursday. A couple in Portland is interested in meeting with me. Well, that was quick. I guess the journey begins. I still haven't told my parents and I guess at one point I'll have to because someone will have to come with me for the retrieval process. The first meeting is usually done alone. You meet with the couple and see if they like you and if they do, you move forward and all expenses are covered even travel and there is a first time fee for the first shot and then another larger fee after the eggs are retrieved.

Wish me luck on this journey. In other news, I found a job! I am embarking on a quest to become a financial advisor! Which means, I need to take a few tests and become licensed before I can actually do anything and those are for insurance and the series 6 and 63. The company has provided a great amount of training and I've learned more about finance and money than I ever did in a lifetime. It's interesting to pick up a new skill despite the fact that I hate math but I have to get over that since after I'm licensed it'll be all about math and I'll be swimming in numbers. So ladies and gents, feel free to call me up if you need financial advice. I'm sure I can be of some use after I'm licensed. Haha!

I was nudged twice to post something here so here I am posting an entry. I haven't really been up to blogging lately or hardly at all. If you have me as a friend on Facebook you can pretty much sum up what's going on with my life.

Let's see. I've become a statistic and a casualty of this cruel new economy which means I'm one of those masses laid off and looking for a job. Unfortunately, I'm way too over qualified whereas before when I first graduated in 2003 and we were in this mess, I was under qualified. F-my life. I'm trying to see if I can find some part time work or whatever so if anyone has any leads in the OC, hit me up!

Other than that, I'm continuing to build the Mary Kay business. It is slowly but surely getting there but we'll see how that goes. This layoff is giving me a lot of time to read and think. Mostly thinking about all the repercussions of not finding a job and what that might look like and it doesn't look good; it all looks gloomy so I bury myself in my books and hope and pray something comes along even if it's part time. If all else fails, I'll go work at Barnes and Noble or something until something pans out. Who knows? It's not beneath me. We all need money to survive and eat, right? Times are tough. Can't have it all.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Thursday, through an Indian meetup event, I started talking to a guy.

Wow. Go me.

Felt weird at first because I haven't dated anyone for 7-8 years and I didn't know what to say but I was surprised how natural it all felt so we continued emailing and talking and decided to go out on our first date last night.

Granted he wasn't all I wanted - short (5'9"), long curly hair, dark skinned, sarcastic, and all we seemed to talk about was his past relationships and how all Indian girls were into themselves and had a "fuck buddy." I had a hard time believing the last part; I guess that's because I'm a goody two shoes Indian girl that would never do that but then again, I've seen other Indian girls make complete fools of themselves.

We were supposed to meet in Artesia for Indian food but around noon he changed his mind and decided we should meet in Long Beach instead. This set me off a little. I have a deep rooted connection with Long Beach. Where haven't I been on a date in Long Beach? There could not be a spot that wasn't stamped with memories of Mike and me and of course, he decided that we meet at the Aquarium and walk around Shoreline Village. Ugh.

The past is the past, right? I have to move on and since he lives in Pasadena - Long Beach is dead center for us.

I was really nervous. Remember, haven't dated for a while? So I didn't know how to act. I guess he got that vibe and wanted to end our date early but I persisted. I really shouldn't have because I guess that gave him the go ahead to give me an impromptu back massage, followed by a kiss that turned into a groping session and I quickly backed off. He tried holding me back and it was a little scary. We were sitting out by the benches overlooking the Queen Mary and this colorful bridge with lights and there was no one in site. I'm sure someone would have heard me scream but I just kicked him and took off running towards my car.

Sorry guys, but you can't access the goods on the first date. And I don't really think I was attracted to him anyway. He was 8 years older and was probably used to having his way with women and I'm just not like that.

Oh well, it's back to the drawing board.

I am no longer afraid of the pink, red, and white. I'm not afraid of the day and this weekend or Monday, the 16th. I'm happy for those in love, those starting new relationships, those patching up old relationships, the 50 something's that give me hope, and yes, also those who are single like myself.

There is hope for everyone.

I never thought I could trust again or that love just wasn't for me but I was foolish and young and naive. I firmly believe that there is someone for everyone and my someone is out there. I don't know where but when the time is right; I'll find him or he'll find me. I never used to believe in Valentine's Day, always thought it was a waste of time - an economy booster and I still think it is but this day can serve as something more than that. What if it served as a wake up call to some couples? Some couples need a day like this and others just need to remember that there is more to life than just work and kids and they find each other again. Valentine's Day should be every day and for some it isn't.

What if this weekend were to change someone's life for good? You never know with love and that's the beauty of it.

Fate always finds a way to toy with my heart. Testing the waters to see if I'm still breathing or if I still feel something. I just want to know what it's telling me.

Thursday, I found myself back in Redlands. Expecting traffic, I headed out early and found myself there at 4:30, ahead of schedule and tired looking for coffee and food. Dug out the iPhone and found a Starbucks on Orange. Meh, not my favorite but whatever. But I should have known better. This Starbucks was no ordinary Starbucks and it took me back 7 years to a night I sat outside in a black duster freezing to death on a date with the man who would be the love of my life...

I was now wide awake.

I grabbed food and proceeded back to good ol' University of Redlands and held my makeup party. All went well and we proceeded home. I buried my head in surveys until my sales director told me she was lost and I looked up to see we were at Kimberly Crest. In one crystal clear moment, an instant flood of memories came rushing at me and I couldn't speak. It took every ounce of me to hold back the tears that pricked at my eyes. I wanted to curse fate.

"Uh, the freeway is back there..." I finally managed to stutter.

Over the years, I've done my best to move on but I guess there are some things you can't avoid especially when some of your best moments are spent at those spots. *sigh* I digress. Fate, if you're trying to tell me something. Just tell me. Don't throw clues; I can't take it anymore.

I just want one thing right now. Just give me the will power, the strength, the know-how, whatever it is I need to make this happen. I want to leave that shit hole in 6 months.

I went to my orientation and makeup consultation today. If I become Director, I can open my business in India! God, I want this so bad. I received 3 pink carnations today to signify my journey and I'm planning my debut business party in June up north. :) Wow! This is happening way too fast and I just hope I don't crash and burn.

I have a glorious long weekend that I really deserved and I was hoping to accomplish a lot.

-Clean my desk
-Clean my apartment
-Clean out my Camelbak
-Make chocolate chip muffins
-Look through my Mary Kay stuff
-Unpack 3 boxes (these are still left over from my move!)
-Start a filing system
-Start my scrapbook
-Order my marathon pictures through Snapfish
-do laundry
-Shred all my receipts
-Get my taxes done
-Order Clif Shots and Luna Moons
-Buy new sports bras, underwear, and shirts
-Buy a citronella plant

Bah! Only two things done. That's partially because training kicked my ass on Saturday. I had no Gatorade with me and with the combination of heat and sweat, I drained my body of all electrolytes and when you do that, you get delirous and you begin doubting yourself. It could be really dangerous and around mile 13 I really hated myself for doing what I was doing. I didn't think about the cause, our honored hero Jason, my loving teammates..no one. I was by myself, crossing over the last hill, thinking "why am I doing another marathon? I am so stupid for putting myself through this." When I got back, Coach Darin was trying to give me a big high 5 but I just wanted to yell and scream but I restrained. He saw the look of pain and frustration on my face, handed me a Gatorade, and told me I needed to drain the whole bottle. I did and I was fine. Later, I joined them for lunch at Super Mex. I was still pretty out of it but I still think this will be my last marathon. Nothing but halfs from now on but one thing is for sure: gotta have that Gatorade!

So much to say, so little time. A lot has happened in the past 3 weeks and it's already March.

I paid off my car! That's an extra $500 in my pocket each month for who knows what. Today was the Nike Women's Marathon lottery. Yes, lottery. I had to enter my name with many others and hope I'm one of 20,000 selected to run this awesome race in SF. I'll know at the end of this month. *crossing fingers and toes*

This weekend I bought myself a little pet - more like a project but not really a pet. A plant. A pink jasmine plant. I've always wanted a jasmine ever since the Redlands days and that heavenly scent by Holt and the library; it made it all worthwhile and now I'll have that same scent from my balcony. It just needs to bloom, damnit so I check it every day, tell it all about my day, and make sure she's got all the Miracle Gro and water she needs to keep her going. Bloom and smell! I can't wait!

All of my Indian dramas are making me well up like crazy. I don't know why Indian writers decide to reincarnate or take 5 year leaps every time they lose ratings. It makes me crazy.

May Thursday a.k.a. Valentine's Day a.k.a. Single's Awareness Day a.k.a. Consumer Holiday a.k.a. Another Hallmark Holiday pass without incident.

Adrienne and I spent our Monday night at the Steelhead Brewery for some tasty $1 tacos. I'm trying to convince her to come out and do the Disney Half with me but she's convinced that she can never run or walk again. But then some guy at our table started talking to her about hiking and we were both intrigued. Apparently he runs a large hiking group that meets throughout the week at Whiting Ranch. Lucky me. Whiting Ranch is right behind me near the Foothill Towne Center. Running and hiking? Wow. Look at me. I have done a total 180 and I just might accomplish my goal of losing some weight this year and I just might dig out those size 6 jeans and give them a whirl by summer time. That would make me the happiest woman in the world. If I can fit into size 6 jeans and a cute top by summer time, I'll forget everything that happened to me up to this point. If you look good, you feel good and when you feel good you can accomplish and do just about anything.

Spent Friday with Sara and had an amazing Italian dinner and finally watched Wicked! I have been waiting to watch Wicked and see Sara FOREVER. Good times. Hopefully, we'll conquer Phantom next. :)