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kerry's Journal

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

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	2010.02.07 02.21 http://kerrygiangrande.blogspot.com/



	2009.05.19 01.54 i must open doors open doors open doors cellar doors cellar door



	2009.05.03 01.36 Out of my element .



	2009.04.13 02.22 well. -it is late. i am tired. -i avoid this livejournal most of the time, no good. -almost done with book going to work with lulu.com and see where that takes me. fingers crossed. -i cannot breathe any longer on top of this mountain there is a good chance I will explode. -there is something i need to free me. -free. -yes, I love you. I do. -half awake versus half asleep I dream about wars and wake up with bruises everywhere. i have been dying in them and waking up just before my body throws me up and things go white. this is the problem. -I want out, off, gone, zip, open, clear, far, safe, dangerous, delicate, ugly, beautiful, nothing, everything.



	2008.12.02 13.53 people are usually shit. i need to write in here more.



	2008.09.13 15.51 rambleramble work is the lamest, waitressing is a nicer title for SERVANT. it's lovely,really. going to california oct 31- nov 2nd/ hopefully I can take off also Oct 25th and maybe more for the haunted walk in park slope , that would be amazing. i'll probably be able to go down to brooklyn from around nov 2nd to the day before thanksgiving. hope so hope so. -i have been smoking entirely too much marijuana. -finally paid off the money owed for the mac. -bought a 98' used audi, it's pretty cute. been driving a few times a day, hopefully sometime within this month i'll schedule a road test and pass it. -emphasis on pass it. -so homesick. will i be this homesick always? i can't wait to go back to school, seriously. i'm thinking maybe i will major in journalism rather than minor in it and major in psychology. i'm thinking maybe i've had close to 2-3 years to decide what i want in my life and have gotten nowhere. it's good stuff. i mean well, but i always destroy things. the person in the room that smiles too much. the cutting of paper, the veins in our hands. Running away isn't all that it's cracked up to be.



	2008.07.28 16.40 plane. the little girls' body, ebony and small sits quietly next to me for take off. she sits for awhile, dangling her legs while the plane carries us up. the pressure makes her ears pop and i can see her swallowing dry spit to make it go away. her name is kayla, she tells me. she draws pictures on the small drink napkin we are given. this doesn't look like enough for a three hour flight. i carefully rip some paper out of the book i am reading, the first and last pages, the empty ones. i give them to her. "never rip pages out of books," i tell her, "unless it's really important. books are really, really special." she nods. "how old are you?" i ask her. "six. i am six." she says. "i wish i was six." "that's stupid. you are tall enough to touch the ceiling of the plane. you are lucky" i laugh because she is right, but mostly because she is wrong. i am not the lucky one. kayla touches my hair, "why is your hair soft?" she asks me. "why are your eyes really green?" i think about her six year old questions and don't come up with many answers for her. when do we stop asking questions like this? i wonder. she draws pictures of me on the ripped out pages and tells me to keep them. pictures of me at work, at a playground. little stick figures with uneven eyes. kayla falls asleep on my lap, drools on my pillow but i don't mind.



	2008.07.07 11.49 today i realized i had completely forgotten about the metal doors on the sidewalk that lead to cellars, in the city. the ones your mom always sort of steered you away from because of the risk of it being lose, and falling in. the sound you made when you jumped on them. the smallest thing but it filled my whole heart up just to remember.



	2008.06.04 23.47 ! - There are worse things than being alone. It rings true. - my ipod is missing! - I have so much trouble with plots. I am writing a novel. It is progressing yet halfway plotless. (right after i had finished typing that i realized it entirely described my life. good? i think not.) - new job . tomorrow, 12 am. Manager with a strong french accent I can hardly understand. Life. - Losing butterflies. - new books. - the "how am i not myself" scene in i heart huckabees is so fucking brilliant. - this indented list-like set up of my recent posts is beginning to bother me.



	2008.05.21 18.23 crying. Everyone is graduating college. four years ago, graduating from high school, we all ran out, screaming at the fucking teachers, running down the streets, getting all sweaty. our heartbeats were so, so loud and we were laughing so hard, running and screaming around in the staircases and classrooms. i thought my life was starting. i'd do anything if i could be back in that fucking high school where the teachers treated me and only me like a fucking fugitive, where i did horrible in all my classes even though i'm a pretty smart kid. just so i could be a part of something again , seeing people everyday. people that hated me , people that loved me, people that were jealous of me ,people that thought i was an idiot, people that let me take the blame , people that took it for me , people in seats next to me in classes, ALL OF THEM. everyday. i miss life. someone should have slapped me in the face. it was all downhill from there. WHAT AM I DOING?!?!?!?!?!?!? when will i belong to something again ? to be A PART OF SOMETHING. life. if one more person posts pictures of their college graduations while i sit here unable to go to school i will fucking scream bloody murder



	2008.05.21 17.42 SANTERIA - water with limes. - neil gaiman is not living up to my expectations. - ordered cloud atlas and some Italo Calvino's. Anticipation! - almost have a new job , pretty nervous. - i need money, i need brooklyn. "At the age of 25 most people were finished. A whole goddamned nation of assholes driving automobiles, eating, having babies, doing everything in the worst way possible, like voting for the presidential candidate who reminded them most of themselves." -Charles Bukowski



	2008.05.11 00.17 (On Flying) The first part is easy. All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and the willingness not to mind that it's going to hurt. ... Bob and float, float and bob. Ignore all considerations of your weight and simply let yourself float higher. Do not listen to what anybody says to you at this point because they are unlikely to say anything helpful. They are most likely to say something along the lines of "Good God, you can't possibly be flying!" It is vitally important not to believe them or they will suddenly be right. - Life The Universe and Everything Douglas Adams



	2008.04.11 22.10 i am not even kidding when i say this, fred, of drop dead fred, is my hero.



	2008.04.03 14.51 i need to get my life in order. the truth is so easy when you're writing it. it is the only truth that exists.



	2008.02.23 14.26 it came to her late, the little window in her room told her this. along with the small black digitial clock across the room; the red straight lines connected to read 4:38. it came to her slowly, though with a quick linking together of the words. they were strung together as if floating on thread. perhaps it was, that she no longer wanted to exist. the first step, she assumed, was forgetting about the people who were aware she existed at all. this seemed simple. she had already become someone else, someone unrecognizable. someone that walked beside her when she went places, a few inches in front. someone else's hands typing foreign words, a mouth making foreign sounds. foreign. she said the word out loud, in the dark. it made clouds.



	2008.02.22 19.11 the only fucking thing closest to a human that could possibly understand a thing that goes on inside my head, heart (including myself) is songs. what now?



	2007.12.15 15.32 White Noise by Don Delillo is slightly life altering.



	2007.12.09 13.44 The only thing lit is the cigerattes tip, I flick it to watch the firey ash drop to earth. I like it, makes me feel like I've made a difference in the world. It hits the soil and burns out; my moment fades. The thought hits me, hard: I only notice the greens when its black outside. do you recognize me? Because I only know the world when you come with it; When your voice meets up with noises the earth makes. Two tongues slide and touch, tell each other secrets lips could never say. imissyou



	2007.11.28 14.05 the future , the future: like ships verses planes. i swallow it, save it for tommorow. i crave the suspension in reality, the mid-air serenity. like the seconds in between jumping off a roof and hitting the ground. where does the mind go? where is your heart.



	2007.11.27 13.47 fall and carry, neverending touches. like sleeping sounds, breaths exhale. slicing apples, the sound. your hand slides up we always touch skin. we give, take, pray. like when colors are so real they hurt your eyes. and you think, that, that is red. this is green. when you realize why they got those names millions of years ago. perfection's only real in the dark. i memorize circlings of trees, repeat and kiss shoulders. like how water would make love. inside on top, you are each other.



	2007.10.23 20.04 It's the end of the world as we know it It's the end of the world as we know it It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.



	2007.10.21 13.47 apparently, dumbledore's gay.



	2007.10.15 21.17 and i rationed my breaths as i said to myself, that i've already taken too much today



	2007.10.13 21.24 i need home.



	2007.09.20 19.27 i love fall. things are looking up, i have to trust that things are looking up.

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