Testing, can you see this?

18.05.22

FROM AGENT SOLITAIRE TO MANSFIELD UNDERGROUND

I HAVE EXTRA PANTS AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

NOT MY MUM DID LAUNDRY but she did do laundry only because I'm not supposed to touch anything with a plug larger than my foot, AGENTS LARGO AND FATTY ACID. HA HA. NO! IT MEANS WHAT FRIDAY MORNING IRRIGATION LECTURE? I DON'T RECALL HAVING A LECTURE. WHY THEN YES WE CAN GO OUT TONIGHT FOR TANDEM MEEMAW SPRINTALONGS AND CLIMBING TREES TALLER THAN THREE FEET.

WINNER WINS ALL PANTS INCLUDING MY COVETED DARTH MAUL PANTS AND A PUNCH PASS.

CARL YOU CAN ONLY COME IF YOU HAVE AWESOME PANTS TO LOSE AND CAN CARRY A 12 STONE ELDERLY WOMAN.

WHO'S IN???

FROM AGENT THUNDERBALL TO MANSFIELD UNDERGROUND

I'M UH NOT, that's NOT GAY! You lot are, er, breaking all um sorts of vows. HOW COULD YOU EVEN...?????

I'm not. Uh, and Jack's a douche.

AGENT SOLITAIRE TO MANSFIELD UNDERGROUND

HI.



SO I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT DRIP IRRIGATION SYSTEMS AND IT MADE ME WONDER WHAT'S THE RULE ABOUT DEATH AND MAGIC AGAIN?





I have no other ulterior reasons for asking. STOP LOOKING AT ME.

AGENT THUNDERBALL TO MANSFIELD UNDERGROUND

First, uh, mates. Why's uh everybody fighting? For real, uh I mean? Jacky, come on. And uh Wright. Your uh sisters are ok, aye?


We uh, got loads to uh do if we want that, um, pixie dust.



ALSO, ALORA GOYLE????? Wha-? Really?

Your majesty, the Pixie King, King of Pixies, demands to have Arthur Alastor Billiam Weasley, son of George Weasley, officialised into this humanling group by tomorrow.

Tomorrow, yes yes yes.

FROM AGENT DR SOLITAIRE TO MANSFIELD UNDERGROUND

FELLOW AGENTS TODAY MARKS A DAY THAT IS IMPORTANT IN ANY YOUNG BONDIAN SPY MAN'S LIFE. NO, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE DAY HE RECEIVES HIS MECHANICAL ARM AFTER HAVING IT BEING EATEN BY WILD MONGEESE. I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE DAY HE GETS TO USE HIS FIRST JETPACK TO ESCAPE EVIL ALBANIAN CLUTCHES. IT ALSO IS NOT THE DAY HE EARNS HIS FIRST BOND OPENING SEQUENCE AND THEME SONG.

TODAY IS AGENT EMILIO LARGO'S BIRTHDAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. NAKED BROOM RACES AND PRETZELS WITH JAM AND CHEESE!

FROM AGENT THRUST FROST TO MANSFIELD UNDERGROUND

The Willoughby Experience, a spy report

Me fellow spies,

It is with great honour that I come before ye on this fine morning to share the story of Agent Medusa X and my humble ole adventure in the land of cleavage cracks. I shall attempt briefness, for no epic tale canth do justice to such excitement.

Yesterday, Agent X and myself knocked on Lady Wendelyn Willoughby's door. She slammed the door in our faces.

Agent X then used his super Metamorph powers to morph into - wait for it - Wendelyn's former Slytherin housemate, St John Rochester. (whyever did I not receive Polyjuice, I ask? Ahoy, although wait, 'tis a marvellous thing that I didn't because---)

I sneaked around her backyard while Teddy was inside and found - wait for it once more, once again - PARROTS. She has several birds in her backyard - the Willoughby Warblers, aye, I presume - and the Parrot Cage had an abundance of eggs. Albeit most unfortunately Toots returned then and took the eggs away from me.

But then! One cracked in his hands, mateys.

The cracked egg had a message.

With a clue.

The clue said:

"Ask about Flora and Fauna." Simply that, buckos, simply that. "Ask about Flora and Fauna."

I shall allow ye to ask Teddy what Miss Wendelyn said in response to that question when he returned to ask it, because it be too good to be told by third parties.

ALSO VERY MUCH IMPORTANT to ask Toots about how he had the opportunity to touch Wendelyn's mounds. HOW HE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET JIGGY WITH IT AND HE FLED INSTEAD. Do go ahead. Ask. I mean it. HE FLED.

PRITHEE ASK FOR I DO NOT COMPREHEND.

FROM AGENT X TO MANSFIELD UNDERGROUND

All right, mates. We have a problem.

Al should be a full-fledged member of the MU by now. We've let him down. This is something that needs some serious rectifying.

We need an initiation ritual, right? Something that proves his loyalty, trustworthiness, and resourcefulness. His sense of humour and adventure. That's five intiation tasks right there. There's six of us. So why don't we each come up with a task tailored to one of those traits?

E, you could take humour. Omega, trustworthiness? And Frost, loyalty's your bitch. No one could out-loyal you. Thunderball, you could do resourcefulness. And Doc, adventure has your name written all over it. Or I don't care as long as we decide on something.

As for me, I guess I can sit this round out since I'm standing up for his initiation and everything.

Well? Reckon this could work?

FROM AGENT EMILIO JAVIER TO MANSFIELD UNDERGROUND


My dad is an Auror for the Ministry, did you know that? And he has access to lots of information. But he's sick, with Viral Magic?

As the good son, I ran an errand for him and walked away with the address for:


(wait for it)

WENDELYN WILLOUGHBY.


Don't piss yourself, Doc? We're going to make a house call.

What's the plan, fellas?
Agent Thunderpants (that's you, Ced?), work on your sticking charms to keep Doc quiet.

Agent Toots, work on your charm. There are Willoughbys for you to talk to.

Agent Thrust Frost, I like your name. Think of something to do?

Agent Omega, do some research on the Willoughbys.

FROM AGENT THRUST FROST TO MANSFIELD UNDERGROUND

Ahoy.

To spy or not to spy. That be the question. For Carl.

Art thou in, bucaneer, or art thou out? Art thou willing to face the dangers at sea, at land, and on air, with courage and seriousness and respect to the great shiny art of mansfield undergrounding?

Or art thou going to hang about making faces of contempt and disregard, making fun and mocking - MOCKING, I say! - our institution?

Thou cans't stick around halfway, sprog. Body and soul. In or out. Or inside-out. Me can arrange inside-out.


I suggest thy first task for the initiation ritual be to change that tottering rampallian handwriting.


In others news, what about that pixie dust, eh?

FROM AGENT DR SOLITAIRE TO MANSFIELD UNDERGROUND


LOOK LOOK SPY LANGUAGE. WE ARE OFFICIAL. WE'RE LIKE A SPECIAL TASK FORCE FOR THE MI6.

HOW AWESOME ARE THESE? SO AWESOME THEY BLEW THE E OFF OF AWESOME SO NOW IT IS SPELT AWESOM. No, it's still spelt awesome BUT IT SHOULD BE AWESOM. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE.

THE NAME IS SOLITAIRE. DR SOLITAIRE.

I PICKED OUT NAMES FOR EVERYBODY. BE PREPARED TO BE BLOWN AWAY BY MORE AWESOMNESS. No, really.

CEDSO YOU ARE LANCE MOONSTONE, INTERGALACTIC MAN OF SHINY SPACESUITS.
D-BOMB YOU ARE PAPA SHRIEK, INTERNATIONAL MAN OF FLYING ACROBATS.
E-MAN YOU ARE DOMINO HARLEY, INTERCONTINENTAL MAN OF ANDROGYNY.
WRIGHTEOUS YOU ARE THRUST FROST, WORLD RENOWN CRADLE ROBBER.
TEDSTER YOU ARE MEDUSA X, UNIVERSAL QUESTION MARK.

AL, YOU ARE CARL.

OBJECTIONS? TOO BAD. YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED.

Happy new year, everyone.

May next year bring you all healing spells and integrity.



Thursday, December 31, 2021

Hey, Cec. How're you feeling? Any better? I have so much I need to tell you Fuck. Are you feeling any better because....

I want you to be better. Full stop. But I also want a bit of a chat. I think maybe that other Izzy...never mind.

Tell me you're feeling better, so.

So Mums just right now reminded me therell be a PARTY for Artie tomorrow cos itll be his b-day!! PARTY

Also you gotta wish him a great b-day cos even though he LEFT and abandoned me (come back Teddity and Artie ffs), hes still a better bro than any other bro you guys might have so there.

There was a LIST! Where's the list? Oi here. Here found it!

Ana and Aurie and Ethan and Ashley and Zippers
And Nick and Rosie
And Andy and Devvie and Natie and Brianna
And TEDDITY AND ME!
And Pip and Kendrie and Leila
And Katie
And Juliette and Gabe (do we HAVE to invite them Mum?!)

And then on the non-Weasley front there's Morgie! Aaaaand that's the end cos Morgie is all Artie cares about.

KIDDING! Haha! Kidding kidding Artie. There's also Quiggie and Henry and the Iantosaurus and Glee but Glee has no Firelog!

Soooo youre all invited!! Oh wait oh no youre not. You can only come to the party if you wish him a happyhappiest b-day and GIFTIES. He pretends he doesnt luff gifties but everyone luffs gifties.

(Fil? Youre not feeling well but you can come if you want to too. And... well, Bri? Frankity? Auds? If you're not doing anything...!)


Wait. was it supposed to be a surprise party? I dont remember now.


Friday, December 31st, 2021.

... Seer?



Friday, December 31st, 2021.

No, seriously.

Cheers a-fucking-lot for looking after Ethan last night at the pub, I. Cheers again for taking him to see a Healer this morning to have the improvements made to his bollocking face undone. Oh wait. That's right. It was my ass that did that.

So I know what Princess Tit looks like. I'm curious as hell to see how you fared. You at least owe me that. And lunch. I'm fucking starving.





Thursday, 30 December 2021.

Um.

Was there a full moon last night? Something really - well, fucked up happened with Emma. Remember Emma? She dumped me? And thought I was gay?

She decided to test her theory? (And I'm not gay LIKE I SAID.) She got proof. And I'm not sure how that happened, but that's pretty fucked up? Isn't it? That's not how I thought my first time would be.

I feel used?


Wednesday, December 29, 2021

I have a medical query, that I wonder if one of you two fine gentlemen, may be able to assist me with. I'm not quite sure, it's serious enough to take to St Mungo's.

Bobby and Lucky are both affected by viral magic, but this is not exactly like that. Lately I can feel a lump, not painful but engorged, in my neck. Is this something to be concerned about?

Kaleb, how are your sisters? Is Aisha acclimating to life beyond Hogwarts? It feels like an ice age ago to me, as if separated by a mist. How is Parvati Maasi?

Brennan, how is Adam?

Tuesday, December 28, 2021

Hi.

Look, I know you're not happy with me. You know I'm not happy with you. But...

Can you come over? I have something that I want to give you.

I'm staying with Ai.


Tuesday, 28 December, 2021.

It is a load of crap, the bit about the Firelogs being toxic. I can only hope you are all aware of that. Back me up, Teddy. Dad is being dragged into the Ministry to face some kind of Board of Health, I can only assume that Uncle George will be facing the same group.

The question that begs to be answered is thus: how will they prove that Firelogs are dangerous? I don't buy it for a second.

Are any of us sick? If they were poisonous in some way, surely the family of Fred and George would be first to get sick. Dad works on these things in our home, after all.

What a load of bollocks.




Monday, December 27, 2021

The Ministry has tried to warn society about the harm this little Weasley device is doing to us, hasn't it? Did anyone listen? Of course not. I hope you Firelog-lovers are proud of yourselves.

Paul Parkinson and Connor Malfoy are bed-ridden as we speak. I also hear that the Headmistress' daughter is joining her brother in hospital, and that Adam Goldstein and Gideon Thorne are not feeling well, isn't that right?

I do believe that Purebloods are not the only ones in danger, however. Who else is sick?


Monday, 27 December, 2021.

Youre still feeling like hell and a half? Cos I wouldnt mind a Gobstones match, if youre stuck at home.


Monday, 27 December, 2021.

What the hell did you mean when you told me my surname would not be Turpin????


Sunday, December 26, 2021

Hey.

How's Christmas going for you? If you need an escape from family, let me know. I don't think there's any Weasleys coming round here.


Saturday, December 25, 2021