I think I might be marrying him to avoid nights like tonight.  I've finally found someone that I can be comfortable with, who can see me with no make-up, who is perfectly happy staying home all day together curled up in bed watching re-runs on Netflix.  He's wonderful, but am I looking past all the flaws and differences because I'm afraid of the alternative?

Tonight he's at work and I'm off, so I'm home alone.  I like my evenings alone sometimes, but not too often. I'm lonely tonight, and I'd hate to think about spending every night like this.  If we break off our engagement, I'll actually have to be social.  As in going out to restaurants, bars, movies, etc. with friends.  I have friends now, but we have more of a "I'll see you at school, work, etc." relationship.  I just don't think I want to be more social than I already am.  Being social requires effort, and as much as I hate to say it, I'm a lazy shit.

So...that sounds really bad.  The previous argument comes down to marrying someone because I'm lazy.  That's not it.  Don't get me wrong, I love him.  He's great, amazing, wonderful...how many other positive words do you need to get the picture?  But he isn't perfect.  And I'm aware that I'm being idealistic, but I imagine perfection.  I want to be with the most perfect, handsome, most amazing man in the world, and that's so unrealistic.  Every marriage will have problems.  I just need to accept them, because I have my share of them too, trust me.

But am I marrying him because I'm afraid of being alone?  If I am, what happens later if I become more social, start enjoying going out again?  Then, if that's the only reason I'm with him, later I won't have a need for him, and that's not a healthy relationship at all. 

Sometimes I think that I'm too young to settle down, that I need to live some more and have more experiences with other people before I decide.  That might be true, but to be honest, I've had plenty of experiences in the dating world.  Most of it just sucks.  I've had the spectrum: the abusive boyfriend, the clingy stalker "never leave me again!" boyfriend, the creepy "I love you" on the first date boyfriend, the long-distance boyfriend.  I've had the random meet a guy at the bar or club time and I've been through date rape.  I think that's plenty of experiences, moreso, plenty of bad experiences.  Maybe another reason why I'm so quick to get engaged to the first guy that's actually decent to me.  Better than decent, incredible is more like it.  He's the epitome of boyfriends in my experiences, but could there be better?  And even though I've had all those experiences, I find myself jealous of my girlfriends when we go out to a club or party and they dance with random guys.  I was at a party recently, and my best friend got drunk and hooked up with a guy there.  I'm about to sound like a slut, I know, but I kind of miss that.  At times I feel like I haven't had enough of those "do whatever you want with no consequences" nights.

I'm just confused.  I want to marry him, but sometimes I don't.  I don't know if I'm ready.  Maybe I am. Who knows.