It has been a very long time since I've lj-ed it up...it has also been a very long day.

I haven't quite realized that it is 1 am and I'm still trying to wind down from my long day.

Today was interesting: I was tired and frustrated, then irrationally upset. I just broke down crying around 11 because I could not take it any more.  Lately, I feel like I am just floating. Everything in my life seems so routine.  When people ask me how I am or what's up, I have no good response.  I haven't touched my peacecorps stuff in ages and I just constantly do school work. I love my roommates and my friends this year, but in my heart, I know something is missing.  I am also getting sad again--watching Joan of Arcadia every night before bed probably does not help!


I have been waiting for a quick fix to my life for so long. It would be nice if it could be fixed now because it would not be considered quick any more.  I just have so much love to give and no one to give it to.  Why does this suck so much still? It just keeps coming back in waves. I cannot count the number of times I've silently said, "I love you." I don't speak the truth out loud. I can't. If you want to know how I really feel listen to The Ditty Bops's "All Over You."  I listen to that song on repeat because I can't believe how true it is.

In other news, I'm going to Philadelphia on Thursday for AMS! Time to geek out all weekend about music...which will be really helpful since I am the worst music major ever because I have NO music classes this semester besides violin, orchestra, and choir. I am also going with Katie, Stimeling and Rachel.  It is just going to be good clean fun...with a few drinks!  Fingers crossed that AMS will restart my system!

Maybe this is what it is suppose to feel like?

I'm getting by, but if I stop to think about him. I feel like everything hurts all over.
It can't be the end. I won't let it. I love you.


I love my roommates so bad. Sandy and Cate make me so happy. I wish I could spend every day with them. Oh wait, I will in about a month. :) 
Also, I'm making work friends! Hung out with Tina today who is super cool! But I found out that one of my friends quit today. I always had the most fun working with him. Although, I thought he was gay and he dropped the bomb on me that he actually likes ladies. Oops. Hopefully, I will hang out with him soon.

I also can't forget to mention Louis. He has been amazing. Talking to me every night, making sure I'm not dead. I can't wait to see him next week!


I'm looking toward the future. Still hurt, still sad. It just doesn't seem real. seeing him will be the wrost. I love you.

I would be sad because you left me all alone
I would be sad because the lies that you had told
I would be sad because I got left by a girl that I adore
I would be sad because the love I've had before

I meant what I said when I said I would settle down with you
Although I know it's not something that you were asking me to do
And I know we are young but we won't always be so marry me
Let's not be that predictable young couple changing moving on
But I can tell by watching you that there's no chance of pushing through
The odds are so against us you know most young love it ends like this

I would be sad because you left me all alone
I would be sad because the lies that you had told
I would be sad because I got left by a girl that I adore
I would be sad for all the love I've had before

I meant what I said when I said I would rearrange my plans and change for you
You know me I've always been the kind with easy confidence
Confident enough to honestly believe that nothing out there
Is stopping me especially not someone who's not loving me
Now listen here I told you I could live on without loving you
I was bluffing then but it seems that just might have been the truth
Well my dad told me one-day son this girl will think of what she's done
And hurting you will be the first of many more regrets to come
And he said if she doesn't call than it's her fault and it's her loss
I say it's not that simple see but then again it just may be

I would be sad because you left me all alone
I would be sad for the lies that you had told me
I would be sad because I got left by a girl that I adore
I would be sad for all the love I had before
I would be sad for all the love I had before

Well you asked me if I'll forget my baby.
I guess I will, someday;
I don't like it, but I guess things happen that way.
You asked me if I'll get along.
I guess I will, someway;
I don't like it, but I guess things happen that way.

God gave me that girl to lean on;
Then he put me on my own.
Heaven, help me be a man and
Have the strength to stand alone.
I don't like it, but I guess things happen that way.

You asked me if I'll miss her kisses.
I guess I will, everyday;
I don't like it, but I guess things happen that way.
You asked me if I'll find another.
I don't know; I can't say;
I don't like it, but I guess things happen that way.

God gave me that girl to lean on;
Then he put me on my own.
Heaven, help me be a man and
Have the strength to stand alone.
I don't like it, but I guess things happen that way.

Why the long faces?
Where are all the smiles?
School starts in September and it's not even July

We all have our reasons
Seasons to feel sad
It's good to feel something even if it hurts you bad

June gloom, go away
It's my time of year
Take your weather somewhere else
It's not needed here

It's good to take a moment from the ultra-violet rays
Tired of waking up to the bigness of his face
When the time is right, move along
Ever changing faces
I'll probably miss you when you're gone

Let's make a deal
You don't have to shine, and I don't have to smile

Shy and uncertain, an unexpected mood
Look behind the curtain
We're both misunderstood

June gloom, you can stay, but don't stay for too long
Just make sure that when you leave, you turn the lights back on


Could June be worse than February?

See also, BAD things happen on the first day of my period.

1. I sat on my violin.
2. I scratched my car.

Not only do I feel shitty about the car, but I'm also having the memories of crushing my violin that I had after it happened. Maybe I shouldn't have started practicing today.

I could use a hero right now...

I sit anxiously awaiting my summer in the city. 
Well, not the city, but a suburb in a house a block away from a beach.

I'm ready to be done with school.  I have so much work to still get done before I can finally go home.  It is not even just the school work I'm sick of either...the parties are just so..boring. 

It is Saturday night and I've been trying to write a paper all day.  I'll probably be up for a few more hours getting some work done.  Can someone remind me why I want to get a minor?

Anyway...here's my list of stuff that needs to get done:

1. Women Research Paper
2. Women Final Essay
3. Ethno Research Paper
4. Legal Issues Final
5. Entrepreneurship Final
6. Violin Jury

Also, my 21st birthday! I haven't actually drank since Spring Break so it should be quite interesting.  

The only thing I'm not looking forward to this summer is not being with John. ugh. He'll be 6 hours away! 
I keep telling him that before he leaves I'm going to spend every day with him (False). If only I could.  

Well till next time I need to procrastinate my homework (Tomorrow night?),

Me.

I am down to my two final choices for a summer internship this summer: Ravinia Festival in Chicago and Eastern Music Festival in North Carolina.

What do you think I should choose?

Both would be working with the hospitality of bands and doing shopping for riders, etc.  Ravinia would not be doing any set-up, but I would meet all the managers, roadies, etc.  I would be working with classical and non-classical.  It is where the CSO plays in the summer. I also loveee Chicago and the festival in general.

EMF would be in a new place that I have never been before. It would be a new adventure and I would learn about a different type of culture than I'm use too.  I would be mainly working on my own with only the non-classical side of music.  I would also help with other aspects of the group when needed.  It would be only 6 weeks.  I would also work with marketing, which I've never done before.


I am so torn.  I don't know what to do.  I have till tomorrow.
Any advice is apprecitaed.  I want to sort this out tonight.

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