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[12 Oct 2006|04:34am] |
1. Tonight my sister threatened to kill me, broke my door, etc... she's a pothead, a drunk... etc... we kicked her out... she's at my dad's house now.
2. I hate rumors.
3. I feel sick... I feel like my world is caving in and I'm powerless to stop it. I feel like anything that means anything to me is in danger. I feel like disengaging myself from everything... from everyone. I just can't take all of this anymore... I thought I was at my breaking point a long time ago, but this is truly the breaking point of all breaking points. I just don't understand anything right now, but you know... in something like six monthes none of this will matter anymore. Hell, maybe it doesn't even matter tomorrow. I don't know when that day is.
4. yes, I got back at you for what you have done and continue to do.
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Well, one good thing is that since my sister did threaten to kill me, school is not even an option tomorrow.
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Nick I'm sorry that I'm leaving you to do all of this alone tomorrow. I love you and I'll call you after you're done with school.
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[22 Aug 2006|01:04am] |
I was thinking about things today. My life has been pretty retarded and pretty damn good at the same time. Right now my sister's damn friend is singing in the living room and it sucks and it's ticking me off... but wouldn't that be great if that was the end of my worries. Things with Nick and I aren't where they should be. His mom gets in the middle of things too much and she thinks that I'm making him depressed. I'm almost to the point of not caring. We kind of took a week long break, and I only got to see him for two hours today for some odd reason. I'm not really sure why but it happened. I miss him and love him. Anyone and everyone I love is always taken away from me. It always happens and it always will. Why do I even try anymore. Seriously.
Can I ever catch a break?
My dad wants to move to edwardsville. He hates my mom and he loves that area.. so he's killing two birds with one stone. I just don't know if I could be that far from everyone. My friends and Nick... eh... idk what to do
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| eh...this is me being dumb |
[13 Jul 2006|08:06pm] |
You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wish I had not said
Are played in loops til it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
Not our last days of silent screaming blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should've stopped you from walking out the door
You could be happy I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back don't just think just do
More than anything I want to see you girl(replace with guy or something lol)
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world
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[25 Jun 2006|08:34pm] |
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So... I think it's impossible for me to have a relationship with Nick right now. His mom is still being a douchebag and it's like always up to HER when we can hang out... and this week (and past week) because of my insane busy schedule, I probably won't see him at all... One, because most of the time I'll be in O'Fallon the whole day babysitting Gaberiel, Two because I don't want to piss my friends off. Any free time I get will be spent hanging out with my friends because that free time is nonexistant. But Sunday I wanted him to come to my recital... that's four hours long.. he stayed for one hour because of his mom apparently, but somehow I just didn't buy it. And everyone went out to eat afterwards and I just felt like a dumb ass... because everyone's boyfriends came both nights. and mine only stayed an hour. I just don't know if I can take this. My recital was really important to me. And it was really important to me that he show up and stay the whole time...in the bast 19 days I've seen him for less than four hours.... it doesn't even really feel like we're dating anymore.
...but maybe I'm asking too much
I did have fun last night with Sami, Mel, and Kelly <3 you guys are sweethearts... we DO have to add something else to Nick's doll now though ;-)
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| Woop woop! |
[18 Jun 2006|12:40pm] |
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So last night I went to Snix fest for a while with Sarah and Sami. It was really fun... then Sarah and I got ditched so we went to Fritz's and bitched for a while, but it was still fun. Then Sami stopped hanging out with Matt Keehner and came to Fritz's and picked Sarah up so I could go home without ditching a friend. Then I went home for a while and go a call from good old Michelle and then she and Alan ended up picking me up and then we went and picked Shoji up... went to the new Wal-mart to get hair dye so we could dye shoji's hair, but then Michelle had to go home so we went to Mike's and I watched them play a couple rounds of super smash brothers...then when I played I actually beat a certian Asian once... and then we just hung out... I don't really remember what all we did, but it involved dancing outside to N*Sync... and flipping pancakes... that's about all the memorable stuff that happened... then Mike took me home around 4:00ish. so that was fun.
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| Venting |
[18 Jun 2006|12:31pm] |
1. The parents. so as most of you have already been told in person, my parents keep going back and forth about a separation... I don't need to go through any details... everyone who matters knows, and if you ask, and you matter, I will tell you. But I have been bribed.
2. The friend. So lately, my friend has been kind of hurtful to me, and it feels like it's all on purpose. The ACT score, the hair, the weight, the ditching me and Sarah for guys. And I've tried to confront her, but when I said something about the ACT score, it was just more hurtful so I was scared to say anything about the other things. I'm pretty sure she knows I'm upset... I have my sources. But if she knew Sarah and I were really upstet, then she shouldn't have gone to hang out with Keehner by herself... I mean... If we would have offered? I wouldn't care, but she's starting to be mean and I don't really like it. She's changing and it's scary to me. Sarah and I were so sarcastic last night... you should have been able to tell that we were upset... and you don't just ditch someone that's spending the night with you... If you looked at her face you would have seen how hurt she was. I'm sorry that I can't confront you, but there are reasons. I'm not really good with confrontation, and last time I tried to confront and was very... relaxed about it and not accusing... you hurt my feelings even more... so... there goes that... maybe you'll read this, maybe you won't... But you really need to get your priorities straight... I'm glad that Matt Keehner is more important than your friends and that you feel it is perfectly okay to ditch your friends.
3. the other friend. I can't do this. there's a couple people that know this one, but I am not capable of typing it out AT ALL
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| I don't get many things right the first time |
[11 Jun 2006|01:06pm] |
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So shopping was amazing. Everyone here should go check out the store Jimmy'z at the galleria. I love it. Anyways, I talked to Nick on the phone last night and he has already bought me a couple things. I feel like I need to do something for him now... I might go pick up the new flaming lips cd that he wants, but won't spend the money for it... that might be a cool thing to do. Oh well... but I'm guessing he's at least spent 20 dollars on me (poster, cd, stickers) so uhh... I think I can spend 15 dollars on a cd for him.
Tonight I'm spending the night at Niki's house and then Niki, Jenn, and I are going to six flags tomorrow morning-ish. so that'll be fun
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[10 Jun 2006|11:30am] |
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So last night Sara and I went to deals to get stuff to get kelly's car (in a nice way), and she wanted to follow me because she thought she would get lost... and I uhm... went the wrong way :-P... I saw Michelle and Dan being all cute and snuggly by Applebee's and honked and waved... uhhh then Sara and I bought vines, modeling clay, streamers, flip flops... etc... then... we proceeded to... "get kelly's car" but I think she got mad. So... :-\ I hope she's... not mad anymore... Sara and I thought about getting her a cake that said sowwwwwwy. Nick called me while we were there and that was nice... it wasn't as nice as I thought it would be because I don't really... miss him yet (oops lol) Apparently though, the McDonald's crew likes to talk about me because once I got there Kelly said they were asking if she knew me and some other stuff... and apparently the stoner guy that works there thinks Sara and I are hot... He was staring at us and stuff and I called him out on it... I didn't want to, but kelly was like "oh who, him?" and so I had to... blah... anyways Sara and I wanted to wait until Kelly got off work, but then she had to stay until 11 randomly :-\ We went to Alex's house and got royally defeated in foosball. It was fun though... then we watched Adam play the kitty cannon game or whatever it is... it was kind of... morbid, but uhhh... addicting :-P
Anyways, today I'm going shopping with my parents... which... is weird because my parents don't get along. So... I don't really know what's going on. But we're leaving for the galleria around 3 or 4ish. Which will be fun because I totally need new clothes... maybe I'll get some shorts :-P
I started to write down stuff to tell Nick... because apparently he wrote me a four page note on the plane. eek! how I'm I going to do anything to match up to THAT?!
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| Suddenly is soon... sooner than you think |
[09 Jun 2006|11:13am] |
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So this is the beginning of probably the ten longest days of my entire life. Nick left at 10 this morning for Seattle. He gets back on the 19th, but we probably won't be able to do anything that day because of the way his mom is about things. Boo on her. I'll probably put up a lot of entries just so I can remember things to tell Nick when he gets back. Like right now how I miss him already and it's only 11:14... on the first day. He's precious though. He called me at 9 this morning because he missed me already. He did wake me up, but I don't mind.
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| a lot on my mind |
[05 Jun 2006|10:58pm] |
1. It's not like she's going to read this, but a certain friend of mine has been totally diss-ing me lately. I don't really know if she's meaning to, but it hurts. I wish she would stop.
2. Re-kindled feelings that don't mean anything.
3. Where in the hell is he? and why the hell have things been so dumb with him?
4. Why does Nick have to go to Seattle for 10 days?
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| All things go |
[19 May 2006|05:42pm] |
And there's always going to be that one person that you'll think about every single day. It doesn't matter where they are or how long it's been since you've seen their fave or heard their voice. You'll always wonder how they're doing and if they're thinking about you the way you think about them. And you'll wonder if you've left as big of an imprint on their hearts that they have left on yours. It won't matter how preoccupied you are with your life. You'll be alone in your car or just sitting at home studying, and you'll miss them and wonder how things would be if you wouldn't have cut things so short. I'm sorry that things ended up this way, and even though I've moved on... I can't shake this. I can't shake it off for more than a day. Even though I've got the most wonderful boyfriend that cares so much about me and does everything a good boyfriend should, I can't shake what's happened to you.
...and the funny thing is that you probably don't even know that you're still impacting the way I live my life
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| Further down the river |
[13 May 2006|11:05pm] |
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Tomorrow is mother's day. I honestly don't even care. My mom is dumb
I would really like to see Nick tomorrow... since... I don't really care about what's going on with my mom... whatever... I started this thinking I'd have a lot to write, but I don't...
fuck journals man
-Beth
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| color quiz |
[29 Apr 2006|01:17pm] |
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Beth took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Seeks success, stimulation, and a life full of exp..."
Click here to read the rest of the results.
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| Play that record backwards |
[13 Apr 2006|10:41am] |
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Last night was a pretty awesome night <3 I went to the movies with Nick and then we went to Riverview for a while. He's amazing. Then we ran into Juan and a bunch of people and I almost went to hang out with them, but I could definately tell they were all probably intoxicated so I called Sami and went to hang out with her and Jennifer for a while which was nice.
Today Nick and I are going to do something I think. Hopefull we don't get into the "doing something every single day" mode.
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| hmm |
[11 Apr 2006|03:38pm] |
well, idk about everything that's going on right now guys. I can honestly say I've been through worse, but it's still stressful. I'm sick of drama and I'm sick of fighting, but if I don't push until there is a solution, there will never be one and this will happen again. It's nice to talk to Nick because when I talk to him none of this drama gets brought up and it's just nice to know that for even a little bit I don't have to talk about it. And maybe I do come off as fake to him, but I don't really think so. The only person that thinks I act differently around him is Brigid. Part of me thinks it is ironic, and part of me sees where she is coming from. I think I've mentioned to her to keep my past on the DL around him... I think I've actually mentioned that to everyone. He's probably already heard some of it, but I just don't find it necessary to tell him all about HIM... and all about how rickity my past has been and all the bad things I've done. Honestly I don't think he'd care. He's just wonderful like that, but they are things I would like to keep from him until a later date. At the same time I think it's ironic because she's never talked to the both of us together.
~Beth
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[10 Apr 2006|03:40pm] |
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oh :-) I had so much fun yesterday. Nick, Kelly, Sara, Sami, Steven and Juan. You guys are amazing and you're so my absolute favorites.
And this wednesday we all have to go to that show in Jville for Personality Plus :-D who's with me? wooooo! (at least Sami and hopefully Nick can convince his mom to let him go too)
Brigid,
So you know, since you "ran that note by Mrs. Crotty," I don't know how much of it I'm going to take seriously if I get it at all. And I think it's pretty retarded that you got a teacher involved.
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| Frustration |
[09 Apr 2006|05:01pm] |
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You know, if you don't ever call me when you say you will, what's the point in being my boyfriend? I'm really getting pissed off. This is three days in a row we were supposed to do something and you just forget to call me. Well what happens if one day I just forget I have a boyfriend? What would you say about that? Don't lie to me. If you really dont' want to hang out then maybe you should tell me instead of "forgeting" about me. Because it is just as easy for me to forget all about you as it is for you to forget to call me.
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[09 Apr 2006|05:01pm] |
| How You Are In Love | 
You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.
You give and take equally in relationships.
You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered.
You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.
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[07 Apr 2006|07:03pm] |
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So, tonight I'm pretty much dead because of the ACT tomorrow morning. I did want to see Nick, but I don't think that's going to happen. So I probably won't get to spend any time with him this weekend which is going to make me a not so happy camper, but I'm sure we'll figure something out. Then after the ACT, I have an hour to get ready for the baby shower which lasts until four. I don't know if I have the patience to deal with the whole two hours, but I'll try. Then afterwards we're supposed to celebrate our freedom from the ACT. So, if Nick was somehow reading this, it would probably be wise for him to call me tonight, but oh well. There's always next weekend
Woo!
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[02 Apr 2006|10:58am] |
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:-) I got a pleasant surprise last night. Nick called me on my way to meet up with Jennifer and said he could go out with us :-) so he went with me to the Mr. Irresistable contest and that was really fun. And then we went to visit Niki at work and Nick Jenn and I all sat in one chair. Then Nick and I went to Fritz's even though it was extremely cold so he attempted to keep me warm.. his mom called at like 10:30 freaking out. and I haven't heard back about that so... I'm nervous... I probably won't either because the only way he was going to be able to call me is because of his brother's game or something. And uh... it's raining so... great y'know. Oh well there's always tomorrow :-)
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