seeking something to ease the pain
I'm a twenty-yr-old female and a junior in college. Last year I met a guy who became the best friend I think I've ever had. We always make each other laugh and we can talk to each other about anything. I've told him things and admitted things to him that I had trouble admitting to myself. He in turn opened up to me. We weren't inseparable or anything, though I suppose in some sense we were, but he understood me and never judged me and I tried to do the same for him.
After a few months, we ended up making out one night when we were alone in his room. His roommate was spending the night in his girlfriend's room and I took his roommate's bed. This went on for a few weeks where whenever he had the room to himself, we'd end up together. Then we started having sex with each other.
At the time, this wasn't a problem. I was coming out of a seriously bad breakup with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. I didn't want a relationship, but I missed the physical intimacy. Finally, I did start to wonder what would happen if we dated, but my friend told me he wasn't sure. Summer came and we stopped.
We talked a lot over the summer. My friend was in love with another woman from our college, who'd rejected him repeatedly in the past and did so again over the summer. I felt jealous, not just of their friendship and the fact that he kept it up even though she treated him badly, but of the fact that he wanted her and not me. The fact that we lived in different states made it easier to deal with it.
When we came back this year, I thought things would go back to normal. Even though I had been harboring a crush, it was a little one and it was understandable. But when we finally were alone together, it went wrong.
He asked me out to dinner. He told me he was crazy about me, that he thought about me a lot, that he had missed me terribly over the summer. He really wanted to try dating. This naturally came as a blow, because I expected no returned feeling to my attraction and now I had an opportunity that could potentially ruin the friendship.
Needless to say, I accepted. I knew at the time that he had stopped seeing his other friend because he couldn't deal with his feelings for her, but I wanted to give it a shot. We had dinner and it was wonderful. We started seeing each other randomly for a few weeks. We always had a good time and I was very happy.
You can tell where this is going. My feelings became stronger and his faded. After about 5 weeks, he told me that he was sorry, he'd tried, but he couldn't feel that way about me. I was always going to be his friend, but never his girlfriend.
But now the friendship is totally altered. I can't go back to the way I used to feel about him. I suppose if the dates had gone badly, if we didn't have such a good time together, if there was something wrong with me, I'd have an easier time accepting it, but no. He said it was nothing I had done. He found me physically attractive, but romantically, he couldn't find the interest. Because we'd met each other and gotten to know each other as friends, he said couldn't switch his mindset, even though he had honestly tried. And I believe him completely, it just doesn't change the fact that I am very, very hurt. I can't imagine being able to deal with it when he begins dating someone else.
I realize I made a mistake getting physically involved with him at all. I know that, but I can't change it. I am where I am now. I'm fairly heartbroken and utterly lost as to what I can do to salvage our friendship. I refuse to just give up and stop being friends with him because he means too much to me. Also, I'm trying my damnedest but I can't stop HOPING. I feel rejected, but somewhere deep down I feel that little voice saying, "You never know what could happen. Give in but don't give up." But I do know. He told me he could NEVER feel that way. He tried, but he couldn't. And letting that voice tell me otherwise will just make it hurt more when he meets someone new, when he falls in love, and if we remain as close as we are now, when he gets married.
If you have advice, if you've been in a similar situation, if you've even read this far, I'd be happy to hear from you. He's my best friend and I love him dearly, I don't want to have to stop being with him because of this.
After a few months, we ended up making out one night when we were alone in his room. His roommate was spending the night in his girlfriend's room and I took his roommate's bed. This went on for a few weeks where whenever he had the room to himself, we'd end up together. Then we started having sex with each other.
At the time, this wasn't a problem. I was coming out of a seriously bad breakup with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. I didn't want a relationship, but I missed the physical intimacy. Finally, I did start to wonder what would happen if we dated, but my friend told me he wasn't sure. Summer came and we stopped.
We talked a lot over the summer. My friend was in love with another woman from our college, who'd rejected him repeatedly in the past and did so again over the summer. I felt jealous, not just of their friendship and the fact that he kept it up even though she treated him badly, but of the fact that he wanted her and not me. The fact that we lived in different states made it easier to deal with it.
When we came back this year, I thought things would go back to normal. Even though I had been harboring a crush, it was a little one and it was understandable. But when we finally were alone together, it went wrong.
He asked me out to dinner. He told me he was crazy about me, that he thought about me a lot, that he had missed me terribly over the summer. He really wanted to try dating. This naturally came as a blow, because I expected no returned feeling to my attraction and now I had an opportunity that could potentially ruin the friendship.
Needless to say, I accepted. I knew at the time that he had stopped seeing his other friend because he couldn't deal with his feelings for her, but I wanted to give it a shot. We had dinner and it was wonderful. We started seeing each other randomly for a few weeks. We always had a good time and I was very happy.
You can tell where this is going. My feelings became stronger and his faded. After about 5 weeks, he told me that he was sorry, he'd tried, but he couldn't feel that way about me. I was always going to be his friend, but never his girlfriend.
But now the friendship is totally altered. I can't go back to the way I used to feel about him. I suppose if the dates had gone badly, if we didn't have such a good time together, if there was something wrong with me, I'd have an easier time accepting it, but no. He said it was nothing I had done. He found me physically attractive, but romantically, he couldn't find the interest. Because we'd met each other and gotten to know each other as friends, he said couldn't switch his mindset, even though he had honestly tried. And I believe him completely, it just doesn't change the fact that I am very, very hurt. I can't imagine being able to deal with it when he begins dating someone else.
I realize I made a mistake getting physically involved with him at all. I know that, but I can't change it. I am where I am now. I'm fairly heartbroken and utterly lost as to what I can do to salvage our friendship. I refuse to just give up and stop being friends with him because he means too much to me. Also, I'm trying my damnedest but I can't stop HOPING. I feel rejected, but somewhere deep down I feel that little voice saying, "You never know what could happen. Give in but don't give up." But I do know. He told me he could NEVER feel that way. He tried, but he couldn't. And letting that voice tell me otherwise will just make it hurt more when he meets someone new, when he falls in love, and if we remain as close as we are now, when he gets married.
If you have advice, if you've been in a similar situation, if you've even read this far, I'd be happy to hear from you. He's my best friend and I love him dearly, I don't want to have to stop being with him because of this.
