Tonight was a bad night, tonight as in about 20 minutes ago. I watched an old video of myself, well not that old- from april, and I miss my body so much. My upper body was so much thinner than what it is now. My arms were so much tinier. I could fit into a size 5 dress and it was still loose on me. I want that back. It cant be that difficult, right? I know I'm going to be even more critical of myself now. I know Im going to turn more anorexic than I am, which will almost be full anorexia. There is nothing wrong with a curvy body, so why do I want to get rid of mine so bad?

I resisted temptation today...twice. Im proud of myself. Im starting to crave food. Not that im hungry, i just want to taste something. Im tired and my concentration is down. And im not skinny yet. GOD DAMN...when will i be skinny?! Weightloss just seems so much slower than it used to be. I had 3 cups of tea...ooops.

Hope you are all well.

7:22pm: questions -
normal feelings of bulimia -
teeth and throat hurt,
stomache feels empty but swollen
shaking
tired... normal things.
well, how do i know why i feel like i do?

katie feelings -
(plus the above)
chest hurts (lungs)
severe heart burn
shaking ALL the time
head feels foggy
bruises on belly (from pushing my stomach so hard)
feels like i can never get a full breath
blood in spit
nauseas (sp??) all the time (sadly i use this to my advantage.
total loss of life basically...

does anyone else have any of these, so im not crazy thinking there is something wrong with my body, and i am just a normal retard with an ED (no offense)

also!
is there anyway to throw up with out sticking something down your throat that anyone has heard of? besides ipacac. i heard that stuff will kill you. and i dont want to die, i just want to be able to throw up better. like, somehting i can drink??

x-posteoed

Hey guys. so the first day of the rest of my life has gone well. I havnt eaten anything and ive had 1 cup of tea. Im pretty tired now so ive put some lively music on to wake me up...off to the gym in 2hrs.
Im so proud of myself because, even though ive fasted before (like 1000times!), i feel like this fast is so much more in control. Like this morning i was drinking a cup of tea and i decided that after half the cup that i was full and that i didnt need anymore. So i stopped drinking it. I sat there for a whole 20mins without finishing it. I know that really doesnt sound like an achievement to you guys but it totally is to me.
I got home after university at about 1:45pm and i controlled myself and told myself that i was allowed a cup of tea at 2:30pm. By the time 2:30 came round, i wasnt hungry anymore...so i didnt have one until now (and ive only drunk half of that too). YAY!
Usually when i fast i have to stay away from all temptation. Which is why i always binge eventually because i cant avoid it for the rest of my life. So i have to learn how to exercise my control and im loving it. I never realised having so much control would be so exiting! Its weird to explain how when i fasted previous to this i was still totally out of control. I dont know if im making any sense at all!
Anyway...im off to the gym soon. Im only doing an hour long step class, which is kinda crappy because i really dont burn that many calories. But somethings better than nothing right?

I saw this picture on another community and i was just blown away...you guys have probably already seen it!

Hey guys!

Ive had a terrible week but this one is going to be a great one...and the one after that and the one after that and after that! Ive got a red dress that i have to fit into next saturday for halloween so im fasting. And then the weekend after that im going to visit my friend in london. We are going to be doing TONS of shopping so i have to be thin for that because shopping is no fun when yuor a fat ass, which is what i am at the moment. I want to weigh 128lbs by saturday but i think the reality of it is im going to weigh around 134lbs (sigh) but i will definately make 128lbs by next weekend and hopefully more. I loose around 2lbs a day when im fasting so thats good. I think the scales that i have are broken because it gives me like different readings all the time. I think im going to have to start measuring myself instead. Im going to the gym everyday apart from Tuesdays and Fridays.
I want to go shopping and LOOK GOOD IN EVERYTHING! If anyone wants to join my fast you are more than welcome...i could use the support to be honest! Hope you guys are all doing well. byeeeee.

SOOOO.... my roomate and I and her brother went out to a bar last night and were dancing on the dance floor (took me a while to get the nerve) and there was a mirror on the one wall.

It was horrible. I looked at myself and all I could see was fat jiggling all over, like a fucking earthquake. I hate myself. And I kept trying to stop and go sit down (not to mention everyone there was like 60 lbs) but she wouldn't let me and she and her brother complimented me when we left about my dancing and he said I looked hott, but I knew he was just lying to make me feel better. He was prolly thinking what a fat ass I was.
I wanna cry.

Why do I have to be one of those girls that one bite of something makes me gain like 10 pounds?

I'm gonna go to sleep and hopefully I won't wake up terrified in the middle of the night.

Today was good, i had 180 calories and it was good stuff. Now im have to do some homework and me and my parther cant do it cause the printer at school fucked and we are screw..whatever. So, i need to find a job. Its seems that im too lazy for it.
Oh and theres one thing that makes me really mad!! You know i see my principal at school, she follows me what i eat and stuff, well i lie ( duh ) but then the nurse at school wanted me to go see her for check-up time. She took test ( blood and preseure) ( whatever we spell that )and said i had to go see her once a week..and oh she knows that im lieing to ms.coleman ( principal ) so i cant do anything and of course the reasult are not good cause im not eating enought so...blah...anyone know what i could so?

Hi. I'm Meaghan.

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Hey everybody! Ive finally got my internet connection sorted so now i can start updating everyday again! Gosh its been a turbulent week. Last night i cried all night long (i kid you not). The reason why is a very long, very boring, and not very original one! So today i feel like death warmed up. Ive had huge arguments with this guy who lives in the room next to me (he thinks that im a "dirty c**nt") and everyone hates him. I feel like no guy is EVER going to find me in the slightest bit attractive. And i have a huge crush on a guy who sits next to me in my lectures. I cannot stop thinking about him and its beating me up because he is just sooooooo out of my league.
I have a halloween party next weekend, so i have to weigh at least 126lbs, if not less. Im going as a devil and i have a red dress that is TINY...so i have to stop eating until then. So far so good. Im going out with my friends on wednesday night (although i really dont want to because i am just too fat) and hopefully i will see my crush! Thing is, my best friend likes him too. I havnt told her i like him and i really dont want the whole thing to go pear shaped. blablaba! Im sure you guys have all been in this situation before! And we are going to the Young Farmers Union tomorrow evening. Another thing im not happy about going to because the size of my arse right now is horrendous!
Anyway..bye for now! So glad to be back and i hope you are all well!

PS here is a picture of our last house outing(im the one on the far left)!

http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a288/iseebones/alltogether.jpg