| Inferiority complex... |
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| 02:39am 05/11/2008 |
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So its been eons...again...as usual since the last time I posted. It would be entirely too lengthy for me to post a real update response to what's happened in what the past year maybe?
Anyway, so I've been having this issue...inferiority. Why do I feel like I'm just not enough? Not necessarily "good" enough but just not enough? It seems to keep me from doing things in regard to other people that I LOVE (thrive off of) to do.
For example there's the guy I know who's name is Josiah. Josiah is one of those "hipster" type kids lol. I dunno if he drinks Pabst beer or smokes a hookah or shops at American Apparel but long story short he's definitely what I would consider out of my league of comfort. He's really hyper, corny, over the top, shameless...I tend to be loud, ghetto (but only as a facade lol) corny, shameless, introspective (in thought)...we're starting to sound a lot alike yea? We have a good bit, personality wise, in common: the main issue is our life experience.
I always feel that because I seem to have experienced so little life and lived it and made friends throughout the process and grabbed a couple battle scars and a few good stories that I have no grounding, reason, or right to try to relate to or connect with anyone. Its a lot like the salesman who sells a product and the one who lives the product...who are you most likely to buy into? I don't want to just sell a product...I would rather people know that I have lived my life and learned from it and tell the lamest stories and have the lamest friends than know that I have lived little to no life and have the most outrageous stories ever.
Back to Josiah. I pretty much told him that I had no idea what to think of him for two reasons: one being that he's SO over the top and complex that I didn't think it'd be worth getting to know him(s) and secondly because even if I did then (my personal statement) "We'll get to know each other and initially be well off but then slowly he'll realize that I'm like a fire with kindling but no log (no substance, no fuel, no potential) and then become disenfranchised and disengage a friendship".
Somehow I have to HAVE to overcome this thorn in my ass...but its so challenging. Its one thing to challenge a mindset and empty it of all the negative dispositions; I can do that with my eyes closed. Its wholly another challenge altogether to fill it again with the experiential fortitude that gives you an identity...
<-Kev-> |
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| Yes its been a while...again |
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| 09:05am 08/04/2008 |
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One thing that bothers me sublimely is people who "have to have somebody"
*Take one young lady I know*
She started off the school year heart broken which is sad and understandable and whatever and so she was consoled. Then next thing you know she's talking to this one blonde cat. Okay *woo hoo!* good for you...then she just up and looses him...who knew what happened to that? He was so nice...or maybe that was the problem. THEN she started talkin to this other guy named Mac...no homo...but he's pretty hot lol. Then maybe a couple of weeks later (roughly around the same time Mac was still in the frame anyway) she started seeing this other guy who was "being a jerk to her" so now she's officially "with" this other guy.
I mean don't get me wrong its not THAT bad a thing but then again in itself, it is that bad. And it's not enough that all that's happening and mind you with a "commitment" made with each "relationship" but she posts the pictures, she posts the blogs, she "wears" the status and she just overall...needs to get it together. It so annoying to see two and three guys at a time come up to her lookin for affection cause they all think she's theirs and she doesn't realize that she's playin these dudes.
She's so tired of getting hurt well DUH!! Stop huntin down dudes like you're goin Christmas shopping and stop just saying yes to every man that comes to you love and maybe the right one will come to you.
UGH
will update later... |
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| :( A little defeated...wow its been a minute lol |
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| 04:15pm 09/11/2007 |
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So last night...mind you after a tumultuous night of tossing and turning every few minutes all night long (ridiculous), I realized some things or somethings took fruition in my conscious mind. After listening to the MKs from ICS a couple of days ago, I realized that I'm not too far down the street from them (metaphorically speaking). I don't fit in anywhere, and developing relationships is one of my biggest struggles. It seems downright impossible. I mean....I have never done that successfully in my whole life and I have yet to do it.
I'm not depressed about it because the joy of the Lord has all but infiltrated every instance of my being but I can't help but feel overwhelmingly defeated. I realized that like Jeremiah there are certain things that I don't feel I'm supposed to have, like Ezekiel there are other things that I have had that needed to be taken away from me, and like Job there are things that need to be sacrificed. I feel for anyone in this position. It must be lonely. I feel for myself because this is only where it starts.
However I try to look at it this way. Perhaps its a blessing to be a tumble weed amongst trees and to so swiftly uproot and fly away with the wind; to be cold and indifferent to leaving people behind and moving on with life...to never establish long lasting relationships and to have to say goodbye would be better than to grieve and lament over loved ones long established. Yea...
I realize I'm not the only one but it always feels like it haha. So from here on out I guess whether or not I'm in this alone...I'll walk it out as if it were so. No life, no love, no friends unless God Himself decides to bless me with these gifts...I've proven to myself that I'm virtually incapable of doing it on my own...
*end rant*
<-Kev->
PS...I'm still happy as a fruit fly in a super market guys lol. Just a side note :) |
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| Yupp I'm back...again lol |
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| 06:18pm 22/06/2007 |
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Okay update on meeeee!!!!!
I just recently got a job at subway (well not too recently...its been about three or four months) but at any rate...thank GOD for that job. However....its turned out to be not much more than a perdition....pit! It...I can hardly even DESCRIBE how messed up that place is
Firstly: The manager...my manager...is JUST TURNING 18!!...wtf much?
Secondly: The owner is a control freak, "man's man", spazzamatazz wanna be (in control of things) freako-zoid who trys real hard...to screw up everything. He knows how to run a business sure...but he has NO IDEA how to run a store.
Thirdly: The people in that place...I have never encountered, to such a magnanimous degree, people of this like: The type that will sit around and complain all day, ALL DAY LONG about what's not right and what needs to be better and "how de stow 'posed t'be ruhn". They sit around and MAKE THEMSELVES pissed off about everything. I mean sure the place SUCKS I will most definately say that without hestitation...but there's no need to come in the door lookin evil with this whack little defeatus attitude like the day is already ruined just because its starting at Subway on 432 McNulty Street Blythewood South Carolina 29016. It really gets on my nerves.
Fourthly: Because of little things like that, I come home drained and exhausted in my body, in my mind, in my SPIRIT!!!??? A little deep yes? Since I've been here, I've developed yet ANOTHER ulcer (in other words, that's what happens when all else has failed and the amount of stress becomes unhandleable {new word lol}). I need to leave immediately and plan to do so. Not so much because its whack but because internal bleeding and having to do quintessentially eveything by myself in the mornings being that I'm an opener...and the only opener because the lame-o manager keeps fireing everyone (all for the low low price of $6.75 an hour) is NOT worth it.
In more upbeat news I GOT INTO CIU......whoo hoo...! Yea excited about that yalls'uns :) I can't WAIT to start back actually doing something meaningful with my time. I really can hardly wait. And even though I thought not-so-much of Brevard before I left there, CIU reminds me SO MUCH of Brevard College that its hardly funny...so I know I'll love it :)
I'm finally starting to update my wardrobe now. I just really need more business casual wear and a couple of suits (not too crazy about those). I really just want a couple of really nice blazers (that fit...which just might be a task to find as much lol).
New issue...well kinda of an old one as well...the HIV scare I had around May of last year was TERRIBLE for me. I thought it was over. Although, I did have peace about it (mostly because it was my ignorance and stupidity that got me into the bing in the first place). Still now the issue has resurfaced yet again. I have not been sexually active since then (as most could understand why lol) but even now all of these strange symptoms are arising: Lethargy, listlessness, sore stomache (it almost feels as if its inflamed), irritability, exhaustion, and insomnia (to a very small degree though). I'm needing to take yet another test just to make sure the first wasn't just a "We're telling you you are HIV negative cause we can't find it not because you really are" situation. There's a slight possibility that it could've been dormant and/or in very minute concentrations in my blood stream as to have appeared undetected. I just pray that I don't have to wait and wonder again. But just like last time, if it be so, then it was my own fault...and the bastard who knew about it. But I'm not mad at him either.
<-Kev-> |
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| Ugh thank God |
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| 02:39am 04/04/2007 |
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Yea so we (Joe and I) finally talked about the situation the other day and I feel LOADS better :) Basically he asked me something along the lines of: This happened months ago and if I recall we've been talking ever since then. We're even talking now. In fact I'm usually the one talking to you anyway lol. Don't worry about it. Its in the past. If it was that big a deal, I'd not have another word to say to you.
That meant the world to me (I know its lame lol) But yea I'm good now :)
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| 01:04am 25/03/2007 |
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So...for those who do or don't know me, I'm the type who prides himself in being the good guy and not doing the "stupid guy" things that other people do that makes them stinky hot trashy hoes. I'm honest, loyal, and shameless...but all in one night I found out that indeed I'm a liar, unloyal, and ashamed.
I've NEVER been one to talk behind someone's back. Its either been, I go directly to the person that I have a problem with or an issue to bring up with, or I'll talk about in confidentiality to another or as the thought comes to mind ONLY then because I'm just on the way to talk to that person about w/ever it was that was on my mind. But this time I actually talked about someone.
I basically made out with this guy about a year ago and blogged about it, then told someone about it as well. I thought nothing of it. Then TODAY, he and I got on the subject of how he doesn't trust ANYONE being that there are certain walls he puts up to protect themselves, which can get quite annoying. And I asked if I have ever given him reason to not trust me being that he was really starting to get to me with this defensive thing, and it went on for a while...then he brought to my attention how I said that he sucked at kissing (in so many words). It was something stupid, but none the less, I said it... unprovoked and without intention of being constructive. I can't BELIEVE I let myself be so lame like that. I talk SO HARD about people like that and how they suck and then I go and do the same thing...I feel unfit to be a friend to anyone. I don't think negatively of people let alone act negatively towards people, there's no reason to. But point being, I said something that didn't need to be said, there was no fruit in doing so. And to think I had the gaul to boldly suggest I've NEVER done that.
I can't even function right now. I haven't felt this bad in a LONG time. But I really should. Even though I know the situation itself is pretty lame, its just the moral behind it...I stuped pretty low. I really care about him even after the recent events of my life (I think I blogged about how I realized I wasn't really bi afterall lol). I really care about him and it hurts me that I've done something so stupid like that to him. Then to top it all off, its made him a little more self conscious than he ALREADY is (which he certainly doesn't EVER need to feel anymore self-conscious). I hate blogging. I always feel like I'm rambling.
I feel like crap :(
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| Aaaaand end rant...like really...no seriously...ugh...w/ever |
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| 01:34am 28/01/2007 |
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Yea so I mean I am doing great and I mean FANTASTIC!! For the first time in a LONG time I'm smiling....but for no reason. I think for the FIRST TIME EVER I can finally honestly and TRULY say that I'm happy :) Now, in this happiness, I've become a lot more affectionate than usual. And well a few people have just been on my mind lately mostly because of this or that situation (mostly some issues that are.were bothering them at the time) so I felt the unction to tell them all that I love them all and I care about them.....with a nice lengthy text. Here's the thing:
Have you ever gone to make a point but turned that "point" into more of "line"....like WAAAAY overdid it? lol Yea There was this one and it was kinda strange when I re-read it after sending it:
Actually, it'll sound kinda weird but bare with me. You were on my mind all day yesterday and I just called to say, I love ya. In a completely platonic way of course. You mean a lot to me ya know? YOU THAT NUGUUUUH!! Don't forget it. I think of you often and hope things are okay. Keep a chin up eh? I hope this little outburst of Kevinishness didn't put you off or anything lol. Have a good day man.
That my friends si what is affectionately deemed, WORD VOMIT. Kudos to anybody who thinks a simple "Hey just been thinkin about you lately :) Much luv, Kev"
Word
<-Kev-Kev-> |
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| 11:04pm 28/12/2006 |
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So angry....why do people get under my skin so easily?
<-Kev-> |
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| Blog blah |
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| 10:11pm 26/12/2006 |
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1) Was 2006 a good year for you?
It was interesting to say the least...but at most, it wasn't anything to cream my jeans over
2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
When I finally decided to TOTALLY turn my life around. Its hard at the moment, but its really great :)
3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
The stomache ulcers
4) Where were you when 2006 began?
In Hendersonville NC with Lina and the fagbrigade
5) Who were you with?
Lina and the fag troup
6) Where will you be when 2006 ends?
In Columbia, SC hopefully standing next to the girl that's going to be my girlfriend ;)
7) Who will you be with when 2006 ends?
Refer to six
8.) Did you keep your 2006 resolution?
I did, then once I did a 180, then those kinda fell off somewhere
9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2007?
~Be rude
~Say no WAAAAy more often
~Stop apologizing
~Esteem myself
~Ask Ashley out after I tell her about my slightly checkered past
~Take risks
~Step on people's toes
~Start taking phenytoin to alleviate scatter brain
~Some other things I'm sure I'll think of as soon as I finish this
10) Did you fall in love in 2006?
I don't want to say, but I'm definately infatuated
11) If yes who?
The pastor's daughter
12) If yes, do they know?
I doubt it
14) You regret it?
nothing to regret yet
15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2006?
.....yea
16) Did you make any new friends in 2006?
I made one new friend and quite a few acquaintences
17) Who are your favorite new friends?
Tiffnay H and Ashley (pastor's daughter)
18) What was your favorite month of 2006?
April
19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2006?
I've never been outside the US
20) How many different states did you travel to in 2006?
Besides between NC and SC?
21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2006?
Thankfully no one died, but I did lose a few peole
22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
Yes
23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2006?
Can't think of anything outstanding
24) What was your favorite song from 2006?
Ten Dolla by M.I.A.
25) What was your favorite record from 2006?
Didn't have one
26) How many concerts did you see in 2006?
A whopping ZERO
27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2006?
Refer to 26
28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2006?
Oh god lol
29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2006?
Just pot
30) What kind?
Just pot
31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Haha almost. But nope, I have NO shame. I did go streaking through a grocery store parking lot.
33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2006?
None really too bad this year
34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2006?
Not that I'm aware of
35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2006?
Kinda
36) How much money did you spend in 2006?
A whole lot
37) What was your proudest moment of 2006?
Revamping the way I live
38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2006?
Forgetting my dad's birthday
39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2006 and change something, what would it be?
When I was doing the horrible naughty things I was doing, I could've done them a WHOLE hell of a lot better.
40) What are your plans for 2007?
To really break free of myself and become what most other people see in me |
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| Christmas |
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| 09:26pm 26/12/2006 |
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Update:
Kevin is pissed and sick and tired of people...just reiterating that afformentioned point and all. But yea my boss needs a foot in her mouth and she needs it now before I forget who I am and become a contributing party, and administer! But at any rate, I have to work everyday this week cause my boss is trying to be a vengeful little imp b**** but that's okay. And for some reason she seems to have an issue with giving me the Wednesdays and Sundays off that I requested...SINCE THE FRIGGIN DAY I SENT IN MY APPLICATION "oh that's fine Kevin" "Oh I respect your religious obligations Kevin!" "Oh okay Kevin! I'll remember to leave you off the schedule on Wednesdays and Sundays even though this is the tenth consecutive week you've had to remind me! I smoke crack!!! *(aaaaaaaaaaand *twitch*)". But whatever.
I'm still in the process of pursuing the pastor's daughter. She really is amazing. I do enjoy talking to her but I can't help but get the feeling that even though I'm attracted to her, and I'm sure she's attracted to me, that I'm going to find myself in the same position that I often find myself...I'm like a diamond, girl's best friend, but that's just it. I make it to the friend stage and usually end up a potential match for someone until they realize that I'm just too metro for them...so I get stuck in the friend limbo. Not to mention I haven't been aggressive enough to give girls the impression that they are being sought after. I just hope that that doesn't end up the case for her and myself, just a good friend.
*mmmmm* White Noise blows... No kudos for Michael Keaton
Oh yes. Christmas wasn't exactly as I had hoped it would be being that I'm all alone in this house and my family left for Alabama Christmas day. It was sad. I found out Saturday that they were just kinda leaving me Christmas day and then they had the gaul to make jokes about it. I JUST finished doing all my Christmas shopping that day too and I was MOST ecstatic about that. Needless to say I was pissed. But Christmas morning I figured that even though I'm abundantly annoyed, and devastated, there's still no point in returning all their presents. I meant for them to have them. I didn't work my little frame to the bone for nothing. But still christmas morning was still worth the time and effort and disappointment. I was still so happy that I could bless my family with gifts and such. I even got a good sob out of my dad. It took me by surprise. He opened up the last gift I bought him and then all of a sudden...! Of course as soon as dad started up I got choked up and in seconds we were all boo hooing like little sissys and no one knew why lol. It was just that dad was touched and so was mom and the sis. That was worth all the trouble in the world :)
Anyway, White Noise still blows so I'm changing the channel and finding something a little more entertaining than this hog wash...even if its mighty morphin power rangers.
Good night
<-Kev-Kev-> |
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| Alright then |
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| 02:52am 08/12/2006 |
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Well lets see:
1. I no longer associate with guys like I used to (i.e. the gayish thing lol). I will venture as far as to say that yes I still will find men attractive but not like that...that attraction has long since waned. I won't DARE trivialize my feelings and my attractions as a phase but just merely something that I needed to express and I have done just that. I realise now more that ever that I do want children and a wife...like really
2. I will no longer be a server at Longhorn...the stress is eating me alive almost literally I might add. The stress that I seem to neverendingly endure, due to living in a constant state of stress, is eating a hole into my stomache. So as often as possible, I should try to avoid stress...waiting tables is not the ticket. So I will be hosting after this week. I get paid to smile, and look sexy for a few hours...something I do everyday anyway;) haha
3. I'm really starting to turn around emotionally. I'm a lot more stable now and loving than at first. I think I'm finally starting to put down the physical barriers I'd put up my entire life. The ones that kept me at a distance from people physically. I never really learned affection, and touch. It just always felt dirty. In a very recent conversation with my mother I found that she felt the same most of her life, but for very different reasons. But I'm learning :) I touch people discreetly and allow the same as often as I think on it (as strange as it sounds).
4. HAH Math finals...would you believe that my math FINAL was the easiest exam I have taken the enTIRE semester!!!??...and the only one I A-ced I'm sure haha
5. I still loather people!
6. I'm going to be taking salsa lessons this January!! I will be hot as lava with some salsa pants on HECK YEA!!
7. I will be getting a computer very VERY soon and I'm very excited. I won't have to bargain or sneak on my mom's (like now) to use a computer as her fear of viruses is foolish and compulsive. But w/ever very soon!
<-Kev-> |
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| OMG!!!` |
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| 02:59am 02/08/2006 |
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It has indeed been forever and three years since the last time I posted anything here. But yea. Here's the scoop :)
Anyway, I've moved back to Columbia with the rents and its not all bad. They loosened up a lot. I guess I'll also be starting school a la Tech for this fall semester. I'll more than likely be majoring in Communications or foreign language studies just so that I can get a loan or a grant....w/ever lol. But it should prove to be interesting at least :) After that, I'm either going to try to get into Columbia International University or USC...not sure which yea but I'm thinking along the USC slot. The only problem with that is...someone I know very well once is going there (last I checked). I don't know how that's gonna pan but it should prove interesting...its been years.
Love life...of course non existent. Although looking back, I could've been quite the cassenova in my little group had I noticed that I could've lol. Honestly, there was one in particular that even though things were ALWAYS complicated between us, I could've had it in the sack ::wink wink:: not really (kinda.........yeeeea jeje). Anyway, I can't wait for school. I FINALLY get to get out of the house and meet people. at the moment there's really no avenue. I'm stuck in house and everyone else I "know" is busy or don't remember knowing me since its been a while and well I never really did make much use of getting to know them while I was still fresh in their minds. But yea I'm trying to talk to this girl at my church (she's really awesome)...but I'm shy as a nitt lol I don't know what to do! She's amazingly cute, intelligent, strong willed, bright, she has a beautiful soul, and well frankly she funny as the dickens and.....she's gonna be mine....somehow :p At any rate,
Hmm...my status sexually is undefined. I guess I'm not gay, definately not straight, but I'm not really bi either. Not that I've just shut it off, but its just kind of on a break I guess....sex and sexuality are overrated. I guess whoever I'm attracted to I'm attracted to. And I'll leave it at that.
Well that's really the long and short of what's goin on with me so yea. Hit me up sometime ya'll!!
Laterz
<-Kev-> |
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| Absolutely mortified |
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| 01:14pm 26/04/2006 |
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So in an attempt to keep my cool, I told Jordan how I felt...I wish I hadn't...but I'm at least a bit more sane now. I can't believe that I did that OMG! I'm mortified. I felt so selfish saying any of this to him:
First of all I want to say that I am so sorry.
Everything I am going to say right now will probably change a lot...I'm gonna freak you out a bit:
Remember those weird questions you'd ask me like "how do you feel about me?" or when I would fuck with your (as you called it)?
Well a lot of things have changed about you since I first met you and same goes for me.
I let my pitiful guard down for a sexond around you and now I find myself lying to you and myself.
Its been something I have put off and shrugged off and convinced away for SO long, but now its getting to me and shrugging it off isn't working anymore.
If you had any idea how I truly felt about you it might scare you...it freaks me out.
I tried HARD to cover it up with little comments that would come off as bitchy or that would say "I'd never go where we started off again", when I just wanted to tell you that I never stopped liking you and if I could do it all over again I totally would.
So now, even though I never had a cold chance in hell with you, I wish I tried.
I'm so sorry...
I was about in tears for so many reasons lol. I hate that I ever told him even...the same shit that I was afraid of happened anyway:
...And now that we are being honest, I kind of saw it and assumed. But no worries
He knew and still probably played around with me. KNOWING shit like that. I would never do anything like that to anyone I knew liked me when I totally don't like them in return...but then again he didn't do that (play around with my awkward ass emotions)...but it sure as hell felt like it when he sent me that little nugget of what the fuck.
I am absolutely heartbroken and I don't know what to do about it. The last person/s that I felt this way about were Shriley (WHO I WOULD'VE MARRIED ONE DAY GOD DAMMIT!!) and Luis. Only thing is with them...nah. I don't think I've let it go that far...I hope :(. I want to roll over and DIE!!!!notreally. I guess maybe I feel guilty about the fact that I'm SOooooooooooooooooooomewhat jealous of him...and of Mike...yea I was. So I tried every opportunity I could to try to turn that "UGH"ness into "friend"ness and help Jordan deal with the "shady" shit that was going on for like a minute and any other time something was up. Way to assurt effort eh? I feel like such a tardass lol. But god...ok aNOther rant:
A couple of weekends ago me, Lina and Jordan had a small little get together which involved REALLY cheap vodka and stuff. So like we were all drinking and blah blah. We were all trashed. Randomly, I'd just wip out my phone and video shit, take pictures of shit which all were awesome if I do say so myself ;) Some of those videos thought had pretty much me and Jordan in them. One of them he kept trying to tongue my face (grody) and I was like oooooooo this bitch is done! But then I was like *eh hah* makeout? and then I turned and opened my mouth and like he still didn't stop lol so I did lol...We didn't kiss though, came somewhat close but nah. Then there was another point where Lina just flopped down and passed out lol (I had just started to sober up and Jordan...just blacking out). Even though it meant ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, being that he was DRUNK as all get out, he passed out...in my crotch???!? *Sure* But yea so like a LOSER, I started playing with his hair blah blah....blah blah...and he kept burrying his face into my crotch....*mmm...*blah blah...then the arm whipped out and grabbed me so then after about ehh a REALLY long time, and the arm whipping out I was like OOOOOooooook time to go to bed, here's a pillow, I'll leave you on the floor, good night. So I went to bed. Next thing I know here he comes bouncing into my room right after me with the pillow and he just plops right down next to me, gets under my blanket, and starts cuddling the SHIT out of me...*OMGAYSWTF!!!*....Yipp just threw his happy ass right oooooon meeeee...then he put his arms around me......and then shit......I did it too...snuggled up like it was 20 degrees in the middle of July...that's REALLY where I fucked up. I totally let my guard down, and I got attached....THAT QUICK *OMGAISWTF!!*Well actually, it just kinda made all of whatever I had always felt and was unsure about boil over :(
I hate myself for letting that happen. I could have very easily gotten on the floor or left or something. Naturally he doesn't remember it so I was left, once again, to figure out what happened and why on my own. Why have I let myself do this?? Now I'm hopelessly out of it, and I can't act "weird" around him cause of course...that's always like the blade that hakcs the neck in a friendship and I can't TOTALLY not be weird cause that'll just be...weird...like I'm love-polar or something lol. I want to take it all back. And in a way I wish he felt the same way I did but I'm just as glad that he doesn't. He obviously loves Mike to death and I'm sure Mike loves him just as much and that's awesome. I hope Jordan doesn't FUCK THIS SHIT UP!!...and DOooooooooouble for Miiiiiiiiiiiike. All in all I think I could see what Jordan sees in him, even though I've only met him once and for roughly 15, 20 minutes. However I don't care to jot it down here, its really weird and complex and its only what I see but I think I get it...Mike's a sweet guy and I can totally tell :) (tears......) lol I so loose right now. However at the same time, there is something about him that rubs me the wrong way, like a dog that can sniff out the corruption in people. I don't know what it is but it bugs me. But either way even with that asid he's a really good guy with relatively good intentions. I really hope they work out :).............GOD DAMNIT I HATE BEING THE GOOD FRIEND!!!! :( :( :( :( But whatever. I've said, I can't take it back, I don't even want to see him until he forgets about this whole thing, I HATE that he "assumed" and that I'm "so easy to read" *eh hah*....*sure* lol (just irked) but he handled it really well and I'm SO glad.............................But what does it mean for the quality of this friendship?????????
<-Kev-> |
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| 04:01pm 22/04/2006 |
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Well wow haven't been here in a hot minute but ehh
So I'm dank and depressed-ish today. I don't know why (well that's a lie I TOTALLY know why) and even still I wouldn't admit to myself the reasons. Anyway, I need to stop stressing and worrying over people... TOTALLY not cool eh? Its NO LONGER (lol) in my character and I HATE doin it...but sometimes SOOOOOME people just know how to drag it out of me. So bleh bleh bleh and such.
I'm gonna try to go to Dragon Con. in September with Miles |
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| Well then |
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| 03:02am 19/04/2006 |
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Its been a rather interesting week so far:
My car is dead
I'm friends with someone I thought I should've just left alone
I like him but don't need to at all
I am getting a new job
blah blah
I currently have a headache from thinking about this liking but not needing to thing cause like yea...not cool but whatever. I'll get over it. I am glad that we're friends though I REALLY am. I don't want to compromise it at all with a silly crush you know? I have sooooooo much boiling up in my little heart right now lol. I also composed a techno song thing which is actually really cute. Andrea's house is an absolute NIGHTMARE!!! There's shit EVERYWHERE....literally. But yea now anyway, I just really need to take a vacation. Jordan's really cool and I feel like such a dork cause I have issues with truly and simply saying these things to people (in other words, I complicate the way I tell people these things in hopes of.....something lol and well in general I just........need to be more real).
More later
<-Kev-> |
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| 01:24pm 06/03/2006 |
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SO wow Saturday was of extreme interestingness ;) I had a date with this guy named John (yea another one lol). It was cool lol. So he got to my apartment at like 6'ish or so. So my room mate left her car for me to drive around while she was out of town and all. So long story short, I couldn't find the spare key for it....shit. That just meant I'd have to take my car which wasn't a bad thing...it was just old and had no CD player. But AAAAAaaaanyway, I was like:
"You know what...I'm goin to Wal-Mart right now and gettin one of those CD players with the little car kit thingies"
So we went and I bought one. Then the bitch doesn't work lol. The CD player itself worked fine its just the cassette player is out of whack. So that venture fucked up. Then disaster Number one struck. I had been having issues with my car battery that I THOUGHT I had fixed...but obviously not judging from the way my car *wwhheeeeooooooooooomm............* ed when I went to crank it. We were like oh shit. Then I got out and wiggled the poles on the battery around a bit and it worked like a charm :)....my precious pinto lol. So then we tried and tried to get the thing to work and then after like almost 30 minutes, we just gave up lol.
We then made our way over to this AWESOME ASS Asian buffet called Asiana. It was pretty sweet. Apparently everyone knew him there too and like they were all instigating cause I walked in there with him and it was just "us two" lol I also went out on a little limb and tried frog legs....which were SOOOOO good lol. They were itttttty bitty and woulda made a real hungry black person realy mad but they were good anyway. then afterwards, we were going to head to see a movie but that didn't work out...we were eating while it was going on.
So then we went out to Asheville and hit up Barnes and Noble for some Strawberry Creme's and mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!! So yea but the cute thing was, he asked me what I wanted and I was looking at it but then I was like nah......or hmm....then he was like "I'm gettin one of those strawberry creme's" and I was like "yea that's what I was looking at lol"...sweetness. Then we went over to the little CD part and listened to a little this and that then headed over to Bestbuy where we noodled around with the Xbox 360 "King Kong"...the graphics are AMAAAAaaazing. Anyway, after that we headed out to the car for the club....disaster number two....same shit lol. So I got out and wiggled the poles again and it once again worked. It was quite comical.
And of course, we did get lost going to the club...as usual. So we made our usual stops to ask for directions lol (Patton Ave. Days Inn, some other gas station on the same street, and another random one in Mountain Home lol...yea...we get LOST). So yea we finally get to downtown and we find the club but we're like early so we go venture downtown Asheville. John had to pee so we went inside this hotel which was kinda pretty :) Then once we noticed the persnicketty old "not a public restroom" sign we went around the hotel to see if we could find another one and we did! It was just that we had to go into this room where there was this Mardi Gras party going on lol. It was OUTRAGEOUS! There were people who looked to be about 25 and up ALLL SMASHED and dacing around to blue grass tunes and jazz. If you've ever seen those movies with the ballrooms full of awkwardly dancing older people...yes...it was JUST like that lol. We stayed there for about 20 minutes then we started back out towards the club. My car did it again lol. So I got out and wiggled the poles around YET AGAIN and it worked accept this time we had the heat on. We sat in the car and talked for a bit but it started to get REALLY hot so we just turned on the AC........and the bitch was STILL HOT. I look at my engine temp meter thing....and it was slowly but steadily rising past halfway....I freaked out lol. So I turned it off and then I went into the restaurant we parked nextg to and knocked and as for a thing with water in it. So the guy returned with a pitcher of water. I poured it into the radiator and VOILA! It worked...I'm SUCH an efficient auto mechanic lol.
On the way, like crossing the street we SO nearly got hit by this car that was just a-dashin down the damn street and then they had the fuckin auDACITY to HONK while DOIN IT!! So when we gave them the "what the fuck" look, we noticed it was our friends Carlos, Vannak, Jeremy, and Vannak's little "love" interest named James (who was made out to be this really sexy Abercrombie and Fitch model lookin guy who in person actually looked like Quazi Motto after he had been on The Swan...so yea). Then we ran into some of John's friends on the way into the club and then there was this guy that I saw at TCBY who is...."kinda special lookin"...he was like all HEY YOU!!! and I was like....*sq-wint*.....OH yea...hey...Anyway we got inside and we met up with Jeremy, Carlos, Vannak, and James. And of course as usual, first thing Carlos says is "Hey Giiiiiiirl *haha* you wanna dance?" and I was like d-err and then I unctioned John to join and he did *yay* Then I found out, while dancing, that his license had been suspended and he was taken to jail for like two hours haha...wowness. It seems like a trend though, this suspended license thing. Lina's got suspended, mine MIGHT be, and Carlos's was lol. So shit! But yea we danced and danced until we saw MELISSA AND JOHN'S FRIEND!!! WHOOT! We were kinda worried that Melissa wouldn't be able to come seeing as how she was supposed to come. OH YEA! Even though John and I were on a date, there was already like...A POSSY of our friends coming which included FIRST AND FOREMOST Melissa (it was her birthday celebration thing), Robin, Michael Anglin, Vannak, James, Carlos, Jeremy, Me, John, and "Megan?" (John's friend that came with Melissa). But yea after they showed up, we were freakin excited as shit!! Like Melissa was OUTRAGEOUSLY excited too lol. I think she had a liiiiiiittle to drink before hand though haha but that's cool. Then the drag show started which was awesome. After the show though, they called for anyone's first time there and Melissa of course anxiously got up on the stage. The thing was though everyone up there had to either show their butt or their chest...Melissa had the balls and showed them titties...twice...DAZZ MA NUKKA! lol So yea we ventured back upstairs and continued to have a blast. WE HAD SOOOO MUCH FUN!!!! OMG And Melissa had a good time LITERALLY from the second she walked in to the second she left which was awesome. Then me and John and a few others stayed and we all got up onstage and danced like were gettin paid and it was outrageous lol. So on so forth, there were these two Mexicans who we ended up dancing with and well one of them was a bit forward...he kissed John....and he didn't exactly pull away. He didn't get into it...BUT HE DIDN'T PULL AWAY!! FUCK ME SIR!! AND THIS HAPPENED A FEW TIMES!!!! So after that I "went to the bathroom" just to figure out what I was going to do about that. It was an awkward situation cause like I could tell John wasn't really wanting to kiss him even though he did it anyway,....ugh. So I was a bit distant for a while. He tried to keep pulling me near him in the little Mutt, Mexican, Itali-asin sandwhich we had going on and then tried to kiss me but I was just like...*peck*. Then I ended up dancing with this other guy who was a FANTABULOUS dancer lol and kinda cute too lol. We danced for like the last 30 minutes the club was open. Then when the lights came on, I was like HI! I'm Kevin and he was like OH ME TOO! lol it was funny.
Anyway, we left the club...stumbling lol. We'd been there and dancing for 5 and half hours. Then John was complaining about his little toe, whiched had been stpped on a lot (he whore flip flops, shorts, and a short sleeve shirt...and it was only like 30 ish outside...good job). He asked what was wrong (I made no jestures that 'something was wrong' except that I was a little bit less excited at the time). Then he was like, you hate me don't you...I said I didn't because it would take a WHOLE lot more than just him going to a club and a guy making out with him a few times and he not pull away and continue to dance with them anyway. He did the whole I know I screwed up deal and I was like...yea you did. I told him that I could care less what he did I mean we weren't dating. He can grope, molest, dance with, and fondle WHOEVER he wants to. I'm just not the jealous type. But when it comes down to the kissing, whether he started it or not...I don't play them shitz. Only thing I was upset about was that HE DIDN'T like really pull away. But it was indeed an awkward situation, we WEREN'T dating at the time, and well the other guy started it. So forgiveness was simple and quick; once I MADE SURE HE KNEW next time that if that shit happens just don't be afraid to snatch away or something. Anyway, we headed out and on the way (long story short) he said he'd really like to date me. And then I asked him out (as I had planned to when we got back to my apartment and I had the bathroom lit up with a few candles and a hot bubbly vanilla bath with a bit of warm vanilla oil burning one a soap stone and eucalyptus and chamomile bath oil for our aching joints *wink wink* lol)...but we never got that far....*foooornication lol* But yea. That night was the MOST FUN I think I have EVER had. It was quite memorable...and interesting....to say the least.
( That's all folks :)Collapse ) |
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| 08:46pm 04/02/2006 |
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So you know what? Even though my friend Lina ([Bad username: linabee>) has a weird and COMPLETELY unprompted way of doing it, she reminded me of something that I didn't do with Jordan. Even though he was as shady as a inner city swim hole, I still never gave him the benefit of a doubt...I didn't give him or me the opportunity to prove himself otherwise of all the shit that was going around about him whether it was true or not :( I think that's in essence why he's so upset (or was or whatever)....hmm but oh well. We're ] |
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| Well I guess "shallow bastards" do have consciences |
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| 01:19am 04/02/2006 |
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WOW well yea I sent a little note to Jordan and I was like basically "even though you 'hate me', I hope that w/ever issues we 'have' can be overlooked." And he wrote in response (but first here's what I wrote in detail):
"Ok so even though I didn't quite get it out at Jack in the Box, (and because I don't like to be kept in suspense) I take it that we are totally through, you want nothing to do with me (judging from where I stand with you), no "something" between us, not friendship, or even acquaintenship I should leave you alone and forget that you exist, and we should go our seperate ways yea? It seems (there I go again with that shit....yes...however I got this directly from you) that you have made it abundantly.....ABUNDANTLY clear that you hate me for doubting your sincerity and your honesty. I can understand that I suppose. But if that's the case then I'm sorry that you feel that way and maybe sorry that I doubted you in the first place but none the less. I wish you the best and I hope whoever you happen to stumble upon or happens to stumble upon you makes you happy and has NO REASON to doubt you.
Best wishes (like really :)
<-Kev->"
PS...pissed it SO not your color
(Jordan):
" Okay, well, I just need some time for me to just take in everything that has been said and everything. As far as a relationship goes, I don't think that its going to happen. A relationship requires trust, and frankly, I don't think that you trust me (I still don't know why, but whatever). Friends, sure, but I have to say, don't be mad at me if I distance myself from you and all of the others that are "friends" but that's just what I have to do. But let me get one thing straight, I NEVER once said that I hated you, I said that I hated the fact that you would even think the things that you did. But that's your issue. I hope that things work out for you.
Jordan
What do you mean it's not my color?? Yeah, slow... please elaborate."
.............Hmm......I know what I saw in him and I still see it :).....but then again..........ehh I'll just leave that alone. He's a good guy but does indeed have too many issues....or should I say makes too many issues out of no issue? Either I think that maybe even though now he says (and I agree) that its not gonna work and we shouldn't be anything but friends...........I'll wait (not cause I'm desperately waiting for him to "bless me" with his forgiveness and company)....he'll come back crawling...just like he did from day one ;)
<-Kev-> |
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| Well well well... |
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| 07:32pm 01/02/2006 |
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So once again I think I have "ruined" any chance with another someone because I demand "too much" honesty and conviniently enough I didn't "hear the right answer" when saying what I wanted to do about "us" so I started blaming him for all this shit and making him feel like a child and calling him a liar and not trusting........I'm sorry it seems that way. I'm sorry I ever even doubted you in the first place but you know shit happens and like adults HOPEFULLY we can get over that. But oh well....
Later
<-Kev-> |
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| Retrospect: (part two of....Chrsit on Beta blockers) |
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| 12:26am 30/01/2006 |
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Ok..........now that I've had a bit of time to recover what shattered pieces of my dignity and mental well being that remain lol, I think.............I know that I have no idea what I want....and I'm bout damned sure nobody does in this whole perdicament. So I've given it though and have come to these conclusions:
1) Procrastination will result in a passive and dwindling type of relationship (the general form of the word). If we're all waiting and waiting....and not doing anything, initiating anything, or talking about anything, then w/ever "opportunities" that were there will probably waste away and then eventually......w/ever started these interests in the first place, you know the shit that held the conversations, hangouts, etc... together might just jump ship right along with it.
2) Acting affirmatively and ascertively (or too quickly as I have discovered) will result in a mess of pressure and.........poo....
So, I think for now (and honestly maybe indefinately) the best thing would be to just let it go......and see what happens from there. Ehh who knows, Some of the most outrageous fires start from nothin more than smoldering ash.
<-Kev-> |
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