serious question
what shall i be this halloween?

i was a matching mermaid with sophie last year. it was cute. and my bf'ing boobs looked fantastic.

but this year i want to be something for ME. and it can't be TOO terribly slutty because i will probably be around the 13-year-old child of this guy that i'm kind of sort of dating. and it can't be matching because i'm making sophie a dallas cowboys cheerleader.

stfu. she's too young for it to scar her.

so? suggestions? hit me with your best shot.

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now.
in the last few months, i have gone days on end without thinking of you. just so that's out there.

and someday, a man will love me for real. and he will never even know i ever had a live journal.

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summer update
is it all memories now? will it always be the lingering numbness on my tongue where the electricity shot right through me, the flash behind my closed eyes of the once-upon spark of a kiss? or is it just that i will always be such a feeling junky that This Moment can only ever be Magic or the sad, soulful memory of it?
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i used to write as if it were a necessity. as if that were how i processed life, the universe, and everything. now the writer in me hulks about, this tiny, sober thing with drooped shoulders just waiting, just biding her time until she can weigh enough to pull the grateful, clever, singing amanda down into her darkness.
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i fell in love a couple of months ago. it wasn't the plan. when i met michael, it was a saturday night in february. he wasn't what i thought i was looking for, but i was dating a few people and completely open about it and we'd been texting back and forth since like november and i had nothing to do on a saturday night, so we went bowling. aaaaaaaand i spent the night. for a couple of months, i kept dating other people, but i think i was just doing it after the first few dates as a defense; i knew very early on that i wanted this thing with michael to go somewhere. so i told the other boys i was seeing that i had met someone, that i couldn't see them any longer, and about a month and a half ago, i told michael i was in love with him. drunk. on a beach.

'that's not a fair thing to say when you are still talking to other boys,' he said.
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so that's where i am now. it's summer. i just finished teaching the first session of summer school, and it was hectic and exhausting and now in this, my first week of only three i get off this summer, i'm already wishing i didn't have the time off. i think entirely too much when i am alone. and sometimes my brain goes to happy places. but mostly when i get thinky, i get lonely. and scared. and livejournal-y.

i'm only now realising that i might have trust issues. when i get weirdly anxious about my boyfriend (i think that's what he is, but it's such a weird word coming from a 32-year-old single mother), it just might be because i have been betrayed a time or two. or ten.

so we wait. and work. 'if we're lucky, we'll have 50 or 60 years together,' michael says, 'so what's the rush?' i hear that, and logically, i get it. but a part of me, and increasingly larger part, gets suspicious.

it's not a part of myself i like. it's not one i knew before.
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also, i wrote a (short) book and published it on the kindle site. it's called 'abandon,' and i'm working on the second volume now.

http://www.amazon.com/abandon-ebook/dp/B008DZO7HG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1341950231&sr=8-1&keywords=abandon+amanda+cooper

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only the good
one of my students is dead. his family was in a car wreck on friday on the way to visit extended family for easter. marqualyne and his grandmother were both killed.

this was a four-day weekend, so the first time we will see our students after this tragedy is tomorrow. some of them know; marqualyne was a really popular kid, and he was a member of the mac band and there was a competition this weekend after his death. most of them don't, so teachers have been quite literally given a script and asked to make the announcement in their first period classes.

my first period class is jv tennis, and most of the kids will be out tomorrow for our last tournament of the season. my second period speech class was the one in which marqualyne sat in the front row. last week, as an impromptu lesson on the importance of everyday instances of communication, i had that class make a bucket list. marqualyne's five items included going to church and telling his family he loved them. when i asked the class why we weren't doing these things every day, marqualyne's answer was, 'i do those two.'

so the head tennis coach will take the team to the tournament in the morning and i'll talk to the tennis kids who couldn't go during first period. then i'll stay for second to talk to my speech kids and the substitute; it seems an incredibly difficult situation for a substitute teacher to walk into, and i do not want the poor woman blindsided with a letter five minutes before the bell. if it seems like the day is going to be really bad for the kids, i'll probably end up staying after talking to the head coach. if it seems to be going smoothly, i'll go meet my tennis kids at the tournament. three of the kids playing tennis tomorrow were in my second period class with marqulyne.

i wrote my kids a letter. i will read my script verbatim, give them my letter, and then take their lead. i remember when my friend rene died when we were sophomores. it made no sense. the world stopped. suddenly, we were all mortal. how every single one of my teachers held it together during that week is beyond me. i know i won't break down in front of my kids, but i feel so fucking powerless and desperate; there is NOTHING i can do right now for them. there is nothing i can do right now but love them all, and right now, that doesn't fix a damn thing.

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the whining i didn't think i did any longer
'people aren't meant to be alone,' coach cottengame said to me with a quiet authority.

'i'm not alone,' i ventured. 'i have sophie.'

'sophie won't be with you forever,' he said, a finality.

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he's right, of course. she won't be with me forever. she is with me now, and my little family makes me happy. on occasion, i feel very me-and-her-against-the-world, and it is empowering because somehow, i make her laugh each day and i feel as loved as i ever imagined i could.

but sometimes, when she goes to sleep and i'm staying up because it took three hours for the caulk to dry on the washer i just rigged so my sheets are drying and the vacuuming and grading is done and the lunches for the week are packed...sometimes, at the thought of another first date in the next few days, i get lonely.
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i'm dating. i've been dating since well before the divorce was final, and in hindsight, october was way to soon to be making out with new people, but no hearts were horribly broken in the making of this date-ready mama, so let's chalk it up to fun cocktail hour tales, shall we? i'm dating and it's weird because my life revolves around this perfect little toddler, but i am ridiculously selective about who meets her. the very first guy after i left scott met her, and a guy i'm dating now has met her twice. at least, i think i'm still dating him. we haven't talked in a couple of days. see what i mean? i have NO IDEA what that kind of timeline means.

i love my job so much. every single morning, i am grateful for it. every single morning, i am grateful for the chance to sing with sophie. i am happy with life and i get it, i don't need anyone else in order to be Happy.

but i'm such a girl and i believe in love. i believe that two people in love can build something bigger than anything alone. and i want someone to talk to about things. about work and sophie and grad school and god. about politics. about books. about getting old.
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so i'll go to happy hour tonight to meet this lawyer i met online and i'm almost saddened by my complete lack of expectations on first dates anymore. if he doesn't try to fuck me on the first date and can remember two or three things i've mentioned through texting, i'm calling it a win.

is that sad? dating is fun. fun is okay.

but fun is not forever.

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final.
i feel good. shaky this morning, and slightly in shock. but good. strong. free.

and grateful.

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dating like a grown-up
my divorce was supposed to be final in november. it will be final this thursday.

because i am an overacheiver (and also because it is sad to drink alone), i have already dipped a toe into the adult world of dating. a few early notes:

-apparently, i am much more open/honest/upfront about sex and politics and religion than most girls are on first dates. the men for whom this was unsettling ended up being men i was not interested in a second date with, so yay for another filter, i suppose...

-the best date i have had so far was with a man i wasn't excited at all about meeting. it was sort of, 'oh, what the hell. might as well go bowling, maybe we'll be friends,' and we have ended up going out a couple more times. so i shouldn't judge a book by its cover. or rather, i shouldn't judge a person (entirely) by his online profile.

-there are some really, really bad kissers out there. like, REALLY bad.

-boys always insist on paying for first dates. i like this. a lot.

-i really like hearing boys tell me i'm pretty. i know it is vain and stupid and something i have no control over and therefore should not take pleasure in. but hearing, 'you are very pretty. i love your smile,' makes me practically giddy (even when it comes from a bad kisser).

-dating is much more compartmentalized for me than it was before i was married. really, i've only ever been in love or not; the whole taking things slow is a new concept to me. i think this is largely because of sophie. i am happy with my life right now, and i love my job and my friends. no romantic interest has met my kid yet, and i'm fairly certain that no one will for a loooooooooooooong time.

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drinking
why am i always drawn to my lj when i've been drinking? it's like home, i suppose.

i shall consider what such a statement means tomorrow. during open house. when i'm sober.

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year end
1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
I gave birth and filed for divorce.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any last year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I did! I did! Also, my middle sister, my friend Lisa, and my friend Kelly.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
No other countries this year.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Just like everyone, I want to be crazy in love.

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Sophie was born on January 30.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Sophie's natural birth is what I am proudest of.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I gave up on my marriage and left my husband. Every single day since, I have wondered if I could have said or done things differently, if I could have been better, and I have no doubt this will feel like a failure for a long, long time.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
The sickest I felt all year was occasional mastitis when Sophie was still exclusively nursing. So I guess I need to keep eating what I've been eating.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
lotrimin when sophie had the worst. diaper. rash. ever.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
the family and friends who offered their love and support during what was, hands down, the most difficult time in my life this far

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
my husband's and my own

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food and wine. Mostly wine.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
seeing friends i hadn't seen in years

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2011?
c'mon

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. Happier? no
II. Thinner or fatter? thinner (to be fair, i was pregnant last year)
III. Richer or poorer? poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
prayed and run

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
drinking and crying

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
went to emily's cajun retreat with my two sisters, their families, and our parents

22. Did you fall in love in 2011?
oh yeah. i fall in love as often as most people buy cereal.

23. How many one-night stands?
zero

24. What was your favorite TV program?
dexter

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no

26. What was the best book you read?
damned

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
the avett brothers and ximena simarina

28. What did you want and get?
a natural childbirth

29. What did you want and didn't get?
my husband to love me like crazy

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
i can't answer this; i haven't seen a movie since sophie was born, and i can't remember what the last one was

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
32. i went to a friend's ugly sweater christmas party.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
it all goes back to the break up. i wish we could have avoided it.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
professional, but bold. i got a bit braver after getting my post-pregnancy body back.

34. What kept you sane?
my sisters and my daughter

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
dexter

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
abortion and gay rights. what's new?

37. Who did you miss?
my husband

38. Who was the best new person you met?
sophie, duh

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
a flocked christmas tree is ALWAYS a mistake.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
i am a man of many hats
although i never mastered anything
when i am ten feet tall
i never felt this tall, well
since the fall
nobody seems to know my name
so don't leave me to sleep all alone
may we stay lost
on our way home

come on.
come on.
with everything falling down around me
i'd like to believe
in all the possibilities.

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this is just to say...
sometimes
she writes things that rhyme
to right things that don't,
and through all her hazy,
petty pictures,
nuggets of truth hide chocolate kiss-filled easter eggs.

guess which part of this is for you:
when she sleeps, her dreams are
haunting winter waltzes with your ghost.
when she dances, your face flashes behind her eyes like
a momentary tantrum.
when she said goodbye graciously,
she was grateful like a sinner
for the out you gave her
when you agreed to end it.

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oh yeah, me too
hey kelj99, that was a good idea.

if you are on my lj friends list, i probably want to send you a christmas card. i just got them in yesterday and want to get them out soon. please message me your snail mail address if you want one.

they have pictures of sophie. and me. but mostly sophie.

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conference
nothing, it seems
in the seconds between
the last breath i took and
the next
 
nothing between
empty, clean rows of class desks
and blank screens
before kids rush in
 
nothing, it seems,
excepts ghosts who came back,
reborn, who can share
from a distance
 
all this rushed silence
in prayers and in dreaming,
who can hear as i
dig in my heels
 
a laughing clatter,
the clock's awkward hand
jerking from second to second
 
just wait with me here,
just a minute
and let time stand still

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good news (not the prescription kind)
crossing your fingers

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praying through a shit storm
it always surprises me, the heartiness of people in general. it is especially shocking to me that i can (mostly) function in the face of extreme emotional stress. maybe i shake some. i don't sleep well. i lose weight. but my laundry all gets done and i shower every day and i go to work and do a good job. sophie still laughs and plays and gets fed and bathed and snuggled and read to.

newlifeinstpaul , i know you said i'd bleed. but damn if i didn't think the worst was over. i had no CLUE the most confusing parts were yet to come...

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thankful on a thursday
to claim i catch my breath at thoughts of you
is false;
i chase it down to just-can't-quite,
and reach for it like waiting wings.

i'm grateful every instant
your far heart
makes it sing.

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winter
make no mistake, when snowflakes fall
to choke the wide world’s floor,
when sun bows out and frost sets in
my darling, this is war.
 
winter seems a losing fight
a pretty, pointless race
an unfair giant closing in
a gripping, frozen face
 
don’t doubt i’ve magic left in me
soul-kisses up my sleeve
to brush back strength you’ve filled me with
to make us both believe
 
how we could love like grinning fools
through every front life holds
 
how love,
a booming battle cry,
can clear the crushing cold

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like asprin to the teeth...
i am SO over love right now. i've no doubt i'll change my mind at some point, but in this instant, it seems so certainly unnecessary. they all. fucking. lie. all of them. the ones you never believed could and the ones you always knew would...they all lie.

it's enough to make a girl start casually mattress-dancing again. good thing i'm not a girl; i'm somebody's mama.

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it seems so out of context / in this gaudy apartment complex
i never told you how i couldn't get Him out of my head that summer. even when i wasn't writing or making out with the prettiest boys i could hold down, He was a constant overtone, a nagging jiminy cricket sort of presence that i couldn't get quite fucked up enough to silence.
--------------------
jamie, as i believe i have already mentioned, went from having consumed fewer than a dozen beers in her life to cocaine rehab in a little less than six months. to be fair to my fucked-but-not-mean reputation, i did not have all of her information. i just knew she was my friend and i trusted her and her roommate was out of town, so after running around jumping into swimming pools naked all night, we finished off an eight ball as the sun came up and jamie fell asleep like a seasoned pro. i did not. i decided to drive home, realized my truck was almost out of gas, and walked to the nearest convenience store to get some. on the walk back, a boy named ronnie called my cell phone a couple of times. i did not answer.
--------------------
i kissed ronnie the week before this cocaine-blurred overnight at jaime's outside of a pool hall in corpus christi. he had a girlfriend and i knew it, but he wouldn't stop accidentallyonpurpose touching my hand and telling me how pretty i was and i finally told him i wanted to kiss him so bad my teeth hurt and he said maybe his teeth hurt too. it was not an epic kiss. it was a bit amateur, but it was cute and it left me feeling fancied for a few days.

the night before we kissed, ronnie sang 'nothing better' right into my ear as he leaned over the back seat of my sister's boyfriend's four-runner on our group's drive back from the beach. he held my hand and sang to me and of course i didn't even sober up before i kissed him, but jeez, what the hell else is a girl supposed to do in that situation?
--------------------
ronnie called three times as i walked back to jamie's apartment complex, filled my truck with gas, and smoked a cigarette under a heavy morning sky. for just a moment, He crossed my thoughts. i remember thinking how ridiculous he would think me, all strung out in the weak, cloudy morning light.

then i started walking back to jamie's apartment, and of course it started raining. i ducked into the complex's laundry room, some stranger's load of whites in the dryer making the whole room fuzzier than it should have been. my phone rang again, but now it was brandon, my most recent ex-boyfriend, not ronnie. 'what is with these boys?' i demanded of the rain. the stupid south texas rain in july. and suddenly the missing Him was like acid in my stomach and my heart was heavy, empty air, and i answered the phone as i started to cry.

i can't remember that conversation at all. i have no idea what i said to brandon that morning. i have no idea when i next talked to ronnie. all i remember is that i stared out a shoddy screen in a laundry room with jamie's apartment key in my hand and 'the district sleeps alone tonight' on loop in my head and Jordan in my heart. and the rain. would. not. stop.
--------------------
i left my husband a little over a month ago. my divorce will be final in the next few weeks. an yet somehow, even today, when i drink a glass of wine and listen to songs i dug in college, that is the hurt i remember.

it's funny, isn't it? the things that last?

it's funnier than i can even begin to explain to you right now. it's a story i don't know if i'll ever have half the talent to write.

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how sad it it to know i'm in control...
back to school this week as a teacher; i got a long-term sub position for a speech teacher in the district for which i used to work. the permanence of the opportunity sounds promising, and i've no qualms with taking another content exam come springtime if it means irving will have me back. thank god it's a big district. she's had such an ungodly number of lovers that the number of times we've each left her to return escapes her.

remember when i used to be a teacher? remember when i would write about how terribly frustrated i was and how much i drank and how i was exhausted and excited and in love? i miss it. and i said i was changing careers, dear reader, and i told you it was because i wanted out. i lied. i quit because scott thought it was beneath me, that i would never make any 'real money' and an mba would mean earlier retirement for both of us.

ah yes, all the dirty details come out in a divorce, do they not?

i won't really pummel you with the pieces of why i finally filed and fled. the hookers, i think, are more than reason enough to justify a much more quickly-executed exit than the one i pulled off.

it only took 31 years, darlings. i knew who i was, but now i'm up for defending it. pin the balls that crafted the next statement on what you wish - my little-bitty in need of an example, my 'here' finally having had it up to, or plain, old-fashioned growing up - but know it to be true: i am not sorry i left him. i am not sorry it took me so long to cry and think and pray it out, but i am also not sorry it ended with an ending.

i am lonely, especially on sophie's overnights with scott. and god help me, i miss that house. and the wine collection. but i have slept better in the last two weeks than i have in years.

that's the big picture, isn't it? how do you sleep in this bed you've made? that big idea is all that matters. the devil, after all, is in the details.

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i'm a stitch away from making it
kitchen, garage, and bedroom packed. movers scheduled for saturday morning. job interview at a marketing firm (?!?!) tomorrow afternoon. one class dropped so i can pass the other two.

i feel good. i feel really, really good. i feel like, if he thinks he wins because he dies with all the money, good for him. and not in a mean way at all.

i'm grateful for the moon. i'm grateful for the stars. i'm grateful for wonderfully supportive friends and family.

and for sophie's sake as well as my own, i'm SO grateful i finally woke the fuck up.

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