Sometimes you feel like a nut

Argh. Upset. Bleh.

Not sure why I really expected guys to understand.. I just wish they did sometimes. My fella told me today that he asked a female coworker to go on a "platonic" outing and it just... it really bends me out of shape. I mean I really want to fully trust him but there is just something niggling at me in a "what if" manner. I know that we can never really know for sure that someone isn't going to hurt us but like... idk.

I am extremely insecure and I know it. I'm never pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough... this girl... just is. She's totally prettier than I am and though he says I'm what he wants... I can't help but feel like that wouldn't stop him if he found something better. It's more than that though, he's so amazing and I just kind of feel like i'm not good enough for him... like being with me brings him down a notch or something.. argh. And now i feel like an asshole for making it difficult for him to go anywhere with this girl. I don't want him to go out with her but I feel like i'm being controlling if I tell him not to. I really hate this. I don't understand why having guy friends isn't enough... nope. he has to befriend pretty girls. I hated the way she talked to me at Publix too "Oh how did you guys meet? online? oh that's so cute ... yea i have your cute right here bitch. I want to be okay with this but... I just can't. I mean, why does he want to hang out with other girls anyway? It almost feels like the beginning of the end...

I know, I know... i only come here to bitch. And it's true, this place for me is like a quiet, padded room where I can scream and yell all I want so I don't have to take it out on anyone else. It's my buffer zone so I don't end up saying something I will inevitably regret. So let's begin. It came to my attention recently that I was the subject of a bunch of shit talk. And I'm hurt by it because it was from someone I cared about more than myself for almost 4 years. Someone I thought loved me too and when everything started to really fall apart, I realized this person didn't have my back like I thought. They had been lying to me and I don't tolerate lying. I form attachments quicker than most and so because of that, I have the misfortune that when I fall... I fall hard. This last time almost killed me. I thought so much would happen... so much he SAID would happen and I just can't believe I fell for all that. I was an idiot to think that someone so toxic and meanhearted could love me. I thought he was saving me from my problems when in reality it ended up him causing the most heartache. And in the end, instead of taking responsibility for his actions and manning up... he has the audacity to say I'm the crazy one. As if I'm the one at fault when I did nothing for 4 years but groom his ego and try to convince him that he could make something of himself. How awful of me. So he was unhappy with his life... most people are. But did he get out there and try to make it better? No, he would come home with food and we would both gorge ourselves until we forgot. Not the healthiest thing going but it worked for awhile. I always tried to make him talk his problems out and maybe that's where I went wrong. I cared way too much.

So. I met this guy last month and... he's really nice to me. His name is Jon and like, I can't really believe that it's been a month already... it feels like we just met but at the same time feels like i've known him forever. I'm scared. I don't want to feel this way... I'm still bitter over jerkface. I wouldn't say life is getting easier but I am certainly feeling a little more content with it at least. I have to go to Valencia to sign up for classes/get financial aid and I know it's such an easy task but I'm literally in a sweat over it. I don't know what the deal is, my suspicion is it's the distance I would have to drive to get there. But really, I think it's the fact that the closest campus is in Winter Park and going there always makes me feel uncomfortable. It's not like I expect to see him there but like... what if I ran into him while getting lunch or something, what would I do/say? I truly don't think I could say anything. I think if it came down to it, I would grab my shit and run out the door because really what is there to say anyway? I'm screwed. I am really hoping that Juan will agree to go to campus with me when he gets back because otherwise I think I'll just chicken out like I normally do. Ugh. Sometimes just being me is extremely tiring. *headdesk* Rahrahrah. I should never have quit my job. I should never have quit my counseling. I justified it to myself that it was okay to quit because my boss was mean and I would find another soon just like I justified that I was driving too far to counseling. Which I mean, I was... but really it was all about jerkface.

I did this awhile ago and was bored so here it is again:


LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE
Name: Ericka Tiff
Birth date: August 27, 1986
Birth place: Syracuse, New York
Current Location: South Apopka FL
Eye Color: green, gray...changes with my mood
Hair Color: ginger
Righty or Lefty: righty
Zodiac Sign: virgo

Layer TWO: ON THE INSIDE
Your heritage: irish, german, french cannuck......and so on
What Shoes Did You Wear Today?: mary janes... like i do every day.
Your weakness: someone bein sweet to me, puppies
Your fears: spiders, bee's, snakes, squirrels, spiders being alone & unloved
Your perfect pizza: stuffed crust, pepperoni, mushroom
Your Favorite Food: right now? Mac n' Cheese. om nom nom.
Your Favorite Drink: the Grape soda from Stewarts that I can't get down here ;.; oh and unsweet iced tea

LAYER THREE: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW:
Your most overused phrase: Wait...what?
Your thoughts first waking up: Why am i up so early!
Your best physical feature: My Eyes, and hair apparently
Your bedtime: usually 3 am unless i'm in old woman mode then it's more like 10
Your most missed memory: goin to the miller's house the night before Christmas and then coco's house for Christmas day.

LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK:
Pepsi or Coke: once in awhile i'll crave either but i haven't been going crazy with the soda.
Single or group dates: I like both
Adidas or Nike: Nike
Lipton Tea or Nestea: doesn't matter if it's unsweet
Chocolate or vanilla: swirl!
Cappuccino or coffee: Cappuccino

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
Smoke: not for a long time
Cuss: me? i wouldn't DREAM it
Single: that is a relative term but yea i guess i would be.
Have a crush(es): Oh i always have a crush on SOMEONE lol.
Think you've been in love: Yes i was most definitely in love at one time. *sigh*
Like(d) high school: Some of the people made it better
Want to get married: pictured it since i was 5 so yea, i think so
Believe in yourself: not really...
Get motion sickness: nah
Think you're a health freak: nope
Get along with your parents: sometimes lol
Like thunderstorms: yea uh no
Play an instrument: i played violin :D

LAYER SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH
Drank alcohol: yes
Gone on a date: yuh
Gone to the mall: yes
Been on stage: no
Eaten Sushi: no
Been dumped: no
Gone skating: yuh uh no
Gone skinny dipping: nope
Dyed your hair: yup

LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER
Played a game that required removal of clothing: nope

LAYER EIGHT: GETTING OLDER
Age you hope to be married: before i'm 30 lol
Numbers of Children: i'll figure it out after the first kid lol
Describe your dream: No Stress, No worries about being abandoned and living debt-free
How do you want to die: in my sleep
What do you want to be when you grow up: Teacher or owner of my own business
What country would you most like to visit: Japan

LAYER NINE: IN A GAL/GUY
Best eye color?: blue
Best hair color?: dark
Short or long hair: short but not too short
Height: taller than me
Best first date location: anywhere i haven't been before
Articles of clothing: nice button up shirt, dress pants and nice shoes
Best first kiss location: at my door when they're droppin me off

LAYER TEN: IN THE NUMBERS
Number of people i can trust: I don't trust until they prove to me they're worthy
Number of CD's: yea like i would know lol
Number of piercings: none XD
Number of tattoos: none
Number of times been on tv: a couple. all had to do with school
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: a few, majority of when i was little
Number of scars on my body: more than i can count on one hand
Number of things in my past that I regret: Alot. I just hope i'm smart enough to learn from my mistakes.

Sure i could say i'm doing well... but that would be a lie. I've barely left my house in three months... I just don't want to see and/or talk to anyone. My favorite place in Florida is tainted for me and the one time I went there since this happened, I ended up feeling ill just being there. Knowing I was so close but so far away. And now I can't see Olga anymore because of where she's located. I need to find someone closer. I should have listened to my mother when she worried what would happen if he left. If they all left me. My light is gone and all I can feel is cold and numb inside. I know what's wrong with me but I don't know how to make it better. I just wish I had a little guidance. Hopefully going back to school will take my mind off things. They have clubs after all, that always used to make me happy. I just kind of wish my ex would back off a little bit. Since he found out what happened he's been popping up nonstop. I should have known better than to try and get closure... it only ever gives me more grief. At least with this one, I cut off all ties... but maybe that's the thing that's killing me right now.

Well it's officially over. He's gone and I'm left here trying to pick up the pieces. He was such a jerk about it too. He still has some of my stuff but I'm thinking about just letting him keep it all. I can't think about going back over there, my heart breaks every time I do. I still love him... probably will always be in love with him. The thought of being with someone else right now sickens me and honestly, I've never felt that way. Usually it's hurry get rid of the evidence of a relationship and move onto the next guy. Hell, I did that with Juan and met Chris that way. But with Chris... I opened myself up not realizing what I was doing and even though I initiated the breakup, I was the one that got their heart stomped on. I just don't understand if he didn't want to be with me, why did he bother to take me out on a date a couple of weeks ago... was he toying with me? I'll never know. I told him I didn't want to see/talk to him anymore and it hurts like hell but I think I would be so messed up in my head if I stayed around that I couldn't exist anymore.

Sad part is I don't think he'll ever understand that I did this because i love him as much as I do. He probably just sees me as another person leaving but to be honest, I feel like he's the one who left me weeks ago. He said some really nasty things to me towards the end and I can't help but think that was his way of trying to push me away. And I let him because I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't 100% want me. Is that crazy? Idk. All I know is now I have no one. No one to go to Borders with. No one to cuddle up to at night when i'm cold or crave the feeling of a body next to me.

All I have left is me and although I've been single before, I haven't had to face that in 3 years. That's a really long time to a young woman, especially one who wanted desperately to marry the person she was with. Who felt safe just being in his arms, knowing they formed a protective bubble keeping all the bad things out. He's probably out fucking some Prada bitch right now... maybe he was even doing it while we were together...idk. I don't want to think he could do that but with the way he was treating me at the end, I just can't rule it out. I cared so much and I tried to make him see but I just don't think he ever got it. He even said to me that he wished Will had never introduced us... can you believe that? That may have been the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He knew just what to say to me to hurt me. And I should hate him for everything he is and everything he's done/said but... I just can't find myself feeling that way. I want to hate him with everything I have but right now I can't honestly say I would turn him away if he came back. I don't think I could trust him fully but to be his again... I can't explain it.

I might be starting Japanese lessons soon. MADE OF WIN.

I am sad to say that after 8 months, my parents have decided to close the Smoothie Factor. I'm really kind of upset by this but que sera sera I guess, it must not have been meant to be :(. I'll be there today or tomorrow helping close it down.

I'm not really sure where to start, its just this splendid sensation, a stampede of thoughts i cant seem to articulate. Well, without squeaking or sighing a dreadful lot. I am so tired, things seem just so.. so right. I don't know how to explain it, but i cant seem to erase the smile from my face, even as i feel my heart is breaking with need, i cant stop smiling. I miss him so much. I need him. I need to be by his side, perhaps curled up at his torso, listening to the soothing rhythm of his heartbeat as i drift to sleep.

But now, as always, 4am knows me like no other, and for once it is not my sorrows i sit here
crying over, but for joy, and love, and happiness, for these feelings, and for the one i hold dear, i cry for. Maybe i just need sleep, because i cant stop. And All i want to do is bury myself in his arms , but i suppose, the lengthy journal entry will have to wait.

i miss him, and I'm sure, my dreams will be blessed with his presence tonight. Let him be safe, let him know he is loved. I am his to own, and he is mine to be loved..

Given, I typed this early this morning.. internet just hates me today.

I was sitting on the phone with Chris last night and I started to cry. I didn't make a conscious attempt or anything, it just started pouring down my cheek. I realized it was because I was talking to someone who's known me less than a year and yet he loved me more than any other person i'd met including my family. I miss him and I can't hug him until Monday, I wish he were here now... He was there when I needed to pout or be sad and he always cheered me up before I got too down on myself. I cried because it occurred to me that I am basically just a roommate in my own home. That's a terrible feeling to have knowing that your parents only view you as someone who lives with them. It's like you're invisible and you no longer matter.

I've come down with a flu-like bug in the last week or so and know how many people took care of me? two. Me and Marley. Yea. I nagged mom into going to the doctor with me the other day and she couldn't even be responsible enough to get my medicine. Know what she told me? You get it. Yea, I should get it. I just haven't been able to move as much and can't breathe well without wheezing or coughing. My coughing has gotten so bad that my ribs are very very tender. Do you know that she outright told me I was the reason they keep fighting? Yea way to make me feel like not a burden. Thanks mom. I am so antsy to move out of here, I started packing up some of my stuff yesteday. It hurt and it made me tired five minutes in but it was worth it looking at it now. Chris said I could keep some of the boxes in his closet until we move so I'm pumped. I'm kinda bummed about the money situation and I have a feeling that I'll have to get a second job but if I have to do that to move out of here then so be it.

My orientation for Publix is on the 24th so I'm pumped about that. Yea, I got the job at Publix. It's a decent job and it pays pretty well for right now so I'm happy. I think it's like 7 something to start but that's alright because I have a plan to save money this time. Before I forget, Casselberry is the place I plan on moving to. Anywhere between here and there would work.

Well, writing this down has only partially helped. thanks.