| Everything in Moderation |
[Jan. 21st, 2008|01:30 am]
multi_purpura
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Everything in Moderation 1-21-08
Including Love...
It's very interesting, the irresistible Temptation of Alcohol to make everything just go away for a few hours of ignorant Bliss. I'm pretty sure that's why Ii like drinking - not the fact that I do anything any better or wilder than when I'm sober, but the fact that I don't have to think twice about doing it.
In fact I see no real difference between me sober and me drunk except for the heightened hyper ness of my crack head actions. I love to act like a dork and make people laugh, I love to dance, I love to sing, and love to make love - all this is the same PLUS when I'm drinking or toking.
So... everything in moderation? I still believe that - I mean my fuck up with the fence jumping was mostly due to the fact THAT I did not moderate myself drinking that night. Of course this was generated by a stressful hurtful day and aggressive feelings towards the ex - SO what was the illogical solution - DRINK!!! And while I had a really awesome night, OW my FACE!
I've gotten a handle on my drinking through careful reflection of my family history and personal downfalls. I try to keep my house dry because I do not want the nasty beast of Alcoholism to rear it's head in my home. And I really enjoy going OUT to the bar and dance floor with friends, which I CAN do completely sober, but just gets to be silly fun with a bit of drink.
SO too in my first statement is the Drunkenness that comes with Love. Love, while a necessary emotion can become the Alcohol of the lot, for myself. It is a great and wonderful buzz to be in Love, but for myself it is more dangerous than the strongest drink or the fattest doobie!
In fact Love is so dangerous it will cloud my vision, make me drive my life off course, hurt myself, do things I normally wouldn’t do, act like an idiot and all of the other bad habits associated with any tangible source of intoxication.
I've been to concerts, danced in sync to music and lights, experienced the heights of thrill rides, near and actual accidents, death, birth, and many other situations that set your heart a racing through your chest. It's a wonderful feeling and makes you feel more alive than you may have ever felt before.
However, with everything in life that makes a person feel - addiction is inherent. It's the romantic tragedy - uh, Romio and Juliet esque if you will, that makes feeling alive such a wild thing to be addicted to. A person IS alive, so what is it with the addiction to feel MORE so.
Moderation, it is in my belief that these things wouldn't be here if they were not meant to be enjoyed. But, personal moral and taste will tell where to draw the line on how much or what of can be enjoyed. I look across the variations of different cultures to gain my personal thought on what I deem a YES or NO.
While Americans just blow everything out of proportion with their censorship and screwed up religiously perverted views, other older and more developed cultures realize the simple principle of moderation and QUALITY. Quality is one measure that can be taken to ensure that any luxury is only enjoyed modestly.
In fact Quality is the main criteria I employ when deciding on whether or not I am becoming overpowered by an enjoyment in life. If something is not up to my quality standards it is either rejected or burnt out. In other words, I have progressively upped my pay scale to feed into the habits I partake in, and thus do not drink rail, and do not smoke value, and do not drive on regular fuel.
So, with a little laugh in my heart it is beyond me how I could have missed this concept in the hobby of love as I will call it. I've settled so many times in my past for low grade love, bargain store outlet priced, pathetic excuses and retarded concepts, not self sufficient love.
Wow, sad. Yet in this reflection is the realization of growth, and understanding of personal gain. I have the power of choice, and whether or not I decided to ignore all the red flags again that I have before or walk in proud and strong and determine the value of the next situation. I would really like to follow the latter path.
I know what I want for my life, to be self sufficient and independent so I can serve others in a good cause. I would love to share with others, who may not see it, the joy of the gift of being alive. How I will do this is pretty much what I am forming and learning right now in life. I love to teach and love to watch people learn so I may lead a life in profession that deals with instruction or mission work. I know too that I need to complete or have the chance to attend a four year university to feel like I have accomplished something in my life.
As I was discussing earlier this weekend, I see too many people focus their lives around having and raising children, only to be extremely let down because the child turns into a person with free will and becomes something the parent never expected - an Independent Individual who is in charge of their own life.
Therein lays some sadness for those people who thought that they would receive unconditional love brought forth from something they created. Sorry folks anything and everything that involves the human existence is truly unpredictable - this is another part of the tragic romance of Life.
So to have I been caught up on the idealistic view of the "American Dream" 2.5 children, white picket fence, house, car, job, retirement fund and "All that Jeeeaaazz." BAH. Not that it's unattainable but rather unrealistic for the entire population of this country due to debt and suffering, death and chaos. Due to so many unpredictable events that to think about it will drive the most intelligent person to … drink, smoke, what ever it takes to hinder the overwhelming depression of loss.
How sad to be born into the Greatest Country, yet see the hypocrisy in this. We are only great because we are wrapped up in a great lie and general misunderstanding. I see a glimmer of hope in the smaller networks and communities of people I have been involved with, but for the mass collective of the States, ouch, we are blind.
To bring it back to the focus, Love. Love is a lubricant that keeps the high functioning gears of this society functioning. In my three day stay in the behavioral health ward at the hospital, I learned a lot about love. The main thing is, that everyone has the capacity to love, and if you open your heart and are honesty and true in your actions you will find this.
In the past month I have fallen madly in love with multiple people around me, regardless of gender, race, etc., because I have been treated with love by multiple people. Certain parts of the staff, while under the work clock, still exhumed this aura of honest care for PEOPLE when they listened or cared for me. It was amazing to know at one of my lowest points in life, I was resurrected by COMPLETE strangers. Very eye opening. Very refreshing.
I WILL NOT TOLLERATE the insignificance of IGNORANT views on life such as: "I'm not associating with those people because…" FUCK YOU whomever says this. You are the only people that truly make me ill. Those people that think they are somehow side cast from the rest because of some certain reason, no, we are all the same – leaves floating on a stream of chaos. And no matter WHAT we do in life, no matter HOW we try to control it, in the end, the waters of existence will continue their path.
I will enjoy love again, I will, I promise that to myself. However, I will not settle for the discount bottom shelf bottom of the barrel love, I will not settle for ignorance and unwillingness to learn, I will not settle for guilt tripping and sniveling fear. Yes I too have human qualities, such as fear of rejection, that aid in some of the less thought out things I've done in life, however I AM PROGRESSIVE and DETERMINED, INDEPENDENT and SELF SUFFICIENT. I am a part of this swirling winding beautiful path of life, important but not all inclusive.
So, I will enjoy life, and the aspects of it, in moderation. I will enjoy other people too, in moderation. I will live and die in honesty, truth, learning, and moderation. I am not searching for answers as much as experiences. I will not hole myself up and shut myself out – no. I've made this mistake before and will not anymore.
So, as much as it hurts me to step out for myself, it does feel good to declare – FUCK YOU to anyone who doesn't have a personal manifesto to follow. I am Shasta, I am here to enjoy this beautiful existence, and will do so on my terms, and hope that someone will come along with me and I will be able to blend my existence with theirs and not become obliterated in the process. |
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