Well, it seems that Furcadia decided to get into gear and the servers have come back on sooner then expected. And considering that the bloody thing is always going down; yeah, I am surprised it is back on so soon. -.- At least SOMEONE is actually working on the problem. Sheez...

Well. I am heading back to see if any of my friends have returned. Poor Oomad and Mortain. We were discussing about Oomad's guy friend spilling her business to this other friend of her's which he had no right disclosing. >.> Poor thing. I know EXACTALLY how that is.

Current Music: I close my eyes - Techno - Trance
Current Mood: moody

GUH! For the forth night in a ROW! Furc has gone down. It seems the first wave of disconnect onslaught begins when it irritably lags. Then everything seems to go fine, and as soon as you get into some good conversations or games, BAM! The servers keel. Jesus. As if it wasn't bad enough that three days ago the servers melted and you could not login to the game for over twenty four hrs.

Now this. It seems that every day the bloody, fucking maintenance crews cannot keep the thing from mass melt-down every night. It's just aggravating. It's galling. Twice I was in convos when the damn thing shut-down, and each time, it takes over an hr to come back on.

Now I see WHY people get so frustrated with this game.

Besides that, another funky quiz I took just to pass the time.
Ghost or spirit: You are a lost soul. Very calm and
sweet, you are often the one who asks: What if?
With a clever mind, you want to explore the
world on a different level. Without the
answers, you aren't ready to move on. You are
most likely very creative and find yourself
thinking things through on a different level.
(please rate my quiz)

**Where will you go when you die?**(now with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Current Mood: predatory

Well, today I made the decision to go out a buy a new bird. I guess I started to realize the obvious noticeable differences since Iago's passing and just not having a bird around; it sure was much more different after six years of having a pet near. So, I asked my mum's friend to make a few calls and see who was offering what--there were a few private breeders in the paper--but most wanted ridiculous prices for standard color cockatiels, like what Iago was. Of course, there are notable different prices in the colors of birds, but it seems that a lot of pet stores, not to mention breeders had risen the prices of birds.

I had seen one that I liked a few days before at the local pet safari just up the road. They had a small selection of cockatiels--usually Animal House is larger, but the closest store is in St. Petersburg--one that I seemed to have an interest in was a pearl clad one with a really ratty tail.

He didn't come to me, I actually had to grab him, but once held, he was as friendly and gentle as a lamb. In many ways, the bird had slight traits Iago used to have, which made me appeal to him right away. However, mum pointed out a bird with a grey body, but a arctic white face. Upon gain of information, the bird was imported from Australia I believe, noting the band on his leg stating he was in quarantine. But the problem I found was he was a year old. O.o For me, I wanted a baby. My goal, to try and get a newer bird with a demeanor like Iago had. So, I had my doubts.

But after all the searching yesterday, and even one wasted trip to a store where all their birds were not hand-fed, we ended up back at the store just up the road.

The white-faced bird was there, and so was the other pearl adorned one. Right away, I noticed that the white-faced bird was attached to the pearl one, which got my mum swooning more and more over him. Barring that I wanted to pick a bird out for myself, she kept saying that he looked like he would be manageable, and more then likely, able to be tamed. I had my doubts still, but I kept on telling myself he was a pretty bird and very unique to all the other birds in the pen. Little did I know that when I got home, I would get exactly what I bargained for.

So, I plunked one hundred and twenty eight dollars for the little sucker and took him home. And I must say, I've only had him for about, five hours now, and he is already showing much improvement. Not only has he settled down, he is even sitting with me as I type this, burrowed against my neck, content. ^_^;;;

It feels much better having a bird around again. I was really beginning to miss the company of one, and dearly missing Iago and all his irritating pecking.

Things are better now. ^.^;; And I must say, I believe having this new bird will help ease some of the grievance and pain I am having over Iago. It is hard not to miss the little guy; he still has his own special place and I will always miss him, even now I do, but at least now I can begin down the path to healing and moving on.

I now welcome Yami. My new bird and newest future friend. =^_^=

Current Mood: optimistic
Current Music: The Dark side of the Moon - N-Trance - Pink Floyd

I never thought starting out the new year could harbor its painful events, but for January 1st 2004 will be the day I will remember as a dark day for me.

Today, I lost my beloved pet, Iago. I've never known what it was like to actually lose a pet that was close to you, and the pain that comes is unfathomable.

Iago, my sweet, tame and loving bird left me at 12:30pm today, as I woke up with him dead next to me.

Words cannot convey my feelings right now, but I feel as if a part of me has been ripped out from my body and tossed to the fire. Even now, I look in the cage and it is... Empty. Just like my heart now.

I don't care if I come off as angsty, I miss my bird. I LOVED and still love my bird. He was special to me and it's never going to be the same.

Saying good bye is never easy, is it? I don't even know how long I had sat there cradling his tiny body; I didn't want to let go, but I finally worked up the nerve to put him in a little box and bury him. OH GOD! It hurts! I just feel like dying myself.

Even now, finding the words for this; I am just crying so hard. Just wishing that life was not as cruel as I am now finding out. It will never be the same. Never. And I feel I did something... Like there was more I could've done. But what? I was asleep DAMMIT and he was just next to me! He was fine when I brought him into the room, FINE! And the next thing I know, he is dead on the floor.

Life is really beginning to suck, as I will remember New Years as a day of bleakness and sorrow for me. A day when my beloved bird was taken from me.

Words can never express how much I love you,
from the day we met; I quickly found a peace
You were always there, making the day,
A brighter one, forever bright.

Always cheerful, looking at me with those eyes.
Holding endless depths of life,
a soul that was never bound.
You made me laugh, made me happy when I was sad.
And was never afraid of me,
Always willing to sit with me.

And now you're gone.
As a shadow hangs,
the world sudden seems dark and cold.
My heat now aches.
Singing a pain I will always hate.

The winds change and time flows on,
now I have to move on.
Traveling the path of life,
I walk the thorns alone.
Wishing you were still here,
a little creature who helped me not feel so alone.

The light fades, harboring your memory,
never forgetting those good times,
as you now rest in God's arms.

Fly openly now.
Dance among the clouds,
and sing to the stars in the heavens.
You're no longer bounded to this world,
a soul that is now free.

Even though I will miss you,
I will never forget,
how happy you made me.
And that you were always,
special to me.

Sorry I never told you all I wanted to say.

We are all immortal in spirit. But in body, we’re nothing more then mere shells of what is to come.

In memory of my beloved Iago. September 27th 1998 - January 1st 2004.

Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: One sweet day - Mariah Carey

I just got in recently and I must say, I am exhausted! The party was not as big as I thought it would be, but nonetheless, I had a smashing good time. ^_^;;;

It was nice to see some old friends as well as some new faces among the fanclub ships, and I even got a chance to enjoy myself by dancing to drums barefoot around the campfire. Even though I am semi-buzzed and worn out, I just want to express how much fun I had at this party. Watching another year come to a close was just as exciting as seeing the new one start while I reminisce of memories of good times during the past twelve months.

I hope everyone else enjoyed their evening as much as I did. And I also hope that all of you have a fantastic year. ^_- It's the beginning of new adventures and changes for all of us.

Being that I am as tired as I am, I will go into more details of my evening later in the day. For now, I need to meet someone on Furc before I turn in. I am feeling ready to passout at the desk. o.o

Current Mood: tired

Just wishing everyone a wonderful New Years eve and hope that the upcoming year is as pleasurable, if not better year to come. ^_^;;;

Now I am off to a party to have some fun and get drunk! So, I will see everyone next year! Ciao!

Current Mood: bouncy

Before I go onto my next entry, I just want to add that la_belle_laide has already answered my last entry as planned, and I must say, despite my anguished-slicked over mood, I did get a slight pang of amusement. Small, but it was there. She is just as loyal of a dog as ever. A mentally insecure dog, bitch maybe. (I am probably making an understatement here) But nonetheless, a devoted, narcissistic, arrogant, obsessive loon that DOES revel in abusing other people's misfortunes. Hmmm... Predictable... Yes. It's just becoming more apparent. She is INDEED a neurotic person. (But still, *SNICK* she fails to ever address or comment on these accusations. Funny.) Nothing new. She'll never change. That's what sociopaths are like. Celst la vie.

But... I know I swore to not answer, however I have GOT to ask this. Lets see if she'll be willing to this.

Say Jules. Since you believe you're oh so normal. Absolutely innocent and devoid of any probability of having any kind of mental anomaly, I challenge you to take this test. It's to run a mental eval on your personality disorders. I, myself have taken the test, as well as many other people I know. I would LOVE to see the results of yours. *Giggle* And, I just MAY show you my results if you're big enough to reveal yours.

Or, are you a limp, noodle-back-boned wuss and would not even entertain the very idea of letting me see if you house any mental disorders? I bet you won't. In fact, I *know* you won't. But, either way, it will still prove you are mentally unstable, and indeed, don't want the world to know this. For the all wonderful and mighty Jules may suffer image loss and regard if the truth gets out. Maybe, despite my dark demeanor, I can get a simple laugh outta this. Because you always try and avoid the truth because you're just like a bonafide chauvinistic pig who enjoys watching other people suffer. Sick, but true.

But... If you're inclined to my offer... *Laughs* Here is the address to take the test.

I know you won't do it. But, it was worth a try. ^_^;;

(Oh BTW: Canting. There ya go. *Snerk* I didn't really give a fuck if I spelled it wrong or not. Made no difference to me. So, here is my reasoning. But, no correction because of you. Merely, because I felt a need to use it in mock. Lets appoint this word to Jules's word of the week. LMAO)

And to further note. Because I should address this mindless BS she continues to put out. With the whole cliched fish-slapping joke. To deflate that egotistical bubble of yours Jules. You are NOT the only one to have ever used that. It's been a running gag for *years* that is just about been used to death. To be frank, I've even done it in the past. And if you have these so-called connections you say you have; people who I think are friends relaying to you what I say. Then you'd know this. You'd even know what type of fish I used when immitating the joke. So, telling me I'm going to use it is crap. Been there. Done that. Got the shirt.

(Oh. And if I ever use any of your 'phrases'; the ones you claim I'll try to 'pass off as mine', it is and has always been in mock of you. Not in immitation, or trying to inflate my writing image. I just find stuff you like to use continously and use it myself to just mock you. Nothing more. Nothing less. So. Let the damn air out of that swelled head of yours)

Furthermore. On my final comment to you within the post. I do not seem to be far from the only one considered 'having too much time on hand' since I don't lie in wait for you to post shit that is not in any relation to me and spend perfectally good time replying. YOU are the only one I see doing such. Even stuff I post that has not one aspect related to you and you ANSWER. And I have nothing better to do? Eh? Would you mind defining that for me? Because it appears that the only one who always seems to have nothing better to do, is you. Or, you would not be answering to everything I say. Related to you or not. You really need to stop tooting your own horn, Jules. It really does make you look like a jackass.

God this wacko chick is so damn hypocritical. o_O

Now... I shall continue on with what is truly important. An actual LJ entry concerning things about myself as per what this account is really about.

Yes. I do understand that I seem to be constantly moping. Even now, I haven't really had any status changes in mood, or outlook. I just keep on longing for the one thing needed to retrieve me from this depression slump... And as of yet, still no results. I'm still digging my claws into hope. Trying to take all my friend's advice and have a little faith. But... There are times where I am still unsure. I mean, I don't want to continue wallowing this way. Dragging my feet and floor watching. Continuously leading into despair. But I do not see any alternate method of raising my spirits. There are those who are valiantly trying and I commend them. Still, it is unsuccessful.

It's still hard at times to not let the walls crumble and dive into a emotional meltdown. I struggle all the time to resist the urges that are constantly plaguing me and sometimes, in vain. It's not as easy as people say to push the mourning aside and plaster on a smiley face. Doing so only makes me feel like I am putting on a false guise. I don't see anything honest when the emotion is not truly coming from the heart and only comes off as a lie. most people will counter and say that is not always the case. But, I beg to differ, otherwise.

I still feel I will rise above it in my own time. When fate decides. Or, when the turning Wheel does. I always know what is needed to finally pacify my sour state. The only question is, will that factor happen any time soon? As long as the one thing in my life needed remains misunderstood of how much I need him, I fear there will never be a resolution. In truth, only time will indeed, tell.

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Need dark music...

I only want to add just a few quick comments to la_belle_laide

Hey, ego trip. I did not really GIVE a fuck if you read my entry or not. I am so friggin' apathetic right now, I don't even freakin' care if you reply to this. (I just HAD to see if your stupid ass replied. And sure enough, like the loyal dog you are to my writings, you did!) It just proves your obsession with me. That your twisted compulsive tendencies to gain my attention for your own benefit are actually true, and I am not going start beating on the walls in rage because you're expecting it. The bitter fact is, you're just some sick, mentally instable thirty one year old woman who looks for people with a defined weakness so you can pick, point, ridicule and ruin for your own gain. No matter how much you try and make me look like a "cantering ass", fact will be fact. You're nothing more then a fucked up mental nut-case who enjoys beating on the less fortunate. Stop trying to hold at bay what is truth. Your utter, blatant denial is all too apparent. So, just own up to the truth and seek some help.

BTW: Your stupid little 'pathetic gag' attempt; hitting me with a dead fish? Is so friggin cliched, it even makes YOU look like a complete jackass. Take your own advice honey and get some NEWER material. You have utter nerve to coach me on my English and whatnot and you're no fucking better. >.<

Now, with that said. I can go wallow in my depression without your sorry ass. You're only succeeding in making me more miserable and apathetic. Not angry or whiny. Get over yourself, Narcissistic Nancy.

(Watches her clock to see how long it will take for her loyal dog to reply) *SNICK* *Weak giggle*

Current Music: Blah. Who cares?
Current Mood: apathetic

I know it's been a while since I've actually updated. but I have legible reasons. Considering that the last time I've updated and this entry, I have endured a major downfall, and I can safely say, it's not on the lighter side of good.

I realize just how much life really does suck. Yeah. There is always all this talk of how things will always get better. How if you just hold onto a little faith, that change is inevitable. And considering that I have been so haplessly trying to believe that, it seems that faith has undeniably eluded me.

Sometimes I just want to sit back and cry. To just in a blink, release all my pain. I envision a life of just being happy. To be free of this prison I've been slung into. But, despite all my efforts, I cannot seem to break the chains. And I know of the one thing that will, but there is uncertainty if that is even going to happen.

At times, I just feel like I am drowning. Faltering to dark side life's true onslaughts and slowly becoming part of the statistics. Throughout the years, I've lived in denial and veiled the truth to praise my own fantasies. But I have actually come to realization that is nothing but a substitute for what my heart has desired all this time. And now, as much as I try to fulfill the life I had so desperately tried to push back, it seems that even in this aspect, I am succeeding at only opening empty hands.

There are even times I cannot breathe. My depression is so great, I even begin to believe that hope has become completely lost. I've even begun to notice that only things of a dark nature seem to bring me the slightest comfort. Even the once wanted comfort given by friends as an always welcomed commodity, is now just but a meaningless attempt by endearing friends that does not help ease the pain. I've regressed so far in just a short time, the thought of leaning on a endless path has begun to swell in my mind. I even contemplate if there is even a future at all.

Faith is even dwindling slowly. Little by little. I try each day, pull forth the attempt to bring to me the one thing which will ultimately smooth out my wrinkles and rescue me from this relentless depression slump. But with each effort made, it seems the one thing becomes more and more distant. It's tearing me apart. One fiber at a time. And I am not too sure if even the focal point of my ultimate rescue even understands how much I rely on him to make that life much more brighter.

There are times... I just want to give up all hope. To just succumb to the shadows creeping into my heart and come to an understanding that the future I so desperately want to grasp, is just too far out of my reach. As young as I am, I don't want to live the rest of my life in such a pitiful existence. But, if it cannot be accompanied by the very aspect of what my heart is seeking. What is there even a point to even continuing?

Even as I type this. I am struggling to withhold back the tears. I want to believe and cling to the fact that I am entrusting God to guide my life, but even me, a strong believer is slowly slipping from the circle the longer and longer my happiness is denied to me.

Why should anyone be subject from that what we were placed unto this Earth for? Is it really so cruel to surpass the sin and allow everyone a destined right to remain content, happiness filling into each heart? Moreover, why am I wallowing in this constant pain? Inexorably, my life is in a constant state of turmoil. Every move, every attempt, every struggle and reach, thrown aside like a rag doll, leaving me to lie on my knees, at the mercy of the sick twists of fate that have unjustly graced my small existence. And as I look on at those around me, happy and free, I reside in my prison. Left to drift until I drown amidst this cruel sea of poison.

For now. I have no ideal where the Winds of Time are going to take me. What the turning Wheel is going to foreordain my soul. However, I will twine my claws into the melee as long as I can. For as long as my heart can. I crave; need substance. And the longer I go without that fulfillment, the more and more the outlook becomes bleak. Only giving me the final impression there is nothing left to gain.

Current Music: Anything depressing and dark
Current Mood: melancholy

After viewing the latest comment by our resident psycho and sociopath, I felt the need to reply one last time since I found her comments... Slightly amusing but irritating this time around.

Once again as I predicated, she twisted the truth and mangled it so badly that she is trying to imply the impression that everything I actually said in recent entries isn't true. And the version she is trying to portray isn't what I actually said.

Of course. I just snorted at her BS rambling and lies.

We have to expect that within the confines of Jules's little mind, everything is always butchered from the actual truth. She is very manipulative. Very deceptive and very vengeful. Such comes from people with deep social and mental insecurity, or low-self esteem. In this case, and as one of my friends also said. She seems to have some kind of mental disturbance.

The other funny thing is: She commented back on the few sentences in my last journal entry, leaving out key points because I believe that she thought it would help her trample the truth even more. There were many points where I said legitimate things to prove how her responses and thinking of the situation are all but lies and fabrications. But yet again, she danced around them and focused on the parts that helped her promote her version of it.

And if that isn't selective listening. I don't know what is.

Still. She can believe what lies she wants. I know as well as a lot of people that she is notorious for being a chronic liar and procurer of falsified facts. In which I am sure has lowered her regard in the eyes of other people. However, if this is what gets her jollies and juices flowing, however sick that maybe. So be it. I will never meet this psycho bitch and don't ever want to. The fact is: I am not stalking anyone. Proof has already been given. The truth is: She is harassing and obsessing over me. It's never going to change because she refuses to let go. Plain and simple. Period.

The end result: This shit can go on forever with out no actual conclusion. She is just going to spin her wheels, and I am never going to see an end, ever.

So, I am quite aware that I am just wasting breath, energy and time replying to her. We ARE speaking of Jules here. (This is why I am not going to answer beyond this point) The very same who only sees what she wants to see. Despite if it is fact or fiction. She is selective and only sees/hears what she wants. No point in trying to convince otherwise.

Considering that she tossed everything aside that I confronted/accused her with... And just rounded back on me with another slew of rancid lies; I've just tossed my hands up. To be honest and blunt. I know what the truth is, and I know that I am not stalking/beating on any minors and if she wants to believe that twisted Bull Shit, then more power to her.

A few comments to the 'psycho' the onto better things. ^^;;

"I was perfectly sincere, just as I was perfectly sincere when I said I would leave your guild when you took down your stolen art (and I did."

Now. If that wasn't a lie of epic proportions, I would not be wanting to scream about now and pound the monitor. Jules. For one thing. Can you at least reply to me WITHOUT the lies? Is that even possible? Probably not. You never left after I took the pic down. To be frank, I recall you even posting a comment about me addressing waiting for Silvestris to reply to my request for permission to use her work. And I had already TAKEN down the pic. You even commented SEVERAL times when I was ranting about people on the guild talking to you. There were even comments by you right before I took the guild down.

Like I said. Don't freakin' patronize me. Your promises are empty and dishonest. You would never stop as long as I come up with something else to amuse you.

"*Sigh!* So I have to friend her just for kicks. She'll probably friend-lock anything juicy (like if she decides to post more of her fics or whatever,) but then some of her pals will send those on to me. ^_^ Should that happen, I won't write about it here, though. That would be classless. ;D We'll just giggle about it in email and chat. ^___^"

And...

"And here I came into this hoping that it would be all about her fics and drawing and gaming and I'd have a good laugh over it and her malapropisms. ("Weary." *giggle!* Oh, and read her bio if you get a chance. It's hilarious.)"

You'd leave me alone if I "got help". Indeed. You're the one that located my journal and posted an entry about me. I in no way said ANYthing to you until I noticed that you invaded my LJ. Quit contradicting yourself, Jules. You forget that you already self-incriminated just by posting. Try your *own* blog dearie.

"LQ, you just keep on bringing the squick. How could I?"

...Squick? WTF? Okay Jules. It's flack or strife. And you say I make malapropisms? You my friend need to practice what you preach.

"Oh, but why? You've learned more from me--about English, about fanart on the internet, about Mary Sues, about decorum, about

so much--than you've ever learned from anyone in your life. You should be thankiing me, LQ,"

EXCUSE ME?! Let me clarify one thing miss egocentric. Stop strutting and patting yourself on the shoulder because you're coming off more and more narcissistic each time. You. Never. Helped. Me. *Other* people did. People who knew how to address me without being so damn shrewd and arrogant. (Unlike you) So, no. I don't owe you anything. All you've succeeded in doing is aggravate, irritate and disgust me. Nothing more. So get the hell over yourself and stop flaunting. You haven't done a thing! >_<

Lastly. Who the fuck is LQ? Do I know that person? My name is either Celest or Inu. Either call me by that or I will not address you. I do not answer to other people's names and never will. Sorry. But you need to get off the kick because your obsession horrifies me.

But besides that little... Distasteful escapade. On the brighter side. I believe I have finally gotten myself re-established among the R/P community and on DA since of my random absence. I've even helped a few people on DA with art as well as one of my good Deviant friends... Machine-Gutz finally came out of purgatory and resumed her status on DA. YAY! *Hugs Tracy* You HAVE to go see her. She has AWESOME art. Witness the greatness!

Among other things. I've been on an avatar/icon kick. I've taken on a few commissions for that. And have been enjoying creating avis for people. Not that it takes place of my art. But nonetheless. I like helping people.

May go see Matrix Revolutions or Brother Bear tomorrow with my Best Friend. Both have captured my fancy. And are as equally tantalizing. That is where I may be tomorrow. Haven't been to the movies in ages. O_-

Besides that. Not much else to add. Relaxing and enjoying my weekend talking to friends. Hmmmm... I think a good ol R/P is in order. I feel a lack there. Maybe some violent, August battling and enticing R/P is in order. ^.^;;

Current Mood: cynical
Current Music: No music. Just AIMing ^^;;