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depressed

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A little over a year ago, I took a little cat named Galaxy Cry to the vet. She'd been left at our house and was clearly ailing, and it turned out she had a piece of cheat grass caught in her throat. She got better rapidly after that. She was a sweet, if shy, little brown tiger cat. So when we moved to the townhouse we're currently in, Galaxy - whom I called Babby Cry, or Babby - went to live with my brother.

He had to put her to sleep today.

She was only four years old.

Babs (Todd's name for her, other than "LBK," or Little Brown Kitty) was very close to my brother. She clearly selected him as her person, from the moment she went to live with him. She slept on his chest, followed him everywhere, ate from his hand, and would lick or pat his chin to wake him up for pets. She really loved Todd and he really loved her. When it seemed like she was losing weight, he immediately took her to the vet and had some of her teeth pulled. That seemed to help her; she started eating again. She gained back some weight and was apparently improving.

Then she began losing weight again, so rapidly that my brother got scared and returned to the vet. They found a huge tumor in Babby's stomach. She was 3.7 pounds and unable to stand; my brother was feeding her baby food in a syringe to try to get sustenance in her.

With her being so sick, there was nothing they could do. Todd made the same call I had to make on July 21 - to say goodbye to a dearly beloved friend. I had to say goodbye to Orange too soon and I know it tore him up to do the same for Babby. But I know in my heart that Orange was and is my baby. He had a good life with me; he was happy with me. And Babby was happy with Todd, her person, even if she didn't have long with him.

I'm torn up not just by feelings of guilt and depression for Babby, for my brother's loss, and the loss of a young cat that I also loved and cared for, but also by memories of Orange... How powerless I felt, losing him, but also knowing I would have given him IV medicine every day for ten more years if I thought it could save him. I miss my cat every day. It's why I have him tattoed on my shoulder. But it doesn't dull the pain, and it doesn't dull the memories, either. You just have to keep going. So I hope Todd can find the equilibrium - the fine line between heartache and happiness at the good memories - that I found with Orange.

In the meantime, another sweet and wonderful cat has gone to heaven.

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artistic

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For the last week, Mandy wrote, recorded, and edited her final audio project, while I proofread, voice acted, and was "production assistant" (i.e., coffee fetcher and official opinion offerer).

This is the final edit.

She wrote and produced it as the first episode for a Sherlock Holmes radio drama that re-imagines Holmes and Watson as American; Mandy is a female Holmes, renamed Sheree, and Tyler is Josh Watson. I got to be both Mrs. Hudson, the sugary-sweet and nosy housekeeper, and the villain, sharpshooter Sebastia Moran. Who happens to be insane. And for whom I drew inspiration from such crazy females as Harley Quinn from Batman and Tira from Soul Calibur. That's why she's so simultaneously high-pitched and homicidal.

I miss acting when it isn't time to rehearse and record our performance for cosplay, so I always jump at the chance to voice act in Mandy's projects. I've been really excited to hear the end product for this one and now I'm excited to share it. ♥

Everyone who acted in it is aware that it's a little bit of a cheese platter, but we liked it that way. I hope Mandy creates a blooper track or two that shows just how much fun this little Cheez Whiz experience was for all of us.

Anyway, I hope you guys get the chance to listen to this. Think of it as an homage to the new BBC Sherlock, which Mandy and I both heart.

Meanwhile, Ty is in California for work, so I get to listen to my music and videos loudly and spread out all over the bed with Orange and Leonard. XD

"Acting is the least mysterious of all crafts. Whenever we want something from somebody or when we want to hide something or pretend, we're acting. Most people do it all day long."

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motivated

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"You've gotta earn your love down in this part of town."

Okay, seriously, all Gaga moments aside. This post is more for my records and your elucidation than for anything interesting. I s'pose if you like hearing about weird cosplay plans, you'll like it.

1. Haseo Shoulder "Möbius Strip" Armor
• Carve an Oodle of Fun Pool Noodle into square shape. Preferably, a solid noodle rather than a hollow one, but I'm flexible. May need to wire the center of the noodle to maintain its shape, but I doubt it.
• Can sew a "stocking" for the noodle or coat with papier-maché/Mod Podge/sealant and then paint. Seal again.
• Carve the seven offshoots from the top out of craft or EVA foam; insert into divots in the Möbius strip and glue.

2. Haseo Guns & Gauntlets
• EVA foam and craft foam. Considering getting a cheapass dremel tool for easy sanding and beveling purposes, but not necessary; can carve using a heat knife and sand by hand. Should get the damn heat knife already (I broke one of Holly's once while working on the core of my Setsuka wakizashi).
• Coat/papier-maché and paint with acrylics and/or spraypaint. Seal again.
• Figure out a way to cast clear resin for the blades on the guns, or cut plexiglass (oh Hyne help me if I choose that).
• Buy LEDs/floral lighting/EL light tape. Hate life just a little bit more. Insert in gun blades. Attach blades to guns.
• Nerf guns for core shape of revolvers. Augment with EVA and craft foam as needed. Would like them to still "fire" in the sense that the barrel rotates when I pull the trigger.

3. Haseo Boots
• Pretty much. May be able to find others on sale at Payless or Fredland but yeah, these have the qualities I want.

As for second cosplays, shit keeps changing but I think Mandy, Eric, and I - maybe with help from Tony and Holly, maybe help from Ty too - will do something "Wreck-It Ralph" related, like the racers from Sugar Rush. They're cute, glittery, and will be fun to do for something to help take our minds off the stress of our main costumes.

There's so much I want to do and I don't get paid until Friday, so I can't do much more than what I've already done, which is all sewing. I have all these kickass ideas for my Haseo armor and I can't lift a finger until Friday or Saturday.

Schwa.

"There's a part of me making, creating the perceptions which in everyday life would be bizarre; there's another part of me which is a kind of observer. About half of the pleasure comes from the observer-part appreciating the work of the creator-part."

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excited

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Random good news! I got a brand spankin' new job!

I start in two weeks at Money Tree as a teller, making $4 more an hour than I am now, plus benefits after the first ninety days - including vacation time, insurance, all the good things. I'm not sure if it's forty hours a week yet or if it's more like thirty-two, but either way I'm better off and either way, I'm ready to move on from being a barista.

As my dad put it, coffee did for me everything it could: I got through college and made a lot of great relationships. I got to work with my best friend, l_a_n_g_e_r. I made new friends. But I need to pay off my car and my student loans; I need to pay for cosplay. Someday, I would like to save up to go to Japan with my dad and stepmom and further down the road, I would like to buy a house. Can't do that making eight bucks an hour, ya know?

So I'm ready to do this thing. I'm ready for a new job. It's time to grow up just a little bit.

I feel a little mercenary leaving a job that I enjoy doing just for the money, but I've hit the ceiling at my current job and will likely not get another raise for at least a year, if not more. It's not worth the wait for me. In the words of the old Cyndi Lauper song, "Money changes everything." Still, I'm a little nervous about giving my two weeks' notice tomorrow. I really, legitimately love my boss and my coworkers and I will be sad to leave them. Especially since my manager is going on vacation in a week and will be scrambling to replace me; I know I'm leaving them in a tough position. Writing my two weeks' letter and talking to my box tomorrow is going to be hard but it's time. Opportunity knocks but it doesn't beg.

Regardless of my nerves and my sadness at leaving my current job, I'm excited for a new door opening and I feel like I can only go up from here.

"The use of money is all the advantage there is in having money."

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peaceful

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I'd laugh if it weren't so stupid, sad, and such a relief.

When Ty and I took Galaxy to the vet the other day, we found out that she doesn't have a rotten tooth at all. For one thing, the vet and the assistant both looked at her and said that she was very well-socialized and a friendly cat. She certainly acted better in the room than Orange does. She didn't bite, scratch, or yowl.

Well, she did yowl one time, but the vet was removing a piece of cheat grass that was the size of my thumbnail from where it got embedded in Galaxy's throat, so I think it was justified.

Yep, that was all that was wrong with the poor little cat that no one wanted me to try to save. She's been reluctantly taking her antibiotics and much less reluctantly scarfing down her food since she came home from the vet on Tuesday.

It's sad that we let her go on starving and hurting herself when she tried to eat for so long. Despite that, I refuse to kick myself because at least we got help for her. She wasn't condemned to death over something so small and stupid, in the scheme of things. I'm floored how deep the cheat grass got into the insides of her mouth and scraped her up, but at least that's all it was. At least it wasn't her teeth rotting out of her head, or some weird disease. She was running a fever, hence the antibiotics, and gets to go back to the vet in a week. But at least she's doing fine so far.

In other hospital-related news, I took my brother in to have his gallbladder removed today. He also did really well, and the nurses all thought he was hilarious. When we were wheeling him out and headed down to the car, all of them were lamenting about how they needed him to stay to entertain them. I'm bothered that my brother, who's just twenty-two, managed to somehow kill his gallbladder with his horrible diet and constant energy drink consumption, but relieved that it's over. And quickly. The procedure was minimally invasive and he can go back to work on Saturday night as long as he doesn't try to do any heavy lifting.

That's about all that's new. So speaking of, I wanted to sit down to read something new tonight, but instead I reread The Curse of Chalion, which remains one of my favorite books. I love when intrigue is well-written, when angst is justifiable and not just a cheap ploy, and when a writer builds a world and theology so convincing that I can't help falling into it.

Now I'm going to watch some Bleach and probably try to write, because I have alone time (gasp!) and a mind to try to scribble something slightly less meaningless than usual.

"If a man is in health, he doesn't need to take anybody else's temperature to know where he is going."

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Proof that Galaxy isn't a shitty cat, as some of my roommates - specifically Chris - have been trying to convince me: she climbed into bed with Ty and me this morning and started licking my face and purring. I petted her for a long time before I got up and made her some breakfast, but even then she was snuggly and just wanted attention. Petting her makes me feel awful because she was starved for not just food, but attention until now. That, and her fur is coarse from lack of nutrition and it really gets to me.

Tuesday is her vet appointment to get checked out and have them tell me what exactly is wrong and how much it will cost to fix. I hope it goes well; I hope I can afford to do what's necessary for Galaxy.

Chris tried to talk me down again this morning and I had to insist there's nothing wrong with simply taking her in to have her assessed, although I seriously plan on doing more than that if it's in my financial power. At least Ty is backing me up on this. We also talked about how Leonard bullies her, and how if we give her a few months to recover and start holding her own - assuming I can fix her up, that is - my brother can also take her in if she really can't get along with the other cats. But it took Leonard and Orange a few months to get used to Monkey and Galaxy and used to living in the Red House, so I think we need to give Galaxy that chance, too.

I just know that at this rate, I'm going to be that neighbor, the lady with all the cats. Not that I really mind. I joked with Ty that because we have an orange cat, two gray cats, and Monkey is white and brown spotted, we need a black cat and a calico cat now to make my catty collection complete.

And no, I'm not a cat hoarder; I just will never be able to enter the Humane Society or a cat shelter again without walking out with at least one cat, prolly more. And I can't believe I let the issue with Galaxy's teeth get this bad. It makes me feel rotten that I would take care of Leonard or Orange in a heartbeat, and even Monkey, but that I let Galaxy just go to hell in a handbasket before I decided to step in. I try to comfort myself that at least now I am stepping in, rather than continuing to ignore her. So there's that.

"Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not."

Although I am getting pretty fond of Galaxy, so I seriously, seriously hope I don't have to say goodbye.

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In the aftermath of losing George, I've been keeping busy. You have to keep moving after losing anybody and I hate that. It's been really hard.

Made harder by a cat named Galaxy Cry (not a name I chose, so I call her just Galaxy) who's lived at the Red House since before I moved in. She's been here for probably a year and a half. One of my roommate's friends stayed here for one summer, brought Galaxy with him, and left her when he went away. She became kind of the house cat - not any specific person's pet. For the last few months, she's been having trouble eating and I think it's because she needs a tooth pulled. My brother's cat Felix behaved the same way before we found out he had to have all four of his molars pulled.

The thing is, Felix was thirteen years old when we had his teeth pulled. He's almost sixteen now. He went from being wiry and concentration-camp skinny to being pear-shaped and very soft. He also used to be the most bad-tempered cat I've ever known, but now that his teeth don't hurt him, he's cuddly and wants to be held.

Galaxy has never been "cuddly," but everyone in the house has been insisting she's a bitch. I don't believe that; I believe she's just in pain. And no one has wanted to do anything about her teeth because it's expensive. Even me. I just kept figuring that somehow, everyone would either decide to chip in and help her, or she would run away, and that's fucking cruel.

After seeing George put down, I decided it wasn't worth letting her starve to death or end up put down because we're negligent. I told Ty last night that I can't go without trying to help Galaxy Cry because otherwise, I feel like the weight of her soul will be on me. So even though I don't have the money for this, I'm taking her to the vet on Tuesday just for a once-over. I want to know what's actually wrong with her. If it's something I can afford to fix through financing and maybe using a little of my savings, then I'll do it. It's not fair to her to say that because we didn't pick her, we refuse to help her in the least.

Ty thought I was a sucker at first and so did Jeff, but they came around when I told them why I wanted to help Galaxy as much as I can. Chris is the last one holding out. He doesn't like Galaxy and thinks she's not worth saving, but I've had a lot of experiences when she was downright friendly. The one that stands out was after the fair last month, when I got tragically motion-sick after too many rides and too many ice cream potatoes and was orienting myself in Ty's car after we got home. Galaxy jumped in through the window, climbed in my lap, and started purring and rubbing her cheeks on me. I know animals can tell when people are in pain so it bothers me that we know she's in pain and haven't tried to help. So I'm helping.

Maybe I'm a sucker, maybe I'm a crazy cat lady, but I would rather try to help than stand by and do nothing for an animal in pain.

"Animals are such agreeable friends - they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms."

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My brother took George to the vet because he was so weak this morning, he couldn't even stand up. He hadn't been eating for two days so Todd was already worried, and today was the last straw. We thought it might be stress from my mom and Todd moving house, but it was inoperable cancer in his lungs and stomach. There was nothing we could do. Nothing.

George is my favorite dog, the dog I cuddled with on the couch and tried to wrestle off me when he laid down on my book, trying to get in my lap. He always wanted to "Spock" or "walk" or "go for a thing." He always knew when someone was sad, and even though he had been horribly abused before we got him, and he was frequently nervous, he would come to your side when you needed a friend.

It's so hard to say goodbye.

It's so hard to watch the light leave my dog's eyes as he goes to sleep on his side for the last time.

I don't believe in heaven, but I do believe in an afterlife and that whatever power there is, whatever God is, dogs like George - true, loyal, sweet dogs, dogs who love their people fiercely and whom their people love fiercely - those dogs go to heaven.

I miss my Mister George. I have to convince myself what we did was right.

But I love my dog, and even if heaven is great, I wish he didn't have to go so soon.

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Nothing really spurred it, but I've been reading a shit ton of Star Trek fic recently.

The only Trek I've watched in the last few months has been DS9, but I've never felt a need for fic in that universe. Maybe because it ties up its loose ends enough that I don't feel I need fic, or maybe because I don't feel an incredible connection to any of the characters. I do like DS9 now that I'm older and have watched it with a more grown-up perspective than the teenager who tried watching it in the past. But I still feel like an observer, not really involved, with the series.

As for TOS and AOS, well, I've been like a man possessed.

It's meant that I put other reading and writing on the back burner while I've been poring through hollycomb's writing, which is good and bad, depending on your perspective.

The bad: it means I'm not working on my own writing, which I've felt a sudden burst of inspiration to do.

The good: her fics are fucking excellent and I love her grasp of character, so I consider it educational.

For example, I hate survival fiction. I do. I think it's dull and have thought so ever since grade school, when they made us read Hatchet. Maybe, like DS9, I might revisit that book as an adult and find it good, but as a sixth-grader, I remember hating it. I think the only time I read a survival book and enjoyed it was the year before that, when I picked Julie of the Wolves for a reading project.

But back to the main point here.

"Delicate" is Star Trek fic, but it forces Kirk, Sulu, and Chekov to try to survive on an uninhabited alien planet after their shuttle crashes there. It's a survival story in a sense, but unlike most of these stories, the characters aren't isolated except when interpersonal conflict pushes them apart. Maybe that's why I like it so much. The story comes from Sulu's perspective and because of that, he does some things that are ignorant - things that damage his relationships with Chekov and Kirk before finally bringing them to a tentative peace.

Also remarkable about this fic is that it made me actually believe a three-person relationship could work, rather than scoffing at the idea that two people essentially in love with one other person could learn to love one another, too. I felt awful for Chekov and Kirk, as Sulu's sort of satellites in this story. I felt awful for Sulu because he's trying to survive and keep the peace without going insane. It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that I cried, but it was more at how Chekov and Kirk both try to take care of Sulu in their own ways and both of them find themselves coming up short.

Plus, there are some little points of humor like spots of light in the otherwise fairly bleak tone of the story, and I needed the chance to crack a smile when something wasn't either going horribly wrong or somebody wasn't feeling betrayed.

So even if I tell you "Delicate" is a survival story, give it a chance. I didn't for a long time and read everything else hollycomb has written first, and I wish I had gotten to this one sooner. Fair warning: it's NC-17 and totally slash-tastic, but you knew that since I'm the one promoting it.

Meanwhile, cosplay drama has been happening but I'll deal with it later.

"Reading maketh a full man, conference a ready man, and writing an exact man."

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Preview/character shots of the cosplays I have lined up so far for the coming year:

( Lots of hos – HaseHO, PeneHO, and Linneus...is a prostitute, so it counts? XDCollapse )

Still waiting for sewing machine to get back from the shop, though. In the meantime, you may notice that I redesigned my journal slightly. I had Atoli up top there for years and although I love her for introducing me to cosplay and to Ellipsis, it's time to move on and pull her from center stage. She's no longer my character. I liked this art of Haseo, Atoli, and Alkaid, plus I've been meaning to use Soul To Squeeze by the Red Hot Chili Peppers as my layout song forever. It was that or Can't Stop, but I preferred this.

Sadly, I had a Saiyuki layout all coded and designed way back in the day when Ellipsis performed our Saiyuki skit at Sakuracon two years ago, but I never used it and it feels kind of phony to use it now. It feels like I would be too busy craning my neck to see behind me when I need to be bouncing on my toes to see ahead, ya know?

Anyway. Now you can see what the hell it is I've gotten myself into.

"We must confess that we are the possible / We are the miraculous, the true wonders of this world / That is when, and only when / We come to it."