How I Almost Squished A VW Bug
Picture courtesy of allvehicles.com
They say everything happens for a reason, but today as I sit here writing this, I'm still pondering the reason for what happened to me yesterday on my way home from the hospital...I certainly can't see any reasonable explanation for what happened, except that the guy upstairs must have an incredibly bizarre sense of humor when it comes to dealing with me...
Exterior shot Late afternoon, early evening, a city street in anywhere USA. Man is driving home from having just spent 7 long hours getting two units of whole blood and two units of platelets dripped into his radial artery. Man is tired but feels much better than he has in weeks. Man is alert, man is a very good driver, and since it is basically rush hour traffic, man is even more alert than normal.
Have any of you ever seen that car insurance commercial where a young couple is driving, randomly laughing and having a normal time of it, and then BAM! Their car is suddenly t-boned by another motorist who wasn't paying attention to the road? It kind of jangles your nerves, because the first two or three times you see it, you really don't expect to hear tires screaming, metal crunching or glass breaking...
Well, I experienced just that very thing yesterday, only on a much smaller scale...Sort of like a kinder, gentler accident if you know what I mean...But it wasn't my fault, and there were several witnesses who pulled over to offer their information, (Including an off duty California Highway Patrol Officer), and thankfully no one involved was even slightly injured...
Looking back on it now, I start to chuckle then catch myself...
Car accidents, even minor fender benders are NOT supposed to be funny, but, as is normal my way, I will manage to pry some sort of humor out of the situation one way or another...
There is a very long, wide, and winding, four lane road called 'Fletcher Parkway' that leads almost from my front door in El Cajon directly to the hospital and beyond...Several dozen smaller streets feed onto The Parkway, as it is known locally, from various spots along the way from it's starting point in Lakeside almost all the way into San Diego...In fact, The Parkway itself terminates in a freeway...All in all I believe it's about twenty or so miles long from one end to the other...
The speed limit along The Parkway varies depending on where you are on it..Say for instance if you're coming up out of El Cajon or going down into El Cajon, the speed limit is 50 mph...That's because on that particular stretch there are no major feeder streets, very few buildings, and no school zones...But the typical median speed limit is 45 mph...And there are a whole shitload of traffic lights, stops signs and yields along the way, so you have to be alert and aware pretty much any time you're on The Parkway...
So here I was, windows rolled up tight against the ridiculously high outside temperature of 103 degrees Fahrenheit, air-conditioning blowing back my hair like an arctic blizzard, Raybans snugged down over my eyes and the radio turned up just loud enough to be heard over the quiet, reassuring hum of the engine...Traffic was moving along rather nicely, considering it was rush hour and all, and other motorists seemed to be smiling at one another instead of doing the usual sneering, finger-flipping, and mouthing of vulgarities they usually do on their drives home from wherever...For once, people were actually being 'polite' and 'thoughtful' behind the wheels of their automobiles instead of the cut throat, murderous subversive maniacs they normally are...So I must admit, I got caught up in the whole calm sort of traffic 'zen' thing that was taking place all around me...I sighed and relaxed back in my seat at the traffic light at the top of The Parkway just before it starts down into the valley...
Just to my right sits a large and rather snooty shopping center which contains a Denny's, an ever present Starbucks, a Jack-In-The-Box, a Marshall's clothing store, a Michael's crafts store, a Von's Supermarket and several dozen other little unremarkable yet seemingly necessary Southern California retail shops...I had just treated myself to a nice fat Denny's cheeseburger and was waiting for the light to change when it happened...
97-98% of all Southern California natives are criminally insane...No seriously, I mean it...I believe it's actually a pre-requisite to live here...Not only are they insane when you meet them face to face, but they're even more insane behind the wheels of their jacked up, custom painted Hummers, Rams, Jeeps, SUVs, mini-trucks, tanks or whatever vehicles they happen to own...In fact, the one driver who zooms through a red light without getting clipped by oncoming traffic gets a loud round of applause and is automatically considered a hero in the eyes of the other motorists who didn't have the guts to run the light and opted to come to a stop instead...There' s also another strange phenomena out here known as 'road sign aversion', or 'that sign applies to everybody else on the road except me'...I was about to experience this road sign aversion in a very big way as the light changed from red to green and my foot slipped over to the gas pedal...
Now in most states I've driven in, whenever you come to a 'merge' lane, there is the customary 'yield' sign at the end of it...This means you either slow down or come to a stop if you can't merge safely into the flow of traffic...Strangely enough however, here in Southern California this sign actually means if you can zip into traffic, cut somebody off and avoid a collision all at the same time, then you're to be admired for your driving prowess...Anyway, the red light turned green, I hit the gas, and suddenly this little silver Volkswagen Beetle comes racing across three lanes of traffic from the 'merge' lane and skips right in front of me as if I weren't even there...The only thing I could do was to stand on the brakes and jerk the wheel to the left to avoid t-boning the little bug...As it was, my front bumper grated along it's back bumper and pushed it about thirty feet farther down The Parkway...Had I not been more vigilant, it would have ended up as a nice silver hood ornament for my BMW...
I saw the wide, startled eyes of the driver as she looked back at me in the rear view mirror, and I pointed a furious index finger at the entrance to the shopping mall...She understood my meaning, and immediately pulled into the Denny's parking lot and cut her engine...Unbeknownced to me however, a line of sfour other cars also followed us into the Denny's parking lot, so by the time I climbed out to confront the bug's driver, there was a small crowd of about 6 people gathered behind me...
As soon as the woman stepped out of the Beetle my rage melted away...She couldn't have been more than about 17, (sixteen I would later find out), with tears streaming down her face, shaking like a leaf, and being supported by her equally as shaken and equally as young teenage female passenger...The only thing I could think to ask was, "What, were you thinking!?" and even that was said in a low, even tone of voice...At the same time, some guy had stepped out of the crowd, taken hold of my left arm, and was asking me if I were ok...(This man later turned out to be the off duty CHP officer)...The young girl just burst into a fit of full on hysterics and fell to her knees, literally...I mean gals seriously, if you hit some guy or cause some guy to hit you? Get out of the car crying then fall to your knees in hysterics if you don't want him to yell or scream at you...
I guarantee the tactic will work every single time...
While I left the sobbing, snot-ridden teenager to cry onto the shoulder of her companion, I went around to the front of my car to assess the damage...Luckily my grossly over sized big black rubber bumper had taken the brunt of the collision and was only slightly scuffed...There was no body or paint damage, not even a ding or a scratch...I was relieved...The back end of her VW Beetle however, didn't fair quite so well...One tail light was smashed to smithereens, the right side of the almost non-existent metal bumper looked like it was giving me a lop-sided smile, and the engine cover was mashed in...
That's when I realized that the annoying guy who kept following me around and asking me a never-ending stream of questions was an off duty cop...He flashed a badge at me, then took out a small spiral notepad from his breast pocket...(I suppose that's another standard issue thing for cops here in SoCal. They are required to carry the same small little spiral notepad around with them 24/7, just like they're required to always carry their weapon)...After I had shown him all the necessary paperwork, i.e., insurance card, driver's license, registration, medical records and dental x-rays, (just kidding about the last two), he then turned to the devastated teenager and her passenger...
Just as he was within a foot or so of her, she jumped up, side-stepped him and ran at me like a line-backer for the Chicago Bears...Startled, I just stood there as she collided with me, wrapped both arms around my waist, and proceeded to beg for her life in between bouts of incessant crying and sobbing...As gently as I could, I managed to pry her loose from me and hold her back at arm's length...She looked up at me with big watery brown eyes surrounded by runny mascara and said...
"I don't know what happened I didn't even see you when I merged into that lane I swear to God I didn't see you oh Mister please don't beat me up or call the cops on me or anything cause I have insurance I swear I do and my car is all legal and everything so don't get mad cause my Mom and Dad will pay for any damage to your car and I'm really really really really sorry I didn't see you and I made you hit my car but I just got my driver's license like two days ago and I'm not really familiar with the area so like I wanted to go to Starbucks but I went past the entrance yanno? And so like I thought I could just cut across and zip into the driveway but I didn't see you in the mirror you must have been in my blind spot cause I didn't see you at all I swear to God I didn't! So like I'm really really really really sorry ok? And what do ya need from me my insurance card or my name or what? Should I like call my Mom cause like my Dad is gonna scream at me but you're so nice you didn't even scream at me so like what do you need an address, a phone number, my name, my Mom's name, where my Dad works? Gee you're really being so nice Mister cause you're not even acting like you're mad at me or anything you must be a really really really really nice guy so what do ya need me to show you first or should I call my Mom and have her come down here cause I can do that if you need me to besides she's gonna wanna talk to you about why I didn't see you in my mirror and is the front of your car crashed up or anything...!?"
Mind you all this was said without even one small break or intake of breath...
Ever see the look Bugs Bunny gives the camera when somebody just keeps prattling on without even stopping to take in a breath? One eyebrow raised and the tip of one ear flopped over slightly? Ok, yeah, well that's how I looked over at the cop, who was obviously just as stunned by her apparently huge lung capacity as I was...All he could manage to ask her was,
"Do you have an up to date insurance card and a valid California driver's license young lady?"
That was about the same time that she glanced over at the coban bandage on my right hand as it rested on her shoulder, and at the huge line purple bruises running up and down my right arm...That's when her eyes, which were already the size of cake plates widened to the size of two turkey platters...
"Oh my God Mister are you hurt!? Did I do that!? Oh God are you ok!? Do you need an ambulance!? What happened!? I didn't think you hit me that hard!"
I shook her once, very gently mind you, just to get her attention...
"No," I said, "you didn't do this. I have leukemia, and I just came from getting two units of platelets and two units of whole blood at the hospital..."
She opened her mouth wide, and proceeded to scream...
It was the most high-pitched, ear shattering, nerve jangling, never-ending shriek I have ever heard come out of any human being in my entire life...She stiffened up as if she had just developed a bad case of rigor mortis, and kept right on screaming no matter what I said or how hard I tried to get her to listen to me...Finally I let go of her shoulders, put two fingers into my mouth and gave a loud, shrill whistle that made all eyes turn in my direction and made her snap her mouth shut like a stunned mullet...
Her companion ran up to her again and put a supporting arm around her shoulders, because frankly I think if she hadn't, the only person going anywhere in an ambulance was going to be this poor little shocked out of her mind teenager...
As calmly as I could I asked her,
"Do you have a cell phone?"
Yes, she nodded slightly.
"Good." I said gently, "why don't you get on it and call your Mom. We'll exchange all the necessary information while we wait for her to get here, ok?"
"O-kay..." she sniffed.
I pulled off my sunglasses and propped them on the top of my head while ten of us, including me, the two girls, the cop and the 'witnesses' all stood around merrily broiling in the hot blazing sun like chicken wings on a bbq grill...
Long story short, she had all the correct papers, her Mom finally arrived and was extremely pleased that I hadn't beaten her daughter senseless, the cop handled all of the exchange of paperwork including statements from the 'witnesses', and little by little the 'group' eventually dwindled down to me, the two teenagers and the Mom...She too inquired about the bandage and the bruises, and was a bit shocked at my reply...But I quickly reassured her I was just fine...There was no damage to my car, so there was no reason to report anything to the DMV and have them jack up her insurance premium to $12,00000 a month on her daughter's car just because of a minor fender bender...
Mom was so grateful she offered to buy me dinner at Denny's...I thanked her but politely declined, explaining that I was just coming from Denny's when her daughter cut in front of me...Then she offered to buy me a coffee at Starbucks...Again I declined...I like a cup of Starbucks coffee only moderately more than I enjoy getting a root canal, so that was out of the question too...I told Mom that I had a friend who could just buff out the scuff marks on my bumper, apply some Armor-All and it would be as good as new...Then Mom sighed and absently asked how she was ever going to get the insurance company to pay for the repair on her daughters VW...I suggested that she call the insurance company, tell them when her daughter came out of Starbucks the damage had already been done, and that whomever had hit her left no note, no address and no information on the car...
I explained that it was called a 'no-fault' accident, and that the insurance company would gladly fix it and her rates wouldn't go through the roof, in fact, on a no-fault accident, the rates don't change at all...That's when Mom hugged me, told me that I was a very sweet guy, and that if her daughter had to have her first accident, she was glad it was me who hit her and not some jerk-off bruiser who would have scared her poor sixteen year old to death and mentally scarred her for the rest of her natural life...
Another round of spontaneous hugging ensued and everybody climbed back into their vehicles to head home...As I drove down The Parkway into El Cajon, I had to burst out laughing at the whole situation...In reality, it had been a good thing it was me that hit the VW and not some crazed, insane, sue-happy SoCal native...I also laughed at myself for having been cowed into submission by a hysterical sixteen year old girl with runny mascara and the scream of a banshee...Then I smiled at the look on Mom's face when she realized that yes indeed, I was a nice guy and her daughter's life was never in any danger...
By the time I pulled into my driveway and gave my front bumper another once over just to make sure, I was satisfied and happy...No one had gotten hurt, there was no major damage to my car, and three women ended up having a 'nice' experience as a result of a small traffic accident instead of it ending up like an episode from WWF Raw...
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I almost squished a VW bug...
I'm still trying to figure out what I was supposed to learn from the experience...When I figure it all out, I'll be sure to let you all know...
